A/N- So I finally binged the latest season of Black Mirror and absolutely fell in love with 'Hang the DJ'. I couldn't help but imagine it as a wlw story, and thought of Lena and Kara. So I took to the web to see if such a story existed and was disappointed to find that the only 'Hang the DJ' stories were basically retelling the episode with the names changed. So here's my take on it.
I didn't proofread this cause I'm lazy so please let me know/excuse any grammar fuck ups
BTW- You don't need to have seen the Black Mirror episode to get this, the premise is a dating system which runs simulations of you meeting someone else to see how compatible you are. When you meet someone, your relationship has an expiration date after which you go your separate ways until you are paired with your perfect match. Yeah, that's not the best explanation, but hopefully you'll get it anyway.
Title is from the song 'Panic' by The Smiths
Lena pushed some hair behind her ear, smoothing out the skirt of her dress before nodding to herself and beginning through the restaurant, "How do I know who she is?" Lena muttered, bringing her small AI device to her lips.
"This is what she looks like." The voice chirped, the black screen came to life and showed a video of a beautiful blonde woman sitting at a table. She was playing idly with her spoon, glancing around her.
Lena smiled, at least the first person that this program had set her up with was attractive. She scanned a glance about the restaurant, zoning in on her date. With as much confidence as she could muster, Lena made her way over, smiling widely when the blonde looked up and their eyes met.
The other woman was up and out of the booth before Lena arrived, an impossibly bright smile on her face, "Hi, my name's Kara." The blonde greeted, holding out her hand.
She took it, "Lena. It's a pleasure to meet you." Kara's hand was warm and soft in her own, but her grip was strong. She felt secure.
They stood for a moment, holding hands and smiling at each other before Kara broke the gaze, "I guess we should sit."
"Probably a good idea." Lena teased, sliding into the booth opposite the blonde, "So how do we do this, is there a menu or something?"
Kara shook her head, "No, they just sort of show up with food that they expect you'll like." She leant in a bit closer and conspiratorially whispered, "Most times they've gotten it spot on."
Lena chuckled, "And just how many times have you done this before?"
The blonde's cheeks grew warm with just the smallest bit of a blush, "You are my sixth relationship so far."
"Wow." Lena's eyebrows rose. She was not a woman accustomed to being out of her depth.
"I'm guessing this is your first?"
"Yeah." Lena confirmed, biting her lower lip just slightly, "I've got to admit, it all sounded kind of bizarre. I mean you just go on date after date, relationships you know are destined to fail when this little device tells you so, all in the vain hope that it will pay off and eventually you'll be matched with the perfect person."
"Yeah it's quite the leap of faith." Kara nodded, and they lapsed into a bit of silence.
"So how do you normally do this?"
"Well there's the introductions, which are either an awful warning sign or somewhat passable." Kara began.
"How would you classify this one?"
"Oh this is definitely promising."
Lena laughed, yes this certainly was promising, "Then?"
"Then there's an awkward moment of playing chicken with who will suggest we check our expiration dates first."
Lena nodded, pulling out her AI device, "Should we?"
"May as well." Kara agreed, producing hers, "On three?"
Together they counted down and tapped the appropriate button. The screens flashed for a moment before reading '36 hours'.
"Oh." Lena sighed, unable to hide her disappointment. She had just met this woman, and yet it felt like she had known her for years. They had talked for less than ten minutes and Lena couldn't imagine how anyone else was supposed to be her 'The One'.
"Huh." Kara frowned at her device. They were both saved from saying anything further when a waiter came round, arms laden down with food for them.
"Potstickers." Kara cheered, her eyes lighting up, and Lena could feel her heart flutter.
The rest of their dinner was perfectly nice, conversation flowed easily, Kara made Lena laugh so easily. When they finished, they left the restaurant and a self driven car pulled round to pick them up.
"I suppose this is us." Lena said.
"After you, m'lady." Kara joked, holding out her hand to help Lena step up into the car.
"Thank you, kind sir."
The car drove them through a beautiful countryside illuminated by street lamps for an undefinable time. Lena had no sense of if they had been driving for five minutes or an hour, she found herself caught up in the strong line of Kara's jaw. She was still in disbelief that they only had a day and a half together. They were dropped off in front of a free standing condominium, Kara didn't hesitate before walking in.
Lena followed, dropping her jacket on a chair in the main room before wandering through. It was nicely decorated, but looked somewhat like a furniture store mock up, single bedroom, ensuite, small kitchen, and a little main room area with a couch. It was stylish and simple, if a little impersonal.
Except for one detail, "That couch looks like it's from the seventies." Lena said, her nose scrunching in distaste.
