In retrospect Emma should have seen this coming. The kid's been squirrely ever since the incident with Ruby and Emma's not even sure 'squirrely' is a real word but that's what Henry has been. So when Regina tells her that the door is locked she doesn't even try to open it she just presses her fingers to her temple as a preemptive move to counter the head ache that will most definitely come with being trapped in a dark closet with Regina fucking Mills.
Five minutes later, after Regina has exhausted every magical lock breaking spell in her repertoire. Emma suggests using the 'Alohamora' spell. Something roughly the size of a baseball just barely misses her head bounces off the back wall at an angle and lands in a plastic bin that smells like pine needles. Emma can almost picture the words 'Holiday Decor' on the side in Regina's impeccably perfect hand writing.
"I told you to change this light bulb weeks ago!" Regina berates her as she flips the light switch near the door up and down three more times, just in case by some miracle it'll bring the dead bulb back to life.
This is true, she did tell Emma to change the light bulb, but the blonde had a pretty valid excuse as to why she didn't follow her majesty's commands. "Oh I'm sorry! I was a little distracted getting sucked into a time portal!" The phrase 'You're not the boss of me' flits through her mind but Emma wisely doesn't say it. She's also not entirely sure if it's true anyway.
Unsurprisingly, Regina finds this excuse completely unacceptable.
"How long Emma? How long does it take to go to the store and pick up a new light bulb and then come back here and change a light bulb?" It's a run on sentence. Regina has reached the level of angry where grammatical errors are irrelevant. "Does it take nine days? Because you've been back for nine days."
It's almost funny how Regina doesn't even acknowledge that she'd all but made a royal decree banning Emma from her presence. This is the first time Emma's even been in the mansion since she brought Marian back. "When I came back you got all bitchy so yeah I kind of figured: Fuck the hallway closet. She can change her own damn light bulbs!" Honestly what did Regina expect her to do? Sneak into the mansion and change the light bulb in the middle of the night? "I don't even live here!" Emma finishes.
From outside of the closet they hear an excited, "Woah, it worked!"
Emma moves past Regina to bang against the door, "What the hell, kid?!"
"Henry? Are you doing this? How did you do this?" Regina is the embodiment of half proud mother and half disciplinarian. And with each passing second that Henry does not lift whatever sorcery he's used to set them up like this the latter side gains. "Open the door, Henry... Henry." She warns, slowly drawing out the thirteen-year-old's name.
"This isn't funny son. Your mother and I have-" she catches herself wagging her finger at the door and then realizes the teen can't see her.
"Ma, I'm right about this! Remember what we talked about?" Emma winces. She really should have seen this coming and a part of her is surprised that Regina wasn't the first person that Henry would think to push her toward.
"Henry Reginald Mills." Oh crap, she just 'full-named' him. "You let us out this instant!" Regina is now in full disciplinarian mode. Emma didn't even know that Henry had a middle name. Wait, hold on did she really just say 'Reginald'? Re-gin-ald.
"Reginald?" Could she have really picked a name that was so boring and so narcissistic at the same time? "Who do you think you are? Will Smith?" Emma doesn't know if Regina understands the pop culture reference but she doesn't care. She'll explain it if she has to. She doesn't have time to though because now there is a deceptively strong hand pressing against her stomach and moving her further into the closet. And yes, she totally gets the irony of the situation.
"Shut up, Miss Swan. It's about to get hot in here." Regina whispers into her ear. Despite several layers of leather, cashmere, cotton, and whatever red trench coats are made of Emma can feel a hardened nipple.
"What? Seriously? He talked to you too?" Emma whispers back and then the body pinning her to the wall moves away but the nipple remains. Weird. Emma checks. It wasn't a nipple it was a left over pistachio in her own front pocket. Maybe Henry's right and she really does need to get laid if she's mistaking pistachios for secondary sex characteristics.
"Henry, one." As Regina says this a ball of fire materializes and floats menacingly above her open palm. Well that solves the lighting argument at least. Then again, it's only a matter of time before something flammable or inflammable ignites and Emma Swan changes her name to Roast Swan.
With that observation all thoughts of coitus have left Emma Swan. "Oh! Woah! Excessive use of force!" The blonde loudly accuses as she attempts to fan out the flames with her hands and fails. Regina has a gleam in her eye that Emma hasn't seen since she took a chainsaw to the woman's beloved apple tree. "This is not the answer!"
"Two!" Regina counts and there are now two fireballs, one in each of the former Evil Queen's hands.
