Did it Hurt (When You Fell from Heaven)?
Kurt is his home and Blaine can't think of anywhere else to be.
Title: Did it Hurt (When You Fell from Heaven)?
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: 3x17 (Dance With Somebody)
Warnings: casual swearing, angst
TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR: Brief discussion of self-harm.
Word Count: ~7k
Characters/Pairings: Blaine Anderson, Kurt Hummel, Kurt/Blaine
Summary: Kurt is his home and Blaine can't think of anywhere else to be.
Disclaimer: I do not claim any ownership rights to Glee as it belongs to FOX network and the show's producers. Title credit goes to Did it Hurt by Nevershoutnever.
Author's Note: This started out as a reaction fic to Dance with Somebody and then ended up as seven thousand words of feelings. There is quite literally, absolutely, no plot. Just lots and lots of discussion about how much Blaine and Kurt love each other. There is a bit of Blangst interspersed through the story because it's me and I can't help myself, but it's mostly just mushy, fluffy, feelings.
The thing about Blaine is that he is entirely composed of insecurities. And he could attribute it to his father's constant disappointment, or to his mother's absences, or to his brother's ego, but inside, he knows that he has always been this way. From the time he was a child, Blaine has known what pleasing others means: changing himself and his needs to accommodate everyone else. He's always been alright with that though. He enjoys the feeling of putting a smile on someone else's face and the satisfaction he gets when he sees that look of pride directed at him.
All he's ever really wanted was to have someone who was proud of him. So that maybe he could be proud of himself.
The other thing about Blaine is that he's used to going it alone. He's never really had many friends – the Warblers excluded, but after the whole Sebastian incident even they're on shaky ground. Blaine doesn't know what it is, but there's something about him that makes people want to keep him at a distance; be friendly and use him, but never let him in.
When he was five or six, Carla, his nanny, would take him to the park after school. While all the other kids would run around and play with each other, Blaine would sit in his little corner of the sandbox with his toys and play by himself. It's not that he didn't want to play with the other kids, just that none of them would ever stop to explain the rules of the game to him.
And isn't that just the story of Blaine's life? He wants to play, wants to belong so, so badly, but no one will stop to teach him how.
So yes, Blaine is insecure and alone. At least, until Kurt Hummel walks into his life. It's a subtle change in his life, and Blaine can't pin point when exactly it happened, but suddenly, Blaine is not so alone anymore. Suddenly, there's Kurt – Kurt, who listens, and loves, and cares, and embraces Blaine wholly. And Blaine loves Kurt with his entire being and to the ends of the universe.
But sometimes Blaine's insecurities get in the way of his love. The last few weeks before Nationals and Kurt's final audition for NYADA, Blaine starts to pull away. Because he has always known what it feels like being alone, but now he also knows what it feels like to not. He's not sure he can handle going back to alone because an open wound stops hurting past a point, but pulling out the stitches burns and stings and tortures.
Blaine doesn't lie to Kurt – he could never lie to Kurt. He avoids him, sure, but he doesn't lie. He just makes sure he always has something else to do – homework, SAT prep, studying, family things, every excuse under the rainbow. And it's not because he doesn't want to spend time with Kurt, logically he knows that they should be spending every possible moment together, but Blaine needs to get himself used to the loneliness again. So that is doesn't hurt quite as much when Kurt leaves.
It really doesn't help that all Kurt talks about nowadays is NYADA and New York and graduation. Like he can't wait to get out of here and leave Ohio behind – leave Blaine behind.
Whitney Week is what brings it all to a head.
They are literally three weeks away from Nationals, one from Kurt's audition and Blaine is still quietly freaking out.
He's trying to imagine walking these fucking disgusting halls by himself next year and wanting to turn to Kurt and talk to him but realizing that Kurt is miles and miles away, when Kurt asks him to go to Twin Sheets. This is where his first mistake was, he guesses, because he says no and Kurt meets Chandler.
Here's the thing Kurt can't seem to understand: Blaine isn't jealous. Blaine would never begrudge Kurt any of his success. In fact, if Kurt was to become the most famous man on Earth and Blaine was to remain jobless, he would gladly walk in Kurt's shadow if only to have a glimpse at Kurt's glow. More than anything, Blaine wants to see Kurt succeed.
