An Unexpected Road Trip
If This is to End in Fire
Summary: After narrowly escaping from the Misty Mountains, Thorin Oakenshield and Company continue their quest to reclaim their homeland. They must pass through the deep south, avoid the perils of Mirkwood in Louisiana, and finally come to the Lonely Mountain in New Mexico. But what dangers and tricks is the dragon of the mountain preparing? What of the Orcs tracking them? And will Bramble Baggins be able to find the Arkenstone without becoming a victim of dragon fire? Modern Hobbit AU, Fem!Bilbo, and Bagginshield. Trigger Warning: Non-sexual violence against a woman and general sadism in chapters twenty-one and twenty-four.
A/N: Bramble inspired by notbecauseofvictories on Tumblr for her Angel Coulby photo set. Special thanks to The Hobbit Movies on Google+ recommended by for transcripts for the films.
Chapter I: I Didn't Vote For You
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Thorin knew he was broken. He had known it since the Battle of Azanulbizar when he enjoyed slicing off Azog's hand instead of considering it a necessity or a horror.
He tried not to show it, but some people could tell. Balin knew when he saw Thorin weep over Frerin's body, but he thought Thorin was still worth something, even worthy of kingship. Dwalin knew the first time they sparred after the battle, but he thought like Thorin would still be a good king just as Balin did. Dís figured it out when Thorin stopped playing his harp. She wept for him, but always, always supported him, never treating him like the broken thing he was. Fíli and Kíli knew since their childhood their uncle was not right, but they always looked up to him and followed him, even to face a dragon.
Bramble Baggins knew. She probably always knew, maybe even before they first met. Yet, she came on the quest. She thought he was a good man despite his past and the uncertainty of his future.
She believed in him.
The Hobbit who loved books and maps. The Hobbit with multiple pantries. The Hobbit who was terrified of fighting and yet faced one of the most fearsome Orcs in history to protect Thorin. The Hobbit who skipped practically everywhere because she was just happy. She believed in him.
And he had failed her. He had promised her he would protect her. Yet she was dying from a fall which should have never happened. He should have been there. He should have protected her. He should have been able to do something.
"Thorin, Beorn will be here soon," Gandalf said quietly as he crouched down next to where Thorin still held Bramble.
The Dwarf nodded.
"I am telling you this now because you will have to let Bramble go. He will help Bramble or else he would not have come. However, the rest of the Company…"
Thorin felt his mind beginning to work again. "What did you not tell me earlier?"
"I might have left out a detail or two."
"Wizard…"
Gandalf cleared his throat. "He is a skin-changer. Sometimes he's a huge black bear; sometimes he's a great strong man. The bear is unpredictable, but the man can be reasoned with. However, he is not over fond of Dwarves. Your sister has killed the Great Goblin, so that may assist your case. He will either help us or kill us."
"But not Bramble," Thorin said.
"No, he will not harm her," Gandalf said, "He knew Hobbits before they came to the Shire; he is fond of them."
Thorin grunted an acknowledgment. Internally, Thorin berated himself for putting the quest in danger while also belittling himself for risking Bramble's life for a mountain which would be around for a while longer.
"There is a way he might be more willing to help though," Gandalf said.
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Gandalf, Óin, Thorin, and Bramble were the only ones sitting on the gravel outside of the abandoned bar. The rest hid inside.
A white van pulled up next to the group. A man at least seven feet tall unfolded himself from the driver's seat.
"Gandalf," the man said.
"Beorn, your patient," Gandalf said, nodding his head to Bramble.
Beorn got on his knees next to Thorin. The two stared at each other, not saying a word.
Óin said, "If you two want to fight over who is Alpha Dog here, you will both lose since this is my patient."
Beorn looked down at Bramble. "What is wrong with her?"
"We think internal bleeding," Óin said, "She passed out about an hour ago and we haven't been able to wake her. We don't have any supplies to help her and there have been no cars."
"She is a Hobbit?" Beorn said.
"Yes," Thorin said.
"One Hobbit, two Dwarves, and a wizard. Why do I feel there is a story here, Gandalf?" Beorn said, "But I have no time for tales. We will have to go back to my clinic to operate. I do have the supplies to have one of you give her blood."
"She is B-positive," Gandalf said.
"I am O-negative," Thorin said, "Universal donor."
"And you have also loss a lot of blood yourself," Óin scolded.
"Maybe one of the others…" Gandalf said.
"Others?" Beorn said.
Gandalf whistled. Dwalin and Balin came out of the bar.
"More Dwarves," Beorn said darkly. He went back to the van to get the supplies.
"Are either of you B-positive?" Thorin asked.
"No," Balin said.
"I didn't think so," Thorin said. He stroked Bramble's hair.
"Get her into the bar," Beorn said when he returned with a medical bag, "I think the rest of your friends are waiting. Don't give me that look Gandalf. I can see them peeking through the windows."
After a moment of hesitation on Thorin's part, Bearn carefully picked up Bramble and carried her into the bar. The Dwarves eyed the tall stranger warily, but softened at the sight of Bramble.
"B-positive," Beorn said as he laid Bramble on a long table.
"I got B-positive!" Bofur and Bombur said at the same time. Bifur raised his hand and waved it enthusiastically.
"You with the ear hat, now," Beorn said.
Bofur ran over and rolled up his sleeves. "Glad it's me. Sis and I have been planning on basically adopting the professor anyway."
