Levi had just finished sweeping the rest of the paperwork on his desk into two piles when Eren came knocking at his door. "Corporal?" Levi didn't have a chance to reply before Eren opened the door and walked in anyway.
"Did I say you could come in?" Levi said. There were certain etiquette, cleanliness and personal hygiene included, that he considered of utmost importance, and this was one of them, but before he could continue on to admonish Eren, Eren had blurted out hastily, "Commander Erwin sent me to get you."
Immediately, Levi rose to his feet. "Did he give you a reason?"
Eren faltered for a moment and unconvincingly said, "..no."
Levi didn't hesitate to sit back on his chair once more, thinking that whatever it was, it wasn't something that he wanted to participate in. If his presence was crucial, Erwin would have come here himself, and Levi would go whether he liked it or not.
However, if this was something optional, he wasn't going to waste his time.
Eren looked conflicted, and Levi knew that he was torn between wanting to follow Erwin's order not to tell Levi anything and convincing Levi to come with him. It was a good indicator of how serious the situation was when Eren relented, looking guilty as he said, "Commander Nile Dawk awaits your presence." He sounded like he was repeating word for word something somebody else had said, and judging from what Levi knew about Nile Dawk, it was probably him, the poss bastard.
"The military police are here?" Levi asked incredulously. "What the hell do they want now?" If this was the reason why Erwin didn't want Eren to tell him, then he was absolutely right not to.
"No," Eren said, "Just their commander. I don't know what he wants, but he said this was something between you, him, Commander Erwin, and me."
"You as well?" The more he heard about this meeting the more he disliked the idea of it. "What the hell does Nile Dawk want with you?" Levi frowned. "I thought we were all in agreement not to dissect you." Historically there were only two things that Nile Dawk wanted to talk to him about, and only one of those was related to Eren. The realization came to him just as the memory of the court day returned to Eren because Eren's face paled. "Do you think he's here because they've changed their mind?"
Levi didn't say anything at first, uncomfortable because he had an idea what the meeting was going to be about, but if Eren became any paler Levi sure that he was going to faint, and Levi said, "Zacklay doesn't go back on his words, and Nile Dawk isn't the type to defy military orders."
Eren was still white-faced and wide eyes, and Levi had to add, "They're not going to cut you open, not if I have a say in it," and somehow that made Eren looked relieved. Besides, if Nile Dawk was here for that, which Levi knew he wasn't, Erwin would most likely pull enough strings in the conversation that he would manage to convince Nile Dawk that he was, in fact, not here to take Eren's life but for a cup of tea.
Levi didn't say that thought aloud though; instead, he rose to his feet once more and beckoned Eren to follow him as they walked to Erwin's office, even though Eren was supposed to lead the way. Eren didn't seem to notice this, still looking quite worried and probably was filling his mind uselessly with speculations that Levi knew were wrong as hell.
"Eat more vegetables," Levi said, and the randomness was enough to startled Eren from his thoughts.
"Yes, Corporal," Eren automatically said on instinct, looking confused now for a different reason.
"You look as if a giant hard piece of shit is still up your ass," Levi explained.
"They give us nothing but vegetables…" Eren trailed off, still confused, and Levi resisted the urge to roll his eyes when Eren finally got it, "Oh. I.."
"There's no need to be constipated with shit that you can't control." Levi contemplated a light punch on Eren's shoulder, but considering how the last time he did this Eren had flinched as if he was expecting Levi to beat the shit out of him, Levi decided against it."Because when you try to get the shit out, it won't come out, and if it did, you'll have nothing but a sore asshole."
"Yes Corporal," Eren said, although Levi had a feeling that he didn't quite understand what Levi meant. At least he seemed to know that Levi was referring to a metaphorical piece of shit rather than a real one.
"Try to look a little less like you're about to piss your pants," Levi advised, and knocked on the door of Erwin's office before Eren could reply.
"Come in," Erwin said, and Levi looked at Eren as he opened the door. "This is how knocking works."
"Yes Corporal," Eren said, and stiffened as they walked into the room. He probably forgot everything that Levi taught him about knocking already, Levi grumbled internally, but this thought was filed away for later as he eyed Nile Dawk in the room.
Nile Dawk was just as stern and stiffed-face as Levi last remembered him, except this time he was doing all of his stern business in a chair rather than across the courtroom. He greeted Levi with a simple nod, and Levi gave him one in return.
"Levi."
"Nile."
"Please sit down," Erwin said, and Eren, glancing anxiously at Nile, saluted him before sitting down on the couch against the wall. Levi followed Eren and slumped down onto the couch next to him, feeling everyone's surprise gaze because he didn't take the empty seat across Erwin's desk next to Nile. If Levi was going to be here for who knew how long talking about a topic that he didn't want to ever bring up, he might as well make himself comfortable through this.
"Commander Nile is concerned about Eren's current placement," Erwin explained, but Nile didn't seem to be satisfied with that explanation.
"I don't trust Eren with you," Nile specified.
"I have it under control," Levi said. "Erwin could attest to that. All the fucking years that I've been in the Scouting Legion could attest to that."
"You've shown remarkable progress under the command of Erwin, I agreed," Nile said, emphasizing on Erwin's contribution, and Levi couldn't argue with that.
"I'd say becoming humanity's strongest soldier isn't too bad a feat." Levi crossed his legs.
"Humanity's strongest?" Nile muttered, and Levi didn't like the tone of his voice or the skeptical look in his eyes. It reminded Levi of the day when Nile reluctantly handed Levi to the hands of the Scouting Legion, or rather, to Erwin's hand. Levi wasn't who he was fifteen years ago, however, and he had taken fifteen years to prove himself. He wasn't going to let Nile get under his skin.
"It doesn't change the fact that you are what you are," said Nile. "A wolf could be trained, but at the end of the day, it's still a wolf. It would be foolish to be unprepared for its fangs and claws."
"Levi had not shifted since he first came to us, Nile," Erwin said calmly, cutting in before Levi could give a probably insulting comment to Nile, and then with a look from Erwin, Levi restrained himself.
"If I hadn't shifted for the past fifteen years, even in the direst situations, I sure as hell won't do it now," Levi said.
