I want to go back.

I feel like if I just had another year, another month, another day, knowing everything I know now, I could've made a difference. I could've been that person you needed. I could've made things better for the both of us.

But I can't.

If I could, if I could go back to that day that I left you, I would kiss you. I would kiss you so hard. It would be like a movie, what with both of us and our feelings carefully hidden to protect our friendship, kissing at the last possible second. Right before we had to say goodbye. A realization that yes, we both are completely in love with the other and we'll figure things out somehow, despite the distance.

But our life isn't a movie.

You pushed the feelings away after that day. You decided that with the distance, there was no point anymore. I wish I had been able to do that. That was my plan when I realized how in love with you I am, and how hopeless it all is. College would put the much-needed distance between us, and I would feel my love for you fade.

How ironic that it got even worse.

The first few days were hell. Creating new relationships is hard. After having had the same ones all my life, I'd forgotten how to make new ones. Of course, when I talked to you, you didn't seem to have this problem. You were having all sorts of fun. Without me. It hurt. My heart ached because I missed you so much and you just seemed completely at ease with leaving me.

Now I know that wasn't the case, but it still doesn't change my feelings.

Having no one, it made me crave talking to you every day even more. Hearing about how much fun you were having hurt, but hearing your voice, having someone actually want to talk to me, it made the pain worth it.

I still loved you. Well, I still do, even though we're not talking anymore.

When I found out, just weeks after we parted ways, that you were in love with me all summer, I wanted to kill myself. Why didn't I just fucking tell you? Why didn't you fucking tell me? Why were we both cowards until it was too late? Everything hurt, especially knowing you'd given up on us ever becoming something while I held onto it even tighter. I cried myself to sleep for days, knowing that this was my fault, that I should've just told you the moment I realized that I was in love with you.

It might have made our friendship awkward, but you're constantly proving me wrong.

You told me to give up, that you weren't changing your mind. You'd moved on, and I needed to as well. But I can't, because I can't stop thinking about what could've been.

If I had told you a month before we left, we would've had a month of bliss. Well, maybe not completely bliss due to our contrasting personalities, but it would've been better than you ignoring me that month like you had all summer because you were terrified of how you felt.

I'll never get that month.

If this had all taken place a year ago, the summer before my senior year, things would've been different. Would we have dated? Would we have even admitted our feelings to each other? Who knows. All I know is that I want that time. I want any time.

But there is none.

You won't talk to me now. It's like you're slowly trying to kill me. I know you're upset about something, because this is how you get when you're upset, but I can't fix it if you won't tell me what it is.

If this is your way of forcing me to get over you, it's cruel and unlike you.

So I'm writing this letter, so you can know how I feel. You can know all my dysfunctional feelings without ever having to pick up a phone.

I just hope you still care.

Please care. I don't know what I would do without you now.

And I don't want to figure out.

I just want to go back.

First off, thanks for reading. Also, I'm sorry if you're one of my frequent readers and you were expecting this to be a Hogwarts!Faberry update, or the sequel to OGAC. I'll get to those eventually, but college is kicking my ass right now.

The reason I wrote this, after going months without writing anything other than papers, is that it's a story very dear to me. I had some feelings that I had no idea what to do with, and instead of just letting them stay inside me and slowly destroy me, I decided to give them to Quinn. So, sorry Quinn. We have to get through this together now.