Also, my friend, Fei (no, not Wufei) has been pestering my to write something for ages...so...
Anyway, please review! Like any other author, we live on them!
-vkay
Number 66
by vkay
They say that I have no emotions.
I didn't.
They say that I am too cold towards others.
I was.
They say that I have a heart of stone.
I did.
They say that I am the Perfect Soldier.
Heh, maybe...
They say that nothing could break me.
They were wrong.
Yes, I was the unfeeling soldier throughout the bloody war that tormented the
whole world
and the colonies just one year ago. But this hard, stone exterior is breaking
off me, bit
by bit. And just now, the emotions in me are twisting, tumbling and doing backflips,
blaring
to my brain to somehow process it. Anticipation, excitement, nervousness...and
the strongest
of all: fear.
I did not understand why my emotions brought me here. I mean, after the war,
the five of us
separated, and I made sure that I cut off all connections. I did not want to
be found,
especially by him. And if one of the others managed to grab hold of me, that
would mean some
association with him, and I did not want that. I could not have that.
I remember at first how I was so frightened of the attachment that I felt towards
him.
Pairing up with him in those missions didn't help at all either. All my attempts
of trying
to ignore him failed, and he continued with his incessant blabbering. Even my
threats lost
its purpose. I was losing control. And I could not accept that.
Which is why the end of the war meant the complete my release from him. I can
forget my
feelings. I can forget my constant wish to be with him. I can regain my mask
of indifference.
Or so I thought.
My every thought seemed to link to him. As I continued with my daily routines,
I can't
forget his face, his voice, his smell, his beautiful hair. The silence at home
provoked me
to imagine his voice, continuing his mindless chatter. At work I would picture
his form,
gliding around the room with restlessness. At night, between the realm of sleep
and wake,
he would gently tickle me with the tip of his braid until I either fall asleep
or wake up
with a jerk, his image, an illusion, vanishing at my sudden consciousness. His
being plagued
my dreams, taunting me, forcing me to remember him each night as an eternal
being...like a
God...the God of Death.
It seems that even when his presence was nowhere near me, I am still affected
by him. I
didn't even need to be near him to feel myself shattering, and feelings seeping
through the
cracks to control my actions. And I guess I had grown to becoming familiar with
it, even
though that was against my wishes. I have found myself doing things that was
totally unlike
me during the war. My effort to forget him only resulted in cherishing him more.
Finally, a
whole year since I had last saw him, my emotions decided to do something about
it. And I
followed them. I followed my emotions just as how I always tell others to do.
And this lead
to this stupid situation that is in front of me right at this moment.
I'm scared of the door. Or rather, I'm scared of what's behind it. This is
the last barrier
before I'm faced with the object of my...torment. It's funny really...I didn't
want them to
find me, but here I am, looking for him out of my own free will.
My emotions were rippling through me in uneven tides as I try to gather myself.
I glared at
the door as if it caused all the problems in my life. The gold numbers 66 only
seemed to
look back at me with laughter, the curl of the digits resembling twisted eyes.
With another
deep breath, I raised my hand the second time, poised in the position to knock.
The first
attempt had failed with me dropping my hand back down in the battle of logic
and feelings.
I narrowed my eyes and bit my bottom lip...before gravity decided to show off
its force on
me - again.
I scolded myself silently as I clenched my fingers into a tight fist, the nails
digging hard
into my skin. I've already come so far, and I wasn't going to back out. I was
determined to
get it through, and a little fear was not going to stop me. I guess this is
sort of a
mission for me.
With one swift motion, I lifted my fist and soundly, banged twice on the door.
Through the rock and roll music, I picked up a "Just a second!" and
the dropping of something
metallic. My last chance to escape, but instead I waited silently, trying to
hide how tense
I was.
My eyes flickered once more to the numbers that identified this apartment.
Six...the number
of Devils...
The door swung open without warning, and there he was. He was clad in black
t-shirt and jeans,
covered with a white and blue checkered apron. His face matured nicely, but
never losing the
boyish innocence that was always within him. He gained height in the past year,
but that did
not occur to me as a surprise. He, after all, ate more than both the other pilots
and myself
put together. What did amaze me, though, was the amount that he had grown. I
had to lift my
head to catch his large eyes widening in surprise and recognition, in an immense
pool of blue.
"HEERO!"
I barely had the time to react before he threw himself at me, his greasy apron
pressing
against my clothes, and his messy half-done braid swinging around to smack me
on my bare arm
as he gave me a large hug. His cheeks were pinning themselves to my ear, and
his hair was
poking at my face. But nevertheless, I enjoyed feeling him so close to me. Stiffly,
I raised
my arm to grasp his waist, in an attempt to return his gesture. Before long,
though, just as
I was getting comfortable, he pried off me, grinning at me widely. All of a
sudden, he
launched into his speech that I have been missing for...so long.
"Wow! I can't believe that it's really you here! Me and the guys have
been looking for you
forever! Where have you been? I mean, we just totally lost contact with you
that day and I
guess you just completely caught me by surprise today. Oh, yes, come in! Come
in!" He grabbed
my hand and pulled me into his apartment.
"Sorry it's a bit messy here, I don't usually clean up all the time, but
you know how I am
and anyway, I was just cooking lunch. Have you had lunch, Heero? Wow, you look
quite thin.
