The End of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King--Aleesha's Way
Done for Sara Gibson on Request!
Annoyingly Chipper Reporter for Channel 19 News: Hi and welcome to Lord of the Rings: Return of the King: The Appendices! This is the story that takes you, the diligent fans and adamant readers, behind the scenes of the Return of the King, showing you real life footage of just what the characters are up to after their long and trying journey to save Middle Earth! We are here in the LOVELY Grey "Palm Beach" Havens, where only moments ago three of the most renowned elves of all Middle Earth departed for the Dying Lands. But compared to what I have just spotted, that's OLD news! The first on our LONG list of characters, we spot Gandalf Grayheme, or Gandalf the White, as he is now known. This wizard has been through it all. Here's a recap of just how much action the old man—ahem—wizard has seen over the course of the last 13 months…
--Clips to scene of Fellowship of the Ring: First, the meeting in the Shire, second, the confrontation with Saruman, third, the rejoining of the hobbits in Rivendell and the council, fourth, the trek up Mt. Caradhras, fifth, the journey into Moria, sixth, the fighting of the Cave Troll, and finally, the battle with the Balrog of Morgoth.—
Annoyingly Chipper Reporter again: But just when you thought all hope was lost for this gray-bearded fellow, the Two Towers reinstated him as a sparkly new character, with a greater level of power and a whole new attitude…
--Clips to scene of the Two Towers: first, the dream of Frodo, then the meeting in the woods, third, the freeing of King Theoden, and fourth, the gathering of the Rohirrim and the slaughter of the Orcs at Helms Deep.—
Reporter: Boy, it seems like the action never stops! In the Return of the King, this Old Dog showed us just what he was made of!
--Clips to scene from Return of the King: first, the ride of him and Pippin, then the commanding of the Gondorians, then the halting of Denethor's fiery tirade, and lastly, the crowning of the King. –
Reporter: And now, we secretly spy on one of Middle Earth's greatest legends… What IS this Old Wizard up to?
--Picture of Gandalf, dressed in long, Hawaiian-print yellow and green shorts, an open button down blue and orange Hawaiian-print shirt, carrying a Mai Tai in one hand and a Metal Detector in the other with his staff strapped to his back banjo style.—
Reporter, whispering: It appears our Heroic Wizard is looking for spare change! Let me see if we can catch him for a brief interview! Excuse me! Gandalf! Mr. Wizard-Sir! Can I have a moment?
--Gandalf, who is completely plastered, turns in the chipper reporter's direction, fumbles with his drink and his footing, and manages a slack-jawed watery grin in her general direction.—
Gandalf: Yeah—suuuuuuuure! Whaaad-elze eff I got da doo today? Whad ya need, suger puss?
Reporter: Well, uhm, Mr. Grayheme, sir, I'd like to ask you a few questions, if that's all right.
Gandalf: Suuuuure…. Ashk ahway…
Reporter: Are you glad the quest for the One Ring is over?
Gandalf: Are You Kiddin!? Izz only juss starded! I juzz got dis theeng four days ago… Ben lookin' fer dat dang rin' ever since. Ah waled up n' down dis here bech all de way… an ah foun ever thin' but! Ah even foun' Galadriel's missing earin… (whispers) she loss dat inna firs age!…. No Sin o' dat rin' doe…
--By this time, he's downed half his Mai Tai and is looking hard trying desperately to find his feet. He's propped up on his Metal Detector and is drawing lazy circles in the sand with his flip-flop covered foot.—
Reporter-Stunned: Uh… Am I to understand you rightly? Did you say you were looking for the One Ring? That it was not destroyed?
Gandalf: DES'ROYED?! Who'da dun somfin o'dat nature?
Reporter—Dumbfounded that Gandalf does not know the story behind the Lord of the Rings Trilogy: Well, uhm… I don't know, but it was nice… uh… talking with you.
--Gandalf nods and finishes his drink.—
Reporter, back in the bushes: Well that was most unexpected, wouldn't you say? Gandalf the White's reputation is not so…. White as it would seem… I wonder what caused our favorite Wizard to go… Wacky? —Never mind that, next on our list of characters, is Legolas Greenleaf; this buff elf never knew when to stop! Let's take a look at what Leggy did to contribute to this major motion picture!
--Clips to scene in Fellowship of the Ring: the joining of the Fellowship, the fighting of the Cave Troll in Moria, the receiving of the bow in Lothlorien, the fighting of the orcs upon the battlement, the witness of Boromir's death.—
Reporter: But this cutie's key moments had only just begun, in the Two Towers, our Immortal Hero Saved the day!
--Clips to the Two Towers: the running across the field, the meeting of Gandalf in Fangorn Forest, the meeting of King Theoden, the battle of Helms deep, the sliding down the staircase on the shield in the rain, the very end where he sees Gandalf and the Rohirrim.—
Reporter: --And just when the ladies thought they could take no more! His appearance in Return of the King blew us ALL away!