"People said the same thing about the titans attacking Wall Maria," Nile pointed out. "And yet, here we are."
Erwin had been watching Levi's body language carefully, and Levi was a little irritated because Erwin should know by now that Levi wasn't going to blow up over something so little as Nile Dawk trying to get a rise out of him.
"Levi is the only one capable of keeping Eren on a rein," Erwin said, and Levi smoothly added, "If any of the military police wants to volunteer for my job, I'd let them." Not a chance in hell. "If they could stay alive for at least a minute on the battlefield, that is."
"Levi," and here Erwin's tone was admonishing as he gave Levi another look. He then turned to Nile. "He has personal experiences that are valuable for this task, and I think it's worth taking advantage of a good opportunity."
"He hasn't shifted for fifteen years," Nile said. "I doubt that counts as significant 'experience' as you called it. A fly has more experience scrounging for food."
"It's better than having none," said Erwin, and Nile didn't have a lot to say to that.
Levi crossed his arms defensively. "Are you worried that I will shift or that I won't?"
"I don't understand," Eren's voice broke the tension between the officers, and they finally realized that Eren was also part of this conversation. "What is going on? What do you mean by shifting?" Levi couldn't meet Eren's eyes, even though he could feel Eren's curious gaze burning the side of his face.
"Levi will take charge of you as planned," Erwin answered Eren. "As for the other matter, I think this is something Levi has to tell you himself."
"Corporal?"
"I hope that you could guide Eren in the same way that I have guided you," Erwin said, and Levi stiffened at the iciness of his tone. It was an order.
Levi looked at Eren then. The bruises and the blood on Eren's face from the courtroom day were gone now, but Levi still remembered what Eren had looked like then, beaten into submissiveness the way Levi was once beaten. It's not the same, Levi thought. We're not the same.
"You're not the only one who can shift into a titan," Levi said, nearly flinched when Eren took a sharp breath as all the pieces started connecting together in his mind.
"You see my concern—" Nile began, but Eren cut him off, lurching forward closer to Levi, eyes wide with wonder, "You're like me!"
The words 'We're not the same' was at the tip of his tongue, but Levi couldn't say it because Eren was looking at him with so much hope that it was painful to see. Levi could also feel Erwin's firm gaze on him, and the order felt much heavier now on Levi's shoulders as Eren said with excitement, "Could I control it?"
The next part came in a voice so soft that Levi almost didn't catch it. "Could I become like you?"
"There's no need for that."
Levi resisted the urge to say "You don't want to be like me," but Nile beat him to it.
"You don't want to be like Levi." There was something that was close to disgust in his voice, and Levi was reminded of the first time Nile had seen him transform. Levi didn't remember anything, but when he had woken up, he was chained up in the dungeon, a younger Erwin sitting outside the cell waiting for him. "Do you remember what you did?"
"He is humanity's strongest soldier." Levi could see from the corner of his eyes that Eren was getting angry. As far as Eren was concerned, Nile wasn't on his side, and Levi was, the simple brat. "And he's the only that will understand—"
"He has as much control over his titan self as you do yours," Nile said with contempt.
"Nile," Erwin interrupted before Eren had a chance to say something that Nile wasn't going to be happy about. "Levi is the best choice for this job, but if you have a better candidate—"
"I don't." Nile looked bitter.
"Then there is no need to have this conversation." Erwin took command of the conversation once more, and Levi relaxed. From now on, Nile could do nothing but retreat.
"What are you planning, Erwin?" There was a haunted look on Nile's face, and Levi had to admit that he had the same question. Erwin had been tight-lipped with what the mission was and what he wanted Levi to do, and Levi wasn't sure if Erwin was serious about him guiding Eren or if he was putting on a show for Nile. "Trusting humanity's survival on two monsters."
Eren nearly jerked out of his seat, but Levi caught him by his arm. "Don't." Eren was shaking with fury under Levi's fingers, and Levi gave Eren's arm a squeeze.
Luckily, Nile hadn't notice, focused as he was on Erwin.
"I can't tell you what the results will be until we execute the plan," Erwin said, and Nile turned to Levi, who was holding Eren tightly by his arm and didn't let go even though Eren had stopped shaking.
"If you don't have any other concerns—"
"I'll see myself out," said Nile, rising to his feet. "I haven't forgotten how stubborn you can be, Erwin."
"And yet you still try."
"Someone has to do it." Nile walked to the door, but not before giving Levi and Eren one last warning look. "I'm waiting to see the body count as a result of these two."
"That bastard," Eren growled, his simplistic anger escaping in full force now that they were out of Erwin's office. He turned to Levi, expecting the same, but when he saw Levi's lack of response, he quickly calmed down. "Corporal," Eren began, wanting to ask 'Aren't you angry?' but seeing the composure in Levi as he carefully poured out a cup of tea, Eren had his answer.
"Nile Dawk wasn't wrong," Levi said, swirling the cup before taking a sip. "He didn't want to put more risk on something that's highly uncertain, but he did anyway. Such is the mentality of a soldier."
"Yes," Eren admitted, fury dimming down to a small spark now. The night was cool, and a small breeze from the window was making its way into the nearly empty canteen. There was silence now, only the crackling of the fireplace remained, and Eren watched his shadow lying on the far wall next to Levi's.
"Corporal?"
"What is it?"
"You know, right? How it feels?" Eren lowered his head, his voice barely a whisper, and Levi returned his gaze to his cup of tea, watching the tea leaves drifted in his cup as he swirled it once more.
"It has been fifteen years since I've last shifted," Levi said. "I didn't remember what happened then either."
"But there is a way to control it, right?" Eren raised his voice, his expression eager. "You've done it! You've become humanity's strongest."
Levi was becoming uncomfortable with Eren's enthusiasm. The fireplace gave particularly loud crack, and Levi turned to it, watching the wood slowly burned away as he spoke, "Do you know why I joined the Scouting Legion?" A memory gradually returned in front of him, and he could see each painful piece danced in the tongue of the flame. A breeze came and ruffled away the tip of the flame, and the memory left him like the wind had, as quickly as it had come.
"I don't know, sir."
