Disclaimer: I do not own fairy tail

A FAIRY TAIL MAGE NEVER GIVES UP

*Present day*

Looking back I was strong for what I was, strong for whom I was, and who would have guessed this would happen. I had a partner, a team, my allies, my friends, my Nakama, but I hardly see any of them now. I went on missions, a day, a week, and sometimes two weeks long with my team or just me and my partner, it's been soo long now I can barely remember their faces or the thrill and fear we got from our missions. Currently, I live with Porlyusica, I try to help out round the house but she often scolds me for it, but I feel if I don't then I'm just a free loader, especially with all the help she gives me. The only visits I get are the occasional ones from Lisanna but since she became an S Class mage her visits are less frequent, she came by yesterday and told me about her coming job that she left for today, she'll be gone a month this time. But each day seems a lifetime even if the days fly by and merge. Really I'm not sure what is what anymore, or what I'm supposed to do.

*Past*

It all started round the just before the beginning of the year, I was on a mission with the rest of team Natsu as usual, the mission was to simply catch some bandits that were in the nearby forest we almost demolished, upon completing our mission we had decided to go back to the hotel for the night. I was tired and in a little bit of pain so I had took out my first aid kit for some pain killers or something to ease the pain; I had then ordered room service getting a late snack of Erza's beloved cake for her and some water for myself, by the time it arrived I felt awful, I was dizzy, my sight became a blurry mess, and I felt week, I also had a massive headache and felt sick to my stomach, I had acted fine, told Erza I was tired and was therefore going to get a shower before bed, Erza simply nodded and tucked into her cake, with her distracted I walked to the bathroom carefully, it felt more a stagger and my knees wanted to disappear on me. Putting the glass on the side I took out the painkillers from there hiding place in my pouch that held my keys.

I tried to take them, I really did but before I knew it I was on the floor coughing the glass broken and scattered, water soaking me, I think I called Erza a few times, but everything was hazy, at one point though if I did call it sounded louder more desperate than planned and there was a weird buzzing in my ears. Erza was by my side in a matter of minutes calling Natsu and Gray as she tried to help me up, but she soon stilled as I threw up, it wasn't sick and held no particular colour, just clear liquid, after throwing up I seemed to get some sight back to see the mess I had made on the bathroom floor, with this Erza was calling frantically for Natsu and Gray who soon burst into the room, after that I couldn't decipher any of their short conversation, everything went haywire, everything hurt, my legs hurt, they were on fire but felt like they were frozen, they were screaming to move but I couldn't feel them.

I hadn't passed out, my sight was back and I could see what was going on, I could hear what was going on, barely understanding, all I felt was pain, my legs were calling but when I tried to answer in moving them they didn't yield to my will, I was shaking, it hurt and my face felt wet, was I crying? I don't know, it was hot but cold, I was confused unsure of what was wrong with me. After a while something cold landed on my face, cold and rubbery, I would later find out that this was a doctor who had come to answer the emergency call Gray had made. He asked me something, I didn't understand, I could hear but I couldn't understand him even though it was my own language, he turned to Erza who left, soon after bringing a bowl of water with her, the doctor took it and placed it by the bed Erza had moved me to with the help of Natsu, they looked worried, I was scared.

The doctor took out a soaked flannel from the bowl and wrung it out before placing it on my head, it was cold, I was soo hot, and I shivered, someone was stroking my hair, Erza? I didn't know. Happy was crying, the doctor asked me how I was feeling, if I was hurt anywhere, I tried to tell him my legs were hurting but my voice had come out in a barely audible whisper, luckily Natsu translated, I know he did because my legs were then put into more comfortable position, I would have thanked god for deciding to wear shorts that day, but I was in too much pain, with my legs lifted into a higher position to make it look like I was sitting down but in a lying down position, I don't know when I did but I had eventually wondered off into a dreamless sleep like that.

Waking up the next day I was met by a series of concerned looks and questions including the doctor himself, I could recall the whole thing clearly. No one knew exactly what had happened to me, I didn't know myself and the doctor was confuse as to the symptoms that led to my collapse, other than a few cuts apparently from the glass and the drained feeling I had, I was quite refreshed, and so after eating, by doctors' orders to in case it was low blood sugar or something along those lines, we headed back to magnolia, my team however were still worried about me and came to visit me frequently at the time not like they didn't already but now they had a reason I couldn't argue with, after a few days I was completely the picture of health, and so we returned to our original roles. And I was fine completely healthy, then came the next month, I was sitting down in the guild talking with Lisanna when I suddenly felt a bit sick and dizzy, nothing to worry about, Lisanna asked if I was okay, that I looked pale, I said I was fine.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Within the next few minutes I had started shaking violently much to the notice of the guild, who thought Lisanna had said something to me, I tried to deny it, I stood up to defend against their sudden outburst, but as I did I was washed over in a pillar of pain, my legs had begun to scream at me again, I felt sick, it was stuck though, I couldn't breathe, the hyperventilation caused me to become dizzier than I was, my sight started to fade, the floor was cold, I was in a dessert, a frozen wasteland, I didn't know, I hurt too much to care. It was noisy, it was too quiet, my head hurt, my legs screamed, it was torture all over again. I recognised the sensation, and with that I threw up, I didn't pay any attention to what was happening around me, against my screaming body I was able to slither back slightly from my mess, my body hissed at me for doing so and I curled up into a small ball against my bodies demands and shut my eyes tight.

