If You Don't

by Astralaria

‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t, and you can’t make your heart feel somethin’ that it won’t...’ Will’s been coming to that realisation for a long time. Now all he has to do is find the courage to do what’s right by both Syd

TITLE: If You Don't
WRITTEN BY: Drea Jackman
EMAIL: DreaJackman@hotmail.com
WEBSITE: Blue Genes - http://DreaJackman.cjb.net/
RATING: R (situation involves sex, nothing overly graphic)
SUMMARY: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't, and you can't make your heart feel somethin' that it won't...' Will's been coming to that realisation for a long time. Now all he has to do is find the courage to do what's right by both Syd and himself.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Alias or any of it's characters. I'm merely using them to fuel my apparent angst-addiction and then I'll return them to the shelf good as new...but I might keep Will a little longer ;). The song is 'I Can't Make You Love Me' as sung by Darren Hayes, lyrics in italics.
ARCHIVE: If I've said yes before I'll say it again, otherwise email me & ask permission.
FEEDBACK: Don't make me beg, please? ...D'OH!

A/N: I've never written for Alias before...ever! I've not seen every episode either...no, no stop! Don't go for the back' button yet! Gimme a chance! I'm a big Will fan, and yeah, I know most will hate that but this fic isn't just some Syd/Will shippy fluff. I heard the song I Can't Make You Love Me' sung by the amazing Darren Hayes the other day and just couldn't help but apply it to the Will/Syd relationship. Feedback would be SO appreciated cause this is my first time :). Many thanks!

If You Don't

Turn down the lights

Turn down the bed

Turn down these voices

Inside my head

When Will heard the low creek of his bedroom door, he knew immediately what was...or rather, who it was. As with many times before, he didn't react at first, simply lay there in the dark. The first time she'd come to him, he had been certain it was all just a dream, a wonderful one, but still a figment of his imagination, a flight of fancy that'd never come true. He'd been wrong. Now he knew their ritual better than he did his own dreams.

"Syd?" His voice reached out in the darkness like a lifeline.

"Yeah," the voice returned in a soft whisper.

Will rolled over and sat up, quickly slipping out from beneath the covers and crossing the floor to stand before her at the doorway. Sleep was already far from his eyes and they shone in the darkness, Sydney could see them clearly as she became accustomed to the darkness. The dark outline of Will's tall figure stood before her in a crumpled T-shirt and boxers, framed by the blue haze of light streaming his bedroom window.

Sydney didn't wait for him to approach her any further and Will's arms opened in welcoming when she crossed the distance between them. His arms came to settle at the small of her back as hers came to rest on his chest, face buried in his neck. She stayed there for brief moments, inhaling his distinctly male scent before she placed a small kiss on his neck and drew back.

Will's eyes darkened and once again he didn't ask what was going on or why. He loved Sydney, he really did and God help him, he admitted he was too weak to deny her what she clearly needed. She came to him for love, a trusted comfort that no one else in her life could fulfil the way he could. He knew it wasn't a normal profession of love on her part or a way of returning the feelings that flowed strong in his veins. His mind screamed at him every time she came to him like this, wanted him to do the right thing and not take advantage. Another part felt an overwhelming guilt at the fact that he couldn't stop it. Will was in love and it made him weak.

He dipped his head toward hers slowly and placed a chaste kiss on her lips. Before he could lean back any farther, her lips were on his again. The slight pressure beneath her hands splayed across his chest steadily increased until he gave in and let her push him back toward the bed. Slowly, with every step, an article of clothing was lost until there were no more material barriers standing between them.

Lay down with me

And tell me no more lies

Just hold me close

And don't patronise

Don't patronise me

Returning to her arms meant warmth, a tenderness he'd craved shortly after meeting her and realising he had wanted much more. When it became apparent it was something she'd never feel for him, he'd accepted it...partially. Will took Sydney in his arms and gently lowered her down onto the mattress that was still warm from his slumber only a few moments before. He wasn't in a position to lead for very long as she quickly took over her familiar exploration of him.