Levi placed his tea cup back on the table, the tea leaves forming into a familiar shape, the one that his mother had explained to him as she looked at his cup over his shoulder, "Uncertain outcome," the same shape that had followed him from his youth through the Scouting Legion, over and over again. The past felt like a dream, hazy and unfamiliar, as if he had been sleeping through his childhood, and when he woke up, he was sitting in a pool of blood; his parents' and his brothers' bodies twisted in a pile on the floor, and then he had fallen back to sleep again, but the feeling of the cobbled streets of the slums underneath his feet was familiar, and the feeling of a knife in his hand and the blood that followed was even more so, and by the time Levi had awakened, he was in another pool of blood—five men's, he was told later—and Nile Dawk was looking at him in horror, the squad under his command was in a pile of blood and digestive sludge, not unlike Levi's family had been, and that moment, Levi had known.
When Levi woke up for the final time, Erwin was sitting outside the prison cell with a stern look on his face. The chains had felt so real on Levi's skin that the feeling was still here with him now.
"Why are you crying? Do you remember what you did?"
Erwin had sounded as if Levi had a choice in the matter when he told him, and Levi pretended that he did because he had dug his nails into his thighs so hard that they bled as he begged to join the Scouting Legion.
"I joined the Scouting Legion because I couldn't control it," Levi said, voice soft as he treaded over his fragile memories. "I joined it because Commander Erwin was ruthless," and here Levi remembered when Erwin's kicks were so powerful that he lost all sense of reality, his head was ringing and he had blacked out for a moment before the sharp pains on his body brought him back, and Nile Dawk had watched nervously, the humanity in him had hated what he was seeing but the fear and the sense of vengeance for his men had not.
"I had wanted that ruthlessness to keep a leash on me," Levi continued. "Because I couldn't do it myself. Because—" and here Levi faltered, and it was the first time that Eren had seen him like this because Levi didn't have a habit of hesitating, but Eren was completely frozen, enraptured in Levi's words, and even though Levi had said that his lack of control over his titan shifting was real, Eren was still looking at him with hope.
But whatever he was going to say next was going to crush that hope, and Levi couldn't meet Eren in the eyes as he spoke.
"I've killed my own family."
Levi tightened his grip on the cup at Eren's sharp intake of breath. It was too late at this point to go back, so he finished the story.
"The reason why Commander Nile Dawk doesn't trust you in my hand is because I've killed five of his men the second time that I've shifted."
Silence crawled in between them. The tea in Levi's cup was going cold, and Levi poured more into his cup; the rising pale steam blurred his vision of Eren across the table. "Commander Nile was not wrong in his concern," Levi added.
There was a locket amidst the mess, Levi remembered. The cover was broken, but the picture of a wife and child was intact, staring back at him accusingly.
"Why are you telling me this?" Eren's voice was shaky, and his eyes were glued to the table.
"It's important that you understand I can't help you beyond my capacity as a human soldier," Levi said. Letting his titan form manifest wasn't a risk that he was willing to take.
"No, what you're saying is that I'm alone in this." Eren sounded bitter. "You're saying that I have no choice, that one day I will kill someone."
Levi didn't voice aloud the fact that he had thought Eren must have killed someone already, probably his father who was presumably missing. "My job is to stop you from doing just that," said Levi. "Nothing more."
Eren looked at him then, wide eyes filled with crushed hopes, and Levi didn't have anything else to offer him. Levi told himself that it was better that Eren fully understand the gravity of the situation now so that he didn't expect any more from Levi, so he wouldn't be even more devastated when the worst happened—because it would—Levi had known. Levi himself had already given up hope a long time ago, and he only operated on reality now. For fifteen years, he had a place to belong; he had a purpose; he was safe from his worst fear, all because he had worked hard to push away that other part of himself. What good would it do anyone if he undid his fifteen years of discipline, and for what? For a promise that he could help Eren all so that it could be broken?
He was a human soldier now. Nothing more, nothing less.
"I wanted to help," Eren said, looking down at his lap. "Please. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I promise I don't want to hurt anyone."
Levi knew that. He had thought the same thing back then.
"What are you asking from me?"
"Nothing," said Eren, "I can't ask you for anything. I—" and Levi looked away before he could see Eren's tears of frustration.
The defeated slump of Eren's back stayed in Levi's mind even now as he walked to Erwin's office. It only took him one knock before Erwin's voice called out, "Come in." Levi hadn't opened the door all the way before Erwin spoke, "I knew that you would come."
"You know why I'm here," Levi said. Why don't you tell me then?
"What I've said before wasn't a show for Commander Nile." Erwin gathered all of his papers together into one pile and tapped the pile against the desk until all the paper corners matched. "I want you to keep a hold on Eren the way I did to you."
Levi could still feel the lingering throbbing of bruises that were long gone, and then the violence faded away into sharp words that haunted his dreams with guilt, and very quickly the guilt became second nature to him, a reminder that he had to fight to atone for all of his sins, but that wasn't enough, so Erwin had tried something else a long with it, and it had held up for fifteen years.
"I'm not able to do that. It is something that Eren had to decide for himself," Levi admitted. Back then, it had been Erwin's order that Levi followed, but ultimately Levi chose to follow it. "That brat's will isn't going to be controlled by anybody."
Levi could feel Erwin's inquisitive stare, and Erwin's voice was cautious when he said, "I meant that I want you to keep Eren aware of his humanity. However you decide to do it is up to you." Erwin was speaking puzzles like always. Levi wondered what Erwin was planning, why it was necessary to tell Eren of Levi's inability to shift, even though the information was of no use. He was used to the feeling of being a small piece on Erwin's chessboard, but sometimes, there was a monster in him that was waiting for an opportunity to break free, the monster that he feared even more than Erwin himself, the monster that Erwin had ordered him to control.
"You're not trying to turn Eren into another me," Levi stated it almost like a question even though he knew the answer. Erwin couldn't make Eren completely submit to his will—the brat was too stubborn and rash for that. They both had seen Eren down in that dungeon and knew this was true.
"Why did you vouch for Eren, Levi?" Erwin decided to counter Levi's question with his own, the sly bastard. "Isn't he different from you?"
Levi himself didn't know the answer. At the time, when he saw the determination in Eren's eyes, the wild spirit that wouldn't be restrained by anyone, Levi had wanted to see more of what Eren could do without the shackles on his wrists. That was all.
