Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis, I don't claim to, and I'm not making any money from this.
Author's note: Okay, this is not my best story, but it was the best I could do with nobody to look over it, no idea what I was doing, and only an hour and half to write it. But I thought it might get a laugh, so...
"Just where should I put this?"
Major John Shepperd looked up from the floor. He had no idea how he got there, since the last thing he remembered was going through the gate.
"Sir, where do you want this?"
John was rewarded for his efforts by the sight of... Lt. Ford? With a box? Holding something for him to sign? What was going on here?
John scribbled his name on the pad and took the box.
"Hey, dad, who was that?" Rodney McKaybounced into the room. "Is that for me?"
"Uh..." was all John could manage. He stared at the label. Rodney took the box from him impatiently and checked it.
"Sam got the Naquadria for me! I knew she could do it!" Rodney babbled excitedly and ranfrom the room with the box.
"Who was that?" Carson Beckett asked curiously after coming into the room as Rodney speeded past him.
"Delivery man," John explained.
"Oh. Mom called, she said she'd be late, and that dinner's in the crock pot, and don't forget to take it out on time," Carson said all in a rush.
Wait. Mom? Dad? Did Rodney call him 'dad'?
"Thanks," John answered.
"Oh, and Perna's coming today, could you tell me when she's here?" Carson asked.
Perna? Wasn't she dead? "Sure."
"Thanks, dad, I'll be in my room," Carson said before running up into his room.
John explored the house, finding the kitchen easily. He almost lost his lunch after finding a dissected frog on the table.
"Oh, yeah, dad, I couldn't find a better place to leave my project, but I'll move it soon!" Carson called from upstairs. John muttered a something and continued his exploration of the kitchen.
"CARSON! YOU LEFT YOUR DISGUSTING MODEL ON MY BED AGAIN!"
"YEAH? WELL, YOU NEARLY ELECTROCUTED ME PLAYING WITH THAT STUPID NAQUADUCT GENERATOR OF YOURS!"
"FOR THE LAST TIME, IT'S NAQUADAH!"
"DAAAAAAD!"
John winced inwardly. This was almost enough to make him vow never to have kids.
"What?" he asked, going up the stairs to where the two scientists' room was. He had no idea what 'he' had been thinking, making them share a room like that.
Carson and Rodney barreled towards them.
"He left his model on my bed-"
"He created a power surge that almost electrocuted me-"
"He keeps poking me-"
"You burned yourself! I wanted to check how serious it is!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Hold it!" John called, giving the two a glare that stopped them mid-squabble. "Now, why don't you tell me what the problem is" he held up his hands when the two started to talk at once. "One at a time. Carson first."
Carson stopped to give Rodney a smug look before announcing, "Rodney started fiddling with his Naquadah Generator and created a power surge just when I was turning on the light that could have killed me."
"Well, Carson left his stupid human anatomy model on my bed again, and he kept flashing a light in my eyes and poking me."
"He burned himself when he created the power surge, I was just trying to figure out how bad the burn was, and the light was just my watch catching the sunlight."
"Rodney, be careful with your generator, and Carson, let your... brother... take care of his own burns," John ordered the two. "And don't-" he was interrupted by the sound of the Stargate engaging.
"Oh! That could be Perna!" Carson said, running down the stairs.
"All he can think of is that stupid girlfriend of his," Rodney said disapprovingly. "Dad, I think dinner's ready."
"Right," John said, making his way towards the kitchen. By now, he had passed the point of just seriously doubting his sanity to being ready to check himself into the nearest funny farm. Yep, the ol' writing on the wall was pointing the way to shrinks and padded cells.
"Dad! Rodney! Mom and Aunt Lizzie are here!" Carson called up from downstairs.
"All RIGHT!" Rodney yelled, running down, and sometimes skipping entirely, the stairs.
"Hey! How are my favorite nephews?" came Dr. Weir's voice.
"We're your only nephews," Carson informed her.
John walked down the stairs to be greeted by the sight of Teyla and Dr. Weir in business suits. Teyla came over and gave him a kiss. "Did you remember to take the stew out of the crock pot in time, honey?" she asked.
"Uh... yeah," John lied.
"Good," Teyla said, smiling. "I'm starved; let's eat."
John went upstairs again, still puzzling over the strange turn of events, not noticing where he was going.
"Dad! Look out!" Rodney and Carson yelled together just as he felt himself slip on something and fall down.
"Major Sheppard!"
John woke up again to see Teyla hovering over him. "Wha-?"
"You've been out for a couple hours, Major," Dr. Beckett said, stepping into view. He wasn't calling him dad; that was a good sign.
"The Wraith were waiting for us on the other side of the gate," Teyla explained. "You were caught in one of the blasts while we retreated back through the stargate."
"Oh," Major Shepperd said.
"How do you feel?" Dr. Beckett asked.
"Okay. I had the strangest dream, though. You were there, and Teyla was there-"
"And there's no place like home?" Carson asked, smiling.
"You got that right!"