This is my response to the end of Mass Effect 3. I know this is kind of crack-ish but I had fun writing it. I deliberately left it vague so you could be free to fit your own version. This is obviously male Shepard and I used the control ending. I'm not entirely pleased with this but I've made it the best I can. Any suggestions?

Shepard Laidun Year: 2203

18 years. They say Commander Shepard saved the galaxy 18 years ago today but that's not how I remember that day. Actually, I couldn't remember that day because I wasn't born yet but I remember dreading this day every year. This is the day my mom looks over at the reaper watching over us and cries. She says it's just allergies but I know better. Today is the day my Daddy died to protect us all. That's right. Commander Shepard is my dad. No one mentions him as my father and that's okay. Aunt Karin said she never called him by his first name. Something about being disrespectful to the memory of everyone he was fighting for. Or something like that.

How do I know he's my dad? Well, that's a little complicated. After the Normandy crashed on this unknown planet (figures; only Uncle Joker would manage to crash us on a planet not even EDI has heard of) and everyone had finished emptying their stomachs in the bushes, a whole bunch of other ships show up, including the modified Destroyer-class Reaper. There was a little of everyone on board those ships. Asari commandos, Turian engineers, a group of Quarian scientists, Elcor, Salarian, a Spectre platoon, a frigate's worth of human soldiers, and some very out of place Krogan standing next to a batch of even more out of place Geth units. Like I said, I wasn't born yet but Aunt Karin says the holograms didn't do it justice and the holograms are funny enough. A Krogan staring uneasily at a completely oblivious Geth Prime. It was hilarious! But this really doesn't explain the whole Commander Shepard as my dad thing, does it? Alright, alright, keep your shirt on! I'm getting to that part.

After everyone landed, and got a 'safe' distance from the reaper, they got together and decided what to do next. Apparently whatever my dad did to stop the reapers made the mass relays malfunction. It took 6 years to rebuild the connections between systems. Anyway, they all got together and decided to live here. Even the Krogan liked it here. I think that's just because there was plenty of things to fight back then. A Geth Prime unit, we call him Atari now, recommended they name the planet after Commander Shepard. Not everyone agreed at first but, come on, who's gonna argue over something like a planet name with 40 Prime units and 70 Geth assault units? One Krogan, a not very bright one it seems, said, "Why not just call this place 'That idiot Shepard's pasture for emotionally disturbed sheep who can't stop bleating for their mommy'?" Ah, I never get tired of the vid of what happened after. To spare you the details, 5 minutes later Mom was pried off him by Garrus who had 7 new bruises, and Aunt Karin had to spend 2 hours stitching the Krogan up. Oh, and they had to replace the butt of Mom's pistol. Needless to say they made sure Mom didn't have any guns around until after the meeting. She blamed the pregnancy hormones when I first showed her the vid. Yeah, she was only maybe 2 weeks along when that happened. I really don't think she could blame me just yet.

Anyway, they decided Shepard's Pasture wasn't the worst name for planet. EDI says if you go far enough back in Commander Shepard's bloodline you'll find an ancestor who lived in a place called Finland. I've never seen Earth except in holograms but I'm amazed how one species could isolate itself down into so many pieces. I have to deal with at least three different species a day; four if Geth are considered a species. (I think the Salarians are still debating that. Keelah, those guys can argue! I heard two of them disagreeing over what one had for breakfast earlier today. I'm pretty sure she knows what she ate! Right, sorry, focusing on the story now.) Anyway, EDI used an old translation software that some Atari had lying around (no one ever did find out why he had it; maybe I should interrogate, I mean, sweetly ask him about that later) and translated Shepard's Pasture into Finnish. Hence, Shepard Laidun or just plain Laidun on the galaxy maps. The council still doesn't want to give him the credit of being savior of the galaxy. (You'd think they would be a little more grateful but apparently they weren't happy when they lost the Citadel. But come on, they got it back in position in the Widow system and most everything was back where it belonged. Alright, okay! No more side rants until the end of my story... Meanie.)

After everything was agreed on, everyone settled down and started making babies. Apparently, they all decided they needed to populate the planet. Aunt Karin would probably say it was some sort of survival instinct after near-death experience. No one knew how long the mass relays it would be until the mass relays were repaired, if they could ever be repaired. I'll just go with Aunt Karin's explanation. I barely understand my own mind let alone a large group who had just been scared out of their wits. (…I'm going to ignore that crack about my mind and move on.) Babies started rolling out, almost literally. Krogan babies free from the genophage, Salarian babies ready to grow up into scientists, Asari babies already curious about everything. Babies, babies, babies. Plus humans, Elcor, hybrids, and others. Uncle Joker and EDI are actually making a baby now. And I mean welding together a body and writing the personality code. And the Geth are doing the same. It's more than a little strange to think about. Well, on the upside, I never was lonely growing up.

Now to the part you're actually interested in. Uncle Garrus and Aunt Tali took you to the Citadel before you really spent too much time here when you were little but everyone always told us to stay away from the reaper. It was dangerous and off limits but you know me. I inherited my eyes and sense of adventure form my dad and my curiosity and determination from my mom. (Hmm? Oh, ha-ha. Yes and I got my ADD from Mordin. You're very funny. You do realize that doesn't make any sense, right?...Oh, real mature Kaiden…Don't make me show you what EDI taught me about Turian pressure points. That's better. Now where was I?)