However, the look in Erwin's eyes made Levi felt as if there was some other motive that Levi might not have been aware that he had. And then he felt like a piece on Erwin's chessboard again, as he wondered if the doubt in his mind was his own feelings or the feelings induced by Erwin's questioning.
Levi grappled blindly for an anchor. "I vouched for him because I thought that was necessary for your plan." There was no other reason for Erwin to bring Levi with him to see Eren in the dungeon.
Or was there?
Erwin echoed Levi's doubt, "Perhaps."
Levi narrowed his eyes.
An explosion interrupted the tension between them, and Levi cursed as the alarm bell rang out. The explosion had sounded like it had come from the eastern basement, where Eren presumably was located for the night.
Levi excused himself to check out the situation, and amidst the confusion, Erwin simply sat back on his chair patiently, as if he had expected this outcome.
Levi trusted Erwin's judgments, but that didn't mean he liked the feeling of being a puppet in Erwin's plan.
By the time Levi reached the basement, Petra immediately filled him in on the situation. The others were already there, hovering outside of the room nervously, their blades already drawn out.
"Eren seems to be unconscious," Petra said as Levi walked past his squad to take a look inside the room. "He hasn't turned completely, and his titan form hasn't moved either. It's just like the day when he tried to pick up that spoon."
Petra was quite accurate with her description, but it didn't quite look as he had imagined. Eren's incomplete titan form was nothing but a mess of throbbing red flesh winding around his body, clinging on to him by red blood veins, so it looked more like a jumble of unskinned muscles than an actual body.
Levi didn't understand why his team was anxious—Eren wasn't actually moving in his sleep—but then the flesh began to jerk, and Levi could see why. Occasionally, the flesh would grow bigger and longer, then new muscles began to form, sprouting from existing ones like branches, and there was no humanly conceivable form for what he was seeing, but whatever this was, it had spread all over Eren's bed and onto the floor, slowly making its way like vines as it crawled on the ground. There was a foul smell that burned his nose, and the steam from Eren's titan form was making his eyes watered.
"That's disgusting" was Levi's first response. "Have you guys tried to cut him out?"
"We have, but the flesh was like iron, and there's something about the steam—" said Erd, and then Hanji's voice cut in as Levi turned around to see her arriving late to the party, again.
"It's acid." Hanji sounded excited, jumping inside the room. "It's not very concentrated though, probably, because we all wouldn't be able to stand inside the room if it is."
"I'll try to cut him out," Levi said, taking the blades from Erd's hands. "All of you stand back."
"Be careful," Hanji said. "We don't know what kind of psychological event triggered this."
"Maybe he's dreaming of shitting himself when he sees his first titan," Auruo said unhelpfully, and Petra scolded him for it.
"It could be that he's having a violent dream," Hanji said.
"Whatever it is, we have to get him out." Levi gripped the blades tightly as he stepped cautiously forward, eyeing the crawling flesh with suspicion. It didn't look like it was going to do much but grow, and if Levi was careful, he could probably stand on them while trying to cut Eren off. But, Levi had the bizarre feeling that it was waiting for him to come closer, that it had been waiting for him all this time.
Levi tested the flesh with the tip of the blade, and Petra was right, it was as tough as iron. It didn't move when Levi took another step forward, and another, and as he drew close enough to step on it, the flesh stopped throbbing completely. Hanji had said that Eren's titan form was a manifest of his psychology, and Levi wondered if the flesh had stopped moving because it knew that this was Levi.
Of course, Eren's subconscious would come up with something like this. As if his conscious mind hadn't done enough Levi worshipping.
Levi took a careful step and hoisted himself on top of the flesh, slowly making his way to Eren, but strangely enough, the flesh that was hard before began to soften at his feet. Warning bells flashed in Levi's mind, but he continued onward.
Behind him, Hanji sounded worried, "Levi…" and it was quite an accomplishment to make Hanji sounded like that because she had always jumped into danger as if it was her second nature.
"I know," Levi said. He was practically next to Eren now, or at least, as close as he could with all the obstacle in the way, but it was enough that he could try to cut Eren out.
The patch on the left had looked like it was as soft as the flesh underneath his feet, and he might be able to start there and made his cut down to Eren's feet, but judging from the looks of it, it was probably more practical that he tried to free Eren's upper body and then pull Eren out. Levi raised the blade, and with a strong thrust, sank the blade into the titan flesh. But instead of contact, the blade felt as if it had hit nothing but air, and as it continued sinking, Levi lost his balance and stumbled forward.
"Levi!" Hanji's warning came after Levi saw it, and he immediately tightened his grip on the blade and pulled, except somehow the flesh had hardened around the blade and Levi couldn't pull free.
"Get him out!" Erd said, and Levi could tell that his squad was on the move, but it was too late because something shot out to grab him before Levi could get out of the way, and his vision quickly turned black.
When Levi woke up, it was early morning, and he was lying in an unfamiliar cot, a set of staircase right above his head. He checked his surroundings, a strange kitchen, a simple table and chair, ducks and squirrels hanging from the window, various pots waiting underneath. A water pump. How long was he out?
"Good morning," a gentle voice greeted him, and Levi blinked. There were people in the room, and he hadn't noticed. There was a long-haired man sitting at the table, and there was a kind-looking woman smiling down at him.
His surroundings were unfamiliar, but her eyes weren't. "We'll have breakfast once Eren and Mikasa return." She went to the kitchen counter then and took the basket of bread to place on the table, and Levi realized how much he had missed the smell of freshly baked bread. When he was—when he was—Levi couldn't remember, but all he knew was that it had been a long time since he'd had freshly baked bread.
Eren. Right. That was why the woman's eyes had looked familiar.
Levi tried to remember how he got there, but he couldn't, and frankly, for some reason, he couldn't find himself caring. He wanted to continue lying in the cot because it was so warm, and maybe later after they'd had breakfast, he was going to lie back down on the cot once more. Maybe he would even watch the birds outside. Maybe he would take a nap. Maybe he was going to help skin the squirrel later for supper.
It was warm today.
"We're back." Eren's voice called out, and there was the sound of the door creaking open, and two pairs of feet paddled inside the house.
