"Yeugh I don't know, he looks a little stupid to me," Rick said, belching and taking a swig of his flask.

"Dad!" Beth said.

"Oh, oh so you want me to lie Beth? Yeugh is that what you want me to do? I mean look at him," Rick barked, pointing at a smiling face wrapped in a blanket. The baby reached out towards Rick's finger uselessly. "He's got those weird, bulbous eyes."

"Remind me why we invited him again?" Jerry asked out of the corner of his mouth.

"Because he's my father," Beth said in rebuttal, glaring at her husband. "And he's as big a part of this family as you are."

Rick took another swig of whiskey.

"Quit drinking in front of him!" Jerry said, reaching for Rick's flask.

Rick pulled the flask out of reach without breaking his gaze with the baby.

"I mean... maybe he could be a-yuuuhh astronomer," Rick continued, "or like a lawyer or something, but I mean anything that involves, you know, a brain, will probably be impossible for him. I mean, you already brought Summer into this world and god knows she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer either, you know?" He paused for a second as his daughter gritted her teeth at his words. "...and I mean she's a girl so you can pawn her off to some rich Pakistani if she can keep her v-uhhhhhh-irginity that long. At least she has that, you know? At lead she has that. But raising a little boy? Seems a little much. Uh, uhhh, uh I say we just put him out of his misery right now."

"That's it, Rick, if you don't want to be supportive of this," Jerry said, rolling up his sleeve.

"Jerry, calm down," Beth said, putting her hand on his chest.

"Yeah, Jerry," Rick said, emphasizing the "E" sound.

"You might pull something."

"Shut up, dad, he's got a point," she added. "You're being a real prick, you know that? More than usual even."

Rick ignored her and continued staring at the infant with sick, judgmental eyes. It stared backed at him with a relentless happiness.

"Oh, darn it, speaking of Summer, it's 3 o'clock, I gotta go pick her up at school," Jerry said, whipping around and heading for the door. "I told her I wouldn't be late again."

"See? Y-you guys can't even handle, one kid," Rick said.

Jerry flipped him off and slammed the door.

The baby belched and some drool hung down on its face.

Beth immediately started wiping it up with a tissue.

"Remind me again how he got you pregnant?" Rick said to his daughter, watching her take care of her baby. "I'm surprised his sperms even know how to swim."

"Dad for god's sake," she said, revving up for an argument.

Just then her phone rang. She lifted it to her ear and her eyes widened.

"There's no one else who can help?" she asked in a panicked voice.

"Wha-What's goin on?" Rick said.

"Okay I'll be right there," she said, hanging up her phone. She desperately clambered for her jacket and reached into her dad's lab-coat. "I need to borrow your car, work emergency."

"It's not a car, Beth," he said.

Beth pulled a keyring from his coat.

Rick snatched it back.

"It's not a car, Beth," he said again, this time narrowing his gaze. "You have to be careful with it."

"I'll be careful with it," she said, desperately.

"Alright," he said, throwing her the keys.

"Thank you so much. Sorry to leave you alone with Morty," she said running out the door. "Jerry should be home in about twenty minutes or else I'd tell you everything you need to know."

"I know how to take care of b-eugh-abies," he snarled as the door shut.

He ran for the door and opened it.

"Make sure not to press the green button in the center console!" he yelled.

"Got it," she said with a wave, driving off.

He closed the door and heaved a sigh of relief. He turned his attention to the baby wrapped in the blanket and took a quick sip of his flask.

"So," he said with a belch. "You're my grandson."

Morty's cheeks wrinkled as he smiled and laughed, reaching for Rick.

"No, no, no. I'm not gonna pick you up," Rick said. "You, you you, you'll end up getting dropped or something."

Morty's lip twisted into a frown and began to quiver.

Rick crossed his arms and waited for the inevitable crying fit.

Morty opened his mouth and began wailing.

Rick immediately uncrossed his arms and said "alright, fine," grabbing the infant and rocking him begrudgingly.

Morty started cooing and trying to grab Rick's hair.

"Watch it," Rick said.

Morty giggled, and a terrible odor hit his the back of Rick's nostrils.

He squinted his eyes and brought his face real close to Morty's. "So that's how it's gonna b-BEUGH-be, huh?"

Jerry gritted his teeth and slammed on the brakes as he hit his first of many red lights.

The words Rick had said mulled over in his head.

"Lousy prick…" he grimaced as the light switched to green. "If he wasn't my father-in-law…"

The driver behind him honked his horn. Jerry submissively sped up and lowered his head, grumbling.

