Because of You
Disclaimer: (To the tune of "Hot Cross Buns") I own it not…I own it not…please don't sue me, don't have money, I own…it…not.
A/N: Yes, it's ANOTHER songfic. From the same CD as the last one I did with Misao. Kelly Clarkson's music is just so perfect for her, I can't help it. In any case, this is "Because Of You" by Kelly Clarkson-sama! (Worshipping Kelly Clarkson for being simply incredible) (Nervous grin) Eh heh…on with the fic!
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(I will not make
The same mistakes that you did)
I stared at the earth, willing it to be a bad dream, wishing I could wake up three months ago and have it never have happened.
(I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery)
Despite all my will, a tear slid down my cheek, and I turned my head, so Jiya and the others wouldn't know how much I was hurting. Hurting like you.
(I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard)
But I would live. You had taught me that death was never the answer—and now my life was not the only one in my hands.
(I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far—)
I turned from your grave and walked away, setting myself beneath a sakura tree. I couldn't help but have my thoughts stray to you. The one I loved. DO love. I still love you. I always will. And you will never truly die, as I carry your child.
(Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk)
You showed me many things that night—what it meant to be a woman, what it was like to be loved.
(Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt)
I didn't want you to leave; I didn't want you to hurt me. You were convinced that you had…convinced that you were dishonorable.
(Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me)
For two and a half months after you left, I drew into myself. I became a ghost of who I had been. And then I found out…
I was pregnant.
What now? What for my future now?
(Because of you—
I am afraid…)
I went after you.
(I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out)
I knew it was hopeless, but something drew me on. I had to find you. Many times I would collapse, sobbing, inches from giving up, but your cold voice echoed in my head, driving me forward.
(I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes)
It was then that I found you…but I was bare minutes too late.
You were on your knees, sword through your liver. Seppuku. I saw the last glimmer of life pass from your eyes, a glimmer that didn't even know me.
When the others found out, I was able to act as if it were sad, but not apocalyptic. For they still didn't know about the child. They didn't know that you were the father.
(I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life)
You're gone. I still can't grasp that, still as you lie in the ground.
(My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with)
My heart was broken on that night. You took it with you when you left, and I don't have one, even now. Even now.
(Because of you
I never strayed too far from the sidewalk)
And although my heart is gone, you live in my soul. And in my womb.
(Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt)
Perhaps I should just…forget you. Find a new man. Ha. I know I can't do that. I love you. You taught me so much, things I can never forget.
(Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me)
Okon and Omasu can tell something's wrong; I know it. Just WHAT they think is wrong, I can only guess at. Although I've never been happier (if happy I can be) that I wear such loose clothes.
I was jerked back to the present with an uncomfortable jolt of pain in my abdomen.
What's happening?
(Because of you—
I am afraid…)
The pain came again, white hot, screaming through my consciousness. I didn't have the energy to cry out, and I dimly noted the spreading dark stain on the grass beneath me before I sunk into my mind.
(I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep)
Through the pain, I saw your face. The smile you wore but once, your blank agony that you wore in death.
(I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me)
I can't take this! What is happening to me?
Their voices called to me through the fog as a sword ripped through my womb and thighs…I may have screamed…I don't know.
(You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain)
When I finally realized what was happening to me, I wanted to die right then.
(And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing…)
"Misao." A voice echoed.
"Did I ever teach you to give up?"
I knew who it was. And I knew I couldn't die. Even if I lost my son, I would live.
(Because of you
I never strayed too far from the sidewalk)
The blackness slowly overcoming me, I faintly heard their voices calling me back…but I was gone.
(Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt)
I awoke several days later. Omasu was sobbing.
"We thought we lost you…we thought we lost you…"
My heart sank. "My…my son?"
"Miscarried."
(Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything)
For the first time in front of anyone in two years, I cried. They knew. And I was shamed.
(Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in)
The crying didn't help. I just felt hollow. You, my love…and my child…both gone. What had I left to live for?
(Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty)
What now? Dear Kami-sama what now?
(Because of you—
I am afraid…)
But I can't die. You would never forgive me if I did. I know that. So…I'll live. For you.
(Because of you…)
I have to live for you.
(Because of you…)
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A/N: Blargh, that could have been so much better…in any case, please let this unworthy one know what you think of her song-based ramblings! Arigatou! (Bows)