Brief Commentary:
Although I wrote one myself a long time ago, I'm SICK and TIRED of seeing all these fics where it's a GIRL getting sucked into the FMA world. So I'm improvising - it's a GUY this time...with his GIRLFRIEND. -dramatic music plays- And it's not what you think, either. I'm pretty sure. So here it is, the fic I'll be doing on and off.

Side Note: I wonder...why do so many authors write disclaimers? I mean, who's going around accusing people of being the actual writers of a series? Besides, authors don't really have time to do pointless things like fanfiction for their own characters (I love fanfic, don't get me wrong).

Three Fourths Dumber
Prologue

"Maaatt! Alice wants thiiiis, too! It's sooo expensive! Buy it for Alice and Alice will let you drive the car hoooome!"
Matthew Wright, at the age of eighteen, could barely suppress dark gray eyes from rolling at the sing-song voice of his girlfriend, who, as he turned to look, was staring in fascination at another item in the back of a stall.

They were attending their town's yearly carnival, wandering from place to place with little to no idea where they were going. The surroundings were filled with blindingly vibrant colors, and the noise was a loud banter of children screaming, people laughing, advertisers yelling, and other people talking at an unnecessarily high volume level. In order for the two to hear each other, they were forced to talk loudly as well.

Alice Burghes, said girlfriend, was as old as he and fairly attractive, with a tooth for nearly everything even remotely expensive (sweets, jewelry, cars, clothes, cosmetics, etc.). Fortunately, his well-paying part time job as a physician kept him out of debt, and he remained with her because he felt that she could very well get herself killed from her attitude if he left her alone for long. True, there were some feelings, but they weren't especially powerful. A breeze slightly ruffled his short-sleeved white shirt, contrasting with tanned skin and muscles. Alice had demanded he work out and "look more muscley - I don't want a wimpy guy for a boyfriend!" He had obliged - if only to keep her from inferring that he was 'wimpy.'

A sigh.
"What is it this time?"
"Alice wants this ring, see? It's so preeeetty! Please buy it for Alice!" she squealed, her mousy brown hair bouncing around her shoulders as she jumped lightly up and down. She pointed a manicured nail down at the aforementioned jewelry, the remainder of her fingers curled around the sleeve of the much-too-long red sweater she wore - a contrast to the rather short pair of shorts hugging about her hips. Her flip flops slapped at the ground with every bounce.
The elderly woman running the stall looked mildly amused, gazing with her eyes half-lidded at Alice as she drummed her fingers on the small table.
Matthew glanced down at it, prepared for the worst possible price for the glittering red stone, set into a silver ring. A good few hundred...

He sighed again, running a hand through his black hair in exasperation. The other automatically slid down the the pocket in his jeans and felt around for his wallet, pulling it out when his fingers brushed the slightly coarse fabric.
"It's soooo beat up, Maaaatt!" Alice had once complained, holding the wallet gingerly between her thumb and index fingers, as if she were disgusted with it. "We should get you a reeeeeally nice and expensive oooone!"
"I'm fine with this," he had told her flatly.

Eying the woman, Matthew inquired,
"Do you accept Visa?"
She gave him a pitying look.
"Sure. I'll give you a fifty-percent discount," here she lowered her voice to mutter. "Looks like you'll need it."
The woman glanced pointedly at Alice, whose attention had been directed to a passing men selling cotton candy. No doubt that would be next on her list. Matthew smiled and shook his head.
"Thanks."

Pulling his Visa card, he handed it to her, who then swiped it through a cash register he had not noticed before. She completed the total and handed him the credit card back, pushing the ring towards him and smiling pleasantly in return.
"You two have a nice day," she called after them as he was dragged away by Alice to confront the man selling cotton candy, turning for only a moment to acknowledge the ring he had just bought.
"If you buy Alice some cotton candy," she chirped, "then Alice really will let you drive the car home!"
Matthew and the cotton candy man both twitched.
"So what you said earlier was a lie?"
"Eh? Alice doesn't know what you're talking about. Now buy Alice some cotton candy, pleeeease!"
He sighed again. "Fine. How much?"
"A buck."

Later that evening...

