Dorito Kombat
Armageddon had arrived.
The realms suffered heavily from the ensuing kombat between the challengers from every prior tournament.
Soon, with the realms in danger of being torn asunder from the relentless fighting, the elder gods quickly assembled a final tournament to sate the bloodlust of the kombatants.
While the fighters battled relentlessly, a giant pyramid rose from the earth, with a luminescent ball of fire on top of it.
Naturally, it was easy to assume the elder gods came up with this at the last minute.
Needless to say, the fighting continued, with every fighter battling relentlessly and mercilessly to be the first to reach the top of the pyramid.
Eventually, after much time passed, two kombatants finally made it to the top of the structure, two arch enemies who had fought numerous times in the Mortal Kombat universe.
They were Liu Kang and Shao Kahn.
Now, atop the pyramid with the ball of flame, which was actually the master of the tournament, Blaze, Kang and Kahn were now officially ready to decide who would be the ultimate victor in the decisive finale of Mortal Kombat.
"Shao Kahn!" Liu Kang began, pointing at the vile warlord. "At last, we finally meet for one last fight! You will pay for all of the evil and the injustices that you have committed against Earthrealm!"
"Ha! Foolish mortal!" Shao Kahn stepped forward menacingly, dressed in his traditional warrior's garb, complete with his skull-shaped helmet. He held his giant warhammer at the ready. "My time to conquer Earthrealm is finally at hand! All that remains is to crush you for good, so that I may finally invade your home and rule over it as king!"
"You won't get that chance, Kahn," Liu fired back, striking a fighting pose. "Once I defeat you one last time, I'll make certain you never get the chance to cause harm again! After all, I've beaten you before, and I can do it once more!"
"Ha! That's where you're wrong," Kahn declared. "Those past victories you won were merely dumb luck. This time, I will destroy you with my superior might and power!" Kahn paused, sizing up his opponent. "Besides, you're a freaking zombie!"
Liu Kang looked himself over, remembering his dark, discolored skin covered with numerous wounds and dried blood. Only his black and red pants and red headband remained the same. "Don't remind me," Liu muttered bitterly. Then Liu quickly got a smile on his face as he looked at his adversary. "One thing about it, I do have these!"
Liu quickly revealed his long, hooked chains strapped to his wrists, swinging them at Kahn's ankles.
"What th-aargh!" Kahn failed to notice as the chains caught his ankles, tripping him. Liu snickered after watching Kahn fall on his rear.
Kahn stood up, greatly angered from the move. "Why, you-" he began as he charged with his warhammer raised.
Right before Kahn reached Liu, a wall of flame blasted into existence between them. The two rivals looked over to see the towering entity of fire known as Blaze suddenly emerge from the flames. "Liu Kang! Shao Kahn!" His low voice boomed across the arena. "You two are the last two in the tournament! The time has now come for you to battle for the ultimate prize! The winner will receive my power, and with it, the realization of his destiny!"
The entire speech saw Liu Kang and Shao Kahn covering their ears and wincing in pain. "Zombie Jeebus on a pogo stick!" Kahn shouted. "Do you have to speak so loud?!"
"Good point," Liu added. "Plus, where were you all this time? You disappeared just as we reached the top!"
"Shut up!" Blaze answered angrily. "I'm so sick of people complaining about my voice! I'm not even yelling!" The giant elemental then let out a huge belch. "Also, my hot wings were finished by the time you got here, so I downed those real quick."
Sweatdrops graced the heads of the two kombatants for a moment. Then all three minds returned to the match at hand. "All right, Blaze, you're here, and we're ready to fight!" Liu declared. "I'm ready to save Earthrealm!"
"I'm ready to conquer it!" Kahn said in turn. "Let's get this party started!"
"As you wish," Blaze bellowed. "However, this will not be a normal fight. Instead, this final battle will consist of a special challenge! The first to beat this challenge will be the champion!"
Lui Kang and Shao Kahn looked perplexed from this announcement. "But…but Mortal Kombat has always been about fighting and violence, not to mention blood, gore, and game ratings!" Liu said in protest. Kahn nodded in agreement.
"Ah, perhaps," Blaze said in reply. "But now, it's about new things, including strategy, skill, and the timeless event of eating potato chips!"
"Potato what?!" Liu asked in utter confusion.
"Whose chips?!" Kahn asked, also caught off guard.
"What?" Blaze asked as well, confused by their confusion. "You've never heard of potato chips? Hahahahaha!" Blaze's laughter shook the pyramid, toppling Liu and Kahn over like chess pieces.
"Okay," Liu said, getting back on his feet. "Please don't ever laugh again. Plus, we've never seen any potato chips before. The tournament never even had them!"
Blaze disappeared for a moment. When he returned, he had a bag of chips in his hand, which he promptly dropped to the ground. "Here," he said. "They were around in the tournament. You just had to yell out 'toasty' as loud as you could, then a guy with brown hair would appear and give you some."
"What?!" both kompetitors asked in astonishment.
