Disclaimer: I do not own Once Upon a Time and will not be making any profit from this story.
A/N: Written as a birthday gift for my amazing friend, Kate, as inspired by a Skype conversation where she asked "But seriously, could you imagine a blonde Hook?" and that led to the idea of a Captain Charming prank war. Many thanks to my amazing betas without whom this story would have been stuck at the second paragraph.
With all of the strange things she'd seen in Storybrooke, and she'd seen plenty, Emma Swan never thought the oddest altercation she would bear witness to would involve hair dye. Yet here she was, having to mediate a conflict between her newly blonde pirate captain husband and blue-haired father, and suddenly she found herself wishing for some new fairy tale character to chase after.
The weekend had started innocently enough. A month after coming back from the Underworld, Mary Margaret suggested a nice spa getaway, for just the two of them. Until then Emma didn't even realize Storybrooke had a spa, but new businesses seemed to spring up in town out of nowhere all the time and the idea of not being on call for even just a few days was too tempting to give up, so she decided not to look that gift horse in the mouth. She had only gone back to work two weeks ago after holing up with Killian in their self-imposed house arrest and if she had to answer one more call from a drunken dwarf she was going to start turning them to stone again. As they said their goodbyes, while both men assured her not to worry and that everything would be fine, she really should have known better…
...because now. Well now she was standing over a pair she hardly recognized, as they rolled around on the floor. Though Emma was sorely tempted to just let them wear each other out, when she saw Killian's hook go towards her father's neck she knew it was time to step in.
"Okay, okay, that's enough," Emma said as she grabbed Killian's left arm, stopping him from doing any actual damage.
"You didn't need to do that, I was handling him just fine," David sneered
"As was I," Killian responded in kind.
"Uh, have either of you seen yourselves? You were not handling anything." Emma crossed her arms, looking at them skeptically. The two men sat against the back of the couch, scowling disdainfully at each other but at least no longer going at each other's throats.
"Now can we all just sit on the couch and discuss this like adults?" Emma asked, feeling more like a mother than she ever had in her entire life.
"Adults?!" David scoffed, pulling himself up by his elbow. "He dyed my hair blue!"
"He started it!" Killian countered while mimicking David's action.
"I don't care who started it, I want to know what happened!"
"Well, it all began when you and Mary Margaret left town," David started. "As it turns out, with the two of you gone there really isn't much to do."
"What, no joy riding dwarves to keep you busy?" Emma asked skeptically.
"Turns out they're more afraid of my hook than they are of your magic, love," Killian commented.
"Of course they are." Emma shook her head disdainfully. "So what? You took care of the dwarf problem and decided to play salon?"
"Henry was supposed to stay at Regina's for night but Baby Cora ran a fever, so she and Robin had to take her to the pediatrician…" David started
"And since it was a calm night we decided to take the lad." Killian finished for him as though the two hadn't just been fighting.
"Your husband suggested we play a game of dice, only he couldn't control his pirate impulses!" David spat through gritted teeth.
"You're just mad that you gambled away your wedding ring." Killian smirked.
"You cheated!" David waved his arms out wildly.
"Prove it, mate," Killian teased, waggling his eyebrows.
"I don't need to prove it, Henry told me how you did it!" David accused. "Besides, it's not like you were being subtle about it, no one is actually that lucky."
"I married your daughter, mate, so clearly I am." Killian winked at Emma, who rolled her eyes at her corny idiot of a husband.
"Oh you have got to be kidding me!" David seethed, turning red. He was just about to lunge towards Killian again when Emma put her hand out to stop him.
"So Henry told you that Killian was cheating at your game, then what?" Emma asked in an effort to bring the story back on track.
"Then Henry suggested a way to get back at him," David sighed. "It was childish and immature, I know, but by then we were already off duty and he had gotten into the rum and kept bragging about how he had my wedding ring, so I just couldn't resist."
"Killian, give my father back his wedding ring." It felt like the strangest command Emma had ever given in her entire life .
"Aye, love, as you wish," Killian nodded as he pulled the wedding ring from his pocket.
"There we go," Emma said with crossed arms. One problem down and one mystery solved. "So where exactly did you get the bleach?"
"Later that night after Killian passed out Regina called to check in on Henry and tell us how Baby Cora was doing. Henry got on the phone and asked for her advice, magically speaking. She was a bit reluctant at first, but when Henry told her who he planned to prank, she just said she would come over in twenty minutes," David explained. "When she got here she gave us a vial to pour into his shampoo and said we'd have ourselves a flaxen-haired pirate in no time."
"I should have known she'd be in on it," Killian muttered from his end of the couch.
"What I can't figure out is how you got access to hair dye!" David exclaimed.
