Sheldon Swifties XL: "The Fermentation Application…"
Summary: Like my Immortal Beloved bits in my Buffyverse stories, these are fragments and short bits, some longer…Just to fiddle with ideas, possibly forming longer tales later.
Disclaimer: All is Chuck's…
"You understand…Our Valentine's Day was admittedly magical…" Amy notes…
"Yeah, I can see where being put on someone's emergency call list would do it…" Penny nods…Catching herself in mid-eyeroll…
Actually…Thinking about it…
Ohmigod, it is sweet…
Oh my God…Leonard hasn't done that…Grim look…
"Bestie?...Some attention here…If you're mulling over Leonard's failure to equal Sheldon's spirit of romance as that typical facial expression of yours suggests, it'll have to wait…I called dibs for emotional problem solving…"
"Fine…"
I better be on that call sheet by tomorrow am…That's all I can say…
"So?..."
"Yes…Despite his incredible display of romantic charm last week, I find myself a bit distraught over the slow pacing of our romantic bonding…"
"Still haven't nabbed him in the sack, eh?...Ah, Amy…I've warned you Sheldon will be an uphill battle…Very uphill…"
"Is that a sexual strategy I should be familiar with?...'Uphill' meaning?..."
"Uh, no…No, not…Exactly…I just mean…"
Impatient hand wave… "Please I need help not embarrassed midWestern dodging about the issue…If I wanted that I could get it in spades from our Catholic-guilt girl…I need the benefit of your sexual experience…Penny, how would you go about seducing Sheldon?... "
Uh…Stare…
Oh, God…Not that image…No…
"Now, Amy…I hope you know there's never been…And believe you me, never could have been…"
"Back to the dodging I see…Actually a bit worrisome in this context since your nervousness clearly indicates the thought of seducing Sheldon has occurred to you…"
"Amy?!...No!...Never!...C'mon…Sheldon and me?..."
Cool stare…
"No…Amy?..."
Cooler stare…
"Ah…Shit…Ok, maybe once when I was hurt and he was so sweet to me and sang me 'Soft…'"
"Passing the station of more than I wanted to know, bestie…And please remember that with my neurobiological skills I could kill you where you sit in less than thirty seconds…" icy stare…
"Amy…I never, never would…"
"A wise choice…But given you have thought about it…"
(Note to self: Put Penny down for inclusion as paid volunteer in our laser-based memory removal experimental protocol…)
"He'd never…Amy, really…He never…Ever…"
"Of course not…You're still breathing, right?..." faint smile…Arch look… "Now, getting on with getting it on with my honey?..."
"Well…I can only toss out a few suggestions…"
Hand up for pause…Amy pulling out notebook and pen…Poising…
"Go…"
"Well, you gotta consider Sheldon specifically…His likes and dislikes are a little unusual…"
Frown, pen down…
"Well, that's pretty lame…Penny, surely you've noted I've adapted with every fiber of my being to all his likes and dislikes…I try to tolerate his sci-fi nonsense…Though, actually it was rather fun wearing that Star Trek doctor's outfit… I've learned all I can about trains…I've managed to repress my instinctive enthusiasm for Neurobiology as queen of the Sciences over Physics…I make him Strawberry Quik and keep my fridge stocked with Yoohoo…Though I must admit, that's no hardship, who wouldn't?…"
"Well, that could be your problem, Amy…You could be tryin' too hard…"
"Ehhhht…Again, lame…Penny, not 'tryin' as you put it too hard was my initial strategy…Of course I considered Sheldon might back off if I expressed my immediate passion for him from the start of our relationship…"
"Amy?...You loved Sheldon right away?...Oh…"
"Of course…Why else wouldn't I have run like hell from him…I could see he completes me from the moment I looked into his eyes and reviewed the responses to the questions I'd posted on that dating site…"
"Uh…Amy?...You do know Raj and Howard?..."