Emma now understands why she was pushed against the back of the closet and is content to stay as far away from the beautiful woman with hell in her eyes threatening a magically imbued wooden door. "Don't let her get to 'Three', Reginald!" She yells to her son.
The teen can either panic and release them or attempt to calmly rationalize his behavior. Much to Emma's dismay he does exactly what Regina would do and stands his ground. "If we're ever going to find Anna so she can stop Elsa from turning all of us into popsicles you need to kiss Mom!" The flames are gone. Emma's heart begins to calm down and then speed up again because the reality of what Henry wants them to do has set in. "We talked about this Ma, stop being a chicken!"
"No! No, we did not talk about this!" Emma would remember having a conversation that involved the words: 'locked in a closet with Regina and fireballs'. They did hash out a list of ways to take down the latest Big Bad to show up in Storybrooke but not this, definitely not this.
"What is he talking about?" Regina asks as she holds up a single finger and a candle-sized flame appears over it. It's not romantic though, the soft glow does not make Regina's flawless olive skin look amazing. Emma's heart is not thudding against her chest.
"This was not a part of any discussion! Regina I swear I have no idea what he's doing."
From the other side of the door Henry feels the need to butt in, "Yes you do! Ma, you lost your magic because Zelena cursed Hooks lips. You have been cursed! True Love's Kiss breaks curses. Now you two need to kiss." He explains simply.
"I never said that last part." Emma narrows her eyes at the spot on the door where she estimates her sons devious little head is. "That last part was not... said by me." She reiterates lamely.
Regina is giving her the oddest look. "Did you know he was going to do this?"
"No! No. Well..." Great now she has to get all explainy. Also not a real word but now isn't the time for a debate about word coinage. Emma takes a breath, "I didn't know about this." She gestures in a wide circle. "But he's been 'hunting down my true love'... He made me kiss Dr Whale."
Regina makes a face, "Ew." It's a accurate statement.
"And then Ruby." Emma adds.
"It didn't take much convincing with Ruby." Somehow, despite the fact that smirks are silent, Emma can hear their son smirking.
Regina purses her lips and furrows her brow. Emma calls this her 'calculating face'. "How does your boyfriend feel about all this?"
Emma shrugs, "Henry made me break up with Hook."
"Oh please, I didn't make you do that!" Henry pipes up again and continues, "You were practically begging for an excuse to break up with him! I'm just your scapegoat!"
"You really broke up with Hook?" Why does she look so surprised?
Emma nods, "It's not like it was going to last anyway. Killian is a good looking man but his personality is... how would you put it, 'abysmal?' 'atrocious?', 'he lacks redeeming qualities'. I know big words."
"I thought you were in love," Regina admits. "He certainly is."
"You're both single now! This time Ma! I'm right about it this time." Henry's been spending too much time with Emma's mother. Snow exudes an dangerous amount of optimism. "Third time's the charm! I can feel it."
Now that Regina isn't wielding any giant balls of unnecessary fire Emma takes the short two steps to face the door. She tries to ignore the lingering heat from brushing past Regina. "Henry that's enough. It's not going to work. You have to stay out of my love life and let us out."
"Just kiss! If you're so sure about that then do it and prove me wrong." Henry is displaying a-frightening mix of Emma-Swan-unwavering-determination and Regina-Mills-logical-persuasion.
Emma mumbles something about Henry being a stubborn little brat and turns back to face Regina. Their eyes lock and they speak in unison. "He gets it from you."
They share a smile but the moment is short lived because the flame goes out and it's dark again. Regina has it back up again in a moment and Emma watches her turn and search the shelves for an actual candle to light.
A brilliant idea strikes Emma, she smacks her lips together and says, "Fine there! We kissed, nothing happened, let us out." The Sheriff bluffs.
"No you didn't." Their son isn't buying anything she's selling today.
"Yes we did!" Emma counters.
He's laughing now. "Nope!"
Regina gives her a look as if to say, 'did you really think any child I raised would fall for that?' and well honestly we're talking about a kid that believed that he grew up in a town full of fairytale characters frozen in time. Granted that was all true but Emma stands by her point; the kid believes most things.
Instead of engaging Regina in a healthy debate about their son's remarkable platitudes for suspension of disbelief, Emma slams her fist on the door several times. "You are so grounded!" and she's yelling now. "No TV. No cellphone. No internet. No fun ever again." It's going to be difficult to enforce but Emma will make it happen. She can be crafty too you know.
"Fine, ground me! None of that will matter if we freeze to death anyway!"