"Oh, Ruby was more than willing to help a pirate in need," Killian explained, ever-present smirk in place. "Though I do have to give some credit to the lad as well - when I arrived at Granny's to pick up lunch the next day with this ridiculous new hairstyle the two of them were conversing over cocoa. Henry told me he knew the perfect way to gain back my honor after such an affront and Ruby had the means to go about my vengeance. Once I had the dye, Henry snuck into the loft and poured it into Dave's shampoo. I even made sure to 'accidentally' tackle him while we were out on a call so he would have to shower as soon as he returned to his loft."
"You said you saw someone coming towards us!" David accused, eyes wide.
"In the middle of a clearing with no one around for miles?" Killian shot David an incredulous look.
"B-but…" David stammered.
"Perhaps you're not quite as perceptive as I thought you were," Killian scoffed. "Did you also fail to realize that the item we were called to retrieve was easily within view not five minutes after we got there?"
"Are you saying it was a fake call?" David furrowed his brow.
"Of course it was!" Killian proclaimed with a small laugh "I bribed Smee into placing it with a few bottles of ale. I didn't think you'd fall for it but you were so busy laughing at my hair that you clearly missed all of the signs."
Emma listened to the two men go back and forth, each so convinced that they had the upper hand on the other that they were missing the one clear common factor in both of their stories.
"Boys!" she shouted, getting the attention of both of them. "Just out of curiosity, how old are each of you?"
"Well that's rude, love!"
"I am your father!"
The responses were predictable and delivered simultaneously. The two men started at her, mouths agape as they waited to see where she was going with her line of questioning.
"I was wondering because it seems that even with your considerable ages neither of you noticed that you both got played by a thirteen year old boy." Emma smirked, thoroughly enjoying the looks on their faces as the realization set in.
"That little…" David started, shaking his head.
"...scoundrel," Kilian finished, the grin of an all-too-proud step-father on his face.
"What are we going to do about this?" David asked sternly.
"Oh don't worry, I know exactly how to deal with him," Emma assured them. "Why don't you just start by going home and facing your wife?"
"Alright, but if you need my help…" David commented as he got up and walked towards the door.
"Yeah, yeah, we'll let you know," Emma responded as she ushered him out the door. "Make sure you take pictures of Mary Margaret's reaction to your hair!"
Once she closed the door she took a deep breath before turning around to walk back and face her husband. He was looking up at her with a genuine curiosity that, combined with the newly blonde hair, just made him look even more pathetic than he had when she first came home and saw the mess.
"Looks like there's another thing we're sharing," Emma teased as she ran her fingers through his newly blonde locks.
"Aye, love." Killian nodded against her palm. "Do I still look as dashing as before?"
"You will always be my dashing rapscallion," Emma assured him, leaning forward to give him a kiss that started off as gentle but soon turned into much more. Killian threaded his hand through her hair, whispering how much he'd missed her before pressing his lips to hers. She was so lost in the feeling of the kiss that she didn't hear the sound of the door opening.
"Oh, uh, I can come back later…" Henry stammered, averting his eyes from the pair.
"Henry, no, I actually wanted to talk to you!" Emma said as she shot up from the couch, walking over to stop her son from leaving.
"No, I don't want to interrupt you guys. It's really not a problem, I should be working on a school assignment, I just came by to pick up my books." Emma's internal lie-detector was going off like crazy at this point.
"A school assignment?" she asked skeptically.
"Yeah, it's on the Civil War," Henry doubled down.
"Well that's a shame because I was gone all weekend and I really missed you so I thought we could all order in some take-out and have a nice dinner, maybe watch a movie…" Emma said with fake innocence, trailing her hand up and down the bannister. "But if you're too busy working on your project then I guess we won't be able to do that."
"We can still do that, the project isn't due until next month!" Henry declared happily.
"Great, so why don't you pick a place for dinner and while we wait for the food to get here, you can tell me all about how you tricked your step-father and grandpa into dyeing each other's hair." Emma smirked.
"Busted," Henry sighed, bowing his head.
"Come on, kid, did you really think you could get away with that one?" Emma asked, putting her arm around her son.
"I just thought with everything that we had to go through lately, it would be a nice change to have a few harmless pranks. Am I in a lot of trouble?" he asked nervously.
"No." Emma shook her head, squeezing her arm tighter around Henry.
"I'm not?!"
"He's not?!"
"You're not in trouble because you have a cool mom who can appreciate a good prank," Emma explained, "and you're going to help me pull a prank of my own."
"Awesome! Who are we pranking?" Henry's eyes lit up.
"You can't be serious, love," Killian commented incredulously.
"I'm incredibly serious, and you're helping with the prank," Emma responded "Do you have any more of the hair dye from Ruby?"
