Disclaimer: Characters belong to someone that is not me. Lyrics belong to Disciple.
Spoilers: Redux of both I and II
A/N: Heard this song one day in the car. Wanted to write a fic. Finally did. I have few words today.
He always thought she would be there for him when the world crashed down around his ears. He hadn't counted on the world crashing down at the same time she did. He hadn't counted on her becoming his world.
He'd always fancied himself a maverick, able to strike out on his own, no baggage, no repercussions. And then she came along and changed that. It hadn't been immediate of course. It had actually taken several years before he fully understood what she meant to him. Maybe he still didn't get it. He could admit it though, and that was the most important part.
Now he stood outside her window, staring at her unconscious form in the hospital bed, feeling twelve and helpless. Only this time it was worse. This time it truly was his fault and this time there would be no hoping for a safe return.
He wanted to pound his fist into the window or the wall or Skinner's face at least, but he lacked the energy to do more than stand there. He knew Scully would be disappointed in him for losing control like that. That thought alone had kept him from performing several violent acts in the past, and could probably carry him through indefinitely.
He hadn't really been paying attention to how long he had been standing there until he felt someone at his side.
"Hello Fox."
As much as he cared about this woman, she was the last person on earth he wanted to see.
"Hi, Mrs. Scully."
They stood quietly for a few moments, neither of them sure what to say. The woman before them was one of the most important things in Maggie's life, and certainly in Mulder's, and no words came to mind that could do her justice.
"I talked to her doctor," Maggie said finally.
"What did he say?"
"Not a lot."
Mulder nodded.
"I'm sorry," he said finally. "This is my fault."
"No, it's not."
"You don't know the whole situation. If it weren't for me-"
"Dana would be going through this alone."
"She wouldn't be going through this at all."
"Stop it, Fox. It doesn't matter to me how she got here, and it doesn't matter to her. All that matters is that her best friend is by her side, no matter what happens. Now if you want me to allow you to see her, you had best go home and change your attitude. Dana hates your self-depreciation, and she doesn't want your pity either."
"But-"
"Go and see her for a minute, and then you need to leave. Believe me, once you've had time alone with your thoughts, you'll be much better support for her."
"Okay."
She patted his hand and steered him towards the door.
"Two minutes, Fox."
He nodded and went into the room. He had been dreading this since he walked into the hospital, but now that he was here, it wasn't so bad. The machines had been turned down so the beeping wasn't so loud. If he could ignore the tube in her mouth, it was almost like she was simply asleep. He took her hand in his, noticing how much smaller it felt. Her bones felt like glass. He looked up at her face, the sunken eyes, the thin lips, the pale skin. Her hair had lost its sheen, even its volume, as it hung limply around her face. Her eyes were closed, but her eyelids were so thin now, it was almost as if he could see through them. Still alive, but looking more ghost-like than ever, she slept soundly.
He walked to her side and wound his fingers around hers. He was wishing that she would squeeze his hand back, but he knew she probably wouldn't. He slid his fingers over her hand a few times, then perched on the side of her bed.
"I don't know if you can hear me, Scully. Despite all I believe in, this is one of those things I have always thought was silly. Yet here I am. I guess you really do challenge me."
He sighed and looked at her eyes to see if they had opened. Nothing.
"Please get better, Scully. I need that smile, just one more time. Get better and then get away. That's all I want."
He kissed her fingers, then leaned over and kissed her forehead.
"I... I... I'll see you later, Scully."
He left the room quickly, not wanting to see the strongest woman he knew in this state any longer. It was just too much.
To say he was disappointed in himself would have been an understatement. He couldn't even tell an unconscious woman, one that he trusted with his life that he loved her. Even when she was laying in what could be her deathbed.
He didn't deserve her. But if he ever got her back, she'd know. Maybe not in words, but she would know.
It's just a matter of time a few days ago
I saw you, you were fine
Remembering what you said
About the book you read
The one I got you
The Beginning of the End
Oh how we'd talk
For hours upon end
What I would give
Just to do it again
But you're lying there
In this hospital bed
Won't you open your eyes
And let's talk once again
If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you that I love you
I hope that you can hear me
I hope that you can feel me
If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you that I'm sorry
That I never told you
When we were face to face
Well I've been here all night
And I'm watching you
Breathe in and breathe out
Is it really you
Or just a machine
That's giving you life
And it's making it seem
That there could be hope
I could say to your face
If it weren't for you
That there would be no grace
That's covered my life
You took the time
To speak into my mind
And my heart
Words of life
So goodbye for now
And I'll see you again
Some way, somehow
When it's my time to go
to the other side
I'll hold you again
And melt at your smile
Now all I have
Are the ones that I'm with
And you taught me not
To take for granted
The time that we have
To show that we care
Speak into their minds
And their hearts
While they're here
And say I love you