"Certainly…And who knew him better?...And were determined to take on the challenge of finding him an actual compatible mate…It only makes me feel more sure knowing they answered for him…"
Hmmn…
Point I suppose…I know Leonard would've lied like…
"So, do you have anything?...Lets try the more obvious since on subtle approaches your technique clearly sucks big time…Which would explain a lot of your failed pairings…"
Yeah…Actually…
"But lets consider your one partial success…Leonard?...I won't bother asking how you got him…That's obvious…And on the surface, clearly diametrically opposed to what my strategy should be with Sheldon…"
"Ummn…Well…Ummn…Amy, what's that supposed to…?"
"However…" careful musing… "Leonard is Sheldon's best friend, apart of course from my special pedestal as 'The Girlfriend'…Perhaps I've been too hasty in assuming he wouldn't be susceptible to your more obvious charms…Penny, can you dress me like a slut for an experimental run?...Any of your usual outfits will do…"
"Amy?!..."
"Bestie, I'm running out of options here…My recalculation of my five year plan for marriage and the start of child-bearing…"
Penny blinking at the terrifying image in her mind…
Of course Raj and Howard do have a sacred pact to kill any offspring for the good of Humanity but…
"…Is now looking like a twenty-five year plan, sans childbearing…And much as J'adore ma chere…I've adopted the strategy of 17th century diarist Samuel Pepys of coding his most amorous feelings in French, as you hear…"
"Nice…"
"Yes…But much as j'adore…I can't wait twenty-five years, and if he achives Singularity before then and uploads to a computer, maybe forever…Plus I want a child or three or four…"
"You do?...Amy?..."
"Of course…These loving arms were made for maternity…As well as embracing my honey…" solemn look… "As long as they're Sheldon's children, of course…"
"Oh…Amy…" tearing up…"You know, I think you'll make a terrific mom…"
"Of course…Plus since I understand genetics and have noted its statistically inevitable outcome in Leonard I would be prepared for my childrens' failure to quite function at my and Sheldon's level and love them dearly in any case…Even if, God help us…They sank to the level of choosing the Humanities for a career…"
"Nice…I guess…"
"Please, Penny…You must have something that might get Sheldon to express his feelings for me…I know he has them…I'm sure he'd like to..."
"'Express'?" grin…
"Make passionate love to me was what I was going to say, but fine…"
"Well…I might have one idea…Amy…"
"Yes?..."
"It's just…I would only suggest it as a sort of icebreaker…To get things moving, you know?...And it sure has gotten things moving for me at times…Including with Leonard…"
"Good, good…Well?..." pen poised…
"Well…You know how Raj responds to alcohol…"
"Our delightfully mute brown friend turns into Mr. Hyde, yes…"
"Well, yeah…But it does help him speak to girls…And in small doses…"
"Ah…Right the inhibition-lowering effect of fermented sugar by-product…"
"And you know…From personal experience…"
"And you think it would work…On Sheldon?..."
"He tried to beat up Wil Wheaton for you when drunk…And yeah, I kinda…"
Cut to shot of Sheldon singing and playing piano in the Cheesecake Factory…
"Point taken…" Amy nods… "Yes, I could see it…And did since I saw the YouTube video of Sheldon's speech at the University when he was plastered at that awards ceremony…So you believe a shot glass to be a one track path to a wild night of passionate coitus for us…?"
"Well…Not too much…He did tell Leonard he loved him after a sip of tequila…"
"And I wouldn't want to kill too many brain cells, for our childrens' financial future's sake…Though he could probably make more money doodling with Wolowitz in Engineering…" nod…
"It's only a suggestion…And only to help…Smooth things along…Amy, I'm sure once…Or twice…Or maybe five or six times…He's been with you, he won't need any…'help'…To get in the mood…"
"Certainly…Though if I should have to slip him a mickey and do him unconscious for our whole life together I suppose I could live with that…" thoughtful nod…
Yeah, I can see where that might be…Oh, but then I miss the "King of Foreplay"…Penny thought, a bit wistfully…
Well, I clearly don't need a little "help"…
"Gotta go…I have a date with Leonard…" she rose…
"I thought he was out at the comic book store with the fellas?..."
"Surprise date…Best kind…There's wine in my fridge and some rum in my cabinet if you wanna give 'Operation Booze'm Up and Wham Him' a try…I recommend offering him a virgin Cuban Libre minus the virgin…Bye…"
,