"Aye, she gave me a few colors to choose from."
"Great, go get them and we can pick a new color for Robin," Emma ordered. "I think it's time he had a makeover as well." When he realized she truly meant what she was saying, Killian practically raced up the stairs to the bedroom to procure the necessary items.
"We're pranking Robin?" Henry asked cheerfully.
"That depends, do you think you can sneak into his bathroom at Regina's house and get the dye in his shampoo?" Emma asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Come on, Mom, you know I can." Henry rolled his eyes at the very suggestion.
"Then we're pranking Robin," Emma confirmed. "Can't have my husband running around town looking like that while Regina's boyfriend looks normal, especially since I know she helped you out."
"I have green and purple left, though I personally think the green is the better choice, given his proclivity for running around in the forest," Killian called out as he descended the staircase, holding the boxes of hair dye in his right hand.
"What do you think, is green a good choice?" Emma asked Henry.
"It's perfect," he responded with a grin.
Between the hair dye and their cover story, it took them an hour to get everything ready. Henry would go to Granny's to pick up dinner and on the way back he would stop by Regina's house for a quick visit. While he was there he would covertly plant the hair dye in the shampoo bottle and go back to Emma's house for the night. The plan wasn't entirely foolproof, but it was a risk Emma was willing to take. Even if Henry got caught by Regina, she figured there was still a fifty-fifty chance he would be let off the hook by his other mother.
"Are you really going to let him off that easily, Swan?" Killian asked as soon as Henry was out the door.
"Who said anything about him being let off easy?" Emma asked in response.
"Sorry, love, I'm not quite following your thinking." Killian furrowed his brow.
"I'm still punishing him, I just needed to make sure he would be out of the house long enough to not get caught myself," Emma explained. "Now let's go put the purple dye in his shampoo bottle before he comes back!"
"You are ruthless, love!" Killian let out a hearty laugh.
"What can I say? I married a pirate captain, some of that rubbed off on me," Emma teased, sticking out her tongue before racing up the stairs, Killian not far behind her.
The next morning, Emma and Killian made sure to wake up extra early so as not to miss Henry's reaction. The loud scream that came from the upstairs bathroom five minutes after the shower turned off did not disappoint them.
"Mom! Killian! My- my hair!" Henry pointed to his amethyst colored locks. "It's purple!"
"Well that's a shame, lad," Killian commented with false sincerity. "How unfortunate that someone messed with your hair without your consent."
"Okay, okay," Henry raised his hands in a sign of surrender. "I've learned my lesson. Hair dye is a powerful magic not to be messed with. I'm sorry I pranked you, Killian."
"Consider yourself forgiven," Killian tapped Henry's shoulder with his hook. "Besides, I've thought about it more and I've come to the conclusion that you were right. We did need something to distract us from our most recent troubles."
"Thanks, Killian," Henry said before stepping forward to hug the pirate.
Emma mouthed a "thank you" to Killian for being able to give her son the little bit of levity that he so badly needed.
"Of course," Killian mouthed in response, giving Henry a pat on the back before letting go.
"So are we still on for our planned breakfast at Granny's to see if everything worked out at the other end of our prank?" Emma asked, making her presence known to Henry.
"Yeah! I'll be ready in ten minutes!" he responded enthusiastically.
When they got to Granny's, the sight they were greeted with did not disappoint. Not only was Robin sporting a brand new, forest green hair color, he was holding court over a band of his Merry Men trying to work out an explanation for it - hair dye clearly not being something found in the Enchanted Forest.
"...which is why I think there must be a new curse of some sort going around. First it hit Killian, then David, now me and…" he stopped when his line of sight fell on Henry. "Oh gods, Henry, not you, too!"
Emma tried as hard as she could to keep from laughing but it was impossible to not let at least a snicker pass through when Robin leapt out of his seat and started to interrogate her son about everything he did in the last twenty four hours so they could figure out what was causing this to happen to all of them and how they could prevent it from striking again.
"I know you had something to do with this," Regina commented, startling Emma.
"I know you had something to do with Killian being a bleach blonde," Emma responded, eyebrow raised.
"I would keep a very close eye on my shampoo bottle if I were you," Regina threatened.
"Go ahead," Emma returned her volley "But keep in mind that I can just as easily get to yours, and if it makes Henry smile like that, I will have no hesitation about doing it."
Emma pointed to where Mary Margaret was now taking a picture of Henry, David, Killian and Robin, the four looking utterly ridiculous with their altered hair but also smiling more broadly than they had in months. And after everything they had gone through - Camelot, both her and Killian being Dark Ones, the endless trials of the Underworld - if having crazy colored hair was the way to make everyone feel normal and happy again, then pass Emma a box of the red.