"No" I said as I closed my eyes and shook my head. "Please tell me that you're not telling the truth."
Just the thought of him telling the truth sent me into a full blown anxiety attack. My breathing slowed and my chest got extremely heavy. I felt as though my lungs filled with lead and I was going to stop breathing completely.
"I'm sorry Azriel but this is how it has to be...I can't be with you anymore. Our relationship is just to serious right now and I'm still young. You're holding me back from my life" I felt him wrap his arms around my waist and pull me closer. He kissed my head and placed his chin on my head. "I still love you" he whispered.
"Don't..." was all I could say. I was surprised that I could even say that. My throat was closed and I felt like I was suffocating. I wanted to tell him to let go of me. I wanted tell him that I didn't want him to touch me and I wanted him to leave. I wanted to punch him in the fucking face for doing this. But I couldn't I could hardly lift my head up much less punch someone.
It was crazy...his touch actually began to calm me down. I was getting angry, but mostly with myself. He was breaking up with me and gave me an anxiety attack - I haven't had one in over 3 months - and here I was, pathetically holding my face in my hands and the one thing that calms me down is him...HIM!
I don't know how long we sat there for but when I finally calmed down I just stood up and looked at him. I looked at his thin lips. Those lips that I had kissed so many times before. I looked at his dark eyes and hair. He is so beautiful I thought. He stood up in front of me. He was taller than me. My head reached just above his shoulders.
"Are you going to be okay?" He asked, his eyes sad but not tearing.
"Eventually..." I looked down as I spoke. I knew that if I had looked in his eyes I would break down again.
He grabbed my shoulder and pulled me in for one last hug. I squeezed his waist tightly and inhaled his strong scent one last time.
"I love you Matt" I said as I let go of his waist and looked him in the eye.
"I know" he whispered and turned away to walk to his car.
I sat on my front porch watching him pull out of my driveway and down the street. I knew that would be the last time I would see that, but I hoped it wasn't. I stared at the grass on my front lawn recalling memories of Matt and I. The first day I met him in my Humanities class in college. The first time he talked to me and how I immediately felt my heart beat against my ribs as he said my name for the first time. I thought about how perfect our first kiss was. He was sitting beside me in our lecture hall and he asked me a question. I looked at him and he pulled my face into his with his big rough hands and kissed me with such tender passion I totally forgot that we were in a lecture of over 200 other people. I recalled the first time he told me he loved him which let to the first time we had sex. I had to stop at that memory because it only made my heart feel empty, knowing that I was never going to feel his body that way again.
I heard the door open behind me and felt someone sit down beside me. I turned to see my roommate Layla pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. "Hey babe" she spoke softly as she scooted closer to me put her hand around my shoulder. "You'll be okay, I promise"
I loved how she just knew what happened. We had a very special way of communicating; she always seemed to know what was on my mind. With her free hand she continued to smoke and since there was a slight breeze the smoke blew in my direction. That only brought back memories of Matt...I never liked smoking when I was younger but being around Layla and Matt so much make me kinda like it.
"Snap out of it! Matt is a dick and doesn't deserve the time you spend thinking about him" Layla sounded pretty upset but I knew she was only trying to help.
I looked at her and kissed her cheek. "I know babe, I'm gonna go lie down for a bit. Thank you. Love you"
I lazily walked into my room and crawled into bed. I didn't lie underneath the covers; I just lay down staring at my celling until I could no longer resist the urge. I reached into the bedside table and grabbed my small change purse that contained absolutely no money. Instead it held my razors, different sizes and sharpness. I didn't even care about which one I used. I just needed to feel alive after Matt ripped my heart out. I had begun to feel numb while thinking about Matt. That's how Layla could tell I was upset. There was no life in my eyes. I picked up the first razor my fingers touched and began the run the blade across my fingers, jus tot make sure it would do the job. I put the blade to my forearm and held it there. The feeling of the cold blade hitting my skin was exhilarating to me. Once I pressed down and felt the end break my skin I began to glide the blade down my arm. One cut, then two and then I couldn't stop. Seeing the blood flow out of my arm reminded that I still did have a heart and that I was alive. It was the only thing I could control. Bleeding. With me not being to control my anxiety attacks or even my relationship it felt amazing to be able to finally control what happened to me. I caused this...and I was damn proud.