"Welcome back," Eren's mother said, and Levi sat up on his cot as she went to see Eren stored the firewood he gathered. "Wow, Eren. I'm surprised you gathered this much firewood today."
"Y-yeah—oww—what was that for?"
"Your ear was red. You were lying," she sounded amused. "Mikasa helped you, didn't she?"
Levi turned to the young girl washing her hands by the water pump then. He could see that. Even at a young age, Mikasa already had very strong shoulders, and Levi could guess that her arm muscles were more developed than the children her age.
If Eren had as much muscle training as he did rashness, maybe he would actually kill a—
a—
Levi frowned. His thought was getting cut short again, but he couldn't even muster the motivation to try and reconnect it.
This was wrong. Whatever was happening to his thoughts now shouldn't happen.
"Is there something wrong?" Eren asked, and Levi looked at him.
"No," Levi found himself said. "Nothing at all."
"Let's have breakfast then," Eren's mother said, and then Levi felt relieved again, as if a weight had suddenly fell from his shoulders. Levi immediately stood to help her and Mikasa set the table, the feeling of strangeness still lingered in the back of his mind, but there was a voice that told him he belonged there, that there was no need to question it.
Breakfast passed by peacefully even though that sense of strangeness had never left Levi. He felt as if he was an extra at this table, but at the same time, he wasn't. He had been sitting at a family table for five before too, but it wasn't this particular table exactly. Yet, this still didn't make sense because he had only known one family table, and this was the one.
Eren's mother finished breakfast first and went to clean off the kitchen counter. As Levi reached for a roll of bread, she asked, "Thomas came by the other day. He said he wanted to go with you to the recruiting station."
"I don't wanna go with him," Levi said, his voice a lot higher and more childish than he remembered, and Levi wasn't right.
"Thomas is a perfectly nice boy," his mother admonished him. "I think it's important that you have a friend as you go through military training."
"He wants to join the Scouting Legion, that idiot." The words were coming out of Levi's mouth before he could think about them, as if his lips were moving from memory. "I have no intention of doing something that won't bring back money for us to live," and here Levi turned to Eren and Mikasa, his younger siblings that he had to protect, but…but this wasn't right either. "I will get into the Military Police."
No, this wasn't right.
"Eren wants to join the Scouting Legion," Mikasa said, and Eren slammed his plate on the table. "Mikasa, you traitor!"
"Eren, what are you thinking?" And then she was Eren's mother again, not his, and Levi realized, as he looked at her, that he had forgotten what his mother had looked like, and this person was not his mother; this was not his house; Eren and Mikasa—this was not his family, and then, as if the world around him was responding to Levi's thoughts, the whole house began to shake. The firewood chest tumbled over and the earth pots shattered on the floor, their breakfast things on the table began to shake violently before they slid off, and Eren jerked forward on instinct to catch his spoon, and Levi knew that it was going to happen before it did, as a loud explosion knocked him off his chair.
There were familiar screams, and they weren't Eren's mother's or Mikasa's or Eren's or Eren's father's. There were voices that he had once remembered a long time ago, back when he was twelve and the eldest of three and his family was struggling to barely survive in a tiny shack, and one morning all that were lost, and Levi had tried so hard not to remember, but the memory was hitting him full force now, and Levi remembered that he wasn't twelve anymore. He was in the Scouting Legion now, he was here because Eren—
And he was startled as Hannes grabbed him and Mikasa by the waist and ran, in the opposite direction of where he should go, and he screamed for Hannes to stop because they had to save his mother, the titan had her in his hands, but the titan was familiar, and Levi suddenly remembered that he wasn't Eren. He was Levi and this was Eren's memory, and that was Eren's titan form with his mother in his hand, and Levi knew that this was wrong. Eren hadn't eaten his mother—it was Levi who—
"Let go!" Levi tried to jerk out of this stranger's hold, but the grip was strong, and Levi could feel his mind starting to sink back into Eren's memory once more as something ugly began to rise inside him.
"Don't think about it," Erwin had told him and yanked Levi by his hair to face him. "You're Levi now. Give up your old name because it's no longer yours," and Levi had wanted to believe it; he had wanted to think that his past wasn't him, that he could invent and build a new identity and not think about what he had done and what he had lost because it had hurt, and now his mind was screaming at him to sink back into Eren's memory because it was safe, and in front of his eyes, Eren's titan form flickered into Levi's, the person in his hands was Levi's mother, and this was the right memory. This was the right one.
"Let go!" Levi tried to jerk out of that iron clad grip once more, clutching tightly at his bloodstained past, the one that was drenched with his family's blood and that of other innocent men, to keep his mind intact. And, as if he was made of glass, the grip on Levi's waist shattered, and Levi landed on his feet, the three dimensional maneuver gear hanging heavily from his hip, the blades familiar on his hands, and he felt as if the wings of freedom was burning on his back as a reminder of the sense of duty that Erwin had beaten into his skin.
"Eren!" Levi shouted as he ran toward the titan, now holding both Eren's mother and Mikasa in his grip and raising them to his mouth. "This is not your memory! This is not you!" But Eren didn't seem to hear him, fallen too deep into Levi's nightmare that had leaked into his dream.
"Fuck!" Levi cursed as he realized the memory that followed this one, and he had a feeling that if he didn't snap Eren out of it now, he would never be able to. The gears hanging on his hip were becoming lighter, and the burning on his back was slowly fading, and Levi knew that his sense of self was slipping away once more.
Levi rushed forward, using his gears to steer himself, anchoring his harness on the back of Eren's neck and pulled; everything spun wildly in his vision, and Levi wasted no time in swinging his blades into the nape of Eren's neck. The blades clanged when they came into contact, and Levi's arms trembled as he felt the vibrations running up the blades to his shoulders; the force casted him into the air. Levi quickly anchored his harness on the house nearby and swung himself around back onto Eren's neck, quickly discarding the idea of cutting Eren out when Eren's neck had hardened like iron. He got on Eren's nape; his boots skidding across Eren's toughened skin.
"Eren!" Levi shouted, and luckily all of Levi's movements had taken Eren's interest from the humans in his hands. But before Levi could talk some sense into him, Eren's hand swung toward his nape, and Levi barely flew out of the way.