Also, Blaine doesn't even mind that Chandler was hitting on Kurt. Because, well, it's Kurt. And any guy of their persuasion who doesn't notice that Kurt is amazing and wonderful and gorgeous and hot is either crazy, or lying.
What Blaine minds is that Kurt was flirting back and that Kurt can't seem to show the same support when it comes to Blaine's success.
Blaine knows that Kurt loves him and he knows that Kurt wants him to live his dreams. But sometimes Blaine gets the feeling that Kurt would prefer his own success over Blaine's. Which, OK, Blaine's always known that Kurt at his worst is selfish and conniving and hurtful, but he's never thought that Kurt would ever use that side on Blaine.
It's not like Blaine ever asks for the solos – Mr. Schue just has a one track mind and doesn't seem to understand that there are voices other than Blaine's and Rachel's in the group. That being said, Blaine's not going to turn down the solos and hand them to Kurt either. Because he knows if he did, Kurt would be angry that Blaine thought he couldn't earn the solo on his own merit.
Kurt is infinitely talented and Blaine will always be the first to say it, but that doesn't mean that Kurt is the only one who is talented in their relationship. Blaine is willing to take a backseat just as soon as Kurt stops making Blaine feel like a prick who steals all the solos.
Kurt says he feels neglected, but Blaine feels betrayed. He's sorry, so, so sorry that Kurt ever thought Blaine didn't love him anymore. Because it's quite near impossible for Blaine not to love Kurt; it's like trying to hold his breath – he can pretend for a little while, but eventually he'll need air and he'll come up gasping for it. Kurt is air. He is earth, wind, and fire. Kurt is everything Blaine will ever need and he regrets not showing it more often.
But Blaine has enough backbone to know that what Kurt has done is wrong. They've had this discussion before, they've drawn lines and mapped out exactly they are and are not comfortable with. And Blaine is damn sure he's explained what cheating is to him.
No, Kurt didn't go looking for physical intimacy from someone else – Blaine's almost sure that he would have been more OK with that. Kurt went looking for emotional satisfaction from a total stranger and that's what hurts. The fact the Blaine couldn't even keep Kurt happy. And what good is if he can't even do that?
"I like the way he makes me feel," Kurt says.
And Blaine's heart plummets through the floor and deep, deep into the ground. You don't like how I make you feel, he wants to say. My love isn't enough for you, is what is on the tip of his tongue. But what comes out is I changed schools for you, I turned my whole life around for you.
Maybe this is the worst part of having Kurt in his life. Kurt gives him strength to stand up for himself. Blaine knows that if he were what he was even six months ago, he would have agreed with Kurt and found a way to make it up to him.
But he's not wrong. Blaine isn't wrong this time. He doesn't owe Kurt anything right now. And damn him for trying to put this on Blaine's shoulder again. Because if he could, Blaine would give the world to Kurt – his solos, Rachel's solos and the affections of every person on earth. And it's not Blaine's fault that people like him, and fuck you Kurt, for trying to make it seem like it is.
He's never been this angry at Kurt – ever.
Kurt doesn't get that Blaine wants to be the one at the Plaza singing with him. Blaine wants to be the one have luncheons with him and Blaine wants to be the one discovering New York with him. But he can't. He can't because some assholes decided that he would make an adequate punching bag and put him in a hospital for three months. He can't because his teachers were shit and all the adults in his life were shit and he had to repeat a year of high school.
It's not fair, Blaine thinks, it's not fair and it's not right.
It's not right, but it's OK, he keeps repeating to himself on the way home. He doesn't believe it, but it's all that's keeping him from drowning right now.
The meeting in Miss Pillsbury's office doesn't fix everything, but it brings them to the point where they're talking again. They're not quite back to normal yet – Blaine still flinches every time Kurt gets a text and they're still trying to schedule their time together, but they're getting there.
Things are starting to become familiar again. They still slip their hands together unconsciously, Blaine gives Kurt the beets in his salad and Kurt gives Blaine the pickles from his sandwich. Their routines start to flow together, and just like that, they become kurtandblaine again.
