He feels like the pressure in his heart is going to have him keel over at any moment. Good job he's in a hospital then, he supposes. As he sits in the waiting room, sandwiched between Doug and Cheryl, it feels like the world could well be coming to an end – there is nothing but a hazy distorted fog in front of him which he can barely comprehend, let alone make sense of.
How did they get here? How could this happen?
Cheryl squeezes his hand tightly as she tries to suppress the tears that have been falling freely for the last two hours. Poor woman. She's full of regrets and fears;
"Oh Ste, I just… I don't understand! He was FINE. I'm so sure he was fine the night before and I just… I never thought… it never even entered my mind that he could…"
She couldn't finish that sentence. Ste couldn't finish it for her.
And now they're here. Brendan is lying in some hospital bed behind walls and a locked door which none of them are allowed into. His body is being pumped by tubes. His gut is being emptied. Emptied of the hundreds of sleeping pills he poured down his throat just last night.
… Just an hour or so after his confrontation with Ste.
And now he could die. He could be gone from Ste's life forever. Just like that – a memory, and not a person. How is that even possible? How does that make any sense?
Doug holds Ste's other hand, but other than that he remains silent and unreadable. He had arrived here just a few minutes after Ste had. He'd left the house immediately after receiving Ste's tearful phone-call. Despite everything that has happened between them over the last week, he's still come through for Ste. He is a good guy. Which only makes all of this worse. Ste wishes he'd at least yell. He wishes somebody would scream, and blame him. But nobody is blaming him, because nobody here knows what happened between Ste and Brendan… just last night.
"Cheryl," he whispers, and his voice comes out rasped and croaky, "Are you sure he didn't say anythin' to you?"
"He didn't say anything." Cheryl sniffs. "He just said he was tired and he was going to bed… and then…"
"Yeah."
He doesn't want to hear it again. He can't bear to.
He can't bear to re-live what happened to him just this morning….
XoxoxoxoX
"Oh my God!" Amy gasps as Ste emerges from his bedroom at 8.15, "You look awful!"
Ste rolls his eyes. "Gee, thanks Amy."
"No I mean… tired. Are you okay?"
"Course! I'm fine." Ste snaps. He tries to hide from her his red swollen eyes which sting like hell right now. He feels dehydrated as well, like he cried out every piece of fluid left in his body last night. And now he has to go to the deli to work. And to see Doug. Great. That's all he needs; more tension and more ex's hating him.
"I found this on the floor." Amy says timidly.
She hands Ste his phone. His phone that is now scratched and dented at the side; victim to a mass of abuse. It's turned off. Ste turned it off last night, when through a haze of tears he couldn't bear the ringing anymore. He'd shut the damn thing down and lobbed it against the wall of the kitchen. He wouldn't be surprised if it's dead now.
However, it turns on.
Ste looks at it blankly, feeling numb as a mass of notifications fill the screen.
11 Missed Calls From – Brendan.
Ste's stomach flops. He hadn't given up then. He assumed Brendan might have given up after the last time.
"I've said all I have to say Brendan!" He'd cried, trying to keep his voice level and not give away the tremble of agony. "You have to STOP ringing me now. Please." – and then he'd hung up. And then he'd turned it off.
"Anything interesting?" Amy asks him now.
"No." Ste answers miserably.
"And… are you going to see Doug today?"
"Yeah."
"And what are you gonna say to him?"
"Dunno. Depends if he wants to talk to me."
"Oh, Ste." Amy sighs. She wraps her arms gently around Ste's shoulders, pulling him tightly into an embrace. "What am I gonna do with you, eh?"
Ste smiles weakly at her support. She's good, is Amy. But he doesn't want to talk about it. Not right now. He's done talking and his body and mind are both exhausted. He just wants to shut down… forget it all… forget Doug, forget Brendan, forget everything that's happened in the last week… crawl into a ball and…
His phone rings.
Calling: Cheryl
He stares down at it, blinking.
Why would Cheryl call him?
His hands shake slightly as he moves to press answer, and his knees feel weak but he doesn't know why. Everything starts spinning and he moves to sit down as Cheryl's voice calls faintly through to him…
"Ste? Ste… are you there?"
"What is it?" Ste's voice is small. It's a wander she can hear him.
But she does, and before she can answer him she lets out a huge almighty sob down the phone.
Ste doesn't even remember whether he needed her to tell him. It's like he already knows. He can feel the vomit rising in his gut, and the horror swelling in his chest and he feels like he's going to faint…
He drops the phone, and the world seems to come to a screaming halt.
