Read MK Farmer's "Teach me." Hell, read all of her stories. Trust me - you wont be disappointed. She is, after all, my inspiration for this story, and the other yaoi one before, among probably more to come. Praise her. She deserves it.
Made while listening to P. Diddy's "Bad Boy For Life" this time. w00t. he r0xx0rz jo0r s0xx0rz. erm. yeah.
Tidus' POV. R+R.
___________________________
- D o w n p o u r > -
~Li
"Nothing ventured, nothing gained,
Feel no sorrow, feel no pain...
...Kiss me while I'm still alive,
Kill me while I kiss the sky,
Let me die on my own terms,
Let me live and let me learn.."
-Three Doors Down
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It was pretty out. Stars, like sparkles of glitter,
dotted the inky sky. It was never like that at home - in Zanarkand. At
least the Zanarkand I knew. The Zanarkand I knew was always lit,
even at night, so there weren't any stars that you could see, unless you
were miles off from the city's limit. And I had never been anything farther
then but a few yards.
But not this Zanakand. This Zanakand was new, unfamiliar - and filled me with an overwhelming sadness. It made a giant hole in my heart begin to take form that could never be filled in. When I entered the scene for the first time, I knew any disbliefs, any doubts I had of what the Fayth child had said had evaporated. Just - poof.
Everyone was quiet. All awaiting what they knew was
coming. And although they could put off the inevitable, it would come eventually,
though it pained them to think so.
There had to be a cure! There just had to. I kept
telling myself that, the entire journey, from the time I learned of Yuna's
true intention, to the point where I reached Zanarkand. All the time I
had convinced myself that my efforts were not to be in vain - there was
a cure, just within my sight... I just had to look for it.
But as I gazed upon the desolate ruins; the ruins of my supposed home, I began to give up hope. I guess it was slowly draining from me the entire journey, slowing eating away at me as I tried to keep optimistic. But, when we finally reached the point that marked the end of Yuna's journey, all hope just sort of evaporated.
We made our way toward the entrance of the once beautiful city. But each step I took, the more I went deeper into my despair. I looked next to me, and saw that Rikku, too, seemed to have given up. Her head was tilted forward, bowed, hand pressed against her forehead, as if deep in thought.
There was an uncomfortable silence that hung in the air, accompanied by the smell of death. Many had passed beyond to the next realm here - many had attempted to defeat Sin, and, ultimately, failed. I couldn't have seen, after coming so far, us falling when we were so close to accomplishing our goal...
...A goal, I was, particularly not to keen on finishing off.
I was trailing behind the others at the time, lost in my mixed up feelings for my summoner, and thinking desperately of things that might save her. But all lead to the same answer - the answer being simply, that there was no escaping it. She had to embrace her fate - and I had did all I could. I had tried convincing her to take leave of her pilgrimage - I was, obviously, very willing to allow her absence. But she didn't want to. And I couldn't force her otherwise. It was, after all, her decision. As much as I loathed so.
I felt lightheaded from all the journeying, and my feet ached. I ignored this, however, digging my own ditch inside my mind where I thought of so many things. There were so many mixed emotions, so many decisions that wouldn't come - I kept thinking it would come to me, but it never did.
I felt your hand behind me, nudging me forward slightly. It wasn't a gentle movement, but it wasn't extremely rough, either. Kinda tender, but in a hurry. I cocked my head back at you, sadly, momentarily pulled from my thinking. You did nothing in response but avoided my gaze, walking forward with your default look on your face, marching like a soldier going to war. And, I guess, it was exactly like that. Somehow, however, you appeared more grave then usual.
But how could it not be expected?
We reached the flat of the hill, that curved around and down to a pathway into the forgotten city. Yuna came to a halt and looked to Zanarkand, just within our line of view, amazing even in its shabby state. She watched it for a moment, and turned back at you, watching. Waiting for a command. Our leader.
"We rest," Spoken softly, yet I was certain everyone could hear it. The others nodded, and Wakka had immediately thrown off his pack, rummaging through it for a flint and some sticks to light a fire for the eve. The fire would not only provide warmth from the harsh weather that would greet us with frozen lips at night, but also ward off any monsters that would try to have us as a snack as we slept.
But no one would sleep that night. Or at least I wouldn't, I knew.