The Friday after they make-up, Burt calls Blaine to invite him to dinner. And Blaine still can't wrap his head around the fact that he has a relationship with Burt completely independent of his relationship with Kurt. It's a good feeling knowing that, even if he and Kurt weren't together, he would still have a standing invitation to Friday Night Dinners.
That afternoon, Blaine rushes home and grabs his overnight bag so he can spend the weekend at the Hudmel home. Kurt's turning eighteen in a few weeks and Finn, Rachel, and Blaine are already there, so Burt and Carole figure that they can all sleep in the same bedroom as their significant others. This is why Blaine loves Burt and Carole, they're such reasonable people.
Burt greets him at the door and pulls him into a tight hug. "I feel like I haven't seen you in years, kid!" he says.
Blaine can't help but smile and return the hug, "I missed you too, Burt."
When he steps in, the warmth and comfort of the house hits him with a wave of emotions. Kurt's house feels more like home than his own. He's become so integrated into this family that Blaine is sometimes left wondering how he ever functioned without them. There are days when Kurt isn't even at home and Blaine just shows up to sit in the kitchen and peel vegetables for Carole, or play video games with Finn, or replace the light bulb in the pantry.
It feels like coming home, which is something Blaine can honestly say he has never felt before having met Kurt.
Inside, he can hear the typical sounds of the kitchen – the banging of pots and pans, rushing of the water from the sink, chopping sounds of the knife on a cutting board. When he walks over to the stove to greet Carole who is stirring her sauce, he finds Rachel and Kurt arguing over the best way to serve tiramisu.
It's funny, Blaine thinks, that Kurt and Rachel get along so well in most other areas, but when it comes to the kitchen, they couldn't be any more different. But it's great for Rachel because she seems to bond with Carole over their Kurt-Kitchen woes.
"Hey, Carole," Blaine says as he offers her a small peck on the cheek. And when did he get more familiar with Kurt's stepmom than his own mother?
"Hello, dear," Carole replies, "I haven't seen you in so long! What, with the night shifts I've been picking up and the trips to DC. How've you been?"
Blaine grins, "I've been just fine, Carole. Just busy getting ready for final exams." For graduation, for Kurt leaving, he doesn't say.
He thinks Carole catches it anyway because she gives him a watery smile and says, "I know, I know Blaine, but you'll be fine." We'll be alright, she means.
"I know," he says as he pulls her into a hug. "We should go out for lunch sometime and catch up."
Carole nods, "Of course, we'll do it next weekend when Burt takes the boys out for father and sons day."
Blaine grins. "And we'll have a mother and son-in-law day!" he laughs.
"Yes, but with none of that in-law business! You're my son as much as Kurt and Finn are, Blaine," she says, cupping his cheek in her palm," "And I am your mother as much yours is not," she pats his cheek and plants a kiss on his forehead.
Kurt and Rachel's voices get louder and louder.
Before Blaine has a chance to choke out some sort of an answer she continues, "Now, go separate the old women. I swear, they've been at it since they walked into the house!" And with that, she shoos Blaine away.
Blaine's pretty sure that his smile is splitting his face because he's her son. But he can't focus on that right now; he has bigger problems to deal with.
He walks up behind Kurt, wraps his arms around his waist and hooks his chin over Kurt's shoulder. "Hey, beautiful," he whispers into Kurt's ear. Kurt smiles and turns his head to place a kiss on top of Blaine's head.
"Hey, handsome," he replies.
"Blaine! I'm so glad you're here!" Rachel exclaims, "Now you can tell Kurt how ridiculous he's being!"
Blaine laughs, "Nope, sorry, Rachel," he says. "I am on strict orders from Carole to diffuse this fight, not fuel your fire. Besides, I've learned that it's best to just agree with my boyfriend. It's more to my benefit. Perhaps you can recruit Finn?"
Rachel huffs, "Finn's too scared to take sides. He says he doesn't want to argue with me because I'm his girlfriend, but that Kurt's too scary to fight with."
"Well then, you understand my position!" Blaine says. "Now, I can't take your side, but I can take him off your hands. Come on Kurt, we're going to go make out in your room while Rachel and Carole finish up in here!"
