A/N: This is, hopefully, the first of a two- or three-part series of one-shots all inspired by the song "Your Guardian Angel" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (it was originally posted on their as "The Acoustic Song"). I've posted some of the lyrics, but I would definitely recommend listening to the song before/while/after reading the fic. I'm not sure this really came out the way I wanted it to; I haven't written anything angsty in a long time, and I didn't want it to be too cliché and melodramatic, but I think it might be anyway. Oh, well.
Disclaimer: Remus is not mine. Sirius is not mine. The entire Harry Potter universe is not mine. The song "Your Guardian Angel" isn't mine either. All that I own is my weak storyline.
Warning: If you're homophobic, leave now. Trust me.
When I see your smile
Tears roll down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me
I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up for you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
And seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up for you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, "Your Guardian Angel"
Your Guardian Angel
Most of the time, Remus Lupin was quite skilled at appearing to be an unremarkable, well-adjusted boy (especially in light of his decidedly remarkable "furry little problem"). Next to James and Sirius, he seemed positively normal. And most of the time, even Remus believed that it was true.
But there were some days – days that all teenagers have at some point or another – days when he felt that everyone, including himself, might just be better off if he jumped from the top of the Astronomy Tower. Of course, he hated to be so melodramatic, but there it was. On these days, he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he deserved neither the protection of Dumbledore nor the friendship of the Marauders. On these days, he couldn't see the point of spending seven years getting a Hogwarts education when at best he'd never be able to hold a steady job or have a family, and at worst he'd lose control, bite someone and go to Azkaban for the rest of his life.
On these days, Remus became even more introverted that usual. He subconsciously avoided James and Sirius because they were handsome and smart and charismatic and outgoing and – and everything that Remus would never be. And on these days, he hated them for it, for being a constant reminder of his own inadequacies.
It was one of those days, and Remus was feeling particularly angst-ridden. He had snuck up to the Astronomy Tower – which, counter-intuitively enough, was an excellent place to hide during the day because all the Astronomy classes were at night – with the intention of simply waiting it out. It was early spring, one of the first warm days of the year, and Remus could hear the shrieks of the first-years playing with the Giant Squid. They made him feel infinitely, unbearably old, like his sixteen-year-old body was ready to collapse beneath the weight of such suffering as few people five times his age had endured. He certainly hadn't been that innocent at 11; the bite of a werewolf caused even the youngest children to acquire an unnatural cynicism.
This day was different than the others. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but the bright afternoon sunlight had an almost dusky glow to it. Remus could practically see the sun sink lower and the new flowers fade as the green leaves lit up like fire and then fell. There was something decidedly finite in the air.
Remus made no conscious decisions that afternoon. When he left the Astronomy Tower, he went to dinner as usual with James, Sirius and Peter, who made obvious efforts to be extra-nice to him. He watched himself, detached as if none of it was actually happening to him, as if he were watching a tragic movie. He returned to his room, alone, and calmly found his spare razor blades before locking himself in the bathroom.
And then, just as everything had been spinning by him, happening all without his permission, time came to a sudden standstill. He was in the bathroom, by himself, surrounded with silence. Picking up a razor blade, he held it carefully between his thumb and index finger to examine it. Like all of the most important decisions in life, this one could not be rationalized. It wasn't that life had completely and utterly ceased to be worth living. He had good things; he knew that. He also had bad things. Everyone did. But he just couldn't help thinking that whatever came next after this life might be better.
These would not be the first self-inflicted scars on his wrists; Merlin knew he had torn at them enough in wolf form. The wolf had figured things out long before Remus did…
Sirius never did leave him alone for very long, particularly on those days. Remus had known he would be the first to get there, sooner rather than later.
Remus was sitting on the floor in a shower stall, leaning back against the wall, disinterestedly watching the blood flowing from the long, careful slits on his wrists when he heard, "Moony?" and a muffled "Alohamora!" Sirius burst in, blanching as he took in the sight of Remus, slightly glassy-eyed and covered in his own blood.
"Holy fuck, Remus! Shit! Fuck! Jesus, Joseph, Mary Mother of God!" (Sirius always had liked colorful Muggle profanities.)
Remus noted hazily that he had never seen Sirius like this before. He looked terrified, but at the same time he was angrier than Remus had ever seen him. His eyes shone with pent-up tears.
"Jesus fucking Christ!" Sirius seemed unable to do anything but swear in his shock. "What the bloody hell were you thinking? Shit!"
Suddenly Sirius stopped cursing and spring into action, scooping Remus up and holding him tight as he marched out of the bathroom. Remus, whose vision was beginning to go dark around the edges, didn't struggle.
"Where're we going?" he murmured, letting his head fall against Sirius' chest.
"To the hospital wing before you lose any more blood," Sirius replied firmly. His tone changed abruptly. He was still walking, and Remus felt Sirius clutch him a bit tighter. "Oh Moony," he whispered. "How could you?"
When Remus woke, the hospital wing was dark, with weak beams of light from the new moon slipping in the windows and giving the room an ethereal glow. For a moment he wasn't sure where he was: had Sirius been too late? But when he looked around, the first thing he noticed was that his sore wrists were heavily bandaged. The second was that his right hand was gripped in Sirius'. Remus squeezed Sirius' hand lightly and the other boy, sitting in a chair next to Remus' bed, started and opened his eyes.
"Moony!" A relieved smile spread across his face.
Remus gave him a small, hesitant grin. "Hi, Padfoot."
Sirius flicked his wand at Madame Pomfrey's door, muttering "Muffliato!" and then looking back at Remus. "Thank Merlin; I was so worried…" Sirius trailed off. "I, um, hope you're not angry with me," he said softly, looking awkward and embarrassed and altogether not at all himself. "I suppose… that is, it was selfish of me, I know, but…"
"But what?" Remus asked. Sirius had saved his life, even if it was Remus himself who was endangering it; surely that wasn't so selfish.
"I was afraid," Sirius said simply. "Afraid of… what would happen if you, um, if you did it. Of what would happen to me."
Remus still wasn't thinking very clearly, but one thought managed to float to the top. "I didn't want to hurt you, Padfoot. I never did." It was confusing him, that him ending his own life would have caused Sirius pain.
"I know," Sirius replied. "But when you hurt, I hurt. You're like… you're part of me, Moony." He shrugged. "I don't think I know how to live without you anymore. It would be like trying to live without my lungs or my brain. Or my heart."
Remus was trying to understand what Sirius was saying. Slowly, it was starting to make sense. Did Sirius mean what Remus thought he did?
"You're everything I'm not, Moony," Sirius continued. "You're thoughtful and dedicated and intelligent and so strong and I… and I need you."
Tears were building up behind Remus' eyes. He blinked and one spilled down his cheek leaving a wet, silver trail. He felt more selfish than he ever had in his entire life.
"I just," Sirius said hesitantly, fumbling for the words. "I just hope you'll stay."
When Sirius kissed him, Remus felt like he was waking from a bad dream. How could he ever have imagined that the next life would be better when it certainly wouldn't have Sirius?
"I'm so sorry," Remus murmured against Sirius' cheek. "I shouldn't have..."
"You have nothing to be sorry for," Sirius told him. "I will always be here for you."
Sirius' breath was warm on Remus' face. "I love you, Sirius Black," Remus whispered. He could not recall ever having said those words to anyone, seriously or facetiously. It felt wonderful. "I love you."
"And I love you, Remus Lupin. Always have. Always will."
Remus fell asleep wrapped in Sirius' arms, their fingers and legs intertwined, feeling Sirius' heart beating against his back.
End