Super, SUPER belated exchange fic for RocksCanFly, who is a superior human being and deserves better.
Life's a Beach
10:42 Friday morning – Harper, Jr. Residence
"Morning," Artemis greeted, feet on Roy's table, nose in his newspaper. "I made coffee."
Roy rubbed his eyes in his bedroom doorway, half-dressed and hair in disarray. Star City had decided not to be foggy today, it seemed, and the sunlight in his kitchen was a little intense.
"What a lovely surprise," he mumbled. "Please, come in, make yourself at home."
"Late patrol?" Artemis asked, ignoring the other archer's sarcasm.
Roy walked over and plopped into the chair opposite her, reaching for her mug (which was actually his mug, dammit).
"Something like that."
"You might want to replace your lock, by the way," said Artemis from behind the newspaper. "It only took me like forty seconds to pick it, and that's not even my specialty."
"You have a key," he objected, taking a sip of coffee.
"Yeah, but what fun is that?"
"Missing criminal life?" a new voice cut in, sounding amused. Artemis set aside the newspaper to smile at Kaldur as he stepped into the kitchen, barefoot and bare-chested. His hair had grown back, she noted to herself – that was nice. Made him look more like big brother Kaldur, less like crime boss Kaldur, whom they'd left on the sub some months ago at the conclusion of their undercover mission.
"Different kind of late night, then, I take it," Artemis remarked to Roy, who scowled at her in response.
"We did patrol, I'll have you know," he told her. "But Li was staying with Ollie and Dinah anyway, yeah, so sue us for taking advantage of an empty apartment."
"No judgment," said Artemis, laughing. "Believe me, when Wally turned back up, it's not like we went more than eight and a half minutes without – "
" – what time are we expected at the beach?" Kaldur asked pointedly as he took a mug down from the cupboard.
Roy laughed, finishing off Artemis's coffee and setting the mug back down.
"One thirty," he said. "Ish. M'gann said she told people two, but I figure we should show up early, help set up."
"And you have already called to order the items we are supposed to bring?" asked Kaldur, pouring himself a mug of coffee. Artemis quickly snagged the empty one from the kitchen table and passed it over the counter to the Atlantean, who obligingly refilled it and passed it back to his accomplice.
"Yes," said Roy, rolling his eyes. "Did it yesterday. Friendly reminder that this is a birthday party for a three-year-old, Kaldur, not a showdown that'll determine the fate of the world."
"I don't know," said Artemis. "Inviting Wally to a party without cake could swing things into life-and-death territory pretty quickly."
Roy raised his eyebrows and his mug – she had a point.
"Forgive me if I want Lian's celebration to go well," said Kaldur, settling into the third kitchen chair with his coffee. "My duties may be different now than they were a year ago, but that does not mean I intend to take them any less seriously."
"Christ," Roy muttered.
"I think he's messing with you," Artemis told him beneath her breath, but even she didn't look sure.
A knock at the door had all three looking to the front of the apartment a moment later, and after a brief battle of eyes, Roy sighed and stood up to answer it.
"Hey," Wally greeted, a wide, flat box beneath his arm and a backpack hanging off one shoulder. "Good to see you, man. How've you been? I brought pastries. I mean I was going to bring pastries, but then I ate most of them, but then I got more because I figured you'd be mad that I ate them. Do you even like pastries? I can't remember. But come on, who doesn't like pastries?"
"I swear you've started talking even faster since your dimension-hopping adventure," Roy mumbled, stepping backwards to get out of Wally's way as the speedster zipped into the apartment to plant a kiss on his fiancée's cheek.
"What kind of pastries?" Artemis asked skeptically, eyeing the box.
"Plain butter, blueberry, raspberry, chocolate almond, and cinnamon apple."
She nodded in satisfaction.
"Good work, nerd."
"Good morning," Kaldur greeted Wally. "Would you like coffee?"
"Absolutely not," Artemis answered for him, opening the box to hunt down a croissant. "Last time I let him drink that shit, he literally set the carpet on fire with his pacing."
"I see."