"Never mind!" Blaze bellowed. "Now, to the challenge at hand, which is very simple. Each of you will take turns tossing a chip in the air, trying to catch it in your mouth and eat it. The first to do so wins. You are free to use whatever means to keep your opponent from succeeding. However, one rule does apply: Do not, for any reason, destroy the bag of chips, since I'll be eating the leftovers. If one of you breaks this rule, I will kill you both. Freaking bag cost me five bucks."
Sweatdrops appeared on the kombatants' heads once again. Eventually, though, they shook on the challenge and were ready to begin. Liu took the first turn, grabbing the bag. He read it over. "Doritos?" he wondered aloud.
"They're the greatest chips in the world!" Blaze uttered with pride. "Winning this challenge will be a treat for either of you, as you will truly get to 'taste' victory!" Blaze laughed again.
"Stop laughing!" Liu and Kahn screamed. Once the pyramid stopped jumping, Liu took a chip and tossed it in the air. He opened his mouth wide, ready to catch the chip. Soon, the chip landed in his mouth. Liu was about to celebrate, until a dire burning feeling permeated his mouth.
"Hot! Hot! Hot!" Liu ran in circles with a dastardly hot chip in his mouth. Eventually, the chip fell out of his mouth.
"Oh, so close," Blaze said in amusement. "I took the liberty of buying my favorite flavor to make this more interesting."
Liu and Kahn both inspected the bag. "Onaga-licious," they said in unison. They gave Blaze an angry glare.
"What?" Blaze asked, clearly hurt. "Don't blame me, I didn't name them!"
"Yeah, right," Kahn said. "Now it's my turn!" He grabbed a chip and tossed it in the air, then opened his mouth, ready to catch it.
The chip bounced off his helmet and landed on the gound. Liu and Blaze both snickered.
Kahn angrily slammed his helmet on the ground. "Shut up," he said to Liu.
Liu rolled his eyes. "At least I don't try to look like a dork when I fight," he said as he grabbed another one of the chips. He tossed it in the air and opened his mouth, bracing himself for the intense, not-so-fruity flavor.
"Shang Tsung is behind you!" Kahn shouted.
Liu spun around, and found…nothing. The chip bounced off his head and landed on the ground. The shaolin monk glared at his opponent, who laughed out loud. "I find it hilarious that he actually killed you!" Kahn said.
Kahn then picked up a chip, tossed it in the air, and placed himself in catching position.
"Look out!" Liu cried out suddenly. "It's the Deadly Alliance!"
Kahn whirled around, looking for the duo, but no one was around. The chip then ricocheted off the warlord's chrome dome and landed on the ground.
Kahn stomped his foot while Liu laughed. "I find it hilarious that they killed you!" The monk then grabbed a chip and made another attempt.
"Kitana wants to kiss you," Kahn said.
Liu suddenly looked around with hearts in his eyes. Unfortunately, the blade fan-wielding female was nowhere to be found. The chip broke into pieces upon hitting the ground, as did the hearts.
Kahn snickered as he picked up his own chip. "What a dork," he said as his opponent fumed at him. He set himself in position to catch the airborne chip.
"Kano is stealing your equipment," Liu said.
Kahn scrambled for his helmet and hammer frantically. He looked around, but Kano was nowhere to be found. The chip landed next to his foot. Kahn slammed his hammer upon the arena in rage.
Liu chuckled at the sight. "Man, what a baby," he mused.
"You've got a point there, Liu," Blaze said in agreement.
"Shut up and take your blasted turn already!" Kahn shouted at Liu. Then he pointed at Blaze. "You just stay out of this."
Blaze rolled his eyes as Liu grabbed another chip. He tossed it up, and readied himself for his next catch. Suddenly, a giant blast of green…well, green something flew out and vaporized the chip. Liu looked at Kahn in astonishment.
Kahn wiped his nose, sporting an evil grin in the process. "Sorry, I…'sneezed.'" He threw his head back in profound laughter.
Blaze's face twisted in utter disgust. "Kahn, that's disgusting!"
"Tell me about it," Liu said in an annoyed tone. "I had to put up with lots of his 'sneezing' during the third tournament."
"Wusses," Kahn quipped. "Never deny the power of my sneeze!" Then he tossed the chip in the air. He had his mouth open as he readied his catch, until a streak of fire blasted the chip apart. Oddly enough, the chip actually ignited, causing a moderate explosion. Kahn was thrown from his feet.
He got back up with a somewhat blackened face. "Curse your fireballs, Liu Kang!"
Liu Kang crossed his arms as he looked on, satisfied. "I wasn't expecting the explosion, but it was a nice touch."
Blaze flashed a smile. "They don't call them 'Onaga-licious' for just the taste!" he said amidst a chuckle.
"You got lucky with that," Kahn said, "but you won't get lucky again!"
We'll see about that, Liu thought as he grabbed a chip. He tossed it in the air, ready to catch it.
"Kung Lao's hat is flying at you!" Kahn shouted.