Emma's hand hurts, how many times had she pounded on the door with it? "Dammit he's right." She admits while massaging her sore appendage.
Henry takes this opportunity to deliver an ominous message. "We're going to freeze and it's all because neither of you are Gryffindor enough to face your fears!"
Neither of them? Well now he's just being silly because this is all one-sided... isn't it? The Harry Potter reference reminds Emma of another punishment to add to his grounding, "No more books either!"
"Yes books! He can have books." Regina hisses at her co-parent while she hands her a lit candle.
The blonde looks up and prays for strength, "Alright fine you can have books. But they're going to be really boring. Encyclopedia's and... Medical Journals!" She tells him. Her Majesty ponders this a moment and then, deeming it an appropriate punishment, nods in approval.
It's silent for a moment. Emma takes this as a win and replays the conversation in her head like a victory highlight reel. Then something Henry said catches up with her. "For the record," She starts, "I'm totally Gryffindor enough! I was born to be a Gryffindor. I just... respect you too much to, like, sexually assault you."
Regina sniffs, "And I appreciate that." The dark haired woman kneels down on the floor. She's wearing skirt so she has to sit with her legs stretched out in front of her. She crosses one over the other. "I still hate you for the Marian thing."
"Fully aware of that." Emma says through gritted teeth. She doesn't need to look at Regina to know that her eyebrow is quirked.
"You're not going to defend yourself this time?" Regina asks. There's a hint of amusement in her voice.
A sigh escapes from her mouth and Emma sits down as well. She rests her back and head against the door and sits with her knees bent. She plays with the flame of the candle in her hand, fingers hovering back and forth over it. She is reminded of a time when she could make it disappear and then reappear at will. "What do you want me to say Regina?" She inquires softly, "That if I knew you were about to kill your boyfriends wife I would have let you do that? That I would have left a woman behind to die?" Regina looks like she's about to answer that question but she doesn't so Emma continues, "What if I had done that? How long do you think it would have taken for Robin to figure it out?"
"I didn't know she was his wife when it happened the first time." Regina argues petulantly.
"And now that you do... If you went back into the past with me instead of Hook what would you have done? Would you really let her die to save your relationship with Robin?" This is the part that Emma doesn't understand. She's asked her parents about the year in the Enchanted Forest. Regina and Robin didn't 'fall in love' there and they've only been back a couple months. Where did Regina even find the time to fall in love while her estranged sister was terrorizing Storybrooke?
"I don't know what I would have done." Regina answers.
"Yes you do." A lot of things that Regina does is an absolute mystery to Emma except when it comes to things like this. "You would have done the same thing that I did. You would have saved her because you've changed." Emma's confident about this.
"How do you know that?"
"How do you not?" After everything that they've been through and how much she's watched this woman grow and change Emma doesn't comprehend how little faith that Regina has in herself. It's alright though, she probably has enough faith in Regina for the both of them combined. "I'm sorry he left you. I know I ruined your happy ending and I know you'll hate me for the rest of our lives." There's a knot in her throat now and she has to swallow twice. "But I didn't do anything that you wouldn't have done."
Regina isn't looking at her because she's carving something into the softened wax of the candle in her own hands. Emma wants a closer look but she isn't so sure Regina will let her.
"Fine, Emma, you're right."
She said it so quietly that Emma almost didn't catch it. "Holy shit." Because really, what else are you going to say?
"What?"
Emma blinks, she knows that she's gaping but this is a momentous gape-worthy occasion. "You've never said that before."
A smirk, so much like Henry's, adorns Regina's face. "That makes sense because I don't recall you ever being right before."
"And you said 'Emma' not 'Miss Swan' that's double awesome!"
"Double awesome isn't a thing." Regina deadpans.
Emma is floating above the dark stiletto-heeled cloud trying to rain over her parade. "It's totally a thing. I just made it a thing. I can do that because I'm right!"
"You were right about one thing. Your batting average wouldn't get you into the Pee Wee League." Her snark is in peak form today. Emma would be offended if she wasn't so impressed that Regina knew about batting averages.
From her side of the small closet Emma dreamily repeats Regina's words back to her while she snuggles into a fluffy winter coat. "Fine, Emma, you're right."
"Wipe that smile off of your face and move over. I'm cold."
"Yes, your majesty." It's not even that cold but Emma moves over and drapes half of the fur lined coat over her Highness. See? Emma can play nice.