"Toss me a blueberry danish, West," requested Roy, hurriedly throwing his hands out to catch the pastry as the younger man complied with blink-quick speed.
"You want one, Kaldur?" asked Wally, holding the box open.
Kaldur eyed the contents dubiously.
"I suspect the day will contain plenty of sweets as it stands, but thank you."
"Suit yourself."
"Don't," Artemis requested, waggling her eyebrows at Kaldur. "I like the view better this way."
"Why do we put up with them?" Roy asked Wally, looking lamentingly down at his breakfast.
Mouth full of pastry, the speedster just shrugged and grinned.
12:04 Friday afternoon – streets of Star City
"I hope we got enough balloons," Roy deadpanned, checking the external car mirror. There was no point in checking the internal one – all space not occupied by his station wagon's three passengers was currently taken up by the many colorful inflatables they'd manage to cram inside, the remainder of which were trailing out the back like some surreal tail.
"Lian will be pleased," said Kaldur, looking serene in the front seat as a neon orange balloon gently bopped against the side of his face.
"What's next?" Wally asked from the back, voice muffled and distorted.
"Costco," said Roy. "Burgers and hot dogs, plus all the snack shit. Should be a pack-out so we can just toss it in the back."
"Yeah that's not gonna happen," Artemis's voice said flatly from beyond the wall of latex. "You couldn't fit a half a vegetable tray in here right now. Drop me and Wally off by the apartment – we'll take the balloons over in the Civic and meet you there by one."
"Sounds good," said Roy, flipping his turn signal and casting a useless glance to the right – he couldn't see a damn thing. "Kal, any prayer I can get into that lane right now?"
"You are welcome to pray," said Kaldur, shrugging.
Side-eyeing his partner, Roy angled the station wagon to the right and nudged the gas.
"You'd better hope balloons make good airbags, asshole."
1:43 Friday afternoon, Half Moon Bay
"Sunscreen, anyone?" M'gann asked brightly.
The balloons were secure, tied to picnic tables and cooler handles and staircase railings; one or two had already begun to lose their helium in the summer sun, but goodness knew they had enough to convey an appropriately festive atmosphere, with or without a few duds. The burgers and salads were safe in the coolers. Further down the sand, Roy had just started to coax the grill to life.
"I'll pass, but thanks," said Artemis. "After six months at the bottom of the ocean, I could use the vitamin D."
"But I've read that if humans stay outside during summer without proper protection – " M'gann began, but Artemis just laughed, cutting her off.
"You know, given what I've chosen to do with my life, not wearing sunscreen doesn't really top the list of things I'm worried about," she remarked. "It doesn't really rank at all, actually. But thanks, M'gann, I appreciate the concern."
"I'll take some," said Conner, prompting looks from just about everyone else – the guy was literally powered by the sun. Hardly surprising that he'd volunteered, though, all things considered...not that they were talking about that.
By the grill, others were behaving similarly predictably.
"Maybe let's not eat all the snacks before anyone else gets here," Roy suggested to Wally as he retrieved the lighter fluid from his kit.
"You bought like half of Costco," Wally objected, hand digging around in the bag of corn chips. "We're not gonna run out. Besides, I thought this was a potluck. Other people are bringing food, right?"
"Yeah, but I'm not personally financing your hollow leg," said Roy. "So lay off until everyone's had firsts, all right?"
Grumbling, Wally stuffed his last fistful of chips into his mouth and rolled the top of the bag up.
"Speaking of the others," Kaldur began, eyes flicking around the area in an eleventh logistical sweep of their setup (not that Roy was counting), "how many guests are we expecting?"
"Dick said he'd be here," said Roy, patting himself down in search of a match. "So did Zee, Raquel and Amistad, Barbara, uh...Karen and Mal, I think, and then obviously Dinah and Ollie. And Li. And you never know with Jade. So let's say fifteen, maybe sixteen?"
Kaldur nodded.
"We should have enough space reserved for such a group."
"Oh good," said Roy, eyeing the half-empty beach. It was a Tuesday afternoon, after all. "I was really worried."
