Theodore Nott has to make an important decision but his emotions begin to blur his thoughts.
Disclaimer: The Harry Potter series and all of it's characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Hold Onto What You Believe is the property of Mumford and Sons.
"I can't promise you-"
The way she walked away created a surge of emotion in him that he never thought existed. She was his beacon in the storm. The star when he was lost. The laughter when he cried. But now she was gone. Hopefully she would understand. Hopefully she would hold on. Hopefully she trusted him. This had to be done.
Running away was what he did best. Escape was his middle name. Isolation was his reality. Leaving was his freedom. There was no other way. It was the way he was raised. The only way he grew to know. It was the only way he knew he could save her. He hoped she would hold on.
She was the best at controlling herself. Distraction was the way she lived. He did not deserve her smile. She deserved the best. He was not the best. He was dangerous. Loving her was going to kill her. He was sure of that. Leaving her was the only way to protect her. Or maybe it was the easiest. Loving her was the worst wonderful thing that ever happened. The most complicated. He knew that loving her would only create destruction. Yet she robbed him of his heart and soul. Took it away from him as if he had no control. He hoped she trusted him.
Ignoring her was what he was going to do. Resent her for all the love she presented. It would tear him apart. But the anger was good. Anger created more rebellion. Anger gave more of a reason. A reason to fight. To fight for her life. To save her in the end. He had to hate her. But love her at the same time. He had to hate her for her love. As difficult as that was, it had to be done.
"I can't promise you that I won't let you down."
He had to tell her he hated her. It was a show. She knew that. But he didn't. The lines between reality and fantasy blurred. He was beginning to know she was awful. Awful for making him fall for her. Awful for making him become vulnerable. He was not meant to be weak. Weakness was failure. And he was becoming a failure. A failure like his father. He failed himself. He failed her. He failed her. Theodore Nott hated himself. He hated her. He loved her. He hated her. He had to hate her. He had to push her away. It was for her life. He was saving her life.
"I can't promise you that I'll-"
She was a drug. An addiction impossible to rid of. He could not rid of her. She was everywhere. She was in his dreams. In his thoughts. In his heart. Or was it her heart? He gave her everything. Just to steal it back. To make her miserable. But he was really doing this for her happiness. Her smile. Her laughter. The echo of her voice. The stutter in her words. The rush of her imagination. It was all for her. She was his light. He had to hold onto her. He would never let go. He let go. Her light faded. She sucked away his emotion. Destroyed his freedom. It was for her. It was all for her. He would tell himself over and over. It was all for her.
Avoidance. It was his masterpiece. But that was impossible. She was everywhere. She lingered in his dreams longer. She was the tears that left his eyes. She was his belongings he destroyed in rage. She was his torn up parchment. She was the ink that left his quill. The rain that fell from the clouds. The thunder and the wind. The stars in the sky. She was everything. He hated everything. He made sure she knew. He told her whenever he saw her. Watching her tremble was his strength. But it destroyed him. His strength was his weakness. His love was his hate. Her love was no longer his. Her tears made him angry. He insulted her when he saw her. She cried. She cried a lot. He was not there to comfort her. Someone else was. He hated her even more. Insulted her until there was nothing left. Nothing left for him. Nothing left for him to love.
"I'll be the only one around when your hope falls down."
If this makes no sense, I can explain. Theodore's father is a Death Eater, stuck inside of Azkaban. He does not know he broke out, but other Death Eaters seek him. He loves a girl but he must break up with her which is a very difficult feat for him. He has to do it for her to remain safe. Over the year he begins to actually hate her. He's a boy I've always seen to be loaded of a ton of confusing and contrasting emotions.