Disclaimer. I own only the concept. Everything else belongs to other people.
Trigger warnings. Child abuse, rape, self harm, attempted suicide. Possibly others. This is rated M. I tried not to be too explicit. (Later chapters.)
Note; After the first chapter, the focus will not always be on jade, so don't get too confused.
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It was four AM and Jade was awake. Sleep had abandoned her, and she had allowed her current worries to let her internal defenses down. In search for her answers she had started looking back, reflecting on what had happened. Her mind was busy tracing the past and present, looking at how those two factors interwove to make her path to the future.
Here she was, halfway through her twenty second year, lying in a bed paid for by someone else, living in a home paid for by that same person. How had she become a kept woman? Glancing briefly at her left hand, she reminded herself that the term most people used used was wife, but it felt the same to her tonight. Jade had traded her love for security. Yes, they were in love, but Jade honestly felt that she hadn't earned anything yet. She certainly didn't feel that she'd earned her wife's love. Her pride screaming that until they were equals, she could lose everything when her wife changed her mind.
Once again reminded how this house, with it's wonderful view, wasn't hers. Jade had come in after it was bought. Yes, maybe the house was bought for her to live in, but that didn't ease her troubled mind. Abandoning all hopes of sleep, Jade got up to look out the window, thinking about how she got here.
Her earliest memories came from when she was four, and they were a mixture of sorrow and joy. She remembers when her brother, Maxwell West, was born. She would come to love the little guy, but at four years old she couldn't help wonder if she was being replaced. She didn't know it at the time, Her parents had gotten married because her father had gotten her mother pregnant, and by the time they figured that out it was too late to get rid of her. While they never told her directly, Jade always knew they blamed her for the misery in their marriage. The coming of her brother, a baby they planned and wanted, made her feel like she wasn't good enough. The loved him almost unconditionally, and Jade would see the way their eyes would light up when they spoke of him, even before he was born. Max was a good kid, and probably the only member of her family to love her unconditionally. Their parents, Miranda and Henry West, had allowed their resentment of their unhappy marriage to poison their feelings for Jade. She would always be to blame. Years later they would admit some feelings for her, but by then Jade would be too far gone for them to easily fix the problem.
(shifting from memories to narrative)
Jade soon found Solis in the form of a couple of friends at school. Jade entered preschool, then Kindergarten at the prescribed age, and made a few good friends despite being a little "weird". Kristen was probably her best friend. When other kids tried to bully Jade for being different, Kristen would be protective of her, claiming that everyone deserved to have friends. Jade's heart opened in that way young kids make friends so quickly. Kristen was there for her through the difficult times up until first grade. Jade was getting used to having someone to hang out with, to go on play dates with, and in general to care about her. Moreover Tanya, Kristen's mother, was a wonderful woman who seemed to have the patience of a saint. Kristen's older brother Richard, often called Ricky, was a special needs boy, so someone to help distract the girl was a blessing to her. Soon Jade found herself spending almost as much time with Kristen's family as with her own.
Jade and Kristen should have been friends forever. They had the kind of mutual need that helped smooth over the rough spots. Jade, dark and moody, was more than willing to be friends with a girl who's brother was a constant source of adjuration. Kristen, bright and cheerful, was happy to have a friend who wasn't put off by Rickys near constant problems.
Ricky was often frustrated, and far too often his frustration turned to violence. He was just as often a sweet boy, protective of both Kristen and Jade. Only when he let his frustrations get out of hand was he dangerous. His self control was usually enough that he only damaged things, inanimate objects that couldn't feel the pain he wasn't sure he could dish out, but he was still a potential threat to his sister. Kristen was grateful that Jade could live with that kind of uncertainty in her life. In a small way, Ricky was Jade's friend as well, and the future goth was able to both relate to his feelings of being different and envy his family's unconditional love. A love she was beginning to feel a part of.
It was that wonderful, special family that would unfortunately put the next big hole in Jade's heart. One day, after dropping Jade off from a play date, Tonya was driving Kristen and her family to some appointment for Ricky. Jade heard that he somehow got loose, lost control and gave into his frustrations, but it was just as likely he didn't do anything wrong. All she knew for sure was that the next day Kristen wasn't at school, and she was alone again. Jade would soon go to her first funeral. Kristen, her parents and her brother were laid to rest the same day, and Jade was there to say goodby. She received no comfort at the funeral, her family was only present out of a sense of obligation. They mourned the loss of anyone willing to take their dark, useless child off their hands, even for a few hours, and that was it. As for the rest of the funeral, Jade listened, filtered it through her guilt, and heard what she thought she should. The talk, the blame, Jade listened and absorbed it all. No one said anything, not one suspected it was her fault, but a girl used to being the cause of misery was quick to add one more tragedy to her resume. If her parents had cared for her at all, they might have made an attempt to tell her otherwise, but they were too consumed by their own loss.