"Dick!" M'gann's voice interjected excitedly, and sure enough, Roy looked up to see the last of the old-old gang headed down the sand toward them, an excessively large, beribboned box under his arm.
"Hey," the newcomer greeted, adjusting his sunglasses with his free hand as he approached. "Good to see you all – how's everyone been?"
"Oh don't act like such a big stranger," said Artemis, rolling her eyes and stepping forward to give him a firm hug as soon as he'd set down the present on a picnic table. Wally followed suit, lifting his best friend just barely off the ground with an enthusiastic embrace.
"You're heavier than you used to be," he groused as he set him back down. "You need to stop lifting all those weights or your arms'll look like Roy's used to."
"Used to?" Roy repeated, affronted. "Hold still, West, I've got some extra lighter fluid I need you to hold in your big mouth."
"Where's the birthday girl?" Dick asked, looking around laughing as Wally scampered to get behind Kaldur and out of harm's way.
"Her Auntie and Uncle should be bringing her any minute," said M'gann. "I can't believe she's already three! It feels like last week Roy was introducing us to her cute little face."
"Kinda feels like a lifetime ago, actually," Artemis remarked.
"Different perspectives," Dick said tactfully. "Well, anything I can do to help set up?"
"You could save Wally," Conner suggested. At his remark, the four of them turned to see Wally cowering behind a put-upon Kaldur, using him as a (half-) human shield as Roy attempted to reach past the Atlantean.
Artemis and Dick exchanged a look. Then, after a beat, they remarked in near-unison:
"Nah."
Ten minutes later, when the first few burgers had just begun to sizzle and Artemis had just finished detangling Wally's hair after a very thorough noogie, the lady of the hour arrived, riding on her uncle's shoulders and wearing a tiny leather jacket that looked just like her auntie's.
"Look at you!" M'gann exclaimed happily, hurrying over to greet the birthday girl. "You're so precious and lovely and amazing and wonderf – "
" - okay there," Roy laughed, stepping forward to swing his daughter down from atop his old mentor. She giggled happily, which prompted him to give her a gentle toss in the air, an act that upgraded said giggle to a squeal of delight.
"She's a natural in the air," Dick remarked as Roy caught her and held her to his chest. "I bet she'll be a pro on the zipline when she's older."
"Don't even start," said Roy, raising a threatening eyebrow at the acrobat.
"Zipline?" asked Lian curiously.
"Like this," said Roy, catching Dick's eye's meaningfully and drawing his finger across his mouth in a zipped line.
Laughing, Dick nodded and moved on to greet Dinah with a warm hug.
The others trickled in over the next half hour, by which time the grill operation was well underway, with Roy and Ollie heading up the barbecue, Conner passing out plates and buns, and M'gann supervising the condiments and sides to make sure nothing ran low. It had been a good summer for justice, generally speaking, and everyone was in high spirits, not least Lian, who loved little more than being the center of attention. And with fifteen of her adoring aunties and uncles all gathered for her birthday...well, she was certainly kept engaged.
"So," said Artemis as she finished her burger and Wally began his fourth, "who's swimming? Is this a beach party or isn't it?"
Across the table from her, Raquel shared a glance with her son, who was nearly now nearly five.
"How bout it, kiddo?" she asked him, nudging his arm. "Wanna get your feet wet?"
Amistad smiled sheepishly and kicked his legs under the table – he was a shy boy, his temperament nearly the opposite of his mother's blunt brashness, but both shared a firm commitment to honesty and the protection of those who needed it (Ami had once stood up for Lian at a daycare incident involving stuffed animal theft, back before she'd started being fierce on her own behalf).
"Go for it," Wally suggested. "I'll join you when I'm done eating."
"So, never," Artemis summed up, rising from her seat.
"Let's do it," Raquel encouraged Amistad. "Come on, you know your uncle Kaldurpants would never let you get hurt in the water."
As the little boy finally nodded, his mother grinned and scooped him up, waving her goodbye to Artemis and Wally as she made for the water, where a few others – Dick, Zatanna, Conner, Barbara – were lingering on the shoreline. Soon more had followed suit, and as the sun grew high in the sky, the off-duty heroes relaxed into a well-deserved day off.
