A/N: hey, so this is my first DGM fanfic, so sorry if the characters are a little out of sync at first, but I'll try my best.

Warnings: violence and gore, mostly, some swearing mostly on Neah's and Kanda's part, or so far anyway, and the exploring of Allen's character and making him suffer.

Also, Allen is trans, and I know that's uncommon with how hetero the manga and so fanbase mostly is, as there are more commonly, *cringe* femAllening, which this is not, this is Allen being trans male, so if you can't handle that then click on something else. If you can, stick around, you might learn something new.

Hope you enjoy, I would love reviews and critiques, not flames really but I'd still probably read them. Again, have fun! *Evil laughter*

- oOXXOo -

Allen is drifting, broken apart in a million different pieces and hovering, the individual shards of self floating and shifting aimlessly in a vast, endless black void; the pieces of his mind all replaying the events that had happened previously to get him in this state.

While in his cell under Black Order HQ, restrained magically with CROW restraints and chains, talking with Link, the thought: could it be, that if I knew, things would change? And the 14th's resurgence right then and there, heat and pain enveloping his body, consciousness wavering in a sea of black before his eyes.

Link's concerned face before him. The door to the cell opening, a bespeckled man entering his cell, Link entrusting him to his care while some instinct inside Allen screamed, No, don't, danger-!

The man, no the creature, plunging his hand into his arm, the CROW restraints breaking, his arm going haywire as the creature's essence entered his arm, painpainpainrevulsionpain-

Moments pass in ever quicker succession in the remains of Allen's shattered mind: Link's fall, defending him, how feathers had sprouted and shifted in his eyes.

Allen's attack, body unable to move other than to stand, his horror as the man, the monster in the guise of a kindly bespeckled man, continued to stand with Allen's cape piercing his head, talking to him, 'you don't need to be afraid. You're just going to become one with me.'

The chillingly calm voice.

Allen's disgust and revulsion at the idea, but also his weakness, his chains binding him, his body in agony and weakened, his innocence unresponsive and difficult to control, Allen unable to fight back as the monster grabbed him and held him to his chest.

Then, the darkness lurking inside him roared to the forefront, pushing Allen to the side and nearly swallowing him.

Anger and bloodlust leaked from the 14th to him, the 14th roared in outrage, attempting to summon the Ark while punching the monster and sending it back a few feet.

Something- went wrong.

The rest of the CROW restraints on the walls of the room trying to hold back the power of the Ark, mostly failing.

Allen felt it as the warm bright power of the Ark, instead of materializing into a Gate, bubbled up inside of his chest instead.

It flooded his body with warm energy, filling his veins, nerves, muscles and bones to overflowing, toomuchtoomuch, he felt as though he was going to burst.

He does.

His body, mind, and soul shattered into a million pieces, scattering from the material realm to someplace in-between, a vast void-like space, endless darkness all around him.

He drifts, wafted by an invisible wind, the shattered and jagged pieces of his self amassed in roughly the same space shifting and sliding, bobbing in the ethereal wind, clanging together and then resonating with each other.

Allen has no idea how long he drifts like that, terrified he'll be stuck like this forever, before all the individual pieces of him feel a pulling and rushing sensation, the pieces of himself clattering against each other and then clicking back into place as light rushes up to meet him-

-and his back hits a hard, grainy surface, all his senses slow to come back to him.

- oOXXOo -

The first thing Allen's newly pieced together senses register is the heat, and his heartbeat jumps in his chest, he's doing it again-! Before he realizes the heat is coming from outside of his body, not inside, beating down on him in a pervasive air, making him glad for once that he's not wearing long sleeves.

The second thing he registers is a feeling: pain, encompassing and wrapping around his chest and shooting knives into his back, but at least they let him keep his binder while in the cell in the first place.

He ignores it, pushing the pain to the side and to the back of his mind, fading from his awareness.

Sometimes, Allen considers as he enjoys being corporeal again, it's sort of scary how I am so used to physical pain from the constant battles, that I can shove the pain to the side and ignore it to keep fighting.

It might even be dangerous, a voice whispers, after all, pain is there to let you know that something is wrong with your body.

Dangerous and scary, but useful, he decides.

The third stimuli, his skin tells him, ground underneath him, grains of sand as he shifts invading his clothes and irritating skin.

Alarmed, Allen jerks up into a sitting position and opens his eyes.

His simple enjoyment of being a living being with 5 senses and flowing blood in his veins, instead of shattered pieces of himself in a horrible, empty space, is replaced by alarm as harsh light stabs into his eyes, causing them to water until he tilts his head and his eyes adjust.

The first thing he sees is sand.

He looks in another direction, seeing more sand, turns his head as far as it will go behind him: more sand.

Sand as far as he can see in all directions, vast, endless rolling hills of bright yellow sand, dotted with cacti and shrubbery, large sand dunes and tall juts of rock, dark with shadows in the distance, baking in the harsh sun.

Where the hell am I?!

A wry voice answers, In the middle of a desert, obviously.

Allen freezes for a second, heart in his throat, before realizing that was his own thought, not the 14th's.

Though that particular voice hadn't spoken for a while, he had nearly forgotten about it, a guilty part of him hoping it would disappear altogether.

Rubbing his sore chest, Allen gets to his feet, looking around again at the vast expanse of sand in every direction, with the occasional spiky or prickly plant strewn in bunches or standing lonesome all throughout the dunes that he doesn't feel like braving to try to eat, he's not that desperate yet, he just had some of Jerry's food given to him a little while ago.

(he thinks, though it's hard to be sure how much time passed in that void-like space, but can he even digest food while in that space, when he didn't have a stomach at the time?)

