Have no idea where this came from but it wrote itself in about 1/2 an hour. Enjoy--or not.
Serenity's heart is broken again and River can feel the pain.
She always could but this time there is very little she can do about it. Last time she soothed the ship because she knew Inara and Shepherd would be back but now… now, they are two down and those will never crawl up from the dirt to play again.
The twisted metal and shards of wiring hanging from every crack and crevice are tears that the Firefly can't shed and so River wishes she could do it for her but her tears are all gone.
She lies on the galley while they all sleep even though their sleep is uneasy because of the dreams that threaten as soon as their eyes close.
River knows that as soon as she shuts her own eyes their dreams will crawl into her and become hers and she'll dream of places she's never seen and people she's never killed, blood she never shed, hearts she never broke and love she's never known.
She lives a lifetime in each night and they all wonder why she is so tired come morning.
She could tell them but it would only scare them more.
Instead River tries to calm herself by listening.
Listening to the sound of their hearts beating in the silence of the ship. They assume that as blood rushes and the vessel contracts the sound is always the same but that isn't true.
River knows each person by the sound of their heart.
Mal's sounds like the staccato rhythm of the gunfire that burns through his dreams and wakes him shivering in a cold sweat. His heart shatters the silence with its rapid fire thrum and River can never sleep when Mal is near; it reminds her too much of the maidenhead and guns blazing.
Inara's should sound calm and fluid like the ocean, a steady whoosh of in and out, but the tumult inside that never shows on the surface is just as violent as the Captain's.
Her beat is a pounding drum out of sync, harsh in its discord.
That was why River knows they are incompatible. Two heartbeats that beat at such a volume always hide the words that they want to say and leave only disharmony in its wake.
Zoe's heart only beats infrequently now and with a sad slow tremble like a child at the end of a crying jag when all that are left are remnants of sobs and a tired aching hollowness. It used to be so strong when it had its matching partner in the funny dinosaur man whose heart was the calmest River had ever heard.
Ofttimes River curled up outside the cockpit and felt calmed by the gentle ebb and flow of Wash's pulse and its matching throb in the warrior woman.
Simon's heartbeat was as familiar as her own and River could tell what he was thinking at any given moment by the resonance of it. In some ways it was like the ticking of a clock. Honest reliable and almost indistinguishable from other background noises. It sped up when Kaylee was around but mostly it faded into the general cacophony of engine noise and swirling thoughts.
Kaylee's, of course, was like the girl herself; tinkling and happy, all chimes and wedding bells; a song swayed by her moods and her activities. A slow salsa when alone with Serenity and a quick two step when Simon was around. Tick tick cha cha, the two of them matched so very well.
And then there was Jayne. The mercenary who had been through so much and let on so little.
Out of all of them it was his that River listened out for the most.
Steady, strong and soothing. A rumble of thunder in the distance, echoing in rolling waves. It was a rock that never altered, never changed and it grounded River.
When she was falling through the air all she had to do was listen for that deep thump, the rhythm that signalled home and there he was.
He was a roar and the drum beat was a purr in his chest that soothed the itches in her skin.
Maybe one day she'd tell him that their heartbeats matched in pitch and rhythm and that theirs would be the best merging in the whole 'verse.
Maybe one day he wouldn't run screaming into the Black when she lay her head on his chest and finally had a peaceful sleep away from the nightmares of the crew, just listening to the beat of his heart.