We all settled around it once the fire had been started - burning and crackling like its own sun in the center of the circle we formed. It was strangely quiet as Lulu presented us with some biscuits she had brought - where she had picked them up, I don't think I'll ever know. Each of us took our fair share - but we hardly ate. I, on my own, didn't eat anything. I feared, then, that if I ate anything it would be regurgitated within minutes of consuming.
Yuna had the look of someone who was having serious homesick problems - she kept turning, looking behind her at the ruins of Zanarkand and stifling the sigh that I knew she wanted to let go of. Lulu was beside her, staring at the biscuit in her hand before tossing it aside, almost angrily as she pushed the fallen strands of raven black hair from her alabaster skin.
And there was Wakka, twirling his blitzball on his fingertips. But he was such a wreck that he could hardly do even that without his hands trembling and the ball tumbling into his lap. Several times he attempted to spin it on his index finger again, but each time was in vain - and finally he gave up and heaved a heavy sigh.
Rikku was next to Wakka, surprising as it might have
been. I guess, when it came down to life and death situations, that you
guys got past the whole Al Bhed Vs. Yevon (although it shouldn't have been
too big of a shock, with the whole deal with Yevon being corrupted, anyways.)
thing the two had going on.
And then there was...you. You were across from me,
if I recall correctly, as we ate, and you seemed even more distant then
the others. You weren't looking at anything, really - in fact, you looked
devoid of a soul, at that moment, or lacking something, at least.
You just looked so... blank.
I don't remember exactly when it started, but it did. I had gotten up, and was walking... steering myself away from the others, away from the campfire, and toward the very top of the hill before it dipped down into the steep pathway that led into the heart of the city. I stood upon it, looking back briefly at the other's faces, your face that was slower to rise and watch me with undeniably curious eyes, looking at where our weapons had been discarded in a heap just some odd feet off.
"Listen to my story," I said, opening my arms as I turned away from the site of the city I once called my home in another realm, another realm of dreams - turning to face you and the others. I needed to tell... everything. Everything needed to come out in the open here, except the most carefully guarded emotions and secrets I dare not breath even to Yuna. But there were some things that definitely needed to be said. "It..." My voice faltered momentarily, and I saw the expectant gazes of everyone, watching me intently, with their full attention. I cleared my throat, and tried again: "...May be our last chance."
And I sauntered back, breaking out into the story of my journey - from the very beginning that fateful evening at the Blitzball tournament... There were some things I didn't dare utter, like the kiss Yuna and I shared, nor the whole Fayth child incident, but I nearly spoke everything. Everything my heart told me to do so.
Not all of it was sad, of course. In fact, if anything, I tried to reflect on the more cheerful of our journey - talking about funny little stories and embarrassing moments we all shared as a group. As I drew on, I still held tightly to their attention, your attention, but one by one, it seemed, a head would droop, signaling that I was loosing everyone's interest, and they were all reflecting on more unhappy thoughts. Your's was the last to drop, save Yuna, who finally summoned up an ounce of courage to tell me that perhaps it'd be best to stop.
"Please," it wasn't a pleading sort of thing, but it was a different tone of voice from any other I had heard. She placed a hand tenderly, almost lovingly on my shoulder. A sort of motherly way. "Save it, will you?" She gave a little gesture with her arms to show the fallen and grim expressions on everyone's faces - although no one was watching except me. And maybe you were too, behind your dark shades, but if you were, those glasses guarded your gaze well.
My mouth parted, and made a little 'o' shape, leaving me feeling like a third class heel. I shifted uneasily from my standing position, feeling as though I were a heavily disliked politician stepping up to tell the public that I were raising taxes to an insanely high rate.
"I think we should all save our energy," Yuna suggested quietly, and there was a murmur of agreement, although how everyone could sleep at a time like this was beyond me. I just nodded as well in agreement, numbly, watching everyone else as they slowly retreated into a resting position, the warmth of the fire so near to my skin uncomfortable.
"Come rest beside me," Yuna said, patted the dirt covered ground beside her. I gave a little shrug, not really in the mood for sleeping, but obeyed, falling down beside her.
I stared up at the sky for a long time as everyone seemed to ease up, breathing slowly turning into a rhymathic sort of beat, like music. A sign that everyone was slowly (although lucky at all, in my opinion) drifting off into slumber. Everyone except me. Even Yuna, who obviously had to be more on edge then any of us, had dozed off, and was sleeping peacefully beside me. How could she remain so calm, especially when it was her life that was at stake, here?
