Hi all. So this is a story about Sherlock and John finally getting together (I don't know where it's placed in the show yet timeline-wise). Sherlock realizes his feelings but John seems so stubborn about 'being straight'. This is my very dark twist as to why John so adamantly says he's straight when he really does love Sherlock.

Warnings: The whole story warning will include slash, two men having consensual sex, separately: violence, descriptions of injuries, descriptions of past rape and child abuse (I will warn you if it gets graphic in said chapter), possible crime scene descriptions. This chapter however doesn't have much of anything for warning, it gets worse later on in chapters.

Disclaimer: I don't own, but if I did...ooh. Well, you can imagine.

The Deepest Darkest Corners Of John Watson's Soul Ch 1:

"John, I've come to the conclusion that I am in love with you," Sherlock stated.

The day had started quite typically. Sherlock had been whining about being bored. He refused food from John multiple times, talked to the skull, flopped on the couch in various contorted positions, then went to his old standby of experiments on the kitchen table with some new chemicals that had been delivered. John had been milling about as well: he had cleaned up around the flat, watched some Doctor Who, tried to get Sherlock to eat multiple times, and was now sitting in his chair reading a fantasy novel.

So, back to our situation: "John, I've come to the conclusion that I am in love with you," Sherlock said almost casually. He looked up from his fizzing beaker to watch John's expression.

It seemed to take John a moment to comprehend what the words truly were. When he did, he looked up from his book sharply to meet Sherlock's eyes.

"Are you having me on?... Is this some sort of experiment, or something, on human reactions?"

John, at first glance, looked quizzical with the beginnings of anger starting to show, but Sherlock could see many emotions flicker through his eyes and body below the surface: fear, hope, arousal, joy, defensiveness, and…terror?

"No-"

"Then it's for a case right? You need to see how someone would react to a person saying that to them?" John sounded both angry and slightly desperate. His tongue darted out to lick his lips nervously.

"No of course not John. I wouldn't do that to you..." Sherlock paused. "I've also come to the conclusion, through observation and deduction, that you are attracted to me and most likely have feelings for me as well. You had to have noticed the emotional and sexual tension between us lately, given how good you are with emotions. Even I noticed."

John's whole face flushed red. "But- but- but I'm straight. I'm straight," The second time voiced almost like an order to himself.

"Human sexuality is much more fluid than people think. Most people on Earth are bisexual but never act on it or even consciously know." Sherlock put his beaker and dropper down on the table and headed towards John.

"No! I'm not gay. I can't be. I just can't-" John's voice caught and he shut his eyes for a moment. He was now beet red, sweating, and jittery.

Sherlock reached out to take John's hand in his and drew tiny circles with his thumb over the back of John's knuckles. Sherlock saw John's pupils dilate, his breathing become faster, and he felt his pulse quicken; all signs of arousal.

John felt himself start to respond to this simple touch from Sherlock combined with his intensely focused stare into John's eyes. It was all too much: too fast, too soon, too male, too much what John had been trying to avoid his entire life… ever since that happened.

"I need air," John managed to choke out before he tore himself away from Sherlock and bolted towards the exit.

He heard Sherlock calling his name a few times before he shut 221B's door. John ran, feet slapping sharply on concrete. He tried to concentrate on taking the chilly air into his lungs and then exhaling it, not even caring where he was headed. He started to feel the beginnings of a panic attack; that horrible shakiness in every cell of your body, like they're all having mini-earthquakes; the dizzy headed feeling, his vision started to bend and warp in front of him; his heart felt like it was being squeezed over and over by something strong and electrified. He hadn't gotten one of these in a while. The nightmares usually only caused small panic attacks, not full-blown ones.

It was all crashing down around him, his whole freaking world. All those feelings and urges for men he had forced down and blocked the past 25 years or so were coming back to him all at once. He remembered in vivid detail each moment with Sherlock that caused him to feel something way more than friendship. He did care for Sherlock, god he did, but how could he be with any man, ever, after that man damaged him so badly. John could still feel his touch on his body. He suddenly ducked in an alley and vomited as tears streamed down his cheeks.

Alright chapter 1 done. This is going to be a multi chapter story and I'm going to update regularly. There will be action, romance, nightmares, some cases maybe, and drama, angst, and hurt/comfort. I really hope you all liked it so far. Please review, I'd love to know what you all think. Thanks so much for reading. P.S. I hope you liked Sherlock's declaration, it just seemed like such a Sherlock way of doing it, out of the blue like it's nothing huge, just a normal day doing his experiments. (And sorry, I was trying to get this story up faster but I got really sick and was unable to write for a bit.)