Beorn began looking for a vein in Bofur's arm. "This is proving difficult."
"Really? I've never had a problem before with doctors finding a place to stick me," Bofur said.
"When was the last time you had something to drink?" Beorn said.
"Uh… well, sometime about… a day ago. A little more," Bofur said.
"By all the…" Beorn growled. "And I assume the Hobbit is the same? No wonder she passed out. She's dehydrated and with the internal bleeding…" Beorn muttered to himself and left the bar.
"Where's he going?" Thorin said.
A few moments later, Beorn returned with a package of water bottles. "Drink up. We need to put a saline drip into the patient. I don't want to do a blood transfusion between species unless absolutely necessary."
"So, she'll be alright?" Kíli said.
Beorn answered, "I have no idea. She is dehydrated. Look at her nails and lips. All the signs are there. Thank the powers that be your wizard had some sense to call me. The lot of you are too attached to her to see the problem right in front of you. Dwarves!" The skin-changer began muttering to himself as he cleaned Bramble's hand to prepare the needle.
"What is your plan?" Thorin said.
"I am going to take her back to my clinic," Beorn said, "Since my assistant is off, I will need to take your healer with me. I might as well take the rest of you."
"My thanks," Thorin said.
"Don't thank me yet. I don't know if anything I do will help. She is not… my usual clientele," Beorn said.
"Hobbits are not common, no," Óin said.
"It's not that. I am a veterinarian. I can do surgery on a mouse, but one of the Free Folk?" Beorn shook his head. "Come on. I think I can fit all of you into my car."
"A VET?" the Dwarves yelled at the same time.
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The Company was stuffed into Beorn's white van. Balin, Dwalin, Bifur, and Bombur sat in the back. Nori, Ori, Glóin, and Óin were in the three middle seats. Fíli, Kíli, and Dís sat in the next row with Bramble lying across their laps. Dís held up the saline bag. Bofur and Thorin sat on the floor near the Hobbit. Gandalf and Dori shared the passenger seat in the front while Beorn drove.
About a half-hour later, Thorin said, "How much longer?"
"I am going as fast as I can while avoiding the Orc gangs and without alerting the police. Some of them have been stealing motorcycles until they run out of gas," Beorn said, "About fifteen minutes."
"Well, it could be worse," Bofur said.
Thorin glared. "Last time you said that, the Great Goblin landed on us. As your king, I am going to tell you to shut up."
"Well, I didn't vote for you," Bramble mumbled, her eyes still closed.
The Dwarves let out a cheer and tried to scramble over to Bramble. "Back off the lass!" Óin said, "Professor, wake up."
"Not the line," Bramble mumbled.
Thorin looked around at the group. "If any of you say a word of this, I will personally throw you off the top of Erebor."
The group was confused, but agreed.
Thorin knelt next to Bramble as best as he could in the cramped space. "You don't vote for kings."
"Well, how'd you become king, then?" Bramble mumbled.
"The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king."
"Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony." Bramble opened her eyes slightly. "You can't expect to wield supreme power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!" Bramble smiled.
"Something about violence inherit in the system comes after that," Thorin said.
Bramble nodded. "My line. Not dead?"
"That's another section entirely," Thorin said.
The Hobbit tried to shift her arm position, but found her movements restricted. "What's wrong with me?"
"Dehydration among other things. We are getting you help," Thorin said.
"Just a burglar. You have a quest."
"I need my… we need our burglar," Thorin said, "How are you feeling?"
"I still hurt," Bramble said, "Everyone okay?"
"Everyone is fine," Thorin said.
"You look like a chew toy," Bramble said.
Thorin huffed. "That's because I was one."
"Hmmm… can I go back to sleep?"
"No. You can't. You need to stay awake."
"I don't think I can."
"Bofur," Thorin said, "You are constantly keeping everyone up with your stories. Keep her awake."
"Aye, your majesty," Bofur said. They switched places. "Did I ever tell you about the time I accidentally stole Dwalin's ax?"
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Bramble barely clung to consciousness when Beorn finally stopped the van. Óin switched with Dís to carry the saline when Beorn lifted Bramble out of the car. "We will go into my clinic. My house is in the back. You may wait there or just outside the front desk," Beorn said.
Many flowers and fruit trees surrounded the buildings where the van had stopped. Bees the size of a grown man's thumb buzzed around. Dogs greeted Beorn, but kept out of his way.
"Lovely garden," Bramble said, "Why is it so hot though?"
"Florida is almost always warm, little bunny," Beorn said.
"Eagles called me that. Do I look like a bunny?" Bramble said.
"You are small and seem to be more prey than predator," Beorn said.
"I am not a bunny," Bramble mumbled, "I am… a folklorist. Much more fearsome."
Beorn laughed heartily as he ducked his head to avoid hitting the door frame which led to his clinic. "Much more fearsome indeed."
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A/N: I am aware because the mythology system in LOTR would not allow for the existence of the Holy Grail, Monty Python and the Holy Grail would not actually exist, but we are going to pretend it exists in some shape or form. Why? Rule of Funny.
If This Is to End in Fire Fancast
The World Is Not in Your Books and Maps Mix
If This Is to End in Fire Mix
Also, a reminder/for your information just in case it is not clear.
Female – Bramble "Bilbo" Baggins, Dís, Fíli, Bombur, Glóin, Dori, Nori, Ori, and Bard.
Male – Thorin, Kíli, Óin, Balin, Dwalin, Bifur, and Bofur.