His phone rang. He picked it up. "Hello? Oh, hi Beth. No, I haven't picked up Summer yet. Traffic, yeah. Wait, work emergency? …I didn't know the governor had a horse…well why couldn't you get someone else to do it? Wait... who's with Morty? ... You left our son with your sociopathic father?!"

Jerry screeched to halt at another red light.

"What do you mean 'don't call him names like that'? That's not name calling... it's an educated guess if anything! ... Well no, I don't trust him, not after those awful things he said about our daughter... I know I'd still be home if I just let Summer take the bus! You know how I feel about those bus drivers… Well just because he's 'smart' doesn't mean I want him around our son. I mean Freud was 'smart', but ew, coke head much? Hello? Beth?"

He heard a dial tone. Jerry slowly put his phone away, and then the car behind him honked its horn.

"So I'm gonna level with you, Morty," Rick said, putting Morty on the kitchen table. "Your grampa… has shit himself a few times. Hell, more than a few times." He unwrapped Morty's diaper. "But I'm gonna have to lay down a few, some ground rules." He pulled the diaper out from under Morty's bottom by its corner and folded the entire thing into a bag, clipped between his two fingers tightly.

Morty smiled stupidly at his grandfather.

Rick held the bag high in the air with a look of disinterest on his face. "We don't poop on grampy. We just don't do it… it's, it's rude. It's a regular grehhh violation." He slid his free hand into his coat and pulled out a smooth and round silver gun. "You see this, Morty? I nyeeehinvented this, Morty. It's it's it's a ray GUH gun."

He flicked a switch on the side of it and it started to make a loud whirring sound.

"It's very dangerous, M-ORR-orty," he said, eyes narrowing.

He put his finger on the trigger and gently squeezed.

"I wish you'd just let me take the bus, dad," Summer said, arms crossed in the back seat.

"You know how I feel about those bus drivers," Jerry said.

"No, I don't, because you've never actually explained it," she said in a huff. "And quit driving like a maniac."

"I don't like talking about it. Also, I'm driving like a maniac because your mom left your baby brother with your insane grandfather," Jerry said.

Summer perked up. "Grampa Rick's at our house?" she asked.

"Not for long, he's not," Jerry said.

"Aw come on, let grampa stay," Summer complained.

"He's a bad influence, Summer," Jerry said.

"You're a bad influence," Summer rebutted.

Rick coughed and cleared the air with his hand.

"And also very useful for getting rid of ehhhhh human filth," he said, wiping the dust off of his face.

Morty laughed and reached toward the gun.

"Oh, heh, you liked that, huh?" Rick said with a smirk.

Morty looked delighted.

"Well uh BLEUGH here," Rick said, handing the ray gun to Morty. "I gotta figure out where your mom keeps the diapers."

Rick stumbled out of the kitchen and into the bathroom. "Oh and those baby wipe things, for the uhhh feces," he said. He trundled over to the table and made quick work of the mess, and then wrapped Morty's bottom in a clean diaper. He slapped his hands off of each other, put his hands on his hips and grinned.

Morty pointed the ray gun at Rick, and Rick lazily snatched it away.

"Watch it," Rick said, slamming the ray gun on the table.

Morty continued smiling stupidly.

Rick sat at the table with Morty for a while, resting his chin on his hand and keeping one eye open.

After many moments of silence, Rick opened his mouth. "Y'know, I was a baby once," he said.

"Alright Rick, I think it's time you go back to…" Jerry said, unlocking the front door.

"You ain't gotta tell me twice," Rick said, stepping out of the kitchen and handing the baby to Jerry.

"Grampa!" Summer said, tossing her book bag on the ground and hugging Rick around the knees.

"Oh, hey Su-UH-mmer," Rick belched, rustling her hair. "How was dumb old school?"

"Dumb," she replied, squeezing a little bit harder.

"Well," Jerry said, "I mean you don't have to leave this second."

"You really need to get better at making up your mind, Jerry," Rick said. "You're making yourself look like a real p-UHH-pushover."

Jerry's eyes dashed around the room, meeting those of his snickering daughter. He bounced his son up and down a bit to assure himself.

"Anyways," Rick continued, "I was planning on getting out of here anyways."

"Doesn't Beth have your car?" Jerry asked, trying to keep his son from squirming out of his arms.

"It's not just a car," Rick replied, taking one last triumphant sip of his flask and stepping past Jerry. "And you guys can have it." He wiped his mouth, opened the front door and stepped out. "Just, for the love god, don't press the green button on the ce-eugh-center console." He shut the door as he reached into his coat.

Jerry heard a familiar wet zapping sound and saw some green light dance across their front door's window. At that point he knew that Rick was gone.

"Grampa," Morty chuckled, reaching after the front door.

Jerry gritted his teeth, knowing he'd never forget his son's first word.