By this point, Maxwell was growing into an inquisitive two year old. Jade couldn't take much joy in his explorations. His needs almost always came first, and his parents didn't hear the thread in their voices that told the girl she had been a disappointment. They were unaware of the painful scars they left in her psych, or just didn't care. Jade was a burden, while Max was a Joy. The only good thing Jade learned from that period was to forgive Max for things he could not control. After the loss of her friend, Jade was lost in a sea of f hurt and abandonment. She knew both that she wasn't supposed to feel abandoned, and that it was her fault they were gone. If she hadn't been Kristen's friend, then the whole family would still be alive.
Jade was becoming despondent. Desperate for anyone to accept her. She was convinced no one would ever love her again. With her parents attention focused on not making the same mistakes with their precious son, Jade was forced to turn to other adults for support, and found some in the form of a neighbor.
Neil Hanagan could have been one of a dozen different kinds of bad experiences that a child might find when looking outside the house for an adult to love them. He turned out to be a lonely retired salesman who's hobby was woodworking. In his push to stay active and engaged he was slowly building the skills for a new career as a craftsman. Jade found him one day working in his shed. She'd climbed the fence, looking to escape the pain she associated with her home, and found him hammering some nails in one of his projects. Neil let her watch, not asking her any questions, and slowly over days he built up enough of her trust for her to talk to him. Their first talk was simple. Jade asked "Can I use the hammer?"
"Depends. Do your parents know where you are?" Neil asked.
"They don't care. They're busy with the baby." Jade replied, sounding hurt.
"I'll let you use the hammer, but we gotta follow some rules. First, You have to tell me your name." Neil said. "I'm Neil, by the way."
"Jade." She said. She'd already come to hate Jadealyn.
"Good. Now, we have to let your parents know where you are. So tell me your address so I can talk to them." Neil said.
"Okay" Jade replied, "I live in that house." She said, pointing. He noticed she wasn't a direct neighbor, but had to pass through a yard next door to get to him.
"Third, you only use tools under my supervision." He said, taking her hand. He walked her around the block to her front door. Once there, he knocked, and when Miranda answered, he asked if it was Okay for Jade to spend time with him. It was almost scary how easily the girls mother said yes, discarding her child to a neighbors care without bothering to check who he might be.
So she became his apprentice, but her early duties were mostly hammering anything he'd let her. He always watched carefully to make sure she was safe. As time went on, he would listen on the rare occasion she needed to vent, and he showed her the appreciation she so desperately needed. For two years he was her friend and mentor. He even purchased her a hammer, lighter than his so the young girl could use it more easily. The most lasting thing he taught her was how to use a hammer, and it's reflections on how to live life. She was taught that you get more force holding the hammer at the end, but you lost much of the control. Holding the hammer closer to the head gave more control, and that was what drove the nails in straight. Control in life meant giving up some force, some power, but also there was a power in control. It could have been a defining lesson for the girl, who would hold onto it even when it made no sense, if her history hadn't gotten involved. It was, however, what would get her through a lot of her life when she had no power or control. When given a choice, she would always choose control.
Neil helped Jade through the rough times of her parents divorce. She needed the escape, and he loved the company. Her home life was deteriorating, often filled with wild emotions from her parents and confusion for her and her brother. Jade often had to hold Max as her parents fought, their voices echoing up from the floor below. She'd go to check on him once the fighting started, and if he was awake, she'd stay with him. It was during one of those arguments when she heard them specifically give her the blame.
"I wish I'd never married you, you gold digging harpy!" Henry West shouted. Jade held onto Max as he shook, tears running down his face. He often slept through their arguments, so this was newer to him than it was to her. All he really understood was that his parents were angry.
"We'll, I never would have married you if you hadn't knocked me up!" Miranda West screamed back. "About the only descent things you've done is taking care of your children."
"I wish I'd just paid you off! You're unbearable, and that daughter of yours is so moody, it's maddening! I sometimes doubt she's mine!" he shouted back.
"Oh she's yours all right! We did the paternity test twice. I sometimes wish I had realized how much of a loser you were, and just got rid of that anchor before she ruined my life!" She shouted back. "But nooo, I had to try and keep your child. She's nothing like Maxwell! I swear, he's the only good thing to come out of you or this marriage."
