Rating: T (PG-13)

Genre: Humor, romance. Two sentences of angst, nothing important.

Status: One-shot (complete).

Timeline: AU (normal world).

Pairings: Allen/Kanda, small hint of Lavi/Lenalee

Disclaimer: DGM belongs to Hoshino, the song "If you were gay" belongs to Avenue Q. The crack-level needed to unite both is mine. XD

Beta: Nop. As English isn't my first language, any comment/correction is more than welcome.

Notes: Some conversations with sharona1x2 and questofdreams reminded me I should try to write more in English. For that, and as we're in the month of their birthdays, I dedicate this fic to them.

A silly idea that I'm sure has been done before, but I wanted to do my own version. So, credits for whoever invented this many years ago... XD

WITH THE HANDS IN THE COOKIE JAR

*ring~ring*

"Hello."

"Yuu-chan!"

*click*

...

*ring~ring*

"You better have the most important news in the universe, stupid rabbit, because I'm too busy to listen to your babbling."

"You know, you could've been in so much trouble if it had been someone from work instead of me."

"What. The. HELL. Do. You. WANT!?"

"Why should I tell you now? You don't wanna 'listen to my babbling'."

"Tsk. Don't start to get all offended. You don't use the phone to chitchat with me, because you know I won't stand for it. The fact you called twice shows you actually have something important to communicate. So start talking or next time I see you I'll make your good eye match the other one."

"Jeez, someone is grumpier than usual! Good thing I'm calling with the solution. What time do you want me to pick you up?"

"...What?"

"Pick-you-up! You know, the verb used when a wonderful redhead person wants to make a favor for his grumpy best friend and offers the services of his car."

"Lavi..."

"You don't know the word? I guess I can try to explain it in Japanese, but it won't come out very good, I only know the basics."

"I swear, you..."

"Err, ore wa..."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAMN RABBIT!"

"...I knew you were more grumpier than usual."

"You aren't exactly helping. And you should already know I'm not going anywhere if you're driving."

"Hey! I happen to be a very good driver!"

"Is Lenalee going with you?"

"Yeah..."

"That means you'll be in 'stupid mode' and trying to drive at the same time. No way in hell I'll go through that experience, thank you very much."

"Then how do you plan to get to the theater?"

"I'll be taking the... I mean, what theater? I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, stop playing the oblivious card. You know exactly what I'm talking about: the theater where Allen is giving his piano concert tonight."

"And what makes you think I give a damn about the beansprout's concert?"

"Dunno. Maybe the fact that you always turn down his invitations, but you end up appearing anyway. You get in the exact minute they turn off the lights, stay in the back of the hall (with an unusual calm expression in your face, I guess it's the effect Allen's music has on you); and leave as soon as you see the first person stand up to applaud."

"You're crazy. Or having hallucinations. Aren't rabbits supposed to have a good eyesight because of all those carrots they eat?"

"Well, look at that, Yuu-chan has sense of humor after all! But you know better than doubting my observation skills. Anyway, all that secrecy is hurting Allen."

"Huh?"

"Yeah. He smiles, insults you and says it's better for him if you're not there bringing him bad luck. And you know what? While he does all that, he looks anywhere but at me, because he knows I'm able to see the sadness in his eyes."

"......"

"I was getting a bit tired of the situation, so I tried to explain to him about you actually going to his concerts..."

"YOU WHAT?!"

"But, can you believe it? He didn't believe a word of it."

"OF COURSE HE DIDN'T! THE BEANSPROUT CAN TELL YOU ARE JUST MAKING UP A BUNCH OF SHIT!"

"Whatever. I won't allow you to hurt his feelings again today. You're coming to the theater with us, you'll sit in the front row where Allen can see you, he'll realize you do care about him, and at the end of the show he'll be brave enough to confess his love for you."

"This is unbelievable. Do you know how absurd that sounds? The beansprout would never feel anything for me other than hate."

"Why not? You fell for him, why can't he do the same?"

"EXCUSE ME?"

"Aww, Yuu-chan, it's ok. You don't need to hide it anymore. And don't worry, I'm open-minded, so you don't have to worry about losing my friendship."

"I've never wanted your friendship in the first place. Now stop with all this nonsense or..."

"How did that song go? Oh, yeah. If you were gay, that'd be okay; I mean 'cause, hey, I'd like you anyway~"

"I'm not-"

"If you were queer, I'd still be here, year after year, because you're dear to meeee~"

"OK, OK! Would you finally shut up if I admit my feelings for the fucking beansprout?!"

"IT'S ALLEN! ...Wait, you like me?"

"...Lavi, please tell me you've become an impersonator in your free time."

"Nop, but I've learned how to use the 'conference' option on the phone. A difficult thing, mind you, when the third caller hangs up on you."

"Difficult for you? What about poor Allen! I had to stay quiet while you two talk about me!"

"Beansprout! You knew about his plan?"

"Of course he did. I told you already, he wouldn't believe me so it was my duty to give him proof. I can't believe I had to sing to make you talk, Yuu-chan; but at least it worked out. I'll leave the lovebirds alone for now, you can thank me later."

*click*

"grumblegrumblekillthefuckingrabbitgrumblegrumble"

"Kanda?"

"What."

"I like you too."

"Tsk. Save it for the after-show dinner, beansprout."

"It's Allen, baKanda. And we don't have an after-dinner, I'm a newbie so there isn't enough budget."

"That's bullshit. Tradition dictates the artist must be invited to dinner after his performance."

"Wait... Are you asking me on a date?"

"Call it whatever you want, beansprout, now take it or it leave it."

"*giggle* I'd better start getting ready, then. See you tonight, Kanda."

"Che."

*click*

-The End-