...until, around five o'clock, a low roar from the roadway began, and grew louder and louder, then suddenly stopped.
"Can we help you?" asked Karen, looking up the beach steps to where a number of beefy, leather-jacketed men had just dismounted their bicycles to stare down at the birthday party.
One of the man sniffed loudly, then spit something onto the pavement – tobacco, probably.
"Yeah," he said. "Clear out. We got a meeting here in a little while on the beach."
"Um, there's a lot of beach," Karen pointed out, arching one eyebrow dubiously as she gestured to the largely empty shore beside their group. "Why don't we all just share?"
"I don't think so," said another one of the newcomers.
"Everything okay?" asked Roy, stepping up beside Karen. He was on a cupcake-retrieval mission, taking a break from swimming with his partner and daughter, but he could sense a bit of tension in the air.
"Fine," said Karen, folding her arms over her chest. "These nice gentlemen were just agreeing that there's plenty of space for two birthday parties."
"Ours isn't no birthday party, little lady," said the first man, beginning to descend the stairs. Behind him, a few more motorcycles pulled up, all bearing riders with matching jackets – a biker gang, probably. Roy and Karen exchanged a look. "Just move your people along and we won't have any trouble."
"Trouble," Karen repeated under her breath, the corners of her mouth twitching as she tried not to laugh.
"This is a public beach," said Roy flatly as the man approached. "We'll stay here as long as we damn well please, thanks."
"Maybe you didn't hear me, tough guy," the man – apparently their leader – snarled, prodding a finger into Roy's chest. "I said move along, unless you want tr – "
" – I wouldn't do that if I were you," Roy advised, eyeing the finger.
"Do what?" asked the man, the finger becoming a flat-palmed push to the chest until – "ah!"
The stranger, whose face had drained of color as he'd found his hand twisted up into a distinctly uncomfortable position, stared with widened eyes at the death grip Roy had on his wrist. In an instant, several more of the bikers had rushed down the stairs, forming a ring around the first, but by this time, the conversation had drawn the attention of a few other people.
"I covered your patrol last week," Barbara was saying to Dick as she broke off a corner of the brownie in her hand, thoroughly parked at the nearest picnic table. "It's your turn."
"You said that was in exchange for my getting Bruce to lend you the copter," Dick objected, reaching back into the bag of barbecue chips.
"No, that was for the time I babysat little D, and you better believe you still owe me for that."
"Fine," Dick groaned, standing up and brushing off his hands. "Fine, I'll go."
"These gentlemen giving you trouble, beautiful?" Mal asked Karen from just outside the ring of leather-coated hoodlums, where he and Artemis had just materialized.
"These guys giving you shit, ugly?" Artemis echoed to Roy, who rolled his eyes, fingers still wrapped steel-like around the other man's arm.
"Would you all like cookies?" offered M'gann, holding a platter of them as she approached the biker gang. "We have more than enough."
One of the bikers turned to look at her, expression confused.
"Really, M?" asked Karen, arching an eyebrow.
[I mean, we do,] M'gann's voice sounded in all their heads, sounding a little sheepish. [And it couldn't hurt to offer, right?]
[Diplomacy is a good first tactic,] Dick reassured her.
Taking a hint, Roy let go of the man's hand to let his eyes flick around the half-circle of bikers and the growing smattering of heroes at his back.
"Look," he said as the stranger took a step back, rubbing his wrist and looking wrathful. "Just listen for a second. It's my daughter's birthday. She's three. That's her, playing out in the water with her grandparents, see, the one with the pigtails and the green floaties? We'll probably be gone in an hour or two anyway, there's plenty of space for all of us, there are apparently plenty of cookies too...we don't want trouble, you really don't want trouble. Let's just pass kindergarten together and share, all right?"
"You tried to break my wrist," the man accused.
"If he'd tried to break your wrist, your wrist would be broken," said Dick.
Roy bit back a flattered grin.
