Summary: Me making fun of overused fanfiction stories and adding my own little touch. Some swearing, but that's about it. ExB, vampires...
A/N: I was reading quite a fanfiction when I started to mentally make fun of it. And I continued to think about it, and it just ran along in my head, so as I was going about my activities, walking around the house, having a shower, I would just crack up laughing.
So, I decided to get my ideas down and post it. I wanted to get some feedback into my craziness. Yeah...
Enjoy!
A/N 2: So I kind of decided to change the title... I decided to give people a heads up with the kind of Bella we're dealing with in the story... so thus the title, "Out of Wack Vamp Bella".
A/N 3: Oh, I also added a little bit more to this. Fixed some things up.
Disclaimer: Me? Own Twilight? Not at all! 'Course I don't! Are you thick or something?
Out of Wack Vamp Bella
EPOV
So we were back in Forks. Huzzah. I miss Bella.
By golly! Alice just had a vision!
I searched into her mind to see Bella skipping down the street as a vampire not a block away. Oh, how I could be so lucky. I could make it up to her.
But oh noes! She's a big ol' vamp! I left so she wouldn't become one of us. So she wouldn't have her soul be damned. I wondered who did this to her and got angry. Yeah. Grr. That's what I do in all of the other fanfics, so I figured I'd have to in here too.
I ran at my fastest speed to where I saw Bella skipping down the street. I hid in the trees and was glad that Alice had decided to give me privacy to try to confront Bella.
"Step on a crack and you....uh... what were the words? Um, you are on crack! Yeah!" She jumped and landed rather ungraciously on the sidewalk, creating a crack due to her marble-like figure. How ironic.
"Step on a line...and...you grow another spine! Wheeew!!!" She laughed, looking rather giddy.
Just then, she reached the convenience store, which was situated in the middle of nowhere. How...convenient.
There was a children's ride out the side of the store, awaiting someone to insert a quarter into the slot to let their child sit in a plastic car and rock side to side for thirty seconds.
Bella eyed in, with obvious conflict in her eyes. Apparently one side won out over the other, because she said, "Oh, my guiltiest pleasure!"
She ran at the kid's ride at vampire speed and inserted a coin before hopping in. Her knees stuck out, yet she had a large grin on her face.
What. The. Fuck?
"Weeeeee!!! Wow! This is exhilarating! Holy mother! Biggest adrenaline rush of my lif-existence! Yay! I never want this moment to end!" She cried out, the most ecstatic I had ever seen her.
I watched my eyes wide, jaw dropping, not being cautious to stay out of view anymore.
I decided to put a stop to this. I stepped out further where Bella could see me.
"Bella?" I said tentatively. I couldn't imagine her reaction to my appearance when she was so clearly out of it.
Her head snapped up to me. Her eyes widened and she leaped out of the kid's ride. "Wow."
"Bella?" I asked again, becoming increasing confused as the seconds passed by.
"Edward! Oh. But you're just a hallucination. You always are. Wheew!" She began dancing around me, keeping eye contact, but swinging her arms over her head. "Ooooohhhh!" She was making ghost noises now, "Hallucination Edward, you are a prisoner of my mind. But I shall set you free!"
Before she could do anything else that would embarrass me further in front of the trees and woodland creatures, I grabbed a hold of her and ran back to my house, where everyone was awaiting our arrival, courtesy of Alice.
A chorus of 'Bella's went around the room and she looked at all of them with recognition crossing her features. But of course, being the crazy fanfiction that this is, the author decided to make her suddenly fearful of everyone because something must have happened to her, otherwise the story is not interesting enough.
"Arrggh!!" Bella screamed and ran to the other side of the room. "Don't hurt me, equally invincible vampires to myself! I didn't do anything! Nooo!"
"Bella? We're not here to hurt you! We want to speak to you!" Alice approached her slowly, eyeing her cautiously, but Bella cowered on the floor and sobbed tearless sobs. It was a pitiful sight.
Bella 's mind seemed to be going in different directions. I could only imagine the chaos there'd be if I was able to see into her mind.
"Who are you people? What do you want from me?" she cried out, still sobbing. My hopes plummeted as I realised she didn't remember me. Then I froze. That didn't even make sense! She recognised me!
The family looked at one another in confusion, raising an eyebrow at her questionable behaviour. They then turned to me to give me sympathetic looks. Rosalie, however, just raised an eyebrow at me as if to say 'you fell in love with that'.
"Bella, please. Talk to us," Alice persisted after the sobs had subsided.
Bella looked up and straightened out. "Oh hey guys!" she called out happily, abruptly remembering us. I didn't know if I considered this a good thing or a bad thing. But apparently now the author of this curséd fanfic felt consistency was beneath them, so it was changed. I wanted to hit them. But they wrote it for me not to do so.
