May 10th, 2011. Also known as Mother's Day. For most people today was a day of celebration, of excitement, of happiness, but none of those emotions ran through my veins. A year ago today I had a daughter, or to be more specific I was pregnant with my first child, I was sixteen. Getting pregnant in high school was definitely something I did not expect on doing I expected to be cheerleading and I thought I would be the perfect girl, perfect grades, perfect behavior and a perfect boyfriend. But all that perfection made my life fall apart in front of my very eyes. One simple mistake with my boyfriend's best friend made my life crack and break the pieces shattering to the ground in front of me. All the torture I used to dish out was brought back to me. I was bullied and slushie'd but I walked around my head held high, trying to keep that picture of perfection.
Mother's Day, damn the holiday let it rot in hell. Who could be thankful for a mother like me or a mother like my mother? I guess it runs in the family. My mom abandoned me when I needed her most she let me fall and then at the last moment tried to pick up my life and put it back together like a jigsaw puzzle. Well guess what mom I' not some type of toy. I have feelings and I need things. I needed you mom. I abandoned my daughter to. Leaving her just after her birth giving her to someone I barely knew, like mother like daughter I guess. I feel so ashamed, leaving her like that. I am a horrible mother; I was not fit to have children. I was made to be the bitchy cheerleader that everyone hated.
The worst part is…I know I could have done it. I could have taken care of her, I could have loved her, I could have been her mother. The person she confided in, the one she told everything to. I could have taken her to dance lessons and listened to her sing. Normal things that normal mothers do with their normal daughters I could have done with her, my Beth, my baby, my child. I still wonder a year later if it was a good decision to give her up, would I be happier, would she be happier knowing her real mother? The only ting I do know is that I could have done it. Beth will always be my first child and will always be her mother, not a good one, but her biological mother that thinks about her everyday, her mother that is sitting up at 5:30 a.m. on a lonely Mother's Day thinking about her. But the worst part is I have to face school and all my friends and all my teachers with daughter's or with children and all the stares as the former head cheerleader, the former pregnant looser walks down the hall on Mother's day with no child to talk about, just mourning one that is lost but not really gone.
Today School was not going to be my main priority, getting through the day would be. I threw on a pair o f worn out jeans and t-shirt not caring about how I looked I fixed my hair and put on some make-up. Mercedes waited downstairs for me a sympathetic smile on her face. Does she know what today is? I could tell that she was surprised by my choice of wardrobe. The ride to school was quiet when it was usually filled with chatter or gossip seeing as Kurt was usually in the car with us but today his dad had decided to give him a ride, mother's day was always tough for him to considering the circumstances. I feel kind of bad because I know how much the silence is torturing her.
" You all right Quinn?" she asked, tears in filled my eyes threatening to spill over.
" It's just hard you know, knowing that somewhere Shelby is with Beth dn they are all happy celebrating and stuff but I just can't find the will to be like that…I just… I know I could have kept her," I said scratching at my eyes trying to get the flow of tears to stop. " I wanted to, I want to know my daughter, Mercedes its Mother's day and a year ago I was pregnant, technically I'm a mother shouldn't I be happy?" She put the car in park and reached over and hugged me tightly as I sobbed clinging onto her.
" Girl, you know its not gonna be like that until you are married with kids of your own, you did it for Beth so she could be happy and I bet she is," I shook my head nd opened the car door.
" Its never gonna be okay," I said I was thankful for her words but I saw the doubt in her eyes when she said that and I could basically feel the apprehension in her voice. But I walked up the front steps of William McKinley High School with my head held high. Clutching at my backpack I made my way to the locker ignoring the stares that I always get. I felt a presence behind me and did not even bother to turn around
" Hi Puck," I said
" Hey, how are you?" he asked in his hands was a grape slushy that was soon going to be covering a younger boy's face, some things never change.
" Fine," I said shutting my locker and walking towards my first period class, Puck practically running behind me.
" Fine, my ass, I heard about your meltdown in the car this morning and Beth is my kid to but im not crying, I think its time or you to just get over it,"
" You don' get it do you," I said gritting my teeth " I carried Beth for nine months I dealt with the stares and the whispers and I love her even though she technically is not mine." I whipped around glaring at him " "Oh, and to top it all off it's mother's day," I said running into the girl's bathroom. I leaned on the sink and splashed my face with water, breathing deeply I heard the toilet flush in one of the stalls and a door creak open, the face of a girl with long brown hair approached me. Damn it, Rachel Berry. Her and me were not exactly friends but more like acquaintances I did not hang out with her but I did not want her to die. She approached me with that never ending smile plastered on her face. Turning on the faucet she took in my appearance and said
" You all right?"
" Why does everyone keep asking my that? I am absolutely fine. FINE!" I yelled glaring at her.
" Sorry, its just you looked upset and today must be hard for you, just thought I check cause you looked like you have been crying,"
" It's alright Rachel, I just keep getting the same questions over and over again, you okay? You all right? Its like would you be okay?" I said. She nodded understanding completely.
" I thought you should know though, I've been talking to my mom and she said that if you wanna write Beth a letter or something that when she gets old enough she will give it to her," Rachel said reaching out and toughing my shoulder. But I pulled her in and hugged her tightly.
"Thanks," I said
" No problem,"
The day passed quickly after the encounter with Rachel in the bathroom, all my friends would stop me in the hall and ask how I was doing, well except for Brittany she did not even know what day it was, it got annoying but I dealt with it and when Glee club began I knew there was something I had to do. Raising my hand I turned to Mr. Schuester and said
" Do you mind if I take a couple of minutes to sing something?" I asked knowing that there was something I had to get off my chest he shook his head and gestured towards the front of the choir room, slowly I stood up emotions racing through my body. I said, " As many of you know, today is Mother's day… and for some of us its hard for. A year ago today I was pregnant and I gave my baby up for adoption because I knew that she would have a better life with someone who is out of high school but I only got to meet her once and I love her, this is just a song I want to sing for her," I sighed and turned to the piano man gripping the microphone I started to sing.
In my daughter's eyes I am a hero In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal And when she wraps her hand It's hangin' on when your heart In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes
When I finished I Was welcomed with a loud applause and the Glee club was getting out of their seats to hug me. I know I had done something right. That night I went home and sitting in front of the computer I typed a letter to my child.
Dear Beth,
Hi, I would like to introduce myself, my name is Quinn Fabray I am seventeen years old and I am your mother.