Sometime during the night, my eyes fluttered close, and I felt as though I, too, were slowly drifting from consciousness. Of course, I welcomed it with open arms - welcoming anything, at that point, to make me forget the problems that lurked in every shadow - even if it was just for a small period of time.
But there was something that startled me back into the land of the living, the land where there was nothing but harsh, cruel reality, and not dreamland. For a moment, I was panic stricken, blind, until I realized (with the sudden urge to slap myself for my stupidity) that my eyes were closed.
My eyes flew open, but I kept still, listening closely. A soft crunching sound, like feet against the dirt that littered the ground all about us. As I strained to hear, paralyzed in thoughts racing through my head - a monster? I glanced around, slightly on edge, only to notice that everyone else was asleep. I had been the only one to hear it...?
There was the sound again, just beyond where my head was rested, now. I looked around as best as I could without jerking my head too much - after all, moving my head too suddenly might attract the monster's attention, and that would be bad. Very bad, indeed. I returned my attention to the others, and took note grimly that the fire had been extinguished by mother nature sometime during the night.
It sounded once more, and this time I couldn't help but move, in fear for my friend's safety. I went to my elbows, only to find the flaring of a coat, flaming red, staring back at me, slowly going away, as you walked away from the campsite.
I glanced back once more, back at the others, a bit skeptical. But there was your spot, as it should have been expected - abandoned neatly, with no trace that you had ever rested there. So, you were just as awake as I? I hoisted myself up to my knees before I could fully maintain my balance enough to attempt to get to my feet. When I did so successfully, I watched you from my position by the others.
You were looking at Zanarkand, which was nothing but dark shadows by the moon sky. Like a phantom, nonexistence. And you looked like something surreal yourself, like something out of a storybook - a fallen knight, surveying the land he were soon to conquer.
I finally managed to step forward, but although when, I don't remember. It was just that suddenly I found myself walking up from behind, and suddenly I was past even that, and beside you. You acknowledged my presence by a little grunt, although you weren't startled, which wasn't surprising. You never were.
"Restless, huh?" I tried.
You didn't answer, just kept your attention on the ruins of a once great city before us. Contemplating our next move, perhaps? Deciding the best and easiest route to lead Yuna to her fate?
There were so many questions bubbling inside of me, so many things I had in mind. And yet, with everything that was wanting so desperately to burst from my lips, did not escape. They would not form, and I couldn't understand why. As I stood there, silently, awaiting something on your part, I gave up out of impatience. So many questions... Might as well start from the basics. "Why didn't you tell me?"
It was a simple question - painfully so, even. I could see the clouded emotions in your face. For a moment, I had you disarmed. But you had returned to control almost immediately, and any confusion you had subsided. There was a period of silence that floated uncomfortably between us, and I was angry to think that perhaps you were going to make it seem as though you didn't understand the question itself.
What was there to understand? You knew what I was talking about. Why hadn't you told me about what would come at the end of the line of Yuna's pilgrimage? Why didn't you tell me she was to defeat Sin for a period of time with her death?
"It wasn't my place to tell you." Simple, like the
question itself. "She chose her path, and I cannot object."
My temper flared and went off like a bomb. All those
weeks of this whole mercenary shit - you acted as though you were a robot.
So did the others, but at least they allowed at least a little emotion
to shine through. But you - you! You didn't even allow that - the
only thing that came from you was battle mode, that little chuckle that
came at the wrong times, and default.
"What the hell does that mean, Auron?" Explosion on my behalf, and you didn't even budge. You expected it, all along. How was it that you could read me so well, yet I had trouble with figuring out you so much? It didn't make sense. "Don't you have an opinion? Or how about feelings? Gods, Auron, you are human! A human with wants and urges and needs! Why don't you express them? What's up with this whole secrecy crap anyways?"
