A Ranma 1/2 fanfic
The Dude Slayer
No Tomorrow Productions
A strong hand reached across the bar, grabbing the normally sedate bartender by his expensive satin shirt. The hand's owner lifted the surprised bartender a half-meter from the floor.
"Where do you get off spreading lies about my Ryoga-kun!"
Ben's eyes widened as he watched the woman remove an enormous spatula from her back. A twinge of fear ran down the bartender's spine.
"Oh FUCK." The bartender murmured in his native Caribbean-tinted English. Quickly his mind reminded his mouth that
Japanese was
the language of choice for the situation. "MATTE!"
The young woman stopped her swing a short half-arm's length from the bartender's darkly tanned head.
Ben's shifty ice colored eyes scanned the tavern quickly before a resolution came to his slightly fear-stricken mind. The young man rolled his shoulder as he lifted his arms, causing the costly piece of clothing to slide over his head. Ben landed roughly on unsteady feet before rising to his full, topless, 183 cm height.
After a moment to regain what, little, dignity he had, Ben picked up his Boston shaker and began the complicated waltz known as: making the perfect martini. As he poured the gin Ben scanned the spatula-wielding woman before him.
"You must be Kuonji-dono. Hibiki-ototokun speaks fondly of you."
The bartender placed aside his shaker to pick up a glass. As he placed the glass in the deep freeze a tiny smirk played across his sun-beaten features.
"Listen well to what I say, fore it may just save your relationship. Ryoga has never done anything that would bring a tear to your eye. He's never crossed the line of needed an alibi to cover up a lie. But darlin' I know he'll admit, there been times when he could have. The thing that kept him strong is the one thing that is always on his mind."
The barkeep removed the glass from the freezer, an incandescent, gossamer smoke rose from it. Carefully he poured the clear concoction into the ice rimmed glass.
"When Ryoga thinks about cheatin', I know he just things about
you leavin', and how his world would fall to pieces if he tossed your
love away."
Ben slipped the martini across the oak bar to Ukyo.
The chef stared at the frosty glass in confusion. After a moment's thought she seated herself, not because she was interested in what the bartender had to say of course, no her legs were growing tired from having stood all day at her restraint and now after having crossed half of Tokyo to find this tiny, hole-in-the-wall bar.
"Even when he's been tempted by a stranger, there's never any danger. He just thinks about you leavin' when he thinks about cheatin'."
Ben popped the top off a bottle of beer and sent it sliding along the length of the bar. A wary glace to Kuonji told him that she was at least listening to him. This was more than he'd anticipated from one of Nermia's martial artists.
Ukyo glared at the gaijin. "Why should I believe you? For all I know you're covering for him."
Ben nodded casually. "Perhaps." The bartender slid a glass of beer and a shot of whisky down the bar before turning his attention back to the young woman before him.
"There was a time back in Abilene when some femme said all the right things he needed to hear. I know it was hard for him to turn her down. Between the champagne I poured and the sound of her whispers in his ear"
A slight hint of sorrowful respect seemed to creep into Ben's usually calm voice. "But took one two-step with someone before he was missin' you." The barkeep smirked. "She never had the chance, cause your boy broke up the dance before the song was through."
Ukyo watched the last of the steam rise from the now less than frozen glass. The bartender's words working through her anger.
Ben placed a bottle of sake and a saucer before an elderly-looking business man. The barkeep bowed slightly before returning to the chef.
"When Ryoga thinks about cheatin', he just thinks about you leavin'. How his world would fall to pieces if he tossed your love away. Even when he's tempted by Akane, Akari, or just some stranger in a foreign land there's no danger. I know he just thinks about you leavin' whenever the boy thinks about cheatin'."
A confident grin encompassed the gaijin's face as he watched the slightly despondent chef.
"Femme, think for a second. I've seen Ryoga when he's talking to femmes, and I know you have too." The grin disappeared and was replaced with utter seriousness.
"When has that boy ever been able to talk with the fairer sex and not have to worry about blood loss? If even a single perverse thought crosses his mind, Ryoga's head basically explodes in a shower of blood." Ben shook his head slightly.
"To think about him sleeping with someone, and not dying of blood loss, that'd be unheard of. And on the oft-chance that he did actually go through with the deed, I'm sure we'd know about it. There'd be a Hodukan so big it'd probably level all of rural Japan. No, I think it's fair to say that Ryoga is a man worthy of your trust."
Ben reached across the bar and picked up the half empty martini glass. The bartender shot the chef a slightly indifferent look before looking towards the door.
"Before you go accusing someone of spreading rumors, you might want to think about who provided the information. If my guess is correct Tendo-dono sold you the "tip" that I was the target for your anger, personally I wouldn't trust her word for the yen I bought it with."
Ben sighed slightly dejected. "Kuonji-dono, you don't have to apologize to me, but there is someone"
Ben's head motioned towards the door causing Ukyo to look away from the confidant barkeep. Standing before the door was the subject of the evening's argument.
"that might wish to talk with you. Oh, and if you could, I'd appreciate having my shirt back."
The Dude Slayer stretches and looks back over the monitor.
TDS: Not bad for two days of work. Still wish I knew who wrote the damn song "When I Think About Cheatin'." I know Gretchen Wilson sings it, but dammit I like givin' props to the guys that write the songs. Oh well.
Not like I'm makin' a damn dime offa this thing. Takahashi Rumiko owns Ryoga and Ukyo, as much as I'd love to own 'em I just borrow 'em from time to time.
Chibi Dude Slayer walks out of the office's shadows.
CDS: Well!
TDS: Well what? I'm done, its time for a nap.
CDS: You're forgetting something.
TDS: dejected I'm not in the mood to beat you up tonight.
CDS: angry NOT THAT! About Ben.
TDS: Oh yeah, that crap. If you don't know by now Ben is my own creation. Most of his lines from this fic are the lyrics to the aforementioned song. I'm sure you can figure out what's what.
Now, if that's all I'm off for a nap and a Jolt. Leave me a message at thedudeslayer at if you wanna say something.
Ja ne.