"It's not that bad!" Kara laughed, emerging from where she had been poking around the bedroom to look at the couch in question.
"It's awful."
"It's got character!"
"It looks like something my grandfather would have in his house." Lena complained.
Kara's eyebrows drew together in confusion, and she opened her mouth to ask a question before seemingly changing her mind, "You know, there's no debatably ugly couch in the bedroom."
"Kara, are you propositioning me?" Lena teased, delighting in the blush she rose on the taller woman's cheeks.
"If I was, would you say yes?"
"I don't know." The brunette drew out, stepping into Kara's personal space, winding her arms around the girl's neck, "Maybe you could convince me."
Kara grinned, rising to the challenge and surprising Lena by putting her hands on the backs of her thighs and lifting her off the ground. Lena let out an undignified squeak, instinctively wrapping her legs around the taller woman's waist, "Convinced yet?"
"Nearly." Lena breathed against Kara's lips just before she crashed them together. She felt Kara smile against her lips, and held herself closer as Kara began walking them to the bedroom.
Lena woke to sunlight warming her back, her head pillowed against a strong chest, an arm protective wrapped around her back. As she became fully aware of her surroundings, an easy smile crossed her face, so it had been real. She really had been matched with Kara, they spent the night together, and how Lena couldn't believe how right it felt waking up in Kara's arms.
It was then that she remembered that they only had about twenty four hours left together.
Kara, as if sensing the shift in Lena's emotions, began stirring beneath her, "Good morning." She said, her voice deliciously deep and rough with the morning.
"Morning." Lena forced a smile.
Kara stifled a yawn as she stretched her legs out down the bed, "What do you want to do today?"
"You." Lena shamelessly ran an appreciative glance up and down the blonde beside her. They had forgone clothing the previous night, and in their haste to devour each other, Lena hadn't had the chance to properly study the taller woman.
And she couldn't forgive herself, because not falling in love with a sleepy, naked Kara must be a cardinal sin.
They spent the morning in bed, hardly managing to drag themselves out for a late brunch before Lena decided to take a shower. Kara joining her was an unspoken understanding.
They made the most of their remaining hours together, and when the next morning dawned and they stood outside the condo waiting for their timers to count down to zero and their cars to arrive and take them away, Lena couldn't name the sensation she was feeling.
Her stomach was clenching and she could feel tears prickling behind her eyes. It wasn't fair. Kara was perfect, and she couldn't imagine how the system could possibly expect to find her a better match. But maybe she was being dramatic, after all, Kara didn't look like someone was physically squeezing her heart in a first. Maybe Lena just needed to get used to this system.
"It's been really great." Kara said when their AI devices read two minutes left.
"It has." Lena agreed.
Kara took the shorter woman in her arms one last time, hugging her fiercely and pressing a kiss to the crown of her head, "Hang in there, you'll find The One."
"You too." Lena put on a brave face and tried not to let it show how this was tearing her up inside. When their cars pulled away in opposite directions, Lena couldn't help but look back over her shoulder. She wanted nothing more than to jump out of the car and go run to Kara, but the other car was already out of sight and she was being driven away to her future.
What passed next for Lena was a blur. She was matched into a string of 12 hour relationships. First a perfectly nice brunette named Lucy, then a taller woman named Sam. An entirely too severe redhead named Alex- when they slept together, their attempts to top each other were so fierce they left bruises. An older woman named Cat who made Lena feel as though she were back in high school, and nothing she did would be good enough to make the grade. Then Lexa, Maura, Arizona, and Margaery.
She was broken from her blur one evening when she stood at the entrance of the restaurant for her next relationship, "Where's she at?" Lena asked her AI.
"Your date is at the booth in the back of the restaurant." The device told her.
Lena gave her hair a little fluff out before she strode confidently over. She scanned a glance around and frowned, there was no table with a single woman waiting. They were all couples and a bored looking man sitting alone.
"What does she look like?" Lena asked.
"He looks like this."
"He?" Lena frowned down at her AI, now displaying the image of the bored man, "No, I'm gay this has to be a mistake."
"Everything happens for a reason." The AI said, repeating a line Lena had heard so many times since this whole thing had begun.
"But I'm gay. There's no way that this is going to help find my person."
"All of your reactions help calculate your perfect match."
Lena growled in mild annoyance, but decided to suck it up. She strode to the table and sat down across from the man. He looked at her, bored expression turning quickly into one of unabashed delight. His gaze raked up and down her form, lingering at her breasts for a long enough moment to make Lena glare.
"I'm Mike." He introduced with a lecherous smirk.
"Lena." She replied shortly, "Look, I'm gay. I don't know what the system is playing at with this match, but let's just get this on with so we can move on."
