Two years ago I wrote this story. For the reviews lounge. Now I found it again, I can't help but love it. :)

This is from the perspective of Rodolphus Lestrange and his mourning of Bellatrix's death.

And I really love reviews :) *hints*

I hate this day. I hate it because it is the first time I will spend it alone. Even in Azkaban I had never been alone. My whole life I have never been alone. I never had to worry. I had my little brother, I had my friends and I had her. I didn't go insane in Azkaban for her. I knew she would never forgive me if the dementors broke me. When I told her this, she smiled and said it was true. I asked her why she never went mad.

She just smiled and kissed me again.

She charmed me from the very first moment I laid eyes on her. When strode up from the nervous first years not even remotely afraid. She sat on the stool and the hat barely touched her head when it yelled SLYTHERIN! She sat down a little away from me. She made friends quickly. But they were all slightly afraid of the glint in her eye that flashed. Or the smile she took when talking about something dangerous.

But to me her smile was intoxicating

She kissed me for the first time when she was in her third year and I was in my sixth. She would twist and play with me. With her seductive and poison lips she would draw me in then cast me out. I knew her tricks I knew her games. But the way she played them, you were at her mercy the whole time. But then one day in Hogsmede, we stayed way past the time limit. I took her into the snow and I showed her the moon on Christmas Eve.

Her darkness was mine in those few precious seconds of her lips.

After that I was hers. She knew it as well as I did. My soul belonged to her and her only. I thought about her every minute. She played with my mind. She teased me. She made me fall more and more in love with her. If a veela had stood next to her, I would only see her and her rose coloured lips. He smile haunted my dreams. I was going crazy every moment I wasn't with her.

I was only whole when she was around.

Leaving Hogwarts was hard. I needed her more than she needed me. But just to be able to hold her hand was like a gift. I felt weak. Weak because I knew I loved her. I never let myself tell her this though. She loved the dark lord. And I should love him more than I loved her. But my soul was hers.

She didn't know it… But so was my heart.

Every time I saw her I realized just how much I missed her. But finally we were together again. We served at the dark lord's side, as his most faithful. Bella rose above me. She became more than I did. But I was never jealous. I was only jealous that she loved him more than she loved me. Only he was worthy or her love. But I wanted so hard to have what was rightfully his.

It kills me that they died fighting together when it should have been us.

When I saw her in the courtroom declare that the dark lord was returning and she would gladly go to Azkaban for him. I fell more in love with her than ever before. She was so daring and bloody hell she had guts. She alone out of the 4 of us got up and told the courtroom the truth. I was so lucky to know her. I was lucky she had my last name. I always knew she was proud to go down for what she believed.

And I was proud to go down with her.

Although I could not look at her in Azkaban, we spoke to each other. It was hard when we were weak but if we fought hard enough we could find our voices. She was in the cell next to mine. We were not allowed to speak with one another. This only made her want to speak more. When she was free the first thing she did was blow up the wall that kept us apart. She wasn't graceful like all the others were. Just vanishing the bars. She smashed the wall into tiny pieces and it was a beautiful honour to be able to hold her and kiss her again.

Not too long after I knew how the wall felt.

Before the battle when we knew what was coming in the final days, we felt invincible, there was no doubt about it, we were going to win. How could we fail? Yet when we kissed it was with more passion, as if we were trying to sum up our lives in the days we had left together. I wanted to tell her then, that I loved her and that there was no one else for me, that there never had been. But the words wouldn't come out.

If only I knew then what I know now

There are no words that could describe the feeling I had when I saw the light leave her beautiful eyes. I could not bare the look of helplessness as she fell backwards. She was dead. My beautiful girl crumbled and crashed to the floor. I wanted to go to her, to see if she was okay and to kill every inch of the bitch who murdered her. But I felt hands holding me back. I was screaming. I needed to get to my girl. But my brother held me tightly. I forgot about magic, I even forgot that I was crying, I forgot about everything, but her. She was dead. Nothing mattered anymore.

And my world disappeared in the blink of an eye.

And now I am in a tiny muggle house hiding from the Aurors. I know what day today is. The lights and the trees all down the street are reminder enough. This is what they call Christmas. But such luxuries do not belong to me anymore. I don't know what happened to my friends or my brother. I only know what happened to her. Nothing else is important, nothing else ever was.

And when they buried her, they buried me too.

I have been reduced to living like filth just to stay out of Azkaban. I no longer even live in the wizarding world. I hide from my life. I don't really live, I just exist. I lost everything that night. I loved her so much. And now I hate this day, because everyone is filled with joy and love. I hate it because the only time I ever remember those feelings at all was with my arms around my wild beauty. I hate this day for everyone sharing with those they love. I hate it because I can't share it with her.

Now she is gone forever and I'll never get to tell her

That all I want for Christmas is love from Bella.