I blocked out the noise, concentrating on trying to convince my body that nothing was wrong, I didn't feel anything, not the person who had picked me up or the soft bed of the infirmary; I was too caught up in the pain. I felt something change, I recognised it as Wendy's magic, my sight cleared, my headache left, I didn't feel sick, I could feel my temperature stabilize, but I didn't stop shaking, my legs were still in an endless abyss of pain, they tried, they really did, but the only way out of the pain was to simply let myself fall into oblivion, I let sleep over take me, my mind being clear I could feel the exhaustion I hadn't noticed before sweep over me.

I was better when I woke up, no one could understand it, they were worried, and Lisanna became like glue, never letting me out of her sight, after a few weeks she went back to her routine, with the occasional visit to my house. It was month 3 and a bit, the girls and I were having a slumber party in fairy hills, and I had volunteered to cook. Levy Rescued me.

3 weeks later I was having a morning bath, I had just got out quite literally, Loki Rescued me.

3 weeks later on the train heading to a mission, just me, Natsu and happy, Natsu panicked and called for help.

Lisanna convinced me to go to the doctors, he was just as baffled, and we did blood tests, checked my blood sugar level, and did a physical examination, nothing turned up. I was then recommended to a neurologist and cardiologist, who put me in a machine for a scan and gave me a weeks' worth of heart monitoring, each time I went I took someone available with me, levy, Mira, Lisanna, Erza, even evergreen and Bisca, just someone who would be there with me, I didn't want to go on my own.

I had another episode while I was there once, Lisanna was trying to keep me conscious as the doctor quickly attached equipment to me to see if we could record anything, he also got some food and water for me to eat and drink, but I had no energy, I felt sick, but at least this time I wasn't.

There were several other times as well, once I almost drowned in the bath, and after once again being saved by Loki I made a mental note to have someone with me at all times, or at least nearby, Lisanna almost exploded at me for not telling her when Virgo spragged to the guild about the episodes I had when no one else was around. Makarov banned me from going on missions for 'health and safety' reasons, much to my displeasure, with that I somewhat confined myself to the house, except for when I went shopping for food, for a check-up or tests or whatever torture the doctors and specialists out me through.

I stopped caring about my appearance, I stopped caring for many things, and I even came to stop summoning my spirits to watch over me in this time of need, the days were shopping or hospital wasn't reserved were either spent sleeping, randomly cleaning, or writing, I had come to a stage where if I ever felt sick or dizzy for any reason, to just lie down and wait for it to pass over, or just sleep it off.

Lisanna noticed my lack of attendance at the guild and had found me lying in the middle of my floor, as if that wasn't enough, I hadn't bathed in a while frightened I may almost drown myself again, I didn't bother with my hair, I had no makeup on, and god knows what I had thrown on that day.

Because of this Lisanna became sort of my personal wall driver, she meant well she wanted me to come back to the guild healthy and smiling as was my usual self, but smiling was draining, I didn't feel any energy for it. My episodes had resulted in now being week, sometimes twice a week and something told me, they would become more frequent.

Lisanna's visits soon became the only thing I could rely on, needing help with practically every day chores, sometimes just needing assistance to stand up, I had sent my keys away, I knew Hibiki of blue Pegasus would find someone who could use them AND treat them well, it was heart breaking to do it, my spirits were furious with me, wanting to stay by my side and help me, but I still sent them away.

Now there was the problem of the rent, which was how I came to live at Porlyusica's house, asked by master Makarov she let me under her wing, she seemed touchy on the edges, a grouchy old woman, but it didn't take me long to figure out that she really let me in for curiosity of my undiagnosed illness that had left doctors, specialists and healing mages alike completely baffled. It was while living under her care, with her help in trying to find a cure for whatever these episodes were that my intuition proved true.

I got worse.

My illness now affected me every other day, Porlyusica had gone out of her way to the hospital to get me a pair of crutches to bring myself reliance back, instead they became chains, in trying to do things they cut off my arms blood circulation, lying on the floor became a task as the sticks would cause me to fall down instead, they didn't do much for keeping me standing during an episode, instead I fell atop of them bruising myself in the process, they were only good for after I got a little bit of strength back in which they helped me walk because let's face it, there was no way I could walk on my own anymore.

