Rating: PG-13 for one word
WARNINGS: contains references to homosexuality, nothing graphic. Technically slash, Todd/Kurt
--
Dear Mom and Dad,
Remember when you said you didn't want grandchildren? Well good news!
--
Kurt stared at the page for a moment, then crumpled it up and pushed it off the side of the desk. Okay, that was moronic. More than moronic. He couldn't send a letter starting with THAT to his parents. He squared a new sheet in front of him and stared at it, gnawing on the end of his Bic pen and tail twitching. It was 8 o'clock on a Friday night, and the sky outside his window pink with the reflections of snow, hiding the stars from view. Back home it would be about five in the morning. His parents would be sleeping soundly in their bed, his father probably snoring loud enough to shake the walls.
Kurt tried again.
--
Dear Mom and Dad,
It's been awhile. How are things going back home? It's alright here. It's been a long week. Xavier has me 'grounded' until my English grade goes up, so I have to hang around the Institute most of the time. Before you freak out, it's only a C, I'm not failing or anything. I just missed a couple book reports. And that test on The Portrait of Dorian Grey. Maybe a couple chapter assignments. But that's all. I can make it up before the semester grade comes in.
Everyone here is doing okay. Jubilee went on an early Christmas spree and covered the entire building in decorations. There's plastic garlands everywhere and she hung little sprigs of mistletoe in just about every doorway. It's been funny watching people try to catch each other under them. It's been snowing a lot, too. The snows pink, when it gets dark. It makes it look like daytime all the time. Or twilight, at least. It's a different sort of snow than the snow at home. The snow at home was always blue. I like being able to go out in it, though, during the daytime. Winter's different when you don't see it through the window.
I suppose, in the time it takes for you to get this, you'll already know what happened with Amanda. I plan to tell you that over the phone, and if I mention it in the letter I won't be able to cop out like I did last time. It happened a couple weeks ago. I meant to tell you, I really did, it's just that when I was on the phone talking to you I thought about how disappointed you'd be, and I couldn't go through with it. I know how much you liked her, or at least, what I told you about her. And you said when you saw the photos that she looked like such a sweet girl, and you were so happy I'd found someone like her, someone who could see past the mutations. I know you never said the last part, but I know it's what you meant. Amanda was just so normal. Everything about her was normal. She's clever, smart, funny, beautiful, has a great smile, and, of course, is 100 free of fur, claws, tail, fins, flippers, slime, telekinesis, weird super powers and the ability to read minds (except when I'm trying to keep a secret, at which point, all bets are off on the mind-reading thing) Of course, she was a Protestant, but I know Dad would say nobody's perfect. This would hopefully be where somebody laughs.
Yeah, Amanda is (almost) the perfect American girl. There really isn't anything not to love about her. This is why trying to explain why I broke up with her is going to be really difficult, but I want to think that, all things considered, you'll be able to accept it and it won't change your opinion of me. I know you've had to accept a lot already, a lot more than most parents do, anyway, so maybe one more thing won't be so bad?
Right, anyway. On with it. The explanation.
I do like Amanda a lot. I didn't break up with her because of anything she did, or anything I did, or some deep dark secret came out like it those soaps you watch, Mom. We were a really normal couple. I liked taking her to the school dances and I liked dates and dinner and movies and all that stuff you normally do with your girlfriend in High School. We had a lot of fun. (And Dad, I know you've been behaving and never asked me this question, but you don't have to worry; there was never any sex involved. I don't think it's right, and I wouldn't do something like that to her, anyway. So relax.)
As far as the relationship went, we were pretty much Leave it to Beaver all the way. Which should sound about perfect, but have you ever really watched that show? The German translation is pretty bad, but it's just about as bad in English. Everybody's smiling. Nobody ever gets mad or upset, nobody ever gets in a screaming match and punches somebody's lights out. It's all fluff and bunnies and morals and happy endings. Which really, when you get right down to it, never happens in real life. Everything is so happy and dispassionate and empty in that show. And I guess that's about how it was with me and Amanda.