Liu's head darted around. At first, there was nothing, but then, Kung Lao's ever-so-familiar blade-rimmed hat flew up from below, slicing the chip apart. Liu and Kahn looked over at where the hat came from, totally astonished.
"Okay," Kahn said in disbelief. "I wasn't expecting that."
"Oh, for the love of the elder gods!" Blaze shouted as he lumbered over to the edge of the pyramid. He summoned a gargantuan fireball and threw it to the earth far below, where it exploded in a humongous inferno. "Stop fighting down there!" the fire elemental roared. "We already have our freaking finalists!" Blaze then returned to his original position in the center of the ring. "Okay, go ahead," he said, clearly annoyed.
Kahn grabbed a chip. He tossed it in the air. I'm going to catch it this time, he thought confidently as complete and total victory fell towards his gaping maw.
"(incomprehendible gibberish)!" Liu yelled out as he flew through the air, his legs whirling ahead as though he was pedaling a bike. Kahn looked over just in time to see and feel a flurry of feet repeatedly kick his face.
Eventually, the storm of soles ended with Kahn flat on his back. Liu struck a pose upon landing. Man, I love doing that, he thought.
Liu then grabbed another chip. However, before he could even toss it in the air, a giant warhammer flew at him, with a blunt end smashing into the side of the head. The chip fell out of Liu's hand as he fell to the ground.
Kahn pumped a fist as he laughed. "I practiced that all night before the fight today!" he said proudly.
"Kahn's turn," Blaze announced.
"What?!" Liu shouted as he got up. "I didn't even toss my chip in the air!"
"Doesn't matter, it still left your hand," Blaze clarified.
"Suck on that!" Kahn chimed in as he tossed his chip in the air.
"Suck on THIS!" Liu screamed in rage as he landed a flying kick to Kahn's bulls-eye. The warlord doubled in pain as he felt something, or some things, shatter "down there." His chip fell to the ground. Liu stepped on that in front of Kahn's face. That made Kahn hurt even more.
"Enough of these games," Liu growled. "I'm going to win this, no matter what it takes!" He grabbed a chip, tossed it, and opened his mouth, but an opposing fist ended it right there by sending the shaolin monk soaring across the arena.
"You'll have to take that, then!" Kahn yelled at Liu.
"That does it!" Liu shouted as he ran at Kahn. "Screw the chips, we fight now!" As he closed in, two green energy bars, one labeled "Liu Kang" and the other labeled "Shao Kahn," appeared in the sky with the number 90 in between them. A disembodied voice came out of nowhere, saying "Round one, fight!" The two kombatants were soon brawling fiercely as they exchanged numerous blows. Between the fireballs of Liu and the "sneezes" of Kahn, it looked like there was no end in sight.
Blaze let out a ground shaking laugh that hampered the fight. "Ha ha ha!" he laughed. "This challenge is really getting interesting!"
The two fighters glared at him furiously. "What did we say about your laughter?!" they shouted in unison.
All of a sudden, a harpoon shot up from below. The spear tipped end caught the bag of chips. A pull on the rope sent the bag flying over the edge.
Liu, Kahn, and Blaze stared in shock. "Hey!" Blaze yelled at earsplitting volume loud enough for the whole realm to hear. "Who stole my chips?!"
As though answering the question, a ninja dressed in yellow and black leapt upon the arena.
"Scorpion!" The other three shouted in unison.
They didn't get a chance to question the ninja's motives as Scorpion shot the chip-snagging harpoon from his sleeve, latching onto Liu's chest. Scorpion's empty eyes glowed a moment as he shouted, "Get over….there!" Then he whipped the monk into Kahn, sending them both tumbling over the edge.
Blaze, infused with rage, stomped over to Scorpion and shook one of his flame-wreathed fists at him. "Give me my chips back right this instant," the fire elemental threatened, "Or Fujin help me, I'll-"
The flaming giant's words were cut off when a harpoon caught him in a spot similar to where Liu's foot landed when his flying kick "dis-armed" Kahn. Blaze's eyes glowed with pain as he looked down nervously at Scorpion, who held the rope.
Scorpion's eyes narrowed as he said, "Get out of here." Then the ninja yanked the rope.
The next sixty seconds were filled with a blood-curling roar as (next section of paragraph undisclosed due to horrifyingly graphic content).
Blaze was now strewn about in pieces as liquid magma spread across the arena. Scorpion glowed momentarily as he took in Blaze's ultimate power. After he received it, Mortal Kombat's most famous ninja then infused his power into the bag of Doritos, permanently changing its flavor to Netherrealm Nacho. Scorpion then walked down the stairs, eating his new chips.
After he left, a human with brown hair mysteriously appeared, wearing casual clothes. After surveying the carnage, a smile came upon his face as he said, "Toasty!"
Thus, the tournament ended, with Scorpion as the victor.
All in all, the fight was indeed decided by Liu Kang and Shao Kahn, as they both lost.
See, even losers can have a hand in who wins.
I bet you didn't see that one coming.
-Fin-