*Present day*

Currently it was a few weeks to July 1st which is my birthday, as I have already said Lisanna is out on a long term mission, and something inside me told me I was going to get worse while my only true support, my true pillar, the one who made me smile despite my lack of energy, I was going to get a lot worse while my best friend Lisanna was away.

I didn't want to be a burden, not to Lisanna, not to Porlyusica, not to my team, not to the guild, not to anyone. I just wanted all the pain to leave for good.

Porlyusica was out, picking herbs, and it was just lying there in the kitchen drawers; I knew they'd be angry, they' d be sad that I did such a thing, but really now, it isn't like my life means anything anymore, and I don't think I could bear it if my intuition was right and I did get worse, it's hell as it is. So I took it, and I made myself a bath, I didn't take of my clothes, I just got in the bath.

I took the blade, made a small slice on my arm and wrote on the wall in my own blood, pain to end pain, with that I cut both my wrists, it burnt it froze, it hurt, it stung, tears came to my eyes I almost passed out just from that, how pathetic I had become.

I placed my now severely cut up arms in the water, it was soon tainted pink with my oozing life, what was left of it anyway.

I relaxed despite the pain, and then I remembered.

Mother had become sick.

Mother became weak.

My father blamed me for her shaking.

I saw her collapse in trying to defend me.

Mother didn't last long.

My mother died months later.

Father blamed me for her death.

Is this what it was like for her, is this the pain mother went through, the staff had said it was an incurable illness of some type and not to worry, being too young I hadn't understood I thought she was just tired, she looked tired, I smiled slightly, mother had asked for several hugs from me before she died.

Life slowly slipped away from me and I began to panic, I wanted Lisanna, Porlyusica, Erza, Natsu, Gray, GODDAMIT ANYONE, I didn't want to go, not alone, I Missed my keys, I wanted to use them, I wanted to stay, wasn't my resolve when I left the mansion to be a FAIRY TAIL MAGE, not a helpless doll.

I tried to get out the water, I did try.

I was sorry, oh soo sorry.

I had failed them.

Everyone.

I want to go on a mission with them all.

I missed them.

Using my last ounce if strength which was next to nothing I used my blood soaked hand to write next to my suicide messages, Help, I'm sorry.

With that my arm collapsed into the water where I went under for the last time. And this time I didn't rise, no one was there, not for me, and all because I had not tried to live as I could, because I had without thinking accepted fate as it was handed to me, I didn't fight it, a Fairy Tail mage never gives up, but I had, and I would suffer for it.

When I woke up I found myself in a vaguely familiar place, the guilds infirmary. I was given a second chance at life, Mirajane was next to me, seeing me awake she quickly ran out, Makarov entered the room soon after, and I noted my bandaged arms, I looked up and met his, shocked, sad, happy eyes that also held a bit of fury in them. I smiled at him, and the guild members that flooded the room soon after, it was good to see them again.

Makarov was about to speak but I interrupted him.

"Your right" I spoke hoarsely, noting how dry I felt "a Fairy Tail mage doesn't give up "

We knew what was wrong with me now; it was an illness of the soul, brought on by stress that had built up from the time of my mother's death.

It turns out Hibiki had sent my keys to Makarov saying that he believed I would get better, I was scolded and kept under constant surveillance for weeks, and I got better, the crutches became unnecessary objects. When Lisanna came back I immediately gave her the biggest hug I could, and with that I felt content, but there was no way that contentment was content enough to die.

My keys were returned to me after my complete recovery, but I didn't escape their ear ache, I was let back into fairy tail which resulted in a fairy tail style party which I sweat dropped at, nothing's changed much, but I have, my love for my Nakama is stronger than ever, and I have something to live for.

I will live for not just my Nakama, but also for myself, I will fight whatever fate throws at me and help my friends when fate attacks them, I AM LUCY OF FAIRY TAIL , AND PAIN ONLY ENDS, IF YOU DON'T GIVE UP.

this fanfiction somewhat relates to my own health, the symptoms are exactly what i get, and her time period of getting worse is the same,

the order of the events isn't exactly the same though and obviously some events didn't happen to me, like drowning in the bath, i have a shower, which sadly today 20th july, i had to rush out of with shampoo in my hair and call for my mother before i collapsed on the upstairs landing

the pain i go through every other day due to my episodes are what inspired me for this, i tend to feel useless, and unlike in the story i, who use to not care about my appearance came to care a little, i constantly try to stay near family and somewhat recessed into my hug loving self.

sadly i don't know whats wrong with myself so i had to come up with something for Lucy.

anyways, i hope you enjoyed, please do tell me what you think of the story, it would be much appreciated