Louis' screams filled the crisp winter air, echoing through the halls of the otherwise quiet flat. His teary blue eyes shot open, glancing frantically around the room as he sat up clutching his chest. Louis could feel his heart beating rapidly as he tried to steady his breathing, holding his sweating palms above his heart. As his vision adjusted to the darkness of his bedroom, Louis' mind began to clear and he realized what exactly had just happened. The room grew colder as his consciousness kicked and he silently cursed himself for letting his dreams control him like this again.
His nightmares are so unbelievably cruel, as if it's only purpose was to bring pain upon the Doncaster boy. They reoccur almost every night, draining the remaining life from Louis at a dreadfully slow pace, centring on that one frightful thing that caused Louis the most anguish.
Pushing himself off the bed, he grudgingly made his way toward his small bathroom and turned on the painfully bright light. Louis took a like in the mirror and grimaced at what he saw; his hair clinging to his sweating face and blue eyes wild. Louis had lost his tan long ago, since he never bothered to seek anything outside his flat. Forcing his eyes away from his reflection, he splashed the cold water on his face and winced at contact, but it felt good to be able to feel something other than the nagging ache in his chest. This was turning into a routine for Louis, the cycle of waking up to his own screams never seeming to end. All because his subconscious seemed to always focus around the one person that could make all this go away, but couldn't.
Louis slammed his eyes shut, trying to get rid of the thoughts that just entered his head. His hands clenched the marble sink tightly, welcoming the dull throbbing of his palms and focussed on that feeling other than the one he had just been greeted with when he thought of him. It was always the same awfully dreadful feeling that filled his being. As masochistic as it sounds, Louis' found he nearly welcomed the feeling. Sure, he thought it wasn't the most pleasant but it reminded him that he could still feel something; despite what it was. Deep inside he knew it was better to feel dread than to feel nothing at all.
That's how life felt to Louis now, like he was missing the vital pieces to a grand puzzle. Nothing seemed nearly as bright as it did before, as if Louis' was tunnelling deeper and deeper into an abyss that he had no chance of escaping. Nobody could get him out, nobody tried. Every one of Louis' friends had come by at some point, making mundane conversation until they realized there was no point in talking to a shell of the person they knew.
That left Louis alone to deal with the memories that haunted him at all times, and he wasn't sure how he felt about that. He couldn't help feel the flight twinge of abandonment when his friends had stopped their visits but really couldn't blame them, since Louis didn't lead them on to thinking he was ever going to recover from the state he was in. So in the end, they were left with no hope and that's exactly how Louis wanted it. Why keep them expecting Louis to get better when deep down the lad knew there was no chance?
Louis hated it; he hated everything about the situation he was in. The constant dirty feeling that clung to his being no matter how many times he bathed, the way he couldn't even do simple tasks because it seemed it was too damn difficult for him to even function anymore. It made him feel so pathetic, so lost in whatever he was in and there was nobody to pull him back safety.
Louis clung to Zayn the first month after the incident, reason being that the slightly younger boy was much easier to be around in the depressing surroundings. He didn't hassle Louis, he only gave subtle hints that he was there to talk when Louis wanted to. Not that Louis was that keen on spilling all he was feeling to his band mate, but the gesture was nice on its own.
They were both sitting in lounge room of Zayn's apartment in a bittersweet silence. To someone that didn't know what was going on, it looked as if everything was alright. But beneath the calm surface, there was a tragic mood coursing through the air. They had been like this for god knows how many hours, marinating in the silence that clung to the room.
Being with Zayn was somewhat comforting for Louis, it seemed to be the only thing that reminded him that not everything from before was lost. But really, there might as well been. He was missing the most important piece of before, and he will never get it back. Louis will never get him back.
"Louis?" Zayn's voice cut through the silence, causing Louis to jump slightly at the sudden sound. He looked up at the Bradford boy, raising his eyes slightly and gestured for Zayn to continue. "Do you ever remind yourself that he's really gone?" The question came out unsure, but it immediately shifted the atmosphere of the room.
