Long ago, tales from the ancients told about the end of the world… they said that one day, the sun would be swallowed and the moon would go out. They wrote this prediction in the form of a long, confusing, and mostly nonsensical prophecy, as most ancients do when they want to frustrate their descendants.

This story started with a Pikachu and a Snivy, who are both completely irrelevant to this prophecy.

The said Pikachu and Snivy stood in front of a cave, arguing about important matters like the best method of picking one's nose. After a tense, heated minute of wild gestures and raised voices, they compromised and began arguing about something else.

The meadow that they had been standing in had been silent and tranquil before the duo's arrival. Annoyed at the invaders, a couple birds screeched at them from their perches. Sensitively, the Pikachu and Snivy ignored them and raised their voices above the cacophony. Now they were arguing about an inconspicuous cave, which really disliked the attention and would rather have been somewhere else.

"Roman, we can't go exploring every cave that has Zubat dung a foot thick! It's gross and frankly, stupid." The Snivy, disgusted, turned his nose up and folded his leafy arms.

"You can't dampen my dream," the Pikachu said, turning to face the cave. "One day I'll find someone, somewhere, that will be my friend!" He raised a paw to the sky. "I'm surprised no one we've met yet has wanted to make my stunning acquaintance."

"I think it had something to do with the screams of terror they make. Maybe you shouldn't show off your fake muscles so much." Ae shrugged. "Besides, you'd be mincemeat in there if I wasn't there, and I'm not going in."

Roman flexed his nonexistent muscles absently. "I can take anything they throw at me! I'm strong! I'm amazing!" He shot a dazzlingly repulsive smile at the cave. All of the onlookers shuddered.

Ae kicked at Roman's ankle. The Pikachu fell dramatically to the ground in slow motion.

"What I lack in strength I make up for in talent and looks." Roman lifted his head and burped. "Man, I love eating dirt. It's one of my favorite pastimes."

Two Zubats were listening to the scene from the cave. "I can't see, but I can sense the sheer idiocy coming off that Pikachu."

"How disgusting. Let's go pick each other's noses."

The Snivy lifted his head in a silent prayer. "If we do this one cave, will you shut up and stop following me everywhere?"

"You'll be happy to have my company when I become famous."

Ae dragged himself and Roman to his feet. "Be quick. I'm missing my favorite shows."

A short while later, Ae and Roman stood in a pile of charred and beaten Zubats. The Snivy was admiring his handiwork when another one flew across his path, minding its own business. "What are you looking at?" he snapped, and threw the Zubat into a wall.

"I don't even have eyes!" the Zubat wailed, lying in a heap on the ground.

Roman was in another part of the cave, having a nice chat with another Zubat. Reaching into his left ear, he pulled out a pair of sunglasses and handed them to the other pokemon. "In case you get blinded by my sheer brilliance," he said, winking and posing.

The Zuabt very politely told him exactly what to do with those glasses.

Ae reached the back of the cave, which was dark, boring and layered in Zubat dung. "I told you this was a waste of time, Roman! We didn't even find any dead adventurers!"

"No corpses? Where are we going to get our lunch money then?" Roman joined him and pounded on the cave wall. "I demand that this world caters to my need for treasure!"

An ominous groan echoed through the cave and the wall swung back noisily, revealing a secret room with a hole in the ceiling. A beam of light lay on a weathered sheet of parchment that sparkled mystically. The room was circular and the walls perfectly smooth. The secret door swung shut behind them, which the explorers paid no notice to. Suddenly a booming, disembodied voice began to shout at them.

"Adventurers! Brave heroes, surely the time has come for you to save the world! This ancient script has been imbued with great power to bless the one that reads it! trust that you will use it- you're three hundred years early."

Roman paid no attention to the voice and said, "Look Ae, no poop!"

Ae bent over the paper. "Looks like a prophecy of some sort. Can you understand this, Roman?"

Roman was too busy stealing the magical sparkles from the paper and sticking them to his head.