--Clips to Return of the King: riding through Fangorn Forest, talking to Aragorn on the balcony overlooking Rohan, going with Aragorn and Gimli through the Paths of the Dead, fighting in the battle of the Pelennor Fields, bringing down the Olyphant, and at the end, where we see him crowned.—
Reporter: WHEW! He makes every girl's blood boil, doesn't he? But wait! Here comes everyone's favorite Elf now! … Let's see how Legolas is taking things post-journey…
--Clip reveals Legolas dressed in nothing but a bright orange Speedo® and a pair of Ray bans®. His hair tied back in some sort of intricate Elvin braid, he struts his stuff along the beach towards the camera.—
Reporter: GULP M-Mister Legolas Sir! M-M-Might I h-have a w-w-word with you?
Legolas, obviously thinking this is a waste of his time: exasperated sigh Like, I guess so… I so have a job to do here, ya' know! Like, totally what do you want?
--He stands with one hand on his hip, the other fingering the tail end of his braid, he smacks his gum the way a dog with peanut butter on the roof of his mouth would…--
Reporter: Uh… Sorry to be interrupting you, but uhm… The public was wondering what you are doing now that the Journey of the One Ring is finished?
Legolas, now twisting his gum around his finger in a not-so-flattering manner: Well, like, I moved out of my dad's house, which so needed to happen about 700 years ago, but ANY way, I got this sweet little condo on the beach and am a self-employed part-time life guard.
Reporter: Self-employed, that must be a big step for you, and hard, I imagine to live by the sea, shouldn't you want to cross the way your ancestors have so long before you?
Legolas: MAN! The Dying Lands are sooo last millennium! I'm a rebel man… yeah. Hittin up the chicks here on the beach, savin' there lives in' Shit… s'gettin hot in herr… so take off all yer clothes!! (Backs himself up, clearly off beat and out of tune) Ah am gettin' so hot, ah wanna take mah clothes off! You should come down to my pad, yeah, we could have a lot of fun, ya dig?
Reporter clearly flustered by Legolas' unexpected advances: Aah… Perhaps I should be leaving, thank you for sharing your time with me!
--Reporter flees for her life…Back in the bushes… --
Something has gone horribly wrong; it seems, in the land of Middle Earth since the War of the Ring has concluded… I can only imagine just whom else we are going to meet… still, I will stay strong, and who is next on the list? Ah yes… Friend Gimli… Son of Gloin… He can't be ALL-bad… he's all beard! Let's take a look at just what that beard got him into in the Fellowship of the Ring!
--Clips of the Fellowship of the Ring: the Council of Elrond he stands and says "And my axe!", then to Mines of Moria where he cries over Balin's Tomb. Then to Lothlorien where he meets Lady Galadriel and she gives him her gift.—
Reporter: Wow-ee Gimli sure knows how to make a splash on-screen! However, our sure-footed furry one hasn't even thought about giving up! Take a look at his role in the Two Towers!
--Clips to the Two Towers: Rohan where he is running after Legolas and Aragorn. Then when they meet the Rohirrim. Then to when he and Aragorn and Legolas find the pile or Orc carcasses. Then on to Fangorn Forrest where he meets Gandalf again. Then to him and Legolas fighting at the end of the Two Towers, about killing the most Uruk-hai.
Reporter: The fun never ends! This is what our Deft Dwarf accomplishes in Return of the King!
--Clips to Return of the King: it begins with him on the paths of the dead, and then there is a series of battle scenes where he's killing more Orcs and competing with Legolas. Then finally when he meets up with Frodo at the end of it all.—
Reporter: Well, wasn't that fascinating!? This cantankerous dwarf can never get enough! If he's not wooing Elvin queens, he's off killing the bad guy!! And let's not forget his friendship with that rather—air-headed hunk, Legolas! I think I've spotted our favorite bearded bumbler now perhaps I might be able to coax a chat out of him!
Reporter jogs across the beach, stopping curtly when she sees that Gimli is completely buried up to his neck in sand.
Reporter: Uh—Pardon me Mr. Gloin, uhm, I was wondering if I might have a few words with you?
Gimli, obviously irate at being buried while working on his tan. "Little missy, can't you see that I'm in a predicament right now?!? He shouts in a thick Texas Accent.
Reporter: "I'm terribly sorry if I have disturbed you, Mr. Gloin, I was just hoping you might be able to relate to your fans what you're doing post-Lord of the Rings…"
Gimli, Spitting sand from his mouth, only causing it to get clotted in his beard: "Well, ya see here, Suga, I was jus' workin' on mah tan when it appears I fell ahsleep. That confounded Elf done gone an' covered me up to mah neck area… an' now I cain't move a muscle!"
Reporter, a bit frightened by such an unexpected accent: "Well, Mr. Gloin, I will see if I might persuade some of my reporting staff and crew to help you out, if you would like, sir."
Gimli: "Nah, ma'am! I can do it all by mah self! Jus' gimmie a minute here!"
Reporter runs for her life as Gimli tries unsuccessfully to remove himself from his earthen bed. All that is heard over the reporter's labored breathing and the sounds of wind and cloth brushing the microphone is a very loud very obnoxious string of curses in English and in languages unknown by many mortal men.
Reporter: "Well, ladies and gentlemen, it seems some strange things have taken place in Post-battle Middle Earth. Most of them are unexpected, and a great majority not entirely welcome. Perhaps there is one person left on this land who might be able to explain it all… I shall never give up hope!!"
Reporter runs to nearby rock cluster to scout out the four hobbits who have been sighted in the area.