Blaine's already dragged Kurt half way to the kitchen door before Kurt even realizes what's happening. "Wait, what? No! Blaine Anderson, you let me go this instant! I have to go make dessert!" Kurt protests as he halts to a stop.
Blaine lets out a frustrated sight. He cups Kurt's face in his hands and looks him straight in the eyes, "Rachel is more than capable of making dessert, Kurt. I have barely seen you all day and I am about five seconds away from kissing you into submission in front of your entire family. So I suggest you come with me and stop fighting this."
Kurt pouts and crosses his arms in objection. "No," he says.
Blaine rolls his eyes at his boyfriend's stubbornness. He steps closer to Kurt, pecks him on the lips and they steps away only to throw Kurt over his shoulder and walk away from the kitchen.
"Hey, man," Finn greets from the couch as Blaine passes the living room.
"Hey, Finn. Can't talk, sorry, I have to go make out with your brother," Blaine says as he rushes past, Kurt still feebly trying to get loose from Blaine's hold.
"Dude, gross! Too much information," he hears Finn shout as he climbs up the stairs to Kurt's room.
When he reaches Kurt's bedroom, he closes the door behind him and deposits his boyfriend on the bed. He climbs over Kurt to straddle his hips and then bends down to kiss him.
Kurt's lips are soft and warm and so, so familiar to Blaine that they almost feel like a part of his own body. He lets out a quiet moan when Kurt slips his tongue past his lips and teeth and twines it Blaine's. Their hands tangle into each other's hair and when Blaine goes to pull away for air their faces are less than an inch apart.
"Hi," Blaine whispers.
"Hi," Kurt whispers back.
Blaine rolls over and off of Kurt so that he's lying on his side, facing Kurt. "I missed you," he says, as he traces random patterns on the sliver of exposed skin between the waist of Kurt's pants and the hem of his shirt.
Kurt giggles and bats his hand away, "That tickles," he says. Blaine moves his hand up to Kurt's hair and cards through it. "I missed you too," Kurt adds as he turns on his side to face Blaine and snuggles into the warmth of Blaine's embrace.
He sneaks his free hand under Kurt's shirt and rubs slow circles on his back. "Mmm," Kurt groans, "Don't do that, I'll fall asleep if you keep doing that."
Blaine smiles and kisses the top of Kurt's head, "So sleep, I'll wake you up when dinner's ready."
"Alright," Kurt mumbles. He pulls in closer to Blaine, almost like he's trying to crawl inside of him and Blaine rubs circles on his back and hums indistinctive lullabies as he feels Kurt's breaths even out.
It's an hour later when Burt comes into the room, his soft knocking on the door frame rousing Blaine from sleep.
"Hey, kid. Dinner's ready," Burt says.
"Thanks, Burt," Blaine replies. "We'll be down in five minutes – if I can wake this one up," he says pointing at Kurt.
Burt grins and nods, "Good luck, call me if you need me."
Blaine waits until Burt leaves to shake Kurt awake.
"Kurt, babe," he says, "you've got to wake up – dinner's ready."
"Nooo," Kurt moans. "Don't want to."
Blaine turns Kurt so that they are facing each other and kisses him. "No, don't, you're waking me up," Kurt whines.
"That's kind of the point, silly."
Kurt hums contentedly and kisses Blaine again and licks his way into Blaine's mouth. Their legs tangle together and Kurt rolls his hips into Blaine's, but Blaine has to pull away because dinner.
He jumps out of the bed and pulls Kurt up, "Come on, dinner time – I'm starving."
It's odd having dinner that night. Which is an odd thing in and of itself, there's usually a warm comfort at the dinner table, no awkwardness, no tension. But it's to be expected tonight – all Finn, Kurt and Rachel can talk about are their plans for New York, and Burt, Carole and Blaine are left nodding along because they're all being left behind. Blaine wonders if they ever think about how they're making their parents feel.
He knows that the empty-nest syndrome that Burt and Carole are feeling isn't the same as his fears of abandonment, but he understands the feeling of being alone. Burt and Carole have each other thoug, and Blaine doesn't have anyone. The only person that may understand is Tina, but they're not very close.