Attempting to gauge his direction by the position of the sun, like Master had tried to teach him when Allen frequently getting lost became too troublesome, but he's lousy at it, and couldn't remember how, couldn't remember much of anything, the sun beating heat and confusion into his temples.

Did the sun rise from the East or the West?

And how am I supposed to figure out how to go from there anyway?

Or, wait, maybe it was actually the stars that you're supposed to be able to navigate with?

He finally gives up when his thoughts begin to run in circles like a stray and scraggly dog chasing it's tail, picking a random direction to start walking in.

As he walks, or rather limps and struggles up and through sloping dunes of sand that were treacherous for feet to slog through at best, sand sinking and shifting under his scantily clad feet, the manacles around his ankles attached to chains dragging behind him hindering his progress further and clanking faintly as he walks.

Allen remembers, as he trudges up and down slopes, sand blowing into his eyes, the thought he'd had right before the 14th had resurged, 'could it be, that if I knew, things would change?'

Well, there's only one way to find out about the 14th out here.

He was nervous, but walking soon became monotonous and uncomfortable, heat beating down in waves sending sweat rolling down his skin and in between folds in his clothes, including his binder, sand blown into his clothes by the wind and sand grains glued to cloth with sweat scraping against skin and irritating the flesh, the desert sands unchanging around him making it seem he was making no headway in his forward trek.

So, carefully, hesitantly, he probed inside of himself as he had never tried to before, always trying to deny that anything was there, and ignore what was too blatantly obvious to not notice, searching for the darkness lurking inside of him, asking a question in his mind as though addressed to someone there and feeling quite silly but terrified at the same time, why did he think this was a good idea again?

'14th? Are you there?'

Still feeling ridiculous as he does so, hoping for and dreading and not really expecting an answer.

'It's Neah, you idiot! Or had you forgotten?'

A voice snaps at him, resounding throughout his head, Allen loses the long strides he'd been taking, feet faltering, that last barb befuddling his already heat-addled mind because, forgotten? That his feet get tripped up in a tangle of chains and stubbed toes as he stumbles over a rock and falls flat on his face into the sand, the fall making him close his eyes if not his mouth, still open in shock.

Wild laughter echoes around inside his mind as Allen levers himself onto his elbows, "Yeah, go ahead, laugh," he grumbles sourly after spitting out a mouthful of sand, sand grains still gritted in his teeth.

He then pauses as the 14th- Neah -pauses in his laughter to make a comment.

'Nice,'

He remarks, and keeps laughing, free and as if he hadn't laughed in a long while.

This surprises Allen, the only thing he can really recall a Noah ever laughing about sincerely on hand was the harm of himself or others or other twisted things, Road coming to mind immediately as she giggles and licks a candle, sharpened point stained in Allen's blood.

It shames him, that other people and even he himself can think of him as a kind person, when he can so easily judge a race of people so callously as to be surprised when one of them isn't laughing about blood and death.

(Though if he thinks more closely, Allen does recall Tyki laughing good-naturedly that time Allen cheated him and his human friends at poker.)

And most of the time he thinks he is a kind person, outwardly at least, his mask of kindness enough to fool even himself over time, until moments like these when he remembers, that years ago, before, well, before Mana, he had been a very different person, and that that person was sometimes still prevalent at his core, staining his judgement and perceptions at times.

But it's all just a construct, a voice whispers, a mask, something you crafted and grew into over time.

Pushing those thoughts aside as the last of Neah's chuckles subside, Allen replies.

'Neah, then. What do you mean by 'forgotten?' This is only the second time we've talked.'

The 14th is silent, then, it feels like Lavi hits him with his hammer, he falls back heavily from where he'd crouched back on his knees, ears ringing, the skin that he can see darkening to dusky grey, the world spinning, heat smothering him from the inside out as his vision darkens.

Recognizing what is happening as heat knifes through his body and his whole left arm throbs from shoulder to fingertips, Allen gasps out frantically, "N-neah, w-wait, I thought, I th-th-thought w-w-we…"

But he trails off as his mind begins to fuzz and cloud, only sensing the 14th's anger as a dark force rifles through his mind, sending it spinning, and dizzying waves of nausea stab through his gut, Allen barely able to keep his previous food down, fighting to stay conscious.

Then suddenly, everything stops, the world jolting back into place and rushing back to him.

Allen gasps in relief as the dark purplish aura hanging above slowly dissipates, dusky grey retreating from his skin, the burning in his body and throbbing in his arm slowly ease and stop, Allen gasping in breath after panicked breath as his stomach settles and begins to grumble in protest, and Allen's breathing evens out.

Allen staggers to his feet, legs shaky and weak, and that's when he realizes he's surrounded.

A/N: And that's the first chapter. And it's a cliffhanger! Which I myself as a reader dislike and did not intend to write, but it just seemed like a good place to stop, instead of writing the whole desert Arc all in one chapter like I had first planned, what was I thinking?

Next chapter: Chapter 2: Change, warnings for blood and gore and a traumatized Allen. Please review! I can't get any better at writing if I don't know what I need to improve on.

Especially since unlike with my other stories, this one is only beta'd by myself, and while I'm mostly good with spelling and grammar, I tend to mess up tenses. A lot. (though I've gotten a lot better since beta'ing with my sibling and asking why they changed what they did and how it was wrong and stuff.) So please review and tell me if you spot any mistakes!

Also, about the next chapters, I have the next three and most of the fourth one written out, but I write it on paper first because the flow is better that way (plus I'm a slow typer, so I might even forget what I was about to write if I wrote on the computer) so I still need to type up the second and third chapters and finish writing the fourth one.