"I can't believe you're blaming the whole thing on me!" Henry screamed back. "I know it was your plot to get me to take care of you! It's not my fault you ruined my life. You curtailed my career with your stupid needs, and now you can't be happy with what I earn."
"Yes I can. You're the one who couldn't figure out how to use a fucking condom! Now I want out! I want Max, and the house, and you out of my life!" Miranda screeched.
"No! It's my house, and he's my son. You want out, you can get out! Take that demon seed of yours and go! I'll find someone who can take care of me AND my son!" Henry screamed back.
And on and on it went. Both parents seemed to blame Jade, but somehow that absolved Max from any wrongdoing in the failure of their marriage. Her name wasn't mentioned specifically, but it was clear she was the cause of their pain, so yet again she took the blame for their loveless marriage.
She was part of the reason they were unhappy, and while they had expanded the list of causes to include each other, Jade now had her proof that they'd have been happy if she'd never been born. It became obvious, as the fighting escalated, that one of the few things they could agree on was that the only good thing to come out of the marriage was Max. Jade, seen by both as the dark, brooding child, was the living embodiment of their unhappiness. The only things they could all seem to agree on were that Howard and Miranda West disliked each other, everyone loved Max, and that Jade was somehow responsible for their miserable lives. Jade couldn't take comfort in that knowledge, and Neil couldn't convince her what fools her parents were to miss what an incredible daughter they had.
This wouldn't be the first time Jade noticed how they never blamed Max for failing to bring them together, nor would it be the last. She could understand how they forgave him and loved him, and even how they argued about who would be allowed to have him. They wanted him. She wanted to be near him. He didn't hate her. But the increasing comparisons to him were eating away at her love of the child. If not for Neil, she'd have broken once she realized that Max would always be their shining angel, and she'd always be the demon that infected the family. Again, Neil tried to convince her how special she was, and again failed against parents who seemed all too happy to have someone else take their part of the blame.
The divorce left other lasting emotional scars as well. During the divorce, her parents never asked for custody of her. Jade was the consolation prize, given to her mother when her father proved to be better able to care for Max. Miranda West was not unfit, but made the mistake of admitting in court that she couldn't care less about Jade. It wasn't totally true, but it would be a long time before she truly feat her love for her child. The statement cost her Max, and Howard gave her Jade to show he was "Fair." More likely he felt he could move on with his life with the good child, but the bad one would drag him down. Whatever the reason, the division of custody was done outside the court, after Henry already won everything he could want from the divorce. Miranda took what was offered, and tried to make due.
After her failure in court, Miranda West tried to get along with Jade. She initially wanted to try to make up for not wanting the moody girl, but there was a lot of damage done to the relationship. Jade would spend years trying to prove to her father she was worth fighting for. Only Max, too young to understand what was going on, seemed to love Jade, and she only saw him on the weekends her father chose to take her. He saw Jade as his big sister, and despite the limited contact, he loved the dark girl fiercely.
After the divorce, as a final act of unintended injury, Jade's parents sold the family home. Neither Henry nor Miranda wanted to live in a house so full of unhappy memories. Miranda and Jade moved into an apartment, and away from Neil. The loss of the one adult who seemed to care about her, even if it was just from her moving away, broke her damaged heart again. The fact that no one seemed to care, and Jade was told to tough it out, just made her feel like she was wrong. She always felt wrong. The years of accepting the blame added up quickly, and Jade soon came to the conclusion that she was wrong, that somehow a child of pure evil had been given to good people and that child, her, would only draw bad things.
Desperate to find something else to focus on, her fears of being alone mixing with other fears and her sense of being wrong in some kind of emotional cocktail, Jade's psych grabbed onto an event that was traumatic enough to be the focal point of all these rampant emotions. An encounter with an over friendly dolphin left her shaken, and in the year to follow, Jade would transfer her fears of being unlovable onto the fear of dolphins. They became her terror, until something else took their place. The fear of dolphins was more than enough to keep her away from the ocean, never going closer than ankle deep, and only then if she thought that no sea creature could swim up and get her. That fear also added to peoples assumption that she was weird.
Jade's life did get a little better after that, if only for a few months. Miranda West tried to make a connection with her daughter, and in the process earned some love from Jade. Miranda was probably trying to prove she was a good mother, so she could get Max back, but the reasons didn't matter. Jade, who's need for love at this point was almost chronic, took any love she could get. They did some, but not many, mother daughter activities, and Jade was enthralled by the simple acts. Jade couldn't forgive Miranda, because she didn't blame her, but the feeling of being cared about by one of her parents was almost a drug. It bound Jade to her mother with a strong sense of loyalty, and Jade could honestly say her future looked better. Then Richard came into her life.