So Blaine nods and smiles because he doesn't want to start this conversation with Kurt in front of everyone else. He quietly eats his food trying his best to avoid eye contact with anyone because he knows the second he looks up, everyone will know his thoughts.
He's contemplating whether he should take a bite of his mashed potatoes or a bite of his steak, when he feels Carole's hand grip his shoulder. He's not sure who she's trying to comfort – him or herself – but Blaine feels instantly calmed.
When they finish dinner, Blaine and Kurt are on dish duty. Blaine clears the plates from the table as Kurt fills the sink with soapy water. Kurt kisses Blaine on the cheek as he comes to stand beside the sink with a dish towel ready to dry clean dishes.
"You were quiet during dinner," Kurt says.
Blaine hums, "I guess I just didn't have much to add to the conversation."
Kurt looks at him with worried eyes. "I'm sorry, I know I'm supposed to avoid New York talk but – "
Blaine shakes his head. "No, no you're not supposed to avoid New York talk, Kurt. You're supposed to include me in the conversation. It's hard to listen to you make all these plans without me. Logically, I know I'll be there with you in a year, but I won't be there for any of these plans and it kills me. I don't mind talking about New York. It's just – when you and Rachel start talking, it feels like I'm not even part of your plans anymore."
Kurt stops scrubbing plates and rinses his hands. He grabs the towel out of Blaine's hands and pulls Blaine into his embrace. "You are," he says, "You are part of every plan. You – maybe I don't say this enough, but, Blaine, you are everything. New York, NYADA, Broadway, none of it means anything without you there."
Blaine sniffs into Kurt's shoulder, "You too," he says.
"What?"
"You're my everything too."
Kurt kisses Blaine's temple and Blaine can feel the smile spread across his lips. "Come on, let's finish these dishes and then we go curl up in bed and watch cheesy romance movies," he says as he pulls them apart.
They're curled up on Kurt's bed together, kissing and touching, when Kurt's hand drifts to Blaine's stomach and brushes across the patches of raised skin there. Battle scars, Kurt calls them. Blaine just thinks they're ugly.
There are a lot of scars etched over Blaine's body – from scraped knees as a child, rough housing with Coop, the Sadie Hawkins dance. But the worst scars, the ones Blaine is most ashamed of, are littered across the spans of his inner thighs.
They're from when he was fifteen and couldn't see the point anymore and the sting of a blade felt better than the numbness of apathy.
His biggest fear was showing them to Kurt – that Kurt would leave him, call him weak, not love him anymore. But, well, Kurt has been known to zig when he's expected zag. The first time Kurt ever saw his scars, he had told Blaine that he was the most beautiful person Kurt had ever laid eyes on. He had kissed every single one – fifty-six altogether, including the ones Blaine had not put there himself – and made sure Blaine knew that he was loved.
Kurt says that he has a love-hate relationship with the scars.
"I just – I hate that you have them," he told Blaine. "I hate why you have them. I hate that the world has let you down so much that there are physical reminders of it on your body. But they show me how strong you are, Blaine. You are the bravest man I have ever known. And I am so, so glad that you're in my life.
"On their own, they're ugly scar tissue, but on you they're beautiful landmarks; monuments to your bravery and the battles you have fought. You're a fighter, Blaine. And every fighter has battle scars. These are yours."
And Blaine had sobbed for hours before he could muster up the coherence to say, "I love you."
Kurt had cupped his face and looked him in the eyes. "And I, you," he had said.
They spend a lot of time crying, Blaine thinks, but it's better than spending a lot of time fighting. They have the whole world to fight; they don't need to battle each other.
Nights like this are what remind Blaine of this. The house is quiet – Finn and Rachel have left to sleep at the Berry's house, Burt and Carole are out on a date, and Kurt and Blaine are tangled up in Kurt's bed, kissing lazily and exploring each other with soft hands. There's nothing to think about or worry about. It's just them and their love to fill the space.
Kurt tugs Blaine closer, "Come back," he whispers.
"I didn't go anywhere," Blaine says.
"Mm, no. You were off in your head again," Kurt argues. "None of that tonight." He dives in and molds his lips to Blaine's.
