"Dean. No! No way! What are you even thinking?!" Sam looked incredulously at his brother.
"Sam please? I need this. I want this. Please?" Dean looked desperate, a single tear threatening to escape from his eyelid.
"That's not what this was supposed to be for. That wouldn't be safe, or healthy in any way. You can forget it right now!"
"No. Sammy it's not about that. I promise. I just need... you. I need this." Dean's words were mumbled miserably, as if he was already accepting defeat in the argument. He sighed heavily and got into his Baby. They were still sitting just outside Albany, New York. He was already feeling exhausted after having to take down that psycho, vampire, Sammy hunting, Gordon. He just needed Sam to understand. He tested the engine to make sure the rattle he and Sam had fixed a few hours earlier had definitely gone for good. It was only after teaching Sam a few things about tuning up Baby did Dean contemplate what he had done. He saved his brother, that part was true but he sold his soul. That was the price. The sight of Sammy, his snot nosed brat of a little brother, slumped in the mud with a gaping hole in his back was etched into his brain and no matter how much he drank, no matter how many times he passed out, that sight would still haunt his dreams. Dean would never admit to the small part of him that also went crazy with grief at seeing his Dom, his strong, demanding, caring, beautiful Dom, also slumped in the mud. He would do it again, exactly the same way, if he had to. It felt like it wasn't a choice he was making. It was almost like it was fate, like it was destiny that sent him to summon the Demon to sell his soul. The consequences, the guilt, the fear of the unknown, of what he has signed up for, those thoughts were racing around his head and he just wanted it to stop. Dean wanted to forget about what he had done to his brother. He wanted to be looked after, he wanted to be fucked, he wanted to be taken apart to atoms by his Dom. Dean knew what Sam was thinking, Sam thought he wanted punished. It wasn't about that, of course not, Dean agreed it would be wrong and unsafe it that was the case. How could he get Sam to see it his way?
How could Dean even suggest this!? Sam thought. Dean was basically asking to be punished for selling his soul. He thought Dean understood the whole Sub/Dom thing a lot better now, Lord knows they'd had enough practise over the last year. It was unsafe, a no go area. No matter how much it hurt to know that in a matter of months his brother will leave him. His Sub will leave him. There will be no more weeks lost in an orgasm filled haze. No more earth shattering sex. More heartbreakingly, there will be no more sing-a-longs in the impala, no more working together on cases, no more terrible jokes that only his brother ever finds funny, no more fights, over which the best superhero is, no more hustling pool together. The prospect of life without Dean wasn't something that could be comprehended. Sam got into the car and sat wordlessly as Dean drove. There was one of Dean's tapes playing quietly in the background, both boys too caught up in their own thoughts to offer any form of conversation. They drove down a seemingly nameless highway to a nameless destination.
After a couple hours, Dean had gotten as far as planning step one in trying to get Sam to his point of view. After that point he figured he'd wing it, at this point he literally had nothing left to lose. With a quick pull of the wheel he pulled the car over to the verge, also jolting Sam awake. "It's not about punishment!" Dean all but shouted as he flung his door open and marched around the bonnet of the car. If Dean wasn't desperately trying to rack his brain to come up with the right thing to say, he would have found the sight of Sam's head sliding off the hand it was propped up with and smacking against the window of the car hilarious.
"What the-..." Sam stumbled out of the car and tried to find what it was that had Dean pulling into the side of the road. What were they supposed to killing! The words slowly got processed by his brain, Sam closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose to try and focus his brain. He had literally just hacked Gordon's head off with razor wire just a few hours ago. He wanted to find a bed, and some food. He was emotionally drained thinking about his brother and what lay ahead of him. He wished he could just run away for a few weeks, maybe a month, regroup. Although this was exactly what Dean was suggesting, he couldn't even think about agreeing with what his brother was asking for. Before he could brace himself to go through another argument, he felt familiar, full lips brush against his. Those lips quickly became more persistent, but still gentle, coaxing Sam's lips apart. Those lips were so soft, so warm, they opened a floodgate of feelings and aches and needs. It had been a while since either of them had been active in the bedroom, Dean wasn't as long, his last was back just before the whole seven deadly sins things back in Nebraska. Sam shoved those thoughts of sex as far down as he could but the soft caress of Dean's fingers around his arms was very distracting. When he opened his eyes and pulled away he saw emerald eyes, glinting in the darkness, staring at him, assessing his reaction.