Levi swerved back around, and Erens's head followed his movement until Levi landed on the tip of his nose, grabbing at Eren's hair for balance. "Listen to me, you fucking brat. It's not your fault. Your mother's death isn't your fault."This wasn't your sin, but mine.
Eren.
"You don't want to hurt anyone! Didn't you promise me?" There was an eerie green gleam in Eren's eyes, but it was fading now, and Levi wondered if his words were getting through. Levi remembered Eren's downcast expression as he silently begged Levi to help him, but couldn't form the words. Levi had understood him anyway.
"Why did you vouch for Eren, Levi? Isn't he different from you?" Erwin's words returned to him, and Levi realized it. He had vouched for Eren precisely because Eren was different from him.
Eren.
"We're not the same," Levi said, and Levi could see that lost gleam returning to Eren's eyes, his giant fist twitching in anticipation. Levi hastily continued. "We're different because you hadn't killed anyone, Eren, because you had vowed never to do it. You're different from me because you hadn't once given up who you are, and I will make sure that you remained different from me."
Levi had long given up his real name for "Levi," something that Erwin had given him because he had wanted to be reborn, free from his past. But there was no quick cure from his painful past, no shortcut to truly escape it. The only thing that he could do was to continue building himself from its ruins. It was something that he wished he could have known back then before he had given up his name, but losing his name too had been another piece of his past, and Levi could only hope to use it to prevent Eren from doing the same.
"You're not alone, shitty brat," Levi said.
"Let's go back together."
He was going to stay by Eren's side regardless of whether he could shift into a titan or not.
Just as the words left his mouth, the world around them began to melt, and then Levi was falling into a white nothingness as everything faded away. The flesh on Eren's titan form began to tear away, and then there was nothing but Eren, stupid and rash Eren, staring up at him with those hopeful eyes again.
And Levi still doubted his ability to truly support Eren the way Eren had wanted from him, and he wanted to tell Eren that he wasn't the great hero that Eren had imagined. But then Eren extended his hand toward Levi, and Levi wrinkled his face in disgust. "Your hand is sweaty," Levi said, but he took Eren's hand anyway as the white nothingness began to envelope them.
Eren's hand was warm, and Levi tightened his grip to make sure that it was real.
It was time to wake up.
The first thing that Levi saw when he blinked back into consciousness was Eren's stupid worried face looking down at him. "You're crying," Eren said, but had sounded relieved as if Levi just escaped death.
"I'm not crying," said Levi, although he did felt that his eyes were wet. His body felt like it was overheating, and he could feel every drop of disgusting sweat clinging onto his skin.
"Do you remember what happened?" Hanji's face came into his line of vision, right across from Eren, and Levi realized belatedly that he was lying on the floor, his head on Eren's lap. He quickly sat up, and that was definitely a terrible idea because his head began to throb at the sudden motion.
"No," said Levi. "What happened?" He blinked his eyes a few times before his vision began to still, and then when he looked up, he saw everyone hovering over him worriedly, especially his squad who was looking at one another with anxiety, as if they were hiding something from him. "What? Spit it out, guys."
Everyone was silent then. But it was Hanji who spoke, "You turned into a titan, Levi. Did you not remember that?"
Levi stiffened.
Eren, being the only one who understood, quickly said, "Nothing bad happened! No one was hurt!"
"Really?" Levi frowned, taking a careful look at everyone. They all looked dirty but fine, no wounds, no scratches, nothing, and Levi let out a breath of relief. Most of all, they just looked worried. "I'm not…going to turn again," Levi promised, although he was unsure of himself because he had no idea what had happened. "Can somebody just fucking tell me what happened?"
"Well, Eren's titan flesh began to swallow you whole," Hanji said, "And we tried to get you out, but it was harder than stone, and our blades were useless. We were going to take drastic measures, but then suddenly you turned into a titan and pulled Eren out with your mouth."
Levi looked at Eren, and Eren reassured him, "I'm fine. Better than if you'd tried to cut me out because I still have my limbs."
"I don't remember that," Levi said. He did remember freeing Eren in that dream-like state, but it had been a completely different memory than what Hanji described to him right now. Suddenly he felt disappointed, and he wasn't sure why. "Did I try to hurt anyone?"
"No." This time it was Petra who spoke. She paused for a second, as if unsure if she had permission to talk, but then she saw the expectant look on Levi's face. "When we call your name, you responded to us, and when we asked you to put Eren down, you did. That's why we're so surprised that you don't remember."
Levi looked at his team, expecting to see contempt, waiting for them to spurn him, but none of that had happened. He remembered Erwin's words, way back when he was seventeen and was fresh meat in the Scouting Legion. "It doesn't matter whether you're a good person or a bad one. If anyone finds out, it will all be over." Levi had believed those words, and he had still believed those words now, and over the years even though he had proven himself to be capable, it had only added onto the pressure of hiding himself. But his team was still here now, anxious, probably afraid, but still here.
Only because they didn't learn all of Levi's past. And they never would.
"I…I remember everything different from everyone," Eren said, and then he gave Levi a pleading look. "Maybe you did too?" Eren stroked his hand gently, and Levi knew that Eren was with him. Eren remembered.
"Your hand is sweaty, brat," Levi said as he took Eren's hand in his, and Eren's brightened face was almost worth the disgusting germs that must have clung onto his hand by now.
Levi tried to stay awake, but his exhaustion began to pull at his eyelids, and he fell back into unconsciousness once more.
Levi was home today.
His mother had been trying to make his favorites this whole week, and his father had been taking him on hunting trips outside the city more often this month. Levi had tried to play with his two little brothers as much as he could, teaching them how to string a bow or how to skin a squirrel and how to whistle. The sun was warm, but the wind was getting chillier because it was nearing the end of summer. The fall harvest was coming, and with it was Levi's twelfth birthday, marking him of age for military service.
They were having breakfast again, simple fresh baked bread from the bakery ran by his uncle with strong tea. His mother lightly scolded Levi for holding the mug wrong, again, and his two brothers had showed him their best grins, charmed with missing baby teeth, each lifting up their own mugs to teach Levi how to hold it properly, and Levi had stuck out his tongue at them because he knew, thank you very much. His father hastily got up from the table when the bell chimed, and he ruffled each of the kids' hair before he left for work.