Blaine moans into Kurt's mouth and rolls over onto his back, tugging Kurt on top of him. Kurt's hands slide under Blaine's shirt and Blaine shivers because Kurt's hands are always so cold. And they work well that way, he guesses. Blaine's been called a human space heater more than once and Kurt is the human popsicle so they both heat up and cool the other one down. It's a give and take kind of relationship.
Kurt rolls his hips into Blaine's, and Blaine instinctively hooks his leg around Kurt's thigh to pull him in. Blaine can already feel Kurt's cock hardening against his leg. He groans and lifts up to slide his length against Kurt's.
The clothes come off slowly, pauses in between each article to make out some more. Kurt's cold hands roam Blaine's warm body and Blaine's touches scold Kurt. Blaine marvels at how Kurt's body can simultaneously be made of soft curves and sharp angles. His jaw, his shoulders, his collarbones all pointed and severe but his hips, his lips, his ass there to cushion the blow.
Their bodies meld together like they've finally found home. Kurt's leg slots in between Blaine's open ones, their lips dovetail perfectly, their fingers lace together, and it's like they were meant to be like this all the time.
Blaine's knows they won't go far tonight – they've done slow and languorous before and it never leads to anything more than rubbing against each other or a couple of fingers inside one of them. But Blaine doesn't mind because nights like this are what let him know that they're both so in love. Because for them, sex isn't all about the urgency and the raw passion (though that is there), it's about loving each other and respecting each other and connecting with each other. Sex is the tactile expression of their love and adoration. This bodies and minds together like this is home.
It's hours before they find release – the whole house quiet, the sky pitch black, Kurt's hand wrapped around Blaine's cock and Blaine's around Kurt's. They come together, low moans and shallow gasps. Kurt collapses on top of Blaine, planting butterfly kisses up his neck, across his jaw, on his lips.
"Are we going to get up?" Kurt asks, his word passing through his lips and melting into Blaine's skin.
Blaine groans, "Don't want to get up. Don't want you to get up either."
"No Blaine, we have to clean up or we'll be all gross in the morning." Blaine wraps his arms tight around Kurt's waist in protest.
"Blaine," Kurt whines, "I do not want to wake up stuck to you with dried come in the morning! Let me go so I can get something to clean us up."
Blaine sighs and untangles himself from Kurt and the groans when he realizes that Kurt only has to reach over to the night stand to grab some of the baby wipes he keeps stored there.
Once they're no longer a sticky mess, Kurt crawls over Blaine and blankets him. His head rests on Blaine's chest and his fingers trace Blaine's scars. Blaine runs his fingers through Kurt's hair, breathing slowly and reveling in the calm and quiet.
"I think hate this one the most," Kurt says as he runs his index finger over the largest of the scars litter Blaine's abdomen. It's right between his fifth and sixth ribs on the left side of his body – long and thick, jagged and jarringly pink against his normally tan skin.
"Why?" Blaine whispers, almost as if he's afraid of the answer.
"This one is the one that almost stole you away from me," Kurt says. Blaine inhales sharply and winds his arms tighter around Kurt to pull him up and hug him close because Blaine hates it too – it's a permanent reminder of what happened to him when he was at that dance three years ago.
"I just – I hate that those monsters thought it was OK to do this to you," Kurt's voice quavers, "I hate that if they had just angled their hands differently, you would be dead, six feet underground in some shitty cemetery and there would be a shitty tombstone with a shitty epitaph like, here lies Blaine Micah Anderson beloved son, brother and friend. Because they don't know. They don't know that you're so much more.
"I – I love you, so fucking much and I hate that if that wound had gone any differently, I would have never had the chance to love you. There would always just be this Blaine shaped hole in my life and I wouldn't even know that it was Blaine shaped because I would have never met you.
"And, and I hate that this is the reason why you're not coming to New York with me – why you had to repeat your freshman year. This is what kept you in a hospital for three months on a ventilator because you couldn't breathe – because it collapsed your lung. Jesus, Blaine, you could have died," Kurt's voice cracks at the last word. Blaine can feel Kurt's tears trickling onto his skin, mixing in with Blaine's own.