For the first time, I had seen the surprise that had etched itself across your features. Unguarded. But you regained control, for the second time, choosing your words wisely before you answered. "True, I am human," Quietly spoken. "But don't you understand? Emotions interfere with the task at hand, and there are things that must be done--"
"Damnit!" I swore. And I swore again. I wonder if you feared if I'd burst a blood vessel with all that foul language. I know I sure felt like I were. I was so angry. "Fuck that, Auron. I don't think its you, who gets it. There's a human life at stake here - no wait, more then just one!" I threw my hands backwards, at the slumbering others (although how they slept through my steadily rising voice, I never understood...) for empathesis. Your gaze followed my gesticulations, before turning back and watching me, appearing to be sizing me up. "When did you stop living? When did you stop acting human?"
Silence. I had learned to hate it. Especially on your behalf. I was so enraged at that point, so fed up, that it was a wonder that I didn't get it over with and strangle you. My hands were aching to do so. But of course, I could not. You would be more dangerous naked then I would have been armed. And besides...
"You do have emotions. Although carefully guarded," I mused, aloud. You were watching still, riveted to the spot as I continued. So, I had your attention, did I? For one, I was not the one listening with full attention span, but rather, vice versa. It felt nice to take the stage - felt nice to get everything out into the open.
Pause. I sucked in a deep gulp of bitter, winter
cold air. There was a boom of thunder nearby, though it lacked proper lightning.
Then, dangerously low, so even though if someone were really awake and
eavesdropping, they couldn't have heard it, even if they had wanted. "And
don't think I haven't noticed."
You knew what I was talking about, of course. How
could you not? And there was that silence again, always hanging, but you
seemed on the verge of reply this time. Your mouth opened, but you changed
your mind, and it closed again. I guess, at the time, you were still registering
the fact that I knew. But it would have been dense of me to have
not seen the so obvious signs that lingered before my face, like haunting
images of the past.
I don't remember who kissed who first, but suddenly, our lips met, hesitantly but touching, at last. Somewhere, fireworks were going off - somewhere, a celebration was going on, and lively music was playing. Somewhere...
You released first, breath coming out in slight gasps,
in a state I usually was when beating down a particularly tough monster.
My hand caught your's, fingers intertwining, and you looked down, in wonder.
So, did your dreams come true, Auron? Was every fantasy you had hidden
on the verge and so dangerous close of coming true?
My arm locked around your broad shoulders, pulling
myself insanely close, closer then I could have ever dreamt to be. Being
in such personal space not even Yuna and I had shared - it was the next
thing to... to...
My hot greedy lips met your's once more, and I was in heaven. Your chocolate brown eyes fluttered close as my tongue slid its way into your mouth, probing yours eagerly. In your silence were the emotions that were dying to come out, and I welcomed such.
There another dull roar of thunder, and a single
drop of rain came, and splattered across the bridge of my nose, like a
tear from the heavens' itself. It was then that there was a forceful sort
of push on your part, breaking the lip lock. Why did you release? You knew
it was anything more then you could have hoped. And now, it was all laid
out before you. Hell, I was pratically presenting myself on a silver platter
for you. But yet, still... you wouldn't have me?
"Why?" It was so innocent on my part, and I could
see the dark shadows on your face, the confusion of emotions, all mixed
and jumbled, laid out without its usual guard. It was a state I had never
seen you in - you almost looked like a child, standing there, those eyes
telling more then words ever could. "You know you want to."
"I do-- " For a moment, I wondered if I had the wrong impression, all along. But there was no denying that apologetic look in your eyes. You wanted to. Badly. And I couldn't be convinced otherwise. But something was holding you back, making you resist it...
"I... I can't." You had stuffed the urges away, once again regaining that default expression that annoyed me so greatly. So, you couldn't, huh? It didn't make sense, but I dare not question it. My own emotions were out in the open - and thats all I could have ever hoped for. Thinking I would actually succeed in my efforts was a childish way of thinking, and selfish.
"I understand." Oh, how I wished I had! But I didn't. But it was a good enough lie. My response, or emotions, for that matter, apparently didn't matter anyways, so I didn't even know why I bothered to answer in the first place. You nodded, and looked to me.
I turned on my heel. Dawn was coming soon, I'd best to have gone back to bed, and fall into a short slumber that could hopelessly dull the heartache that had currently been weighing so heavily in my heart.
"Tidus..." It was the first time I ever recall you speaking my name, and it gave me chills. I acted as though I hadn't heard it, and continued my way back to my resting spot beside Yuna. I felt your eyes upon my the entire way.
But I ignored it.
A/N: shall i remind you how much this sucks more then the first? oh
well. bah.