Sydney was the other half of him, a kindred spirit he'd found in his life. Being her best friend was both a blessing and a curse the nature of which could prove almost fatal. It meant being close to her in ways most other people never got to. And yet, it also meant that he was on the outside looking in. He could reach out and touch her life, be a part of it completely, but never the way he secretly longed to. To be so close to something you could never have was soul-destroying, and yet it was a sentence he condemned himself to everyday of his own free will.

There were things she kept from everyone, even him. At first that knowledge had killed him. Then he'd found out what she'd been hiding from him and why and suddenly it had all fallen into place. How could he ever be angry at her for it when he couldn't even begin to imagine how she must have felt having to lie to the people she loved? Now there were no lies standing between them at all. She knew how he felt about her, and for all intents and purposes she'd returned his profession, physically, never verbally. He wished he had the courage to ask her to stop hiding from him and just tell him the truth.

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

And you can't make your heart feel

Something that it won't

Cause here in the dark

In these final hours

I will lay down my heart

And I'll feel the power

Oh, but you won't

Oh no, no you won't

And I can't make you love me

If you don't

Even if it terrified Will to his very core and made him feel physically sick, he'd realised that what they had wasn't love. Sydney needed him, but not in a good way or a way he could continue to live with. It was an emotional attachment that sought comfort and protection, not his love. She needed him, but she didn't love him. Hell, lying there with her in his arms, sharing the joining they were sharing so intimately, he didn't even know if she really wanted him.

Refusing her the comfort she sought wasn't something he could've done once. Now, after all they'd been through and all he'd found out about her life, he wanted to be a part of it. For real, not just as a best friend or someone she came to in the dark to find warmth in the cold. Everytime he shared this act of love with her, he felt like he was betraying her. The act meant everything to him, but without her to return his feelings, it was empty and meaningless, a betrayal of his love. This wasn't how love should be, not for her...not for him.

I close my eyes

And then I won't see

The love you do not feel

When you're holding me

With a soft sigh against his lips, Sydney slid around to lie at his side. Will kept his eyes closed to avoid seeing the lack of what he knew should have emanated so brightly from her eyes as she had watched him beneath her. Instead he drew breath in short gasps and tried to focus on the heat between them. If he could just become lost in the feeling of her the way he once had, he wouldn't feel so cold now.

Sydney lay at his right side, facing away from him, eyes already drifting closed to find peace in slumber for the remaining hours of the night. Will moved to her, his body spooned to hers as his left arm slipped around her and held her close. He rested his head on the pillow just above where her head lay and breathed in the scent of her hair as if trying to commit it all to memory so he'd never forget.

Morning will come

And I'll do what's right

Just keep me til then

And give our feelings time

And I will give up this fight

Despite strong feelings telling him not to, Will's mind was already made up. He knew what he had to do. This couldn't continue. It was wrong, betraying his feelings for her and destroying the part of his soul that clung to hers with an unearthly grip. For a long time he'd avoided even thinking about it, then it had slowly crept into his mind, eating away at him. The guilt, the hurt, the feeling of being completely unable to change it.

All he could do was hold her close and pray that when the light of day poured into the room, he'd find the courage to do the right thing. The only thing he physically asked her was that she keep him there, in a warm place where he could try and pretend it wasn't so, until morning. He'd lie there, after having spent the night making love with the woman he loved, and wake up the next morning to a life where she returned his love vibrantly.

Although it was nice to dream, he knew it would never be, not now. After all they'd shared, this could break their friendship completely. There was no road back after this. He'd lose both a lover and a friend in one fatal blow, and he'd be the one to swing it. If he had thought his heart was breaking before, it was surely shattered beyond a state of repair now.

Shrugging it off, Will snuggled a little closer to Sydney and tried to ignore the burning in his eyes and the painful aching in his chest.

And I can't make you love me if you don't

And you can't make your heart feel

Something that it won't

Cause here in the dark

In these final hours

I will lay down my heart

And I'll feel the power

Oh, but you won't

Oh, no, no, no you won't

And I can't make you love me

If you don't

Dreaming aside, Will knew what he had to do. As he lay there awake, staring at the dull blue pouring in through the far window and settling on the floor across from them, he waited for morning to come.

Cause it's no good for me baby

Without the love

All these years, all these years

Everything I believed in

And I can't make you love me

...if you don't