And what can Blaine say to that?
"He is the sun, the moon, the heavens and the earth. He is the center and the edge of the universe. He is everything and without him, there is nothing," Blaine says, because that's all he could muster up.
Kurt lifts his head to look at Blaine, "What?"
"That's what I would put on your epitaph," Blaine replies.
Kurt chuckles, a watery smile on his face, "I can't decide if that's grossly morbid or horribly romantic," he says.
"Let's go with horribly romantic."
"OK," Kurt says. He pause to kisses Blaine. "I love you," he adds.
"I love you too," Blaine whispers into his ear.
They fall asleep tangled up with each other, limbs twining, body heat mixing together.
On Monday, Mr. Schue tells them to sing songs about things they think someone else in the club needs to hear. And Blaine contemplates singing a lot of different songs to a lot of different people. He even compiles a list: Grace Kelly for Santana, The Middle for Tina, Underneath this Smile for Quinn. In the end, he settles with a song for Kurt. Because he will always have songs for Kurt.
The performances are all on Friday – a special, extra-long Glee practice, the last before they go to Chicago for Nationals. Blaine worries about his performance the entire week – he changes his song at least three times: first it's Soul Meets Body, then Hey There Delilah (but Blaine decides that way too on the nose), and then it's All My Loving and then it's something entirely different.
Blaine tells Kurt he'll be singing to him and Kurt tells him that his song is for Blaine. They agree to keep their songs a surprise and then they promptly stop talking about the assignment.
Mr. Schue had drawn names for spots on Tuesday. Kurt got the first performance and funnily enough, Blaine had gotten the last.
Mostly, they sing songs to their loved ones, but Finn sings Young and the Hopeless for Puck, which Blaine must agree is very suitable and true. Artie ends up singing Underneath this Smile to Quinn and that's a little weird to Blaine because yes, Blaine listens to Hilary Duff and no, he doesn't think there's anything wrong with that, but Artie?
"I was going to sing All My Loving," Kurt says, and Blaine laughs because wow, they think a lot alike. "But I thought that was a little predictable so I chose this instead," he smiles.
Sam walks up to the stage with a ukulele and starts strumming.
Kurt's song choice is a little out of the blue because Blaine didn't know that Kurt was even aware of the existence of Nevershoutnever. But after the initial shock, Blaine is really just touched by the song. It's short and sweet and really, really cute.
Blaine smiles because it's usually him that's the cheesy one in their relationship, but today, Kurt is essentially using the world's oldest pickup line on Blaine.
"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven," Kurt sings and Blaine's grin almost splits whole face as he resists the urge to shout out, not at all.
Kurt takes his microphone off its stand and walk off the stage towards Blaine. He kneels in front of Blaine and takes his hand.
"Did it hurt just to know that I was right here waiting? Did you know – do you know, it was love from the first time we touched?" Kurt ends the song and Blaine pulls him up and kisses him, urgent and passionate, but not long enough to make anyone uncomfortable.
There are a lot of love songs that float around for the rest of the afternoon. Tina and Mike end up doing a duet to Can't Keep My Hands Off You which is simultaneously cute, funny and disturbing. And Rachel sings Staring at the Sun to Finn which isn't exactly a love song, but it gets the point across.
It starts to get a little nerve wracking waiting for his turn they get through Mike, Rory, Mercedes, Sam and then finally, finally, they get to Blaine. He waits for the band to set up behind him and takes a few deep breaths.
"I too was going to sing All My Loving," he says, and everyone laughs because apparently everyone was going to sing All My Loving. "But this one was better."
The keyboard queues him in, "I don't want to be adored; don't want to be first in line or make myself heard," he sings.
He's come full circle, Blaine thinks; the first song he'd ever sung to Kurt at McKinley was a Keane song and the last song he'll ever sing to Kurt at McKinley is going to be a Keane song.
"I'd like to bring a little light, to shine a light on your life, to make you feel loved." The smile Kurt sends his way is blinding and pierces right through Blaine.
Blaine had rearranged the song to add strings and as they start up, Blaine feels a new burst of energy flow through him, "Shine a little light, shine a light on my life, warm me up again," he sings. The rest of the New Directions pick up behind him, bringing the song to a crescendo, "Say a word or two to brighten my day. Do you think that you could see your way?" they chorus together.