Except Regina is a total blanket hog so she yanks more of the coat over to her side with the lame excuse of 'Well it is MY coat, Miss Swan' and they have a short game of tug-of-war that ends the way you'd expect it to end. With Regina getting as much of the blanket as she wants and Emma's arm somehow wrapped around her shoulders. Emma can feel a draft on her bare arm coming from the exposed side but honestly doesn't care.
"Do you think he's still out there?" Regina asks as her head is comfortably nestled on Emma's shoulder.
Regina is failing at three things right now: Hating her arch nemesis, heterosexuality, and subtly. Emma fails the most though because she hasn't taken advantage of any of this information.
"Nah, he's watching TV downstairs. Savoring the moments until he loses it forever." Emma answers.
"You can hear the television from here?" Of course she says the whole word, that's so... her. Apparently acronyms and abbreviations are for commoners.
"You can't?" Emma's ears pick up on the familiar sci-fi whistle of the Doctor Who opening theme song. He better not be watching a new episode without her. They had a pact! Regina shakes her head in the negative and now Emma simply has to make a joke about their age difference. "They say hearing is the first thing to go- oomph!" Rib cage, meet Regina's elbow. Emma can't resist squeezing in one more joke. "Calm down now, at your age you have to think about your heart." The blonde giggles and tenses her abs in anticipation of Regina's physical retribution but it doesn't come.
Regina is strangely silent for a moment. "I suppose you're right."
"Twice in one day! I'm on a roll."
"You'd be right a third time if..." Emma hums to acknowledge that she's listening and to encourage her to continue, "If you kissed me and then nothing happened you would be right and Henry would be wrong..."
Is she really saying what Emma thinks she's saying? "Did- Do you want to?"
Regina gives her a casual shrug, "Well I want to leave this closet at some point in the future. I have chicken in the oven."
No. She is not saying what Emma thinks she's saying. She wants to not be in a closet with you anymore Emma. Stop getting your hopes up. "Way to set the mood Casanova. Oh Emma, my Savior! Kiss me so I can finish dinner!" It's not that Emma doesn't want to kiss Regina, far from it. She just wants so badly for Regina to want it too and 'chicken in the oven' is a shitty reason to kiss someone.
"Burnt chicken. Is that what you want, Emma? Because this is how you get burnt chicken."
She's being petulant now, they both are. "Oh no! The chicken! As if our son isn't smart enough to turn off an oven when the timer goes off."
Regina huffs and shifts body to face Emma, "Let's just get this over with!"
'Let's just get this over with' is also a crap reason to kiss someone. Kisses shouldn't be something you have to 'get over with' like a dentist appointment. Emma crosses he arms over her stomach and sarcastically responds. "Oh stop it. Your seductive powers are too much for me. You wily temptress."
Uh oh.
Regina's forehead vein has made an appearance. "So you'll kiss Dr. Frankenstein -who slept with your mother by the way- and Little Red Ate Her Boyfriend. They're good enough for the Savior! You'll even date Captain Hook, misogynistic prick that he is, but oh no. Can't kiss Regina, no you draw the line at kissing the Evil Qu-"
The rant is cut off when Emma's lips press against Regina's because Regina has finally given her a very good reason to kiss someone. That reason is -Emma's paraphrasing here- 'I'm jealous of other people that get to kiss you.'
Emma has to fight the smile that threatens to break the kiss because she can feel a surge of magical energy building and coursing through them. A wave of light rushes through them and spreads out through the closet.
"Did you feel that?" Regina murmurs against Emma's lips in awe, "You're magic is ba-"
"Yeah yeah yeah," Emma kisses her again. And again, and again. "Don't care right now."
From outside the closet a translucent green shield of magic fades away and Henry feels a wave of light magic pass through him. The teen drops everything. His popcorn bowl falls from his lap and kernels spill onto the floor along with the remote. Henry bounds up the stairs three at a time and skids to a stop in front of the closet door yelling, "I knew it! I knew it would work!" He opens the door and his mothers spill out onto the floor. He smugly notes, "I told you so!"
His mothers look up at him, then to each other, and then back to him one more time. Emma is on her feet in a flash, ready to chase him, but Regina grabs her around the waist and throws her back into the closet. A mix of purple and blue magic slams the door in Henry's face.
"Am I still grounded for forever?" Henry asks the door.
Simultaneously he hears "Yes!" and "No!" then they're whispering hurriedly but Henry can't make out the words. Finally after a rushed deliberation the door opens.
"Two weeks. No dessert and no internet." The door closes. He smiles. The door opens a crack and Emma slips him a twenty. "Go watch a movie with your grandparents." The door closes again.
"Gross." He says.