Still, this would have been okay with me. After all, Leave it to Beaver is better than most people get out of life, especially people who have a tail. And I probably would have been pretty happy. In that hollow, dispassionate, superficial way. But I wouldn't have known any better.
So, yeah. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I had to leave Amanda because I met somebody else, and after that I DID know better. Though I guess 'met' isn't really the right word. I mean, I already knew them, I just hadn't really thought about everything that way before and once I did it was a little hard to forget.
Okay, this somebody I met. You're probably going to be mad.
His name is Todd.
He's a mutant. Like me. He's in school with me but he doesn't go to the Institute. Actually, he's caused a lot of problems for the Institute. But he's really not that bad of a guy, if you talk to him. Though I doubt you'll ever talk to him. I know better than to think that. But if you did you'd find out he's not the kind of guy you're thinking of. I know what you're thinking of. You're thinking of Lt Greuber or Queer As Folk or something. That's what I used to think of when I heard 'gay' too. TV kind of gay, you know? Faggot gay. But that's not it. He's just a normal guy. A mutant, granted, but he doesn't sing showtunes or dance or coordinate colors. In fact, he's pretty grungy. He doesn't worry about how he looks or what people think of him. He's NORMAL. For a guy.
Of course, I don't know if he's really gay, because he used to have a really bad crush on this girl. But then, I did too. But it's not the same thing. With Amanda I was dating her because that was what I was supposed to be doing. I spent time with Todd because that was what I WANTED to be doing.
Does that make any sense?
Look, I know you're not going to agree with it all, but I'm pretty sure I'm gay. Not that I like the idea much more than you do. But I can't HELP it. It's not what you think it is, really, it's not. I'm not turning into some weird sexual deviant and, before Mom says anything, I haven't been seduced into it. Actually, it was kind of my idea. Todd went along with it. And no, nothing happened, it's not like that. We're not doing anything and we're not a couple, not really. I didn't dump Amanda for Todd. It just got me thinking about the whole thing.
Actually, I don't know if Todd and I will ever be, you know, together or anything like that. It's very VERY casual. I think he's a little scared of me (not the mutations, me.) But that's alright, because right now I'm kind of scared of him, too. I don't think I could handle a real relationship right now. It's a bit confusing, you know? You raised me a Catholic. I don't think it's bad anymore, but it is very weird, and I just need to sort things out and get comfortable with myself for a while. But I thought you should know. You're my parents, and that's not going to change, and I'd like to think the same thing applies to your end of it. I mean, if you can handle the fur, is this so bad? Yeah, I know, it's a different kind of thing. But not really. I'm the same Kurt I always was. Now I'm just a little more aware of who that is.
So please, Mom and Dad, don't be angry with me. I just thought you deserved to know. I'm still your son, and I still love you. No matter what you decide to do about this, I can't change that, either.
We're still on for Christmas, right?
Love,
Kurt
--
In the hall outside his room, somebody was humming a Beatles song as they wandered down the corridor. Kurt stared at what he'd written for a moment. It was long, rambling, easily distracted and looked about as uncomfortable as he felt. And it was also going to go in the mail tomorrow morning. Hands still shaking a little, Kurt folded the pages up into thirds and stuffed the mess into an envelope, sealing it shut. On the front he wrote his address, and his parent's address, and licked the self-adhering stamp when he tried to stick it to the corner. He rolled his eyes, got a new one, and stuck it on.
Ready.
Kurt glanced at his clock. It was a little after 9 pm. Outside, the snow was slowly falling, creating a soft, melting bank on the window sill. The snow went on and on, hiding the trees and the security fencing and the over-worked garden that looked more unnatural than inviting. Kurt caught ahold of the window and pushed it up, a blast of cold air coming over him and making his fur stand on in. The air smelled cold and perfect. He leaned out onto the sill, elbows in the snow, and let the snowflakes dot his face. Sometimes, Winter could be so beautiful.