"It's not about punishment. Your right. That would be wrong." Dean reached for Sam and held him steady by the biceps and leaned up to kiss his again, this time with purpose. Sam started to respond to him and take control of the kiss. Dean relaxed and allowed his brother to search and plunder his mouth. The warm wet kisses were already turning him on and he could tell he was having a similar effect on Sam. After a few blissful minutes Sam pulled away, Dean could already sense he had won Sam over. He was never good at talking about his feelings but he knew, with a few well placed kisses he could let Sam know what he needed. He wondered if all Sub/Dom partners had this secret language or weather this was unique to their brother/Sub/Dom combination.
"Dean, I'm not sure. You're not in the best place right now..." Sam could feel his resolve wavering, the kiss had all but melted the barriers he constructed. It was also the kiss Dean used in their more intimate moments, gentle and soft. Sam couldn't link it to the Dean who thrives off of humiliation and punishment. "I mean, how would it even work if there was no, bondage, no punishment. That's basically just being a couple of guys having sex. I don't know how to not be a Dom with you." Sam heard himself sound helpless. He didn't know if he could be what Dean was asking for. He didn't know if he could control his Kinks around Dean. The whole point of their relationship was that neither of them had to hold back. He could try making it work for Dean but he wasn't hopeful. The whole thought made him feel like he wasn't enough, like he couldn't offer Dean everything he wanted.
"I still want everything we do. Everything. I just wanna forget. I don't wanna think. I want someone else to take over. Please Sammy, make me forget!?" He emphasised his point with another kiss. This time with more urgency, he wanted nothing more than Sam to be in complete control, to submit to his Dom so fully. Everything was such a mess and he wanted to just check out for a while, for him and his brother to disappear for a couple weeks, away from the Demons and the monsters. "I don't want punished for what I did. I promise. I want punished for speaking back, for screwing with you. I want things to back to how they were before. Just say yes! Please! I need you. I need you to take care of me. You know what's best for me. Please. I miss you Sammy. You're perfect for me."
With that desperate pleading speech Sam's will to resist Dean had all but been demolished. Dean had batted away all of his fears, all of his insecurities and doubts. He had no reason to deny his brother any longer "Ok! Look. We can try. I want you too. I miss us. If things go sideways, even just an inch, or if I think it's not good for you I will stop. Whether you want to or not." Sam ached to comfort his brother, to look after him. He could see what Dean was getting at. It might be ok after all. Sam reached and clasped Dean's face between his hands and gave him a long meaningful kiss. He felt his brother relaxing and becoming pliant in his hands. Sam's cock gave a twitch of interest. Sam pulled away, and said suggestively, "where's the nearest Cabin?"
"There's the one we stayed in that second time, past Rutland? Should only be another hour..." Dean looked up at his brother hopefully. He wasn't one hundred convinced he hadn't been driving north east by accident.
"Dean what am I going to do with you! Alright. Couples retreat in Vermont. But first, I need food!" He had fond memories of that second foray into BDSM. They found a company with Cabins all over America specifically designed for their needs. Equipped with basements, unnecessary support beams in the middle of rooms, and odd little brackets subtly placed in the bedrooms and bathrooms that could be used as anchor points. It was perfect, all very discreet and very little chance of them being disturbed. The boys wordlessly climbed back into the Impala. They stopped at the next Gas-n-Sip and grabbed a couple of sandwiches and drinks, as well as a few days worth of food for the cabin. The next hour was spent just as silent as the previous two hours, except this time the silence was more in anticipation with what was about to happen.