Bella waved and ran around the room to give us a hug. When she reached me, she hugged me softly and looked shy again. It was cute and gave me a glimpse of the Bella I had not seen for many years. And the Bella that was certainly not the one we had come to witness.
"Hunting!" she screamed without warning and ran outside into the forest. Yes, because apparently that's what you do when you meet your ex-vampire-boyfriend and his family, who include your best friend. Yes, you run out.
Again: What. The. Fuck?
Alice ran after her to accompany her. But since she is stereotypical fanfiction Alice, she ran around the room first, trying to convince people to come shopping with her, despite the fact that there are more important matters at hand, and planning to do a 'Bella Barbie' session.
She left and I made my way to my room to recover mentally. I was exhausted.
Soon enough, Alice returned with Bella. Alice had a sudden shift in personalities to the concerned best friend again. I was thankful for that. I couldn't deal with two vampires who were off their nut.
I joined them as Alice began speaking.
"Bella, I thought maybe you'd like to freshen up? I'll bring you a change of clothes if you want to take a shower." Alice looked at her kindly.
"Yeah," Bella said. I watched her warily, waiting for the next stupid thing to come out of that mouth of hers. "That, and I'd also like to take a poo."
What. The. FUCK!?!
Alice's eyes widened and they flashed to me quickly in a 'what the heck should I do?' sort of fashion. When I didn't respond, too stunned myself, she spoke again. "Uh... Bella, we're vampires. We can't...poo."
"Really?" Bella asked, completely flabbergasted. "Then what is that weird feeling I have in the bottom of my stomach. It comes whenever he's around." She pointed to me.
Great. So she thought she wanted to poo whenever I was around her.
"Uhh..." Alice looked like she wanted to laugh when Bella said that, but didn't want to be mean to me. "Jasper!" she called out. "We need you to help figure out what Bella's feeling."
Jasper appeared almost instantaneously and looked at Bella. "Well, what you're feeling is love."
My dear love, Bella, is confusing her feeling of love with needing to excrete faecal matter? How...pleasant. Note the fucking sarcasm.
"Ah...oh yeah. The feeling is coming up here now," Bella said, placing a hand on her chest. Despite the moment's corniness, I just wanted to kiss her for her personality's near re-arrival, if that even makes sense. We left her to clear her mind, as we knew now she was as dim as a very, very dark room. Quite the opposite of the bright Bella we used to know.
Jasper, Alice and I sat around the television, waiting for Bella. Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett had conveniently disappeared from this fanfic to suit the author. Yay for her.
Bella walked down the stairs in her fresh clothes and smiled brightly at us. "Hello. I'm sorry about that. I'm smart again."
I looked at her weirdly again. Another weird thing to say. Huh. What do you know?
I chanced a look at Jasper who was staring at Bella intently. "She's not lying! She's certainly feeling more intelligent!"
Alice confirmed this. "And I don't see her say anything else really stupid."
I sighed in relief and ran over to hug my Bella. She was back. I wonder if she was previously possessed... Unless that was her power. Stupidity.
She hugged me back tightly. Then, suddenly she was angry at me. I didn't know why, but that's just the way it is. It's what I have come to learn when this particular author is writing our story. I just roll my eyes at this because I know that since all the other fanfics turn out to have a happily ever after, and she is pretty much making fun of most of them, that is how it'll end up. All sappy and crap like that.
Bella ran out of the house at full speed. I chased after her and by the time I stopped her and pinned her to the ground, we were in the midst of the forest.
"Why did you run?" I asked her, kind of pissed off, as you would be should the love of your life be giving you a hug before taking off on their heels in the middle of it.
"Why did you leave?!" she cried out.
I looked at her confused. Then realisation dawned on me. Leave all those years ago. Leave her while she was human.
"Bella," I tried not to show to pain on my face as I recalled the memories of her broken expression in the forest. "I left so you could be safe. I love you. I left you because I love you. I thought you'd be better off without the vampires in town."
She was still angry. She used her strength and pushed me off her and turned to face me in a crouch, growling viciously.
"Bella, I love you," I said in a pathetic lovesick voice. I swear I was having an out of body experience, because it didn't feel like me talking. Or maybe it was the stupid me taking over momentarily. Bella's stupidity had rubbed off on me. "I love you. Marry me."
Ok, so proposing to someone when they want to rip your arms off – yeah, I know she wouldn't go so far as to rip my head off... – is not such a good idea. Well so I thought.
"Oh, Edward! I love you! Of course I'll marry you!" Bella gushed, fluttering her eyelashes and leaping into my arms.
So, I lived happily ever after. Yeah. All that sappy stuff.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed my ramblings. Seriously, I don't know what got into me. I was on quite a peculiar sugar high...
Review and tell me what you think.
Teacup!