Then his mother walked to Levi. She handed him a familiar jacket with a pair of crossing wings in the back. A sad smile graced her face.
"I have to go, don't I?"
Levi realized that he had forgotten everyone's faces and voices, and all he could conjure up were faint images of the memories he had long buried. There were so many things that he wanted to say, that he was sorry, that it was all his fault, that he wanted things to be so much different than what they were.
But as Levi took the jacket from his mother, all he could say was, "Thank you. I'm going now."
His mother leaned down and whispered something in his ear, and then the dream faded away as Levi slowly woke up.
He remembered his name.
Levi was sitting in his office, contemplating how to report the incident to Erwin when Eren knocked at his door. "Corporal?" Levi didn't have a chance to tell him to come in before Eren did anyway.
"I know you have a brain," said Levi when Eren closed the door behind him. "Somewhere in that piss-poor mind of yours, you must have remembered what I taught you about knocking."
"Yes, Corporal," Eren said automatically, and Levi resisted the urge to sigh. "I heard that you're looking for me?"
"I want to show you something," Levi said, and then he hesitated. "But only if you don't pry beyond what I'm willing to tell you."
"Yes, Corporal," said Eren. "What are you going to show me?"
Levi stood from his seat and drew the curtains of the window closed. "Come closer to the desk."
"Yes, Corporal."
Levi walked around the desk toward Eren, and Eren looked at him curiously as he came closer and closer to Eren until they were only two feet apart.
There was no turning back now.
Levi took a deep breath before he slipped off his jacket and placed it on his desk. Eren watched silently as Levi began undoing the straps from his chest, slipped his shoulders free, and let the straps dropped to hang off his hip. It wasn't until Levi began undoing his cravat that Eren got an idea of what Levi was doing. "Umm, Corporal? What are you showing me?"
"Shut up, Eren," Levi said as he began unbuttoning his shirt, and Eren looked away, flushing in embarrassment. "What are you—you've gone through basic training. You must have seen naked men before."
"I have!" Eren said. "It's not the same."
Levi scoffed. Even though Eren was turning his face away, his curious eyes were still trailing secretively to Levi's strip show, and Levi was tempted to tell Eren that he might as well stopped pretending and get an eyeful because he wasn't fooling anyone.
However, Levi didn't have to say anything because as he slipped his shirt off completely, Eren's gaze immediately turned to his bare skin, eyes wide with horrified wonder and mouth gaping with shock.
"Corporal, this is—"
"Don't you dare ask any question."
"I understand." Eren's voice was very soft, and even though he wasn't uncomfortable with Eren gazing his body, he was uncomfortable with the tone of Eren's voice, and he swore, if the brat tried to pity him—
"Do they hurt?"
"Didn't I just say 'no questions'?" Levi frowned. "And of course not. It was a long time ago."
Nevertheless, he could still remember the pain from each scar crisscrossing his body, which ones were made by someone else and which ones he made himself. There were so many covering his body that it was harder to find an unblemished patch of skin than it was to find a scar.
"This is just one of the many things I had to pay in order to suppress my titan shifting," said Levi. "And it has been a small price to pay."
Levi could tell that Eren wanted to ask what else he had to pay, but Levi couldn't tell Eren, and it wasn't because he wanted to hide it from Eren, but because he didn't trust himself to pull together afterwards. Levi could feel Eren's gaze trailing to his neck, usually hidden by a cravat, now bare with a single long scar that slashed down into his chest.
"You won't tell me how you got these."
"No questions." Levi's voice was firm.
"Can I touch them?"
"If you want."
Levi flinched a little at Eren's feathery touch, and Eren jerked his hand back, only for Levi to catch it and placed it on his chest. "It's fine," Levi said. "I told you; they don't hurt anymore."
"Not physically, no," Eren's eyes were downcast, and Levi wanted to tell him to quit looking like that. "But—"
"Don't," Levi warned him, and Eren dropped the topic.
Eren's fingers were warm as they brushed over his scars, and Levi felt the tension slowly bled from his body.
"I'm showing you this so that you know the kind of person that you trusted your life to," Levi said. "My body isn't the only part of me that's filled with scars—you've seen my past. Do you still want to trust me? Do you still wanted me to help you control your titan shifting? When I'm like this?"
Eren didn't say anything at first, just tracing his fingers over Levi's body gently, as if Levi still felt pain from those old wounds. For a long time, they stayed like that, breathing in the comfort of the other's presence, until Eren spoke.
"My mother didn't want me to join the Scouting Legion, but my father didn't mind. In fact, I would say that he encouraged it. My last memory was of him screaming at me, but I don't remember what he'd said."
"I—I'd thought that maybe he'd known that I would shift into a titan," Eren's voice cracked. "That he was scared of me even though he'd loved me, that he wanted to let me go to the Scouting Legion because there would be people who could stop me, even though that might mean securing my death."
"Eren—"
"I would be honored to place my life in your hand," Eren continued. "You're the bravest and strongest soldier I've known, and you understand my biggest fear more than anyone because you have the same fear. Please." Eren's voice was barely a whisper now.
Levi grabbed Eren's fist and placed it on his left chest, and Eren's eyes were filled with shock as Levi curled his arm in a salute, offering his heart.
"I will protect you even if it means death," said Levi.
Levi's heart beat beneath his skin, human and powerful and safe against Eren's hand, and Eren pulled Levi in to his arms, sobbing worries and relief into his shoulder as Levi's words embraced him.
"You're not alone."
Levi was in his office when Erwin knocked on his door. Perhaps there was something wrong with his door in particular because like Eren, Erwin walked in anyway without Levi's approval.
"Is there a reason why no one waits for me to say anything before they decide to barge in through my doors?" Levi asked, wondering if Eren was picking up bad habits from Erwin.
Erwin said with something that vaguely resembled amusement if he wasn't looking so serious, "You don't let anyone in even if they ask for your permission."
"Really?" As Levi thought back on it, this was actually true. Perhaps he was too hasty in blaming Eren for this, not that he ever would admit that aloud. Not that it mattered, since Eren knew to rudely barge in without asking anyway.
"You've talked to Eren," Erwin said, and Levi suddenly remembered why he hadn't yet reported to Erwin.