"Straightforward, I like that in a woman." He said, not seeming to have absorbed her words.
Lena's glare deepened, "Me too. I like my women, did I mention I'm gay, to be straightforward."
"Shall we…" Mike trailed off, holding up his device and completely ignoring Lena's comment.
"Sure."
Together they pressed the appropriate button, and when the screen flashed and showed Lena the time she had with this man, she quite nearly threw the AI across the room, "You've got to be fucking kidding me."
"This is the longest relationship I've gotten so far." Mike smiled.
"This has to be a mistake."
"Oh, come on, darling. I promise I can be quite surprising." He wiggled his eyes in a manner Lena suspected he must think was appealing.
She grimaced, "Still gay, Mike."
"But we're going to be together for five months." He whined as if that would magically change her mind.
"And if you even think about touching me, I'll kick you in the dick." She threatened.
"You don't mean that."
"I'm wearing four inch heels, try me."
Mike swallowed, visibly shaken. If nothing else, Lena was going to enjoy that for the next five months.
Two weeks, four days, and eight hours. That's how long Lena had been with Mike before she saw her again. Kara. Smiling, her hair haloed around her head as she laid in the grass beside a path that Lena and Mike were walking down.
"Kara?" The brunette asked in disbelief.
She jolted from what Lena assumed to be a nap, Kara's eyes fluttering open and her features softening as she spied the brunette, "Lena."
"It's great to see you again." Lena said honestly, just the sight of Kara put her at ease in a way that she hadn't felt in ages. She felt as if there had been a low level buzzing in the back of her head that was finally silenced. She could finally see and hear clearly and all she saw was Kara.
And then Mike cut in, "How'd you two know each other?"
"We were matched a while ago." Lena supplied, doing her best not to glare at the boy. Her boyfriend she had to remind herself.
"Oh, you're gay too?" Mike asked excitedly.
Lena couldn't help the little smile that she granted Mike at that. He wasn't quite as awful as she had expected after their first dinner, mostly he was harmless if a little dense. After she made it abundantly clear that she wasn't interested (going as far as to actually kick him in the dick after he tried to put his arm around her in the car after the first dinner) he had behaved himself quite well, and proved to be a surprisingly good cook. They were living out their five months together in some state of friendly roommates.
"Yeah, I am." Kara affirmed, looking at him oddly, "Are the two of you-"
"Yes." Lena cut her off.
"For how lo-"
"Five months."
"Yikes."
"Yeah." They were silent a moment, "Are you?"
"Yes, Maggie."
"Is she?"
"Wonderful." Kara forced a smile, nodding down towards the river, "She's skipping rocks now. I prefer just soaking up the sun."
"Right, well we had better-"
"Of course."
"It was nice seeing you."
"And you."
The whole conversation was short and stilted, and all Lena wanted to do was reach out and touch the blonde, reassure herself that she was really there. But she didn't. She smiled, tight and uncomfortable, and let Mike lead the way down the path back towards their home.
Eventually the five months ended. Lena and Mike stood together, waiting for their separate cars to arrive and take them their separate ways.
"I know this wasn't what you wanted, but it hasn't been all awful, has it?" He asked, hands tucked into his pockets.
"No. I suppose it hasn't."
His flashed her a smile, wide and sincere, and Lena had to admit she would miss it just the slightest bit.
"Take care out there." She told him as the cars finally arrived.
"You too."
She surprised them both by stepping forward into his space and throwing her arms round him for a farewell hug.
Her AI came to life later that same day, "Your Ultimate One has been determined, you will meet them tomorrow on your match day."
"Ultimate one as in the perfect match?" Lena asked in disbelief.
"Yes. Your perfect match has been determined and together you will leave this place forever."
"Can you tell me anything about her? It is a her right? Better fucking be, have I met her before?"
"No, you've not yet met her."
A lump grew in her throat, so it wasn't Kara.
"Prior to match day you may select one person to say a farewell to, studies have shown that this helps provide closure."
"A final goodbye." Lena breathed. She had no doubt about who she wanted to see, "Kara, I want to say goodbye to Kara."
"Meet her tonight at seven for dinner."
The date couldn't come soon enough, and when it did, Lena strode single mindedly through the restaurant to where she saw Kara waiting. She stood with a small smile, "Lena, why am I-"
"Tomorrow is my match day, when I'll meet the Ultimate One. But I don't want whoever the system has chosen for me. I want you."
Kara's eyes softened around the edges and she reached out to take the brunette's hands in her own, "Lena-"
"I've never felt more safe than I do when I'm with you. From the moment I met you, it just felt right, like something clicked, like you're the missing piece."
"Lena just-"
"We can run away, we can beat the system. Go over the wall, just come with me."