Anyway, I never really was good at following directions. I went when I was 14. It was massive but it looked kind of like the cuttlefish Mom used to have in the fish tank on the Normandy SR-2. (And before you ask, no, I don't know why she had a cuttlefish in the tank.) But it had been modified somehow. Everyone was always looking at holos of reaper ships and we were taught to recognize different types quickly. This one looked like a Destroyer-class form a distance but when you got closer you could see its "eyes" were green instead of red and it has a sensor relay on it that could probably scan the whole system at one time. When I got to the legs, there was a flashing biometric pad on one. I put my hand on it and biotic energy pulled me up and into the center of the reaper.

(What kind of dumb question is that? Of course, I was scared! I had just been kidnapped by a reaper!) I just started walking down the corridor. I figured if I was going to be stuck there I may as well explore. I was scared until I came to the room with all the monitors. Those monitors showed everything. And I mean everything! I saw rebuilding on Thessia, a Krogan giving birth on Tuchanka (yuck!), and some humans playing football on Earth. The reaper was connected to every other reaper ship in the galaxy! The football was interesting to watch but you can only listen to a Krogan cursing at her mate for so long before it's time to find something else. (Yes, that explains my colorful vocabulary. That and the fact I live on a planet colonized by soldiers.) A little bit away from the screaming Krogan were more screens but all the stuff seemed to come from only one source. Some were of fighting, some were eating in the Normandy mess hall, and there were even a couple of a dancing bison in a tutu. (No they were not shot by a disturbed stalker, you idiot! Keelah! They were Commander Shepard's memories!...Okay, no, I can't really explain the bison part. I'm kind of hoping they were just weird dreams.) One monitor almost hidden in the back was dated the night before the final assault on Earth. It showed him cleaning his shotgun and adding a spare thermal clip before he whirled around with his pistol raised. I guess he heard something you couldn't here on the recording/memory/thing because my mom was standing behind him. All I saw was him putting down the pistol quickly and striding over to my mom before the monitor went black and I heard a voice. It said," I don't care if I am mostly dead. Your mother would still kill me if I accidentally showed you that." So I'm back to full on panic mode when I feel something on my shoulder. I turn around and there he is in all his synthetic/holographic glory. Commander Shepard, fully armed and dressed in his Terminus armor, just without the helmet.

I'm standing there gaping like a fish (no comments from the peanut gallery, Vakarian vas Normandy. Wow, you really need a shorter last name.) and my expression must have been priceless because he starts laughing. Big gut-wrenching laughs. Now you know me, I hate being laughed at so I kicked him in the shin…and then started hopping around. I have a strong kick and he had a metal shin. (Stop laughing! It hurt!) After he stopped chuckling (don't start!) he led me over to a chair that seemed to just appear. Apparently, my face showed my curiosity because he started some sort of technical explanation that I just sort of tuned out. I guess he noticed that because he starts smiling again. And, being Commander Shepard, decided to drop the bombshell. (No, not literally. I'm really beginning to wonder how you're related to your parents.) All he said was, "Yeah, you're definitely my little girl. I always used to tune out techno-mumble too. Now I am tech. You got your kick from your mom though. And your glare." And I was definitely glaring at him. Who drops the "I'm your dad bombshell" like that? I had already guessed but I still felt annoyed enough to let him know what I thought with some curses I heard the soldiers say, a few "bosh'tet"s which I learned from your mom, and a few new words I picked up from the Krogan still giving birth on the monitor in the other room.

One eyebrow cocked when I started ranting, the other one went up when I started ranting in Quarian, and he looked sheepish by the time I got to my new Krogan insults. Afterwards, while I was catching my breath, he began explaining what happened. When he grabbed the controls his molecules were torn apart and part of his consciousness was sent to each reaper ship. He said it was like having twenty thousand things to do and only six one-hundredths of a second to do it all. After imposing the command to stop all attacks on planets, the majority of his consciousness was transferred into the Destroyer-class reaper. There are others on just about every planet and moon in the galaxy, helping to rebuild from the war and ready to defend should something else attack. Dad sent this reaper to watch over us personally. He said he finally knows what EDI feels like having to split her consciousness between multiple places. He had just been able to concentrate enough to create a synthetic body for himself. We talked for a while. Mostly about the Alliance, Mom, and, of course, he said he saw your parents getting together a mile away. Eventually, he told me it was time to go back home. He said my mom would be worried, which ended up being a real understatement. He led me back to where I first landed inside the reaper and handed me two things. His N7 dog-tags (even he's not sure how they survived when nothing else did) and this metal bracelet. He told me the bracelet would only work in an emergency but that he would always be around. I didn't want to leave. I hugged him and wouldn't let go. (Oh, lay off. You would hug your dad too if you thought you would never see him again.) He hugged be back for a minute but eventually made me let go. He kissed me on the forehead and told me that I would always be his little girl and to stay out of trouble. I barely had time to reply before I was back outside but I managed to shout back "No promises!" I had the distinct feeling the reaper was glaring at me when I landed back on the ground.

It was getting dark so after I hid the bracelet and dog-tags in my pockets I ran back to the Normandy. Mom was furious for me being gone so long without telling anyone where I was (well, I couldn't exactly say I was with my dad now, could I?) and sent me to my room in the starboard cargo hold. I took out the dog-tag and put them on. I haven't taken them of since then. I looked at the bracelet for a while but eventually decided I wouldn't figure it out until Dad decided to show me. Mom eventually pried out the fact that I had been up with the reaper. After she read me the riot act, she grounded me for a month and said I would have to have someone come with me whenever I went too far from the ship. That is why there is always a Geth assault unit around me. I named him George. He's actually pretty cool. The only time he was really a pain was after I had to use the bracelet the first time. Anyway, come on. It's Traynor's turn to cook supper and we're going to be late. At least her food isn't all hypo-allergenic. I love your mom but her cooking is another story. Well, of course Dad showed me what the bracelet did eventually! It was pretty awesome too. But that's a story for another time. Now, come on!