"It's difficult not to when I'm in charge of him," said Levi.
"You know that's not what I meant," Erwin frowned, and Levi knew, but he had pretended not to. "You've shifted."
"I haven't hurt anyone," Levi said defensively, feeling his heart jumping into panic even though it had been a long time since Erwin had touched him.
"I've heard from Hanji's report," Erwin said. "What did Eren has to say about it?"
"Nothing," Levi said uncertainly, a little bothered by Erwin's directing the conversation. He wasn't here because Levi had shifted into a titan; there was something else that he wanted, but Levi was having problems figuring it out.
"I see." Erwin's face was expressionless, but Levi could sense displeasure from the tensed line of his shoulders. "Do you really think you could keep him in line?"
"It's not like I have a choice." Levi wasn't sure why they even brought this topic up because he thought it was fairly clear that no one else could do the job, and he unconsciously began to drift away from the conversation because Erwin's words were all things that he had heard before. Erwin kept asking him questions, and he answered them with as less annoyance as he could. However, when a lot of time had passed and a lot of Erwin's words went through his ears, Levi finally caught the subtlety of Erwin's tone because he interrupted the last of Erwin's question.
"Wait, did you want me to have complete control over Eren? The same that you have over me?"
Erwin paused, then spoke. "I thought I've made myself very clear."
"You have," Levi said slowly, wondering if it was wise to say "but I didn't think you were being serious," but he instead said, "I also thought I have made myself clear when I mentioned that this was up to Eren to decide." Suddenly the pieces came together in Levi's mind, and Levi remembered Erwin's orders before Eren's trial. At the time he had thought it was all for show, but he'd never thought that Erwin actually wanted it to be real.
"You've made a promise, in front of Zacklay, I might add, to train Eren as you would a dog."
"I've also once told Zacklay that I would rip off his mustache and shove it up his ass," Levi said. "But that doesn't mean I'm actually going to do it."
"I don't understand why you are so opposed to this when it comes to Eren, but it was okay when it was for you," Erwin placed his hands on Levi's desk and leaned forward menacingly, and Levi clenched his fists, resisting the urge to growl. It shocked him how upset he was, how tempted he was to stand up and snap back at Erwin even though years of training had kept him under Erwin's control. Perhaps that moment with Eren in his dream, that instant when he transformed back into a titan had changed something inside Levi and had freed a monster inside him.
"It's different because I've made a choice back then. Eren has not." At Levi's tone, Erwin's frown deepened. Levi had once made a choice for Erwin to leave scars on his body, but Eren had not, and Levi wouldn't let him. Eren was different. Eren's will would not be submissive to anybody, not even Levi, and Levi wanted Eren to remain that way.
Eren had asked Levi for his trust, not for his dominance. And Levi had given his heart as an answer.
"Eren, like you, does not have a choice in this matter."
"I've given him a choice."
Levi knew that Erwin was carefully studying the expression on his face, and Levi made sure that Erwin saw nothing but determination. Levi wasn't going to back down on this. Not this time.
"You'll regret this," Erwin said softly, as if he was afraid for Levi's broken heart.
"You don't have to worry about me," Levi said, unwilling to go back on his words now.
The day quickly cooled down into night, and Levi was about to sleep when there was a knock on his bedroom door. He wondered if it was one of the members from his squad, probably asking about the situation tomorrow, and Levi would have nothing to tell them except that he was going to brief them tomorrow morning.
It turned out to be Eren, however. "Corporal?"
Levi sat up on his bed and waited for Eren to rudely barge in as per usual, but after a while when there was silence, Levi called out, "Come in."
"Why did you decide to be polite now?" Levi said irritably as Eren closed the door behind him, and Eren gave him a deer-like look. "Never mind," Levi sighed.
"I'm sorry for bothering you in the middle of the night," Eren scratched the back of his neck, looking uncomfortable. "But I…"
Levi watched Eren curiously, but when it seemed that Eren wasn't going to elaborate further, he said, "Just spit it out already."
Eren hesitated for a moment before approaching Levi, and Levi watched him warily as he reached a hand inside his shirt. "Just because I've shown you my bare chest doesn't mean you have to reciprocate with something equally ridiculous."
"I'm not here for that," Eren said, sounding a little miffed, and before Levi could make another comment, Eren continued. "I have something to give you."
"Alright," said Levi. He was skeptical of what Eren had for him in the middle of the night while he was in his bed, but it couldn't be as bad as what Hanji usually had for him.
Eren pulled out a key from his shirt and looped the chain over his head. He handed it to Levi, and Levi stared at it, recognizing it right away. It was the presume key to the basement of Eren's house, but it was also key to why Eren was alive right now, the key to Eren's life, the key to humanity's victory.
"I can't accept that," said Levi.
"You have given me your heart," Eren said, refusing to retreat. "This is the least I could give you."
"Eren—"
"I've said that I would be honored to place my life in your hand." Eren grabbed Levi's hand and wrapped it around the key. Levi wanted to pull away, but Eren's grip was firm. "You now have it."
"Eren," Levi began, and Eren tightened his hold on Levi's hand. Levi thought of his promise to Eren as he felt the key, still warm with the heat of Eren's body.
He was now holding Eren's life in his hand. Levi had made his choice, and now Eren had made his. As Levi looked into Eren's unwavering eyes, he realized that perhaps Eren had made his choice a long time ago, back when he had told Levi that he knew Levi's violence during the trial was necessary, back when he had looked at Levi with trepidation, but still honestly said that he didn't hate Levi. Eren had been sure way back then. It was only now that Levi caught up to Eren's pace.
"I understand," Levi said, and Eren sighed in relief. He pulled his hand from Eren's and looped the key around his neck. "I will protect it with my life."
"Thank you," Eren said, and it was the first time that Levi saw him smiled.
They were going to ride out tomorrow.
Tomorrow, they would be going on a mission that might cost their lives. Tomorrow, they would force themselves to swallow every ounce of humanity as soldier after soldier fell to the titan pursuing Eren. Tomorrow, there would be deaths and tears and disappointment and grief. Tomorrow, there would be a trail of blood following Eren, as it had always been.
But today, they would make do with the promises they'd made to each other.