"Regardless," said Karen, hands on hips as she stared unamusedly at the gathering of thugs, who were looking to their leader, apparently deciding how to proceed. "You accosted us, not the other way around."
"And this is one birthday party you really don't want to crash," said Artemis, elbowing her way through the group to stand beside Roy. "I'm telling you as a courtesy. Honestly, I'll probably have more fun if you do try. But for your own sakes, I'm advising you not to."
"The hell would you do about it, blondie?" sneered one of the newcomers, a woman this time, as she stepped up to join the man in the center of the ring. "Cry?"
"I mean, I could," said Artemis thoughtfully. "Would that make you piss off?"
"You'd better put a leash on your bitch," the first man snarled to Roy, who responded with an unhesitant and unapologetic knee to the groin. Doubled over on the sand, the man howled in pain while Artemis frowned petulantly – "I wanted to do that" – and two separate bikers drew knives from their pockets. Both went down in an instant, one to a swift sweep of the leg from Conner, another to a deft flip over the shoulder by Karen (who stood at least a foot shorter than him, but didn't seem to care). Dick stepped in to confiscate both weapons, tossing them across the picnic table back to Barbara, who set them down beside her and turned her attention back to her brownie and her conversation with Zatanna.
The other six bikers, somewhat wide-eyed and apparently smarter than they looked, took a collective step back.
"Cookie?" M'gann asked the man on the ground, holding the tray down to him.
He groaned faintly in response.
"On second thought, we don't feel like sharing with you," said Roy, folding his arms over his chest. "Now if you'll excuse me, I was supposed to be bringing the birthday girl some cupcakes."
A few minutes later, the roar of nine engines heralded the departure of their new friends.
"Stawberry," Lian giggled, licking the last of the frosting off her lips as she waded back into the water, into Kaldur's waiting arms. "Thanks, Daddy!"
8:15 PM – Highway 280, Northbound
"You have Watchtower duty Tuesday night, right?" Roy asked, voice quiet and eyes on the road – Lian was asleep in her carseat in the back, one hand still clutching tight to the ribbon of the green balloon she'd taken back with her. The day out in the sun and surf had worn her out, apparently.
"Yes," Kaldur confirmed, eyes flicking fondly to the rear view mirror. "I expect I will be relieved around three."
"AM or PM?"
"AM," Kaldur replied. "Though if Lian needs a caretaker earlier in the evening, I am certain I could find someone to cover that part of my shift."
"Nah, I should be home," said Roy. "I can skip patrol one night. Artemis can take Mia out. They'll have fun with it."
"I am sure they will."
They were silent for a long, comfortable moment, just the hum of the road beneath the car and the occasional whoosh of someone faster going by. Roy was a speed demon by nature, but when his daughter was in the backseat, speed limits got more absolute. Finally, Roy spoke up again, a hint of a smile on his face.
"Party went off okay, seems like?"
"It did," Kaldur agreed. "A few minor problems. But largely satisfactory."
"Hey, I didn't see you volunteering to deal with those creeps."
"I was referring to the fact that we ran out of tomatoes," said Kaldur.
"Right," said Roy, rolling his eyes. "The real tragedy."
"Indeed," said Kaldur, struggling not to smile.
"Hey," said Roy, grinning as he took one hand off the wheel and laid it on Kaldur's leg. "Glad you were here for this one. Missed you at the last two."
Kaldur gave up and smiled in earnest, his own hand moving to cover Roy's, enfolding it tenderly. In the backseat, Lian slumbered on, birthday tiara askew on her jet-black hair and green balloon floating over the small mountain of presents on the seat beside her.
"Yes, well," Kaldur said at last. "Next year we will remember to get six tomatoes, not five."
"You suck at feelings," Roy laughed, squeezing Kaldur's hand before letting it go to navigate the next sweeping curve of the freeway.
"I do."
"I love you anyway."
"And I you. Even if I suck at it."
"You can't say that word. It's not in character."
"I was merely attempting to offer you sexual recompense for my emotional limitations," Kaldur remarked wryly. "But it seems I was too subtle."
"Oh."