"Alice is driving the car home!"
Matthew opened his mouth to argue, but quickly decided against it as she turned to look meaningfully at him. Instead he allowed himself a non-committal snort and opened the passenger door, leaning over to dump the many items he had also bought that day into the back seat. For safe-keeping he had put the ring in his pocket, and he fished it out now, holding it up for Alice, who was already seated in the driver's seat.
"Here, the ring I bought earlier for you."
"Ohhh, isn't it pretty?" She snatched it from him and slid it on her left middle finger, pausing to admire it for a brief second before she inserted the car keys and started the engine. Quickly closing the door behind him, Matthew hardly had time to buckle his seat belt before she pulled out of the make-shift parking lot (it had been a football field - it was used now for this purpose when the carnival was held).

Already used to the lack of thanks, he allowed himself to settle in his seat, propping his sneaker-clad feet up on the dash board with his hands behind his head. Alice wrinkled her nose.
"Ewwww, Maaaatt! That's soooo gross!"
He grinned and shrugged, closing his eyes. To his relief, she didn't complain any further and the ride home was one spent in silence, not counting the differing songs Alice kept singing under her breath.

"I am a superstar, with a big big house and a big big car, I am a superstar and I don't care who you are!" she repeated this line and continued on. "Got many money honey, I'm a superstar! My life is funny honey; have you seen my car? I know a lot of people, I'm a superstar! Everybody know me from near to far!"
To his relief, Alice began with another song.
"I like where we are, when we drive, in your car. I like where we are; here. 'Cause our lips, can touch. 'Cause our cheeks, can brush. Our lips can touch, here. Where you are the one, the one, that lies close to me! Whispers, "Hello, I miss you quite terribly!" I fell in love, in love, with you suddenly! Now there's no place else, I could be, but, here in your arms!"
Matthew interrupted her,
"Alice, it's 'And our cheeks can touch.'"
"Whaaaaaat? No, Maaaatt! It's always been 'Cause our cheeks can touch,' silly!" she pouted at him.
"Alice, eyes on the road," he reminded her.
"Be quieeeet, I know that," Alice pursed her lips, but complied. It wasn't long before she began to sing again,
"I want a diamond, I really do. I think that you should give me one. Then you can prove your love is true, and that the gift giving has just begun. I want that diamond, I want that thing. A tennis bracelet, a ring. It better shine, it better cut, I know it is expensive but..."
What a fitting song for Alice, Matthew thought dryly to himself, tuning out her humming as he gazed blankly out the window, not really seeing the scenery pass as they drove by.

By the time they had arrived at his house (a homely, moderate house, at that - Alice considered it much too small), it was fairly dark outside, Alice proposing that they have several beers before bed. It sounded fine to him.
"But Alice wants the first can, okaaaaay?"
"Okay."
After the car had been pulled into the garage, Matthew hopped out to snatch a six-pack on his way in. Alice bounded in through the door behind him.
"First can! First can! First can!" she began a mantra as he opened a Budlight and handed it to her. She took in a long sip and let out a satisfied "Ahhh," as she tore her mouth away from the can for oxygen, which, to her chagrin, was necessary for life. Popping open a second can, he did the same.

Within a few hours, the six pack was gone and empty beer cans littered the floor. Slightly absentminded thanks to the alcohol influence, Matthew picked them up and placed the by the sink, half-intending to get to them later.
"Can Alice sleep with yooou? Alice doesn't feel like sleeping aloooone," his girlfriend whined.
"Sure, sure," he nodded, leading her into his room. He allowed her to slip under the bed sheets first, him following and wrapping his arms around her waist and burying his nose into her hair, inhaling the sweet smell of the conditioner she had used in the shower that morning. What was it this time...pear blossom? He forgot.

The pair soon drifted off into a black, dreamless sleep, huddled into one another for warmth in the air-conditioned house.

There was no one there to notice the sudden glint in the ring around Alice's middle finger, and the quiet sound of an alchemical crackle before all was still and silent again.

Don't drink alcohol, kids. D: It makes you woozy...I think. I dislike beer - it tastes something awful. And don't by suspicious red rings from friendly old women at carnivals, either.
Songs:
Toybox - "Superstar"
Hellogoodbye - "Here (In Your Arms)"
Rasputina - "Diamond Mind"