Haven't been feeding yourself very well eh? Well I'll fatten you up here. Sorry
'bout the
music, it's really loud I know but I just love that song!" he continued,
while switching off
the stereo with a flick of the remote. The room plunged into silence for about
two seconds,
aside from the clamor of traffic below, emitting from the window of the apartment.
"Oh, the couch is here," he started again, "TV - you can watch
anything you want. And the
bathroom is 'round the corner if you need to go. Sorry, but I think that my
lunch is gonna
burn if I don't..." he paused to sniff at the smell wafering from the direction
I presume
was the kitchen. "Shit!"
He ran off, leaving me alone in the living room. I breathed a sigh of relief.
Well, it's
been going good so far. I let out a smile of contentment as his voice continued
to rant;
though his actual conversation is hard to pick up due to the distance and the
noises he was
making in the kitchen. I managed to catch a few words..."...today...over...my
place..."
I looked around. Remarkably, the furniture and walls were shades of white and
green, despite
his obsession with black. They were ordered in simple arrangement, comfortable
for the
person living here. The coffee table was littered with snacks and CD cases;
with that as an
exception, the place was quite well cleaned.
This is quite a contrast to what he was like during the war, and I was the
'lucky' participant
to room with him all the time. His clothing was everywhere...from the table,
to his bed, to
my bed. Anywhere but in the closet. I cannot help wondering what make him change
his behavior.
In fact, this room even had this...homey...family...sort of atomsphere. He even
had pictures
framed, placed symetrically on the wall.
I stepped towards photos to examine them. The first was the five of us. I'm
amazed that he
still had that picture. It was taken right after all of us had recovered from
the last of
the wars, at one of Quatre's mansions. It was only a few days afterwards that
I left them.
I hadn't even gotten the chance to see this picture. Duo and Quatre, of course,
were smiling
broadly, Trowa and Wufei even smirking a little. I of course, was the exception,
with the
big scowl on my face. I don't know why he still kept this picture, since I had
spoiled it
with my exasperated look.
The next photograph made me stiffen. He was with a girl. Someone that I was
introduced to
once before. Hilda? Hilde? The picture had the two with arms around each other,
and the
expression on their faces radiated pure happiness, even more than the usual
smile that is
plastered on his face. My heart stopped, and my vision blurred.
I blinked and pried my eyes away from the picture, and took steady steps to
the couch before
sitting down. I picked up a CD case and flipped it over, in what I hoped was
a casual gesture.
I guess the first reaction is denial. Hard to admit, but at least it hides the
jealousy -
for a while anyway. Afterwards, I was overwhelmed with regret and sadness. I
shouldn't have
come here. It was a mistake. How stupid was I to think that there might even
be a chance of
Duo liking me back? Even with his long hair, it was obvious to everyone his
masculinity, and
his mischievous charms. I wasn't the only one who was attached to him, and I
wasn't the one
that he...needed. Hell, he probably didn't even like boys.
At that instant Duo came bounding back into the room, and I hastily placed
the CD case back
to where it originally was. As I turned around I marvelled at his beauty. His
everlasting
happiness was always an enigma to me. How can he be so cheerful all the time?
But that was
just part of the reason why I lo-liked him so much. Mysterious, but carefree
and...happy.
But still not as happy as how he looked in the picture. He was positively beaming.
My heart
clenched again at the thought of someone else providing that happiness to him.
"Have you had lunch yet, Heero?" he asked, interrupting my thoughts
"Yes," I lied. I was too nervous before to even swallow a single
thing. I hadn't had
breakfast either, let alone lunch, but I wasn't hungry at all. I stood back
up. Maybe I
should leave. Obviously, he already...had someone else.
I opened my mouth to inform him of my departure when a loud knocking on the
door interrupted
me.
"Coming!" Duo gave me an apologetic smile before rushing for the
door. Still standing at the
same spot, I heard the door swing open, and Duo's loud voice. "Hilde!"
There was a rush of excited yelps, followed by Duo's ever present voice. "...yeah,
Heero
came over. Do you think that it would be okay, Hilde, we just all..." The
two nonchalantly
strolled into my view. He had his arm around her, resting on her shoulder. My
heart skipped
a few beats, and my breath was choked in my throat . I can't take it anymore.
Isn't it
enough that he doesn't return my feelings? Did he have to display it to my face?
Torment me,
just like...just like the numbers on his door. Torment me...even though he had
no idea how
much I needed him.
I began trembling slightly, and my fingers curled to their habitual position
of a fist. I
had to go. Now.
Duo opened his mouth, preparing to introduce us for the second time, but I
stepped up to him,
and he stopped in his tracks.
I stared into his eyes. They were bright with concern. I don't know what he
saw in mine, but
he seemed to let out a tiny gasp of surprise. I stood up on my toes, grasped
his head with
my hands, and placed a kiss on his forehead.
"Goodbye, Duo. It was nice to see you again. Hilde." I nodded to
her in acknowledgment. Then
I brushed pass him, and ran out the door, barely aware that Duo was calling
for me to wait.
I rounded the corner, and instead of wasting my time for the lift, I opened
the door to the
staircase and hurriedly ran all the six floors down.
My tears were flowing freely down my face, and I brushed them away with hate.
Damn my
emotions. If only I hadn't fallen in love. If only I hadn't followed it's instructions.
If
only I can't feel it so I wouldn't be hurting so much inside. So I wouldn't
be crying for
the first time in my life. So I can forget him.
But he gave me the emotions. And even though he hurt me I would do anything
to make him
happy.
Yes, they were definitely wrong - something did break me. The numbers 66.
The End