There is nothing worse. Yes - worse, even, than death itself. Death, at least, is generous in that you feel nothing after the act. With this, you have to live with it, living off of other people's generosity just to struggle through a day, and every minute to be reminded of how useless you are... to be trapped in your own skull.
It had happened about two years ago. A sheet of fabric I had imported from the coast had had a flea or some other insect on it, I don't know which exactly, and it was infected with some disease. They told me the name of it but I didn't want to remember it. At first I wasn't worried. I just went to the doctor, took the pills he gave me and waited. The pills made me feel fine, but I mostly think that it was the placebo effect coming through. Anyway, it happened when I was working on a dress for Twilight's birthday - it was a nice one, too. I was just about to start on the buttons when I noticed my vision was fuzzy: I blinked my eyes to get rid of it. It only got worse. I kept blinking, the fool I am, and after a few minutes everything was black and I was crying. I didn't know what was happening or what to do. In the end I laid curled up on the floor until Fluttershy happened to come around and find me.
The doctor's didn't know what to do - this had never happened before in Equestria. The disease that was on the fabric had never been seen here before, and it was very rare back on the coast to boot. There was no cure, they told me, that they knew of. There was a long period when Twilight would ry to use magic to fix it - I think she felt guilty because the fabric was for her dress - but nothing worked. In the end I was given a stick, about the size of one of my legs, to hold in my mouth. I would use the stick to tap the area around me and figure out what the shape of the room was.
The boutique closed, of course. There was no chance I could thread a needle now. To my initial shock and undying gratitude, Applejack let me work at the farm - carrying baskets of apples form the trees to the house - for a few bits an hour. It was simple work and I still had trouble; once, I ended up going in a circle back to the tree, and another time I got hopelessly lost in the forest. It took them hours to find me. Really, it was Applejack and Twilight who saved me. Rainbow Dash used to try and help, but none of her ideas worked; eventually she gave up. She stayed supportive, though, a good friend - loyal to the end. Fluttershy wouldn't have anything to do with me. I think I scared her. She was never hostile about it - of course not, it was Fluttershy - but when she learnt I would be at a party she wouldn't come. Eventually I stopped going. Better her than me, right? Pinkie Pie never really understood it. She thought it was all a joke for the longest time. One day she came into the parlour of the boutique and hugged me. I could tell that she had been crying recently. She didn't say anything - jus the hug, then she left. After that she went back to her normal self. She never mentions it, and if it comes up she tries to change the subject. I gained a lot of respect for her when she gave me that hug.
Oh - how could I forget? Spike, Celestia bless him. He came around every single day for the first year, until I could manage by myself. It bothered him immensely, at first - but who can blame him? To have your secret love ruined. He got through it, though. And, unlike the others, he's alright talking about it. If I need help doing something, I ask for him before any of the others. And, since I don't think he'll read this, I'll admit a secret: I didn't use to feel anything for him. Back in the old days, he was just a kid - a friend, too, but a kid. But, now... he's matured a lot. I won't say I love him, but I'll say that I could, one day. The funny thing is, I would never have felt like this is I hadn't caught that disease; the thought of a pony and a dragon rubbed me wrong. Now, I don't have anything against ponies who want to cross that boundary, but it just wasn't for me. Now, though - what do looks matter? Only the voices and the hands matter. His voice is reassuring and his hands are gentle, the claws tickling gently on my skin.
Recently, I spend most of my days with Twilight. Helping around the library: stacking shelves, cleaning up. She pays me well enough to get by. Enough to keep the boutique and enough to get food. The doctors told me I should sell off the boutique, that it was too big for me. I didn't listen. How could I? To give up the boutique was to give in. And anyway, I can manage it. Applejack and Rainbow Dash moved my things to the ground floor - I couldn't handle stairs. I've set up a deal with Derpy, the local mailmare, to bring me some food every week. I know a lot of people around town say bad things about the mare, but she's not as stupid as they think. When I set up the deal, I tried to pay her, but she wouldn't accept it. I won't forget what she said: "How can I be paid for something so necessary? You may as well pay me for breathing."
After all this time, and all the help I've been given, I still hate what I've become. Useless... totally dependent on my friends, taking what they give me and giving them nothing back, a leech... it kills me. It really does. Most of the time I manage, though. I manage. Struggle is a better word, really. It's an uphill struggle. Everyday I fight against this world once familiar now alien, this world that was made for someone like me. It's hard, I'll admit. It's all I can do to stay optimistic. Some days I can't face it and Spike has to pull me out of bed. Oh well. I can't complain, can I? No-one knew that fabric would have that disease. I suppose it's my fault, in a way - I specifically wanted an exotic fabric from the coast, because it was for my best friend. But there's nothing to be done, and I'll just have to keep going. Sometimes I think about that: how long will I go on? Will I live to a ripe old age or fall down a set of stairs tomorrow? Will I have children or will I be alone? (Well, I certainly won't have children with Spike, but that's beside the point.) Will I manage to keep waking up or will I take... alternative action? I could do, you know. Any time I wanted. I still have my cutting-knives, for the dresses, in a drawer in the next room. I could get one right now. There's probably a way to do it so it won't hurt, as well. It's an appealing prospect... to slip quietly from this void where I still feel pain to another void where I will feel nothing. To surrender myself to the grasping hands of fate, to throw myself into the fire of death, to no longer be. Like I said, it appeals to me. But if I do do that - and I'm not saying I will - it won't be for a while yet. I couldn't do that to my friends.
So. I think that's all there is to say that isn't just mindless repetition. If there's nothing else, I'll end it here -
Oh, one more thing. Go on, indulge me - it won't take a minute. Yesterday a letter came. Derpy dropped it off along with this week's food. It was a plain white envelope, but very high quality paper. The handwriting was neat and practices. The ink was blue. Here is what it said:
"I have wanted to write this letter for many a day but until recently I have not felt capable of such a task. Your ailment is something that strikes me very personally. I feel, however presumptuous it may be, that we may be able to relate to another. We both know how it is to be trapped with no sign of help. I can help. Reply to this letter if you want to arrange a date we can meet.
- H.R.H., The Great and Supreme Princess of Equestria, Luna."
I'm going to reply to her - of course I am, you have to respond to a Princess. I'm not sure what I'll say, though. To say "yes", to meet with this strange regal beast? To say "no", for nothing to change? I am leaning towards a yes.
I must go now. Spike will be coming over shortly to help tidy up the boutique and it wouldn't do for him to see me writing this.
Goodbye for now.