The voice became slightly higher pitched. "These words are not for you! They have been prepared for a time darker than yours!"

Ae snorted. "So? I'll be dead then!"

The voice went silent.

Roman squinted at it and then turned the paper upside down. "Yeah, but it's not about me. Do you have a pen? Never mind, I do." He dug around in his left ear again, much to the chagrin and disgust of Ae.

"I never wanted this job. I wanted to be a telemarketer."

Ae winked at the air. "Dream big."

Roman blew the earwax off of his pen and put his few brain cells to the test. "Ae, do you think I should replace all the nouns with my name, or just most of them?"

"You can't just rewrite a sacred prophecy. It doesn't work that way."

"How do you know? Have you ever had a prophecy about you?"

"You haven't either; you're just scribbling over the real words and adding 'Roman.' It's sacrilegious."

Roman waved a hand, shushing the Snivy. "Tell me how this sounds. If we say it out loud, maybe then it'll give me magical powers."

Ae plucked at one of the pink sparkly stars surrounding Roman's head. It continued floating in place. "You seem to already be bending many of the laws of physics, so what's rewiring a whole freaking prophecy that will change the fate of the world?"

Roman ignored him and cleared his throat. When he spoke, the words took on a mystical quality, filling the chamber with his small, high-pitched voice. Ae tried his best to plug his ears.

Splinter of the moon, brings destruction and ruin

A fatal stone, a dragon's bone, Roman's journey out into unknown!

Stronger than a lightning sliver, faster than a raging river, last sight is a flash of Roman,

"You do realize that you're reading that upside down?" Ae tried to turn it right side up and ended up ripping the page down the middle. "That wasn't an accident. My ears couldn't take any more butchery."

Roman whined, trying to piece the ripped parts together.

Ae grinned. "The only thing that's worse than a prophecy about you is a prophecy that's ruined. Actually, what's the difference?" He looked at his wrist as if expecting a watch to appear. "Well, now that my world-destroying time is done, it's time for naptime. How do we get out?"

Roman kicked the door and began crying.

Ae perked up. "Good idea, Roman! If you cry enough, maybe we can fill up this chamber and escape through the skylight! Of course, I'll have to come up with an excuse to leave you behind."

"I can get you out," the source-less voice said, sounding all too triumphant. "I'll just need your souls!"

Ae tapped his chin. "Ooh… no can do. What if I just make four easy payments of ₱19.95?"

Roman stopped bawling and looked up hopefully. "Do we get free shipping and handling, or do we have to pay that separately? What are we buying again?"

"Never mind," Ae said, flapping a hand. "For a wannabe telemarketer, you're really bad at making me want to buy anything."

Roman nodded. "Normally this is the part where you say, 'But wait, there's more!' and then double our offer."

"What? No! This is not a negotiation!"

"I have some exploding seeds here," Roman said, shoving a paw inside his ears. "Maybe we can use them to blow open the door."

"I think your ears are a portal to the Distortion World." Ae weighed a seed in his hand. "They're not very heavy."

Roman threw one at the door. It shattered on the stone and fell to the ground unspectacularly. "I know an Absol that specializes in explosions. If only he were here."

"Maybe you have to eat them," Ae suggested. "You try it first. Make sure you stand as far away from me as possible."

Roman swallowed a handful whole.

Ae cringed away. "I was being sarcastic."

A few seconds passed, and Roman's hopeful expression turned to disappointment. "Darn. I wanted to see what it was like to explode."

Another second later, the cave vaporized into a pile of dust.

Roman patted himself all over. "Great! That must have been my prophetic powers finally arriving!"

Ae squinted through the haze of dust that the collapse of the cave had thrown up. "Did your prophetic powers include summoning a seventeen-foot tall blue dragon?"

-o-

This short fic is the result of a challenge. I told Dranicus101 that I would update today if he did, so I threw this together in a few hours. Go read his fics if you're a fan or Red VS Blue!