Richard Mathews. Wealthy but not rich, good looking without being handsome, with a practiced charm that was just shy of being fake, Richard swept her mother off her feet. He romanced her mother, but in many ways the romance was more like a business deal. Miranda didn't like the apartment, or the used car, or any of the things she could afford after the divorce. Richard had a nice house, drove a newer car, and lived a comfortable life. After dating for a few months, Richards wealth had won Miranda over, and Miranda somehow got Richard to agree to the marriage despite Jade. Richard never wanted children. Still, some sort of deal had been struck, and Jade became Richard's stepdaughter.
The next year was a time of adjustment. Jade learned that Richard had rules. If her mother put a curfew or other restriction on her, she was to follow it. Jade had chores to do, and they had to be done on time. Jade was never to refer to Richard as father, dad, or in any way as her parent. She would address him as sir or Mister Mathews. Only under special circumstances could Jade refer to him as Richard, usually when he needed to impress some business associate, so that's how she referred to him to her friends. Not that she had many. She couldn't bring any friends over unless both her mother and Richard approved of them, and then she still had to ask. Breaking any rule would get Jade punished. Jade would be beaten by Richard. He was good at not leaving permanent marks, but Jade limped to school more than once. A couple of times, she never found out what she did to deserve the beating.
Other than the rules and her chores, Jade found her mother and Richard really didn't care about her. Jade quickly missed the times her mother acted like she cared. Richard had taken those days away. Still, she had no curfew as long as she got to school on time. She could visit friends, when she had any, or hang out at the park until late. Often they suggested she do just that, so she wouldn't be underfoot when Richard hosted one of this business get together. The exception was when his potential clients or friends wanted to meat her. The were stuffy, conservative man and women who didn't approve of her dark, moody ways. Richard gave her a yellow dress for her to wear at these events, and beat her until she agreed to wear it. She was to act like she loved him, like he was the best father in the world, or she wouldn't be allowed to eat for two days.
It was during these times that Jade learned to act, to sing, any talent that got her appreciated. His clients, stuffy as they were, loved it when the cute little girl performed for them. The rewards for the performances was that she was allowed to spend some time at the party. While the parties were boring and stifling, they also had fresh food, and adults who would lavish her with attention and say nice things about her.
Fresh food was important. Jade didn't eat with Richard and her mother, she was not to touch any food they might be wanting to cook and eat later. Jade was allowed the leftovers, and food that was nearing the end of it's edible life. She became a decent cook out of a need to survive on what she was offered. Jade's skill set improved along with her ability to find a place to be while her mother and Richard were using the house.
More often than the parties, Richard would be out. Sometimes he would take Miranda, and Jade would be left to fend for herself. In order to have what she needed, the intelligent girl expanded on her existing survival skills. Jade learned how to busk, to perform for money. That skill took a couple of hours and, since her only expenses were food and the occasional toy, usually gave her enough money to live on for a couple for days. Jade was in many ways a cross between a parentified child, being good at taking care of herself, and an abused child.
Then there were the complications of living with Richard. Jade did all she could to avoid breaking his rules, but soon suspected that avoiding punishment in any way was breaking his rules. Jade didn't have to do anything for the occasional beating. He seemed to enjoy inflicting pain on her. Whenever he had a bad day and Jade was home, he would take it out on her in some way. Jade learned another rule, when Richard is stalking her, she would be allowed to run, to hide, but not to leave the building and she was to never tell anyone. The threats he made, as well as peoples high opinion of him, seemed to back up the idea that it was best for her to just endure. He was the kind of man who could get away with anything. He told her as much at least once.
All the while, Miranda was reminding Jade how much better their lives were now that Richard was taking care of them. Jade's mother constantly warned Jade to be good, not to mess this up, or all the sacrifices she made for Jade would have been for nothing. Jade worried about what he was doing to her mother. Jade wondered if things could get worse. Then, after over two and a half years, Jade turned twelve and Puberty happened. It was as if nature had decided to answer her question.
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Welcome to the story that has kicked my ass for two months. And while it's close to done, I still need to edit.
I want to start by saying that this story was inspired by the story "Life circumstances" by Victorious-FutureFictions. Inspired, but by no means a copy. Still, if you haven't, read it.
I could shout out to all the writers who's work I love and admire, but I want to keep this under a novel.
Reviews are welcome but not necessary. This story is for me to write. Enjoy.