Louis' face grew slack, showing no emotion whatsoever. They sat like that for a couple of minutes, Zayn beginning to grow worried when his friend didn't provide an answer or reaction. He had played it careful the past month, trying not to trigger another outburst from the oldest boy. Then Louis' gaze dropped to the floor and he spoke, his tone low and drained.
"I don't have to, the reminder's there every time I wake up."
The throbbing pain in Louis' head broke him out of his earlier thoughts, the memory slowly fading from his mind. He went back into the dark bedroom, turning on the lamp and going to search the dresser for some aspirin to calm the ache. But what he came across seemed to bring the world to a slow stop, everything else pausing at that moment.
He had seen this picture before, of course. It was taken about 3 months back, when all of the boys had decided to go out and celebrate their growing success. They were all grinning, totally unsuspecting of what was going to happen so soon, too soon for any of them to ever prepare if they could. Louis was in the middle, making a stupid expression with his arm wrapped nearly possessively around Harry, the dimpled face bringing everything back.
Louis' hands began shaking as memories started flooding his mind, overriding everything that had been there before and now the only thing he could think about was him. The one who coursed all this, the one had unknowingly made Louis' life the living hell it was today. He was the person who Louis could feel his hate growing towards but still loved like nothing else in the world. Louis let out a pained sob as one particular memory decided to replay itself in his head.
"Harry," Louis groaned on the couch, "I took Zayn's phone by accident and he's leaving for Bradford tomorrow."
The younger boy let out a chuckle, turning to grin at his boyfriend. Louis took a quick moment to admire how beautiful Harry looked at the moment, his hair perfectly messy, dimples showing and eyes shining a bright jade green. He was stunning; you'd have to be blind not to see that. Louis' heart warmed at the thought of the gorgeous boy before him being his and only his.
"Then shouldn't we go back and give it to him before it's too late?" Harry teased in a dramatic tone which made Louis roll his eyes, an amused expression on both their faces. Harry always liked to tease Louis' tendency to exaggerate the situation they were in and Louis didn't complain because it was actually a factor in his relationship he loved. To be honest, he was head over heels for everything about the way it was with Harry; so easy and loving.
"But Harry, it's nearly 2 and I'm beat." Louis let out another long groan, settling deeper into the cushions of the sofa. He saw Harry shake his head, and the curly haired boy reached for the phone in Louis' hand, taking and placing it in his pocket.
"Okay, how about I go give this back to him and you can just sit on your lazy arse here?" Louis jokingly pouted at that before letting out a wide grin at the boy whose tall frame was hovering over the sofa.
"Sounds good to me. How about I make you your favourite meal for when you get back, then we're even." Immediately, Harry let out a strangled laugh that he tried—unsuccessfully—to pass off as a cough. Louis' eyebrows furrowed in confusing at the clear amusement that was on Harry's face and the younger boy seemed to sober up a bit and spoke up.
"Thought you were tired?" He joked, "I don't want to come home to the house burning down, sorry Lou. Don't look so hurt, you know how bad your cooking is anyway." Louis' expression didn't falter at Harry's words, so the younger boy continued, "One of the many reasons I love you, Boo."
"Stop being cheesy and go give Zayn his phone before he goes to sleep." Louis laughed, gesturing towards the door. As Harry started making his way out of the apartment, Louis called for him to come back. Confusion was etched across Harry's face as he made his way back to the sofa where Louis' was sitting, then the older boy pulled him down and gave him a quick but passionate kiss.
Both eyes slowly opened as Harry finally pulled away, meeting the cerulean of his boyfriends and holding the gaze. The two boys seemed lost in the others stare, staring with wonder as if they were taking in each other's appearances for the first time. It was so intimate that anyone could feel the love radiating off the two, whether it be a stranger or a close friend. Nobody would be able to miss the awe that was portrayed in both faces at that moment.
