"I trust the red sun setting, the lefaless November trees. On Monday morning I look forwards fearlessly to Friday's eve."
She is happy.
Actually, she is ridiculously happy. She lives in a mansion, is rewarded with a golden mark for being the most successful teenager in the world. She is starting a family with the guy she really loves.
So what is holding her back?
Miley has always been a good dodge ball player, she could always dodge away every ball, every hurtful comment, spiteful wishing that were made by people who absolutely hated her, yet these days she couldn't dodge the biggest bullet of them all; her betraying heart.
It would happen in any time of the day, by now it even happened a few times. She would restlessly travel around the house, fixing pillows on the couch, or simply dusting off the shelves when the attack would begin to work its way up her spine.
First, she'd feel the shattering feeling of loneliness, which would live her gasping for air. The only way she can explain it is by describing an asthma attack; it felt like her lungs closed off on her, and it took everything in her to keep on breathing.
Second part of the pain would then seep onto her skin, making her feel thousands of blades creating scars on her perfect little skinny body. And it would exhaust her to the point where she felt the need to sit down.
And then, finally would come the worst part. She would have to take a hold of something firm to stop herself from falling down. Preferably, she would grasp the end of the table, as she'd double over in pain.
Her heart; that was the problem. No, it wasn't the medical one, she had already been to dozens of doctors yet no one could help her. Some even prescribed her some depression meds, thinking she was sad, and remarkably about to take her own life.
But it wasn't that, and deep down Miley knew exactly with what she was dealing because she had been through it before. But she was younger, much much younger.
The pain wouldn't be directed at her body, but directly aimed for her heart and she'd go down, binding into a loud scowl as she'd place her shaking hand over her heart. And she'd feel it stop ticking, because truth to be told, in those moments she absolutely had no idea what she was living for.
Yes, she is happy. She has a great life. Like she already repeated to herself thousands of times, she goes to sleep with a smile on her face; running her fingers up and down her fiancés' arm. She feels safe as she wonders down to wonderland, but then the next day it would begin all over again.
And she knew exactly what was triggering those attacks.
The first time it was a picture. Miley had been cleaning her closet when she found it lying on the floor, just waiting to be picked up. She looked at it closely at first, maybe even scared to come any nearer. But then with all the courage she could muster, she bent down and grabbed it with force. Three seconds later his beautiful crooked smile was signed into her brain and the pain started.
The second time, it was the familiar sound of a guitar. It was nothing special, and to this day she has no idea if it was the idea that he could be in the next room playing with the chords or the familiar tune of the song that had her shaking into oblivion.
Third time, which happened a few weeks ago, was when she rummaged the cupboard to find some hidden chocolate. Instead of the thing she aimed for, she found an old gum wrapper, and the memories flooded in leaving her screaming in pain once again.
And that's how she realised the only thing that's been repeating within those attacks; was he. He would always be there, hiding behind closed doors, leaning over when she'd kiss her man, constantly whispering how big of a mistake she had made...
It was hard, really hard to realise at first because she really hated the fact that after all these years he still had a such strong hold over her. But without any other explanation besides her being crazy, she realised it was him that was putting her in pain.
It was Nick Jonas, the love of her life that couldn't whip away from her head, and even more importantly, her heart.
So Miley tried hiding the objects that would make her remember him in any way. She locked away all the guitars, she threw an old sheet over her piano. She decided to never buy another gum in her life if it would stop her from feeling the same feeling over and over again. And lastly, she stopped eating meat, fully knowing it was his favourite food.
But it didn't help.
No, she was still consumed, each day even more. Soon, it didn't take an object to place her into her misery, a sight of her bed would make her travel back in time to those beautiful late nights when she felt like thats what forever looked like. She would remember his hand on her cheek, and how incredibly soft his lips were and she'd be gone; the agony of the pain would take over.
Still, it didn't exactly explain what was happening to her. She understood that she had been thinking about her ex-boyfriend, a love she never truly countered and it was her stupid head that was messing with her. But she was very wrong.
It didn't fully dawn up on her until she was rummaging through her closet again, this time looking through her old boxes. She knew she was dancing on dangerous territory, but she couldn't help herself. Few minutes later, she dug out his purple shirt, the one she basically stole from him when they became official.
Tears came pretty quickly. She didn't know why she felt like this. One moment she was content with her life, so ridiculously happy about her wedding day and then the next second she was sliding down the wall, crying out his name and cursing the day he walked away.
The point is, she heard the front door slam and knew Liam had came home. So she scattered all the stuff that were thrown around her and dumped them back into a box. She just got into the bathroom before her fiancé saw her deluded state.
And as she walked into the bathroom, she saw a ghost shape of a young and scared girl and the realisation fully settled over her blonde hair.
She understood.
"Why?" Miley croaked out that day, leaning with her palms against the white marble sink. She saw her face; red and splotched from all the crying. Her eyes were double their normal size and her nose was hardly keeping its fluids in.
She looked like a total wreck, and that wasn't even the beginning of how she felt.
But as she moved away from the sink, too sad to even look at herself, she sat down onto the floor and realised. It was her heart that couldn't move on from him. Her heart was in pain, and it was coming to the border line where she would either kill herself from the sorrow that took over her life, or would simply let her heart do it for her.
She was nursing a broken heart, and we all know how much of a bitch that can be.
Few weeks after it started, Miley leaned back onto the lip of the couch and sighed continentally. She had just had an amazing day with her friends, saw that she got nominated for the leading star of the year and found out her sister in law is about to give birth. Nothing could've been more perfect.
Until that word sent her spiralling back into her past, when perfect meant something entirely different, and her life was so, so much simpler.
And in one tiny little moment, she wished more than anything to go back to that place; to that comfort of being with the boy you are completely head over heels in love with. And if she were to go back in time, she'd make sure to know to never let him go.
And that thought alone makes her shiver when she drives back into reality. But it was her fault from the very beginning. She was too jealous; she gave him space when all he wanted was a close cuddle; she pushed him away during every conversation wanting to protect her heart from being torn open completely. And look where it got her, she's twenty years old, engaged to be married to a really kind guy and yet her heart belongs to another.
Miley hates it. She hates it so much, that she wishes she could just take her own life and end everything; including the pain. But she can't. For the sake of her family, and for the sake of him too.
So instead she gets into her bath, soaps her body and fills her mind with beautiful memories, the ones who give her no pain but erupt butterflies inside her stomach. And she leans her head back, moaning at how fairytale-like her life is in her mind.
Then she waters away the soap, and slowly dashes to the bedroom where she takes out one of his v-neck t-shirts, and climbs into the bed.
She had been dreaming about him since the day she met him. It was always a happy end that her mind would let her see; she'd take the baby out of its crib and softly hum a lullaby known only to be sang from a mother to her child. She would start swaying to an unknown tune, smiling the rare smile as she watched the life she had created responding to her voice.
A bit later, the love of her life would lean against the doorframe and he'd have one of his gorgeous uneven smiles. He would walk over to them and kiss both his wife and their child. Then all three of them would start swaying to the music in the background, and the baby would fall soundlessly asleep.
Then, in her dream, Miley would look out of the window and she would see what she always sees; a white picket fence with soft pink roses lining up the inside of the backyard. And she would smile really big, knowing her heart is finally at bay.
"But humans are not as reliable as nature, as trees. I wonder if you'll come back; I trust only that you leave."
A/N: Please don't ask me what this is because I have no idea. It is just a vent of mine, and I hope you guys like it. I uploaded it because when I read it, I realised it was tragic, and these days that's exactly what my life is.