A/N: Here it is. The sequel to 'I'm Sorry.' I planned to continue it but didn't say so because I wasn't really sure if I should but here it is.
It's been a year since Karkats death but...I'm still not over it. After his funeral I just wasn't the same anymore. John wasn't either we barely made it through the last year of high-school. His death really got to us. We really weren't the same afterward and I'm not sure if we ever will be.
It got so bad when we first went back to school. People were spreading rumors about Karkat. They were saying that he cut out his stomach, or that I killed him since I was there. The rumors just got worse going as far as to say that his parents shot him or that before he died he got back at the kids that used to beat him up. The worst rumor though was when they said John and I raped him and then had him shoot himself. I didn't know where the idea came from but it really got to me. I would never do something to hurt Karkat in any way and neither would John. I snapped that had been the last straw. During class they were all whispering about it behind my back so I jumped out of my desk causing it and my chair to be knocked over.
I whirled around to face them glaring daggers. I swear I burned holes through my shades at the intensity of it because they all looked terrified but the one who held his ground. "Say it again" I growled through my clenched teeth. None of them uttered a word except him.
"You. Killed. Karkat." he said emphasizing each word as he smirked. He didn't even have a chance to react before my fists were slamming into his face. "I DIDN'T FUCKING KILL HIM YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT! I FUCKING LOVED HIM! HE WAS MY FUCKING FRIEND! GO TO FUCKING HELL YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH! I FUC-"The teacher tried pulling me off but I struggling. I kept punching him and punching him until I was finally pulled off of the kid who now had two black eyes and many bruises on his body. The teacher had dragged me off but that didn't mean I would stop yelling. "SEE WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS! NEXT TIME IT'LL BE WORSE! DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING TALK ABOUT HIM LIKE YOU KNEW HIM! DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HIM I DON'T WANT TO HEAR HIS NAME COME OUT OF YOUR FILTHY MOUTHS EVER! YOU'RE ALL TRASH! YOU ALL TREATED HIM LIKE SHIT SO DON'T ACT LIKE YOU FUCKING KNOW A THING! YOU'RE FUCKING PATHETIC! YOU CAN ALL GO ROT IN HELL! YOU DID THIS TO HIM YOU AND ONLY YOU! YOU FUCKING TORTURED HIM AND NOW LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! HE FUCKING KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE OF YOU ALL BECAUSE OF YOU! I WILL FUCKING MAKE YOU SUFFER! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! I LOST ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS AND THE GUY I LOVED ALL BECAUSE OF YOU YOU STUPID SON OF BITCH! DEAL WITH THAT! ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOU FUCKING KILLED SOMEONE! HIS BLOOD IS ON YOUR FUCKING HANDS! NOT MINE BUT YOURS! LIVE WITH THAT!" I was being dragged into the hallway probably to the principals office but I didn't care. He deserved what he got.
I was aware of the students staring at me as I continued my yelling all down the hall and straight into the principals office. I knew he probably couldn't hear me anymore but I didn't care I was too pissed and emotional to care what anyone thought. I just needed to get it all out.
I stopped yelling once we entered the office just because I didn't want to lose my voice. That's when John came running into the office a concerned expression on his face.
"Dave? Dave what happened?" he asked me inspecting me for any wounds. I knew I didn't have any but I just let him do what he wanted. He'd find out what happened once the principal came in.
Until then I was left to my thoughts. 'Karkat I'm sorry... I was supposed to be the one to keep us together. If he could see me now what would he think?' All these thoughts raced through my head I didn't know what had come over me. I had just snapped there was no other excuse. I couldn't believe it. I was supposed to be the stable one and now look at what happened.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry Karkat..." I said tears falling down my face. John looked straight at me a pained look crossing his features before he too broke down crying. He pulled me into a hug and we both sobbed into each others shoulders.
Someone cleared their throat and we both lifted our heads only to be met with the principals gaze. We both sat up straight quickly wiping away our tears.
"Dave Strider and John Egbert am I right?" he asked going business-like.
"Ya" I replied halfheartedly. He sat down behind his desk and began looking through a file. I guessed it was mine. Probably checking to see if I had ever caused any other trouble. I hadn't obviously so he was probably shocked. He closed the file setting it on his desk as he turned his attention back to me.
"I understand we've never had any problems with you in the past. From what I see no other schools have either. So now what I'd like is an explanation for your behavior. But before we get to that Mr. Egbert if I may ask what exactly brings you here?" John looked at him sighing.
"Dave's my best friend. I heard all the commotion in the hallway. I noticed it was him and so I followed him here to make sure he was alright." John finished talking and looked at the floor with a gloomy expression.
"I suppose that's fine but I would like it if you would please go back to class seeing as this has absolutely nothing to do with you." he stated matter of fact. It sort of pissed me off to hear him tell John it had nothing to do with him when Karkat was his friend too so I glared at him through my shades.
"No he stays." I stated. The principal sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"Fine. I don't want to argue with you but only this once. I've contacted your brother Dave he should be here shortly. Now what exactly happened?" I looked down and let out a shaky breath before speaking.
"It got to me" I finally sighed out. The principal just gave me a blank stare.
"What exactly got to you Dave? I don't follow" I don't know why but I snapped. Maybe it was because I was already upset or the fact that I was angry over everything but I snapped.