"Couldn't have you leaving without that, now could I?" Louis chuckled, almost unsurely. They were always affectionate, sure, but it was never out of the blue like it just was. But no matter how nervous Louis felt about it he couldn't ignore the excited, erratic beating in his chest.
"Y-yeah." Harry stuttered, still looking dazed by the previous events. They stayed in quiet for a few moments before Harry gave a small smile to Louis, reached out and stroked his unshaven cheek. "I actually have to go now, so anything else Boo?" Louis grinned back up at him shaking his head and then he watched his younger lover head out the door.
That was the last moment he ever spent with Harry, and the memory was so unbelievably perfect and sweet but it caused him constant agony that he could never relive it. He could only replay the same bittersweet memories that would stay just that—moments of the past that he had no hope of experiencing again.
He remembered perfectly the confusion and worry he felt when Harry had failed to come home that night. Louis had waited up hours; eventually he ended up just watching the door and expecting Harry to come bursting through the door any minute apologizing for being so late home and smothering him in kisses like earlier. But he never did.
Louis had eventually ended up falling asleep, not being able to keep his eyes plastered on the door like he wanted to. Louis wanted to badly to be awake when Harry got home to kiss and hold him tight and make the younger boy promise not to worry him like that again. He wanted to show Harry he couldn't just go out that long and not text him when he's going to be late.
So of course, when Louis awoke only to see that Harry had still not arrived home he began to panic.
He had rung everyone—even people he wasn't close to—to see if Harry had decided to crash at their place last night. By the time he reached the end of his contact list and not one person claimed to have seen Harry, Louis began to feel incredibly uneasy. This is ridiculous, Louis told himself, he probably just stayed at a motel near Zayn's because he was too tired to drive home. But then again, he would have at least texted Louis, for god sakes.
Louis heard the home phone start to ring and he ran to see who it was, hoping it would be his curly-haired boyfriend to explain where he was. So you couldn't blame Louis for letting out a clear groan of disappointment when the voice that sounded through the phone belonged to Zayn.
"Hey mate, I just saw all of your missed calls. What happened, man?" Louis could hear the drowsiness in Zayn's voice and knew the Bradford boy had just woken up. He felt slightly irritated, not knowing how anyone could possibly be acting normal at this moment when his boyfriend was missing. It was irrational, but Louis couldn't help it.
"Is Harry still at yours?" He ignored Zayn's question, wanting so badly to know that Harry was alright and that he was freaking out over nothing. But when he didn't get an immediate answer, hope seemed to diminish from the boy. It took a few moments for Zayn to speak up, and when he did he seemed to sink Louis' heart even further.
"You and Harry left here last night and went back to your place. By the way, have you seen my-"Louis cut Zayn off.
"He didn't come back to give you your phone?"
"No, he didn't. Louis just tell me what the bloody hell is going on?!" Zayn demanded, becoming impatient with his best friend who was panicking on the other line and telling him absolutely nothing about what was happening. Zayn could sense the panic from the other side of the call and began to feel uneasy himself. Louis never acted like this; he was always so carefree and childlike, and this Louis was quite a contrast to that.
"Harry left to give you your phone last night," Louis croaked, obviously close to tears, "and he never showed up, did he? God Zayn- he just never came home."
"Fuck," Zayn cursed, "have you tried texting or calling him?"
"Of course I bloody have!" Louis yelled into the phone, feeling slightly bad for screaming at his mate—who was only trying to help—but couldn't believe Zayn could even dare to ask that. Of course Louis had texted and left voicemails for Harry a thousand times already, hoping that the younger boy would finally decide to answer him back.
"I'm sorry Louis, I know. I'm just trying to figure out what to do too, okay?" Zayn's voice was suddenly a lot calmer, trying to bring some sort of control over the situation. "We just have to wait it out for a couple of hours, and if we still haven't heard from Harry we'll go to the police. That sound good?"
