It's dark. Emily lies in her bed, eyes wide open. She flinches at every sound. She hasn't slept in days. She can't even close her eyes, because that's when the Unspeakable Things happen. Her stomach stopped growling long ago, and her throat is so sore she can barely hear herself speak when she gives herself pep talks.
She used to give herself pep talks before big swim meets to calm her nerves. That's the only way she's been able to keep going now. She looks in the Fake Mirror in her Fake Room and repeats, "Everything is going to be okay. We are going to find a way out of here. Everyone is looking for us. They'll find us. They will." But she can never quite believe herself.
It's stupid, but even with all the terrible things she's seen in the dollhouse, the image most branded into her mind is Ali's face when the jury pronounced her guilty. She thinks of Ali curled up in her jail cell, scared and lonely, like she was those years on the run. She thinks of how she accused Ali of killing Mona and allowed the police to catch her instead of helping her run, and she can't help but think she deserves this. Not the other girls, they haven't done anything. But she, the one who was supposed to love Ali, the one that Ali trusted the most, betrayed her. She deserves to be punished for that.
The lights in her room click off, like they do every night for three minutes. Maybe she should try to go see one of the other girls. But she can't bear to see the hurt and anger in their eyes. Does Spencer know how many times she pressed her button? Does she know that she did it because Spencer is the strongest of them all?
Suddenly, the door to her Fake Room is flung open. Emily jumps backward in her bed, pulling the sheets over her chest. Not again, please, God…
"Emily?" whispers a scratchy voice.
She sighs in relief, leaning forward. It's only Spencer, not Him. Then her heart starts racing again.
"Spence, if he catches you…" she lets the statement hang.
"I know," Spencer says, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as she comes closer. "I know, but I just had to…I don't know. I needed to know that you're still you, really you, no matter what he tries to make us be." She sinks onto the bed beside Emily, eyes red, hair wild. She looks deep into Emily's eyes for a long moment. Then, perhaps finding what she is looking for, her gaze slips to Emily's chapped lips, tangled hair, her still-perfect swimmer's shoulders. She seems lost in thought.
"I don't think I am, Spencer. I'm not good." Emily says, ducking her head in shame. "This is all my fault. If I had just believed Ali, none of this would have happened. And I'm so sorry for hurting you. It kills me, every day, hearing you scream…" She sobs into her hand. "I hear your voice- not anyone else's- over and over. It never stops. I'm not strong like you. Mona knew that, Ali knew it, and now Charles knows, too."
"Em, no." Spencer grabs her hand, giving the door a nervous glance. "I don't blame you for this. This is no one's fault but his. And you are strong. You're the strongest of us all. I've always known it." She holds Emily's hand a moment longer, as if there is something else she wants to say. Shaking her head, she says, "I'm sorry, I have to go. He can't know I came or he'll be angry." Her hand trembles as she pulls away.
Spencer walks quickly to the door, then pauses. "I'll see you tomorrow night," she whispers. Then she's gone. Not fifteen seconds later, the lights return. Emily stays still, remembering the heat of Spencer's hand on hers. For the first time in days, she might finally be able to sleep.