The song drifts to an end and Kurt comes up to him on stage and kisses him with tears in his eyes. "I love you, I love you, I love you," he chants with every kiss.
Blaine stays over at Kurt's house for the weekend again. He brings his guitar with him and plays Kurt all the songs Blaine had wanted to sing to him. At one point, Burt and Carole wander up the stairs and into Kurt's room and they put on a little show.
Burt and Carole slow dance to the strums of Blaine's guitar and the crooning of his and Kurt's voices.
"I've got you under my skin," they sing.
Blaine manages to con Carole in to singing One Fine Day with him and they even get Burt to sing a couple of Springsteen songs.
"Well, would you look at us?" Carole laughs, "A family full of crooners – perhaps we should start a barber shop quartet?"
"Maybe if all our other plans fall through, Carole," Kurt amends.
It's late by the time Burt and Carole leave the room, Blaine doesn't even mind. He feels more sated and whole than he has is a very long time.
"I love your family," Blaine says to Kurt as they fall into bed. They turn to face each other and Kurt throws his arm over Blaine's waist to pull him in closer.
"Our family, honey. Our family," Kurt replies. And Blaine falls asleep with a smile on his face.
In the morning, he wakes up early enough to see the sun rising through the cracks of the blinds on Kurt's windows. The whole house is still asleep, nothing but the sounds of birds chirping and the gentle hum of the central A/C to break the silence.
Blaine lifts himself up and rests his cheek in his hand so that he can see Kurt. Yes, it's a terrible cliché and slightly creepy, but Blaine loves to watch Kurt sleep – his face to calm and his hair haloing behind him, the steady stream of sunlight floating in through the blinds highlighting his cheekbones, brow line, nose. It's like Kurt is the most perfect human being in the world.
It's dangerous to think this way, Blaine knows, but he really can't imagine a world where he doesn't love Kurt and where Kurt doesn't love him. He's thought about it a lot – the inevitability of them. There are hundreds of different ways they could have met – in college, at a wedding, at a funeral, at Regionals – but the point is, in those universes, they always met.
Kurt is a part of him in such an integral way that Blaine honestly believes without Kurt, a part, in not all, of him will cease to exist. And it's overwhelming to think that, at eighteen, Blaine has found his purpose in life – to love and cherish Kurt. Because Kurt is something precious and rare and so, so lovely.
Kurt's nose scrunches up and his eyes squeeze shut – a sign that he's waking up. Without opening his eyes Kurt smiles and says, "You're being a creeper."
Blaine laughs, but he doesn't say anything. Kurt opens his eyes to look up at Blaine. "Where are you right now?" he asks.
"I was just thinking about how much you terrify me," Blaine answers.
Kurt scowls, "Gee, thanks."
"No, not like that, babe. Just that – you could ruin me, Kurt." Kurt opens his mouth to reply, but Blaine cuts him off, "No, please, just let me get this out." Kurt nods.
"You know me better than anyone else in the world, Kurt. Sometimes I think you know me better I know me. And you know just how to love me and make me feel loved because of it. But you hold my life in your hands, Kurt. You know just how to tear me apart and break me for good. Every weak spot, every missing link – you're my Achilles heel in the best was possible.
"You could literally tear me apart with just a few choice words because coming from you, every insult, every truth, every lie hurts infinitely. And that scares the shit out of me, Kurt. It paralyzes me with fear. And I just – I need you to know how much power you have over me."
Kurt blinks and reaches up to caress Blaine's face, "I love you," he says. "And you need to know that you have that same power over me. This is a relationship of equals, Blaine. And the fact we know each other only serves to knowing how to love each other." Blaine grins and leans down to kiss him.
Kurt scrunches his nose, "Ew, morning breath."
"Get used to it," Blaine says, "You're going to have to wake up to this for the rest of your life."
Kurt smiles, all bright and beautiful, his whole being lighting up, "I don't think I mind one bit."
And Blaine – Blaine's hear soars because Kurt is his home and Blaine can't think of anywhere else to be.