As much as Louis was thankful someone else was taking responsibility over the situation other than himself, he began to feel slightly dizzy as Zayn mentioned there was a possibility of Harry not returning home.
They went to the police station later that day to file the missing persons report. Louis was involved at first, explaining the situation and describing what Harry looked like. He let Zayn fill out the forms though, losing concentration when his gaze had landed on a poster on the wall which showed the faces of people still missing. Some of them dated back to 2008.
Zayn had caught onto what Louis was staring at and immediately comforted him, telling him he didn't need to worry because Harry would be back in no time and everything will go back to normal. Louis was too quick to believe it, not wanting to continue thinking the awful thoughts that filled his mind. His only concern was Harry at that very moment, wanting him to return and bury himself in Louis' embrace.
The officer made it very clear that they would try the best they could to track down the boy, but there were no promises given. Louis accepted that, willing to take all the help he could get so that he could wake up with the mop of curly hair in his face again.
They found Harry's body 3 days later.
A woman had been jogging down a quiet rode when she had noticed the angry tire marks that led into the forest and the path of knocked down wildlife down the hill. She explained later to the officer that she was too curious and couldn't help seeing how this had happened and what was at the end of the path something had created. She never expected to find a wrecked car smashed into a tree, with a curly-haired corpse at the steering wheel.
One of the officers had looked through the cases of missing people and finally found someone that fit the description of the body they had found earlier. They called up Zayn's number, who had sneakily given it to them instead of Louis' when the older boy wasn't watching. If something had happened to Harry, Zayn wanted to be the one to break it to him, not someone who was doing it because it was their job.
Zayn was also the one to identify the body, confirming that it was indeed his beloved friend. He knew that it wasn't going to be an easy task when they asked him to, but he did it anyway, taking some responsibility. But no matter how much he knew it needed to be done, it hadn't stopped Zayn from throwing up afterwards, images replaying in his head that haunted him till the very day. After Zayn recovered from the state he was in, he had shakily took out his phone a called Louis' number, wincing when the voice of his friend sounded through the phone, so unsuspecting of what Zayn was about to tell him.
The next few hours were somewhat of a blur. One minute the station had been quiet, the next there was a distraught young man yelling and screaming, not letting anyone try to calm him down. Louis demanded again and again to see Harry's body but Zayn just shook his head, telling him he doesn't want to remember Harry like that.
When the rest of the boys arrived at the station, they saw a crumpled Louis on the ground with Zayn's protective arms around him, trying to sooth the oldest lad. He was shaking and sobbing and just a complete mess that the other boys didn't know what to do. They eventually found out what happened and began crying themselves. Because they had all lost Harry, their little dimpled friend who was so goofy at times he brightened everyone's mood.
Louis really didn't realise how much his hands were trembling, his eyes blurred with tears as he let out strangled sobs as he remembered exactly how it felt that day when he realized he wasn't ever getting his Harry back. Louis hands shook so much that the picture he was holding tumbled out of his hand and smashed onto the floor, the glass shattering instantly.
Louis bent down, little out small pained noises and picked up the picture, staring into Harry's face. He continued to sob, leaning back against the wall and thought about how cruelly this boy had been torn away from him. Louis didn't deserve this, and Harry certainly didn't deserve his life to be taken from him in such an impossibly tragic way.
"I love you Harry. I love you so, so much." Louis wailed, clutching the picture to his chest. It felt like he was torn open and someone had just taken his heart, ripped it cleanly out of him. Louis tried to calm his self down, steadying his breathing and halting his tears momentarily as he looked right into the green eyes of the boy in the photo. "I'll be there soon, Harry, I promise. And you won't ever have to leave me again, okay?"
Till then, though, Louis was stuck with the eerily quiet house, nightmares and the empty feeling in his chest.