"You don't follow? You don't fucking follow!? That's the exact issue! The fact that no one 'follows'! No one fucking understands! No one cares! No one but John and I! Karkat...he was one of my best friends! They fucking took him away from me! They did this! It's their fault! It's their fault he's dead! They did this to him! I can't fucking take this anymore! They say that I...that I killed him...that I shot him..." I was vaguely aware of the tears falling down my face. Striders didn't cry especially not in front of others but at this point I couldn't care less. I had bottled my emotions up for too long and I couldn't do it anymore. "That's what got to me okay!? Because I fucking loved him! I-I loved him and I couldn't save him...I should've tried harder but I-I didn't. Now he's gone because no one noticed he was bullied...hurt by his father! He blamed himself for everything...and there was nothing I could do to protect him! He was everything now he's just...gone..." I shouted all this through my tears. I hadn't noticed when my brother entered the room nor did I care I just wanted to leave. I needed to get out of this place as soon as possible.
I jumped up out of my seat and ran out the door straight past my brother and into the hallway where all the students were crowded. Everyone was staring wide-eyed they probably heard me yelling at the principal...great.
My brother, and John caught up to me then. My brother grabbed my arm turning me to face him. "Dave" I flinched. I could tell he was upset with the way I acted just with that one word. I looked down not wanting to face him. I didn't even know how much of the conversation with the principal he heard.
I knew I was in trouble but I could deal with that later I just wanted to leave.
I went to speak but he beat me to it. "Dave you need to apologize to Mr. Zalindar and the kid you beat up." He states calmly. My head shoots up instantly. I can't believe what I'm hearing. I study him through my shades but I can't tell what he's thinking because of the ones covering his own eyes.
I stare him down though because I know he can read me well.
"I won't apologize" I can feel the students eyes on us and I wonder why they aren't in their classes. I hadn't thought about it before but there's no reason for them to be here at all. I turn around to face them. "What the fuck are you all staring at!? Don't you have something better to do? Why don't you go back to your fucking classes and do something useful for once in your pathetic lives!?" I growl at them. I can see they're all visibly taken aback by my words but they deserved it. I turn back to my bro and he's still staring at me.
"Dave do what I tell you" His tone is commanding but I won't back down not this time. They deserved what they got especially the kid.
"Bro I'm not going to apologize" I state firmly so he understands I mean business. He pinches the bridge of his nose sighing and I know I've won.
"Fine but when we get home your to go straight to your room and not come out till I tell you."
"Fine" I say walking away. On our way to leave I see the guy I beat up and smirk at him. He looks beyond terrified and I'm glad. As soon as were out the door I can hear everyone scatter to their classes.
Since that day I've been closed off. I won't even leave the house to go to school anymore. Bro has to get my work from the school and bring it to me. That's really the only contact had with him unless I was handing him back the finished homework or eating dinner with him which seldom happened.
I stick to my room blasting my music in my earphones. It's not even the stuff I used to listen to. It's the songs Karkat used to love, the sappy ones, the depressed ones, the ones that have no genre. I only listen to his music. I do it because I don't want to forget I don't want to lose what little is left. I need him to still be part of me to live on in my heart because if not I'll break. I'll be in pieces. I have some cracks in me but I'm holding on because I don't want to break but if any more cracks appear I'll shatter into a million pieces.
I'll lose myself and him along the way. I don't want that to happen so I avoid anything that might set me off. Anything that will take away part of him from me.
I might be losing my mind but I'd rather lose everything as long as I still have him.
As long as I can remember him I'll be okay.
It keeps flashing through my mind like a broken record. It plays over and over the same scene. Me running in just after the gunshot then him dying in my arms. It haunts me, my dreams, and my life. If I would've been there sooner I could've saved him. That's the thought that runs through my mind day in and day out. I sometimes wonder what would've happened if I hadn't watched him die in my arms. If I hadn't gone in to check on him that day. I wonder if things would be different or if they would stay the same. I wonder all these things but in truth I wouldn't have it any other way because even though that was the day he died it was also the day that he told me he loved me. The day our feelings came out.
I do wish I could've changed the outcome of his actions. I wish he would've been saved because I would give anything to see his smiling face right now to see him get angry and yell at me because I beat him for the millionth time in Mario Kart.
I would give anything to have the old days back but you see that's not how the world works and I hate that.
Day after day I shelter myself more and more sometimes forgetting to eat sometimes just not wanting to or just not being hungry.
Those days my brother tries to make me eat but I don't not because I don't want to but because I can't. I've lost my appetite since then and I don't think I'll get it back.
I don't really talk to John much anymore either and I know it's wrong because he's hurting too. I should be there for him but I'm not.
I'm supposed to be the one keeping us together. The one that makes everything okay but I'm not. I'm tearing us all apart. John's keeping me sane.
Even if I don't reply to his messages I see them and he tells me about school about everything that's been happening.
He says that he started therapy and it's helped him. He wants me to do it too but I can't-won't. I'm glad to know that he's doing better than I am and that he has kept himself together...without me.
Knowing that makes me feel like I failed Karkat because I was the one that was supposed to keep sane and help John but instead he's trying to help me. It's just one of the other ways I've failed them both...failed him and myself.
I know that at some point I'm going to have to leave my room. At some point I'm going to have to face facts and move on.
I'm going to have to live my life and get it through my head that Karkat is gone and that there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. I'll have to figure out that even if he didn't do it that day it would've happened eventually one way or another.
One day I'm going to realize that this isn't just some horrible nightmare and that this is really my life. That Karkat needs me to move on.
Unfortunately today isn't the day and I'm not ready to face the world.