Lena finally ran out of steam, her voice trailing off as she saw the sad resignation in Kara's eyes, "We can't."
"Yes we can. I like you, really and properly like you Kara, we can have a chance."
But the blonde was shaking her head, "I mean I can't just leave, I want this, Lena. I want to find whoever is perfect for me. You can't just accept that it's not you."
"I don't, but-" Lena whispered.
"I don't want you." Kara said slowly, "It's really best if you leave."
Lena was broken, her stomach dropped out. It felt as if she were going up the stairs in the dark and she expected there to be one more step than there was and her foot fell through empty air. "Kara."
"I deserve better than you." Kara said, her voice unnaturally cold and harsh.
From the corner of her eye, Lena could see security men approaching in response to the scene they were making, "This isn't how it's supposed to happen. We're meant to be together, I love you."
Kara laughed, humorlessly, her eyes cutting, "That's not enough."
A security guard drew alongside Lena, crackling taser raised threateningly, "No. This isn't how it goes!" Lena cried, she put her hand up to the taser, believing against everything that she could push it down. That she could touch the electric current and nothing would happen. She was wrong, a jolt of a shock raced through her hand and she cried out in pain as her world faded to black.
She came to with a gasp. She was in a bed. Her bed she realized belatedly and there was a reassuring hand running along her back, her head was cushioned against a strong chest, and there was a voice murmuring in her ear, "It's okay, Lena. I've got you, you're okay."
She raised her head from the chest, and her eyes locked on the blonde beside her, "Kara." She whispered brokenly, turning and burrowing her face in the taller woman's hair.
"Yes, I'm right here Lena." She replied, holding Lena closer, "I'm right here."
After a moment, Lena regained control of her breathing, and shifted back so she could properly look at Kara. She traced a hand over the blonde's cheek, cupping her jaw, eyes greedily taking in every feature. She pressed a soft kiss to the woman's lips, this was real.
"Was it a nightmare?" Kara finally asked.
"Yeah." Lena admitted.
"What was it about?"
Now that Lena had somewhat recovered from the dream, she was properly embarrassed at the situation, "You'll laugh at me."
"You know I won't." Kara countered.
"You have to promise." Lena said, eyeing the blonde critically.
"Cross my heart."
The CEO took a piece of the blonde's hair between her fingers, twirling it slightly, "It was about Black Mirror."
"I knew we shouldn't have marathoned the new season last night." Kara said, immediately launching into a little tirade, "Was it about the one with those creepy robo dogs? I swear just because it was in black and white doesn't make it any less creepy. But don't worry, I could totally kick one of those dogs ass." She concluded with a confident smile.
Lena chuckled, "I know baby." She pressed another kiss to the blonde's lips, "It was about Hang the DJ with the dating system."
"Oh?" Kara gave the woman space to explain.
"Yeah, we met but then I got set up with all these random people, Lucy, Sam, Alex, Cat-"
"Wait, you went out with my sister?"
"Terribly incompatible."
"But did you, ya know, in the dream?"
"Not the point." Lena dismissed, "I think one of the people was that brunette from Game of Thrones."
"Arya?"
"No, the hot one."
Kara smiled, "Margaery."
"Her!" They both fell silent a second, appreciating the beauty of Natalie Dormer before Lena continued, "Even Mike for a while." Kara's expression stiffened at that one, "He wasn't that terrible actually, mildly likable if a bit thick."
"I can see why it was a nightmare."
"It was you actually, the nightmare part. I tried to get you to run away with me, and uh, you wouldn't."
"Oh." Kara said, her arms instinctively tightening around the brunette, "You know I love you more than anything and-"
"I know." Lena affirmed, bringing a hand up to cup Kara's jaw, "I know, and I love you too."
"Good." She nodded, "It would be a real shame to be married to a woman who doesn't love me back."
Lena rolled her eyes, "Dummy." She admonished, "I know it doesn't make sense, but it just brought back all these stupid insecurities from the beginning of our relationship."
"Hey, hey." Kara knew what to do when these things rose up again, getting right in Lena's space, blocking out anything else, "You are so much more than enough. You are strong and smart and brave, and I am so lucky that out of everyone else you picked me. I love you so much, and you're the only person I could imagine spending my life with."
Against her wishes, Lena felt tears escape the corners of her eyes and she buried her face back in Kara's neck. It took her so long to let herself be vulnerable like this, let someone else see her break down. It took unlearning years of Lillian's bullshit and coming to learn that not everyone was out to play her somehow. Kara had helped.
"Shhh." Kara soothed, "I'm right here, darling."
Laying in Kara's arms, in their bed, their apartment, Lena knew she was safe.
A/N- Let me know what you thought