XoxoxoxoxoX
"Cheryl? Do you wanna cup of tea or anything?" Doug asks quietly. He hovers about, evidently awkward about the whole situation and yet feeling he can't leave. Once again, Ste has put him into a position he can never cope with. Ste has thrown him out of his depth – again. Because Ste's clearly the worst person in the world.
"I'm alright love, thank you." Cheryl does her best to give Doug a smile. It doesn't reach her eyes though. In the corners of her eyes there is blame there… blame… on Doug? No… Ste won't allow that. None of this is Doug's fault; NONE of this.
He was an innocent fly caught in the horrendously messy web that Ste and Brendan created together.
"Cheryl." Ste speaks shakily. "This is my fault."
"No, don't be silly love, this is nobody's fault, this is…"
"I pushed 'im to it, didn't I?"
"You didn't, Ste." That was Doug. Still being a good guy. Ste doesn't know why, because he doesn't deserve this kindness, from Doug of all people.
"No, I did." Ste can feel the tears rising again… but there's nothing left inside him… nothing comes up. "I did… I fucked him up…"
"You didn't!" Doug argues. "Look, Brendan…. He's a messed up guy, okay?"
"EXCUSE ME, my brother isn't-"
"No, I just mean… he's clearly got a lot of problems! He's unhappy! But… but nobody caused this, alright? At least… none of us did anyway."
"Maybe you should go, Doug." Cheryl says coldly.
Doug sighs. He resigns. He begins to pick up his coat and starts…
"Yeah, okay, I'll go…"
"No! Please don't!" Ste begs. He knows he's being selfish, but he can't help it. He can't bear to be left alone… not with Cheryl. Once Cheryl finds out what he did… "Please stay here, Doug. Please."
Once again, Doug sighs. For the first time, Ste looks at him and for the first time he notices the tired bags under his eyes, the similar swollenness that Ste shares with him. Only Ste cried over Brendan last night, and Doug…
Ste can't bear to think. God, he feels so fucking selfish.
XoxoxoxoxoxoX
4 DAYS EARLIER.
"So… so what are you saying?" Ste asks shakily.
He and Doug are lit only by the dim illumination of the oven. Apart from that, everything is dark. The deli is silent. The business that was once the answer to all their prayers is weighed down with tension and lies and guilt.
"I'm saying I can't be a part of this." Doug breathes. "I can't… I'm not gonna… I'm not gonna be your temporary…fling… I can't do that."
"That's not what this is, Doug, I swear."
"Then why would you help him?" Doug's voice cracks with emotion. His eyes sparkle with tears, and he looks so hurt, so crushed. Ste has to look away. He can't bear to be the one to do this to him.
"I have to help him." He breathes shakily, "He needs me."
"No, you need him, Ste. And you think that if you help him and he gets better, you can finally go back to him."
"I don't think that!"
"Well I don't believe you!" Doug shouts. This voice rings off the walls and the ceiling, as if it's all about to break and crash around them. Doug never shouts. He never loses his temper. But right now, it looks like he's lost everything.
"Please." Ste whispers. "Please… I just… I know what it's like, don't I? Cos… cos I went through it; anger management I mean, and I know what it's like, so I'm the only one who can support hi…"
"That's not what my problem is!" Doug laughs, incredulous. "My problem is you said you HATED him! But now, all of a sudden there's a chance he can come through for you, and you're putty in his hands!"
"I PROMISE Doug, I'm NEVER gonna leave you, I swear!"
"No. No you can't, because I'm ending it."
"No, please!"
"No I won't do it! I won't go through it, Ste! You and him… you and him… you're poison together, you know that?" The tears are flowing from his eyes now, but he doesn't seem to care. "Your… your FUCKED-UP relationship is poison to everyone it touches, and I refuse to put myself in the middle of it, okay, I refuse!"
He grabs his coat and starts to march from the deli. But Ste can't let him leave, he just can't! With every step Doug takes away from him, it feels like every resolve in Ste is breaking. Everything he worked so hard to re-build in himself is crashing down.
"There IS NO RELATIONSHIP, Doug, I SWEAR!"
"Yeah, whatever you say, Ste."
"No PLEASE!"
Doug halts. Because Ste's words come out more like a manic shriek than they do a plead. Doug turns and looks, horror-struck, into the tear-stained face and trembling limbs of the lad he fell in love with.
Ste stands rooted to the spot, but his whole body is shaking. His fingers twist violently around each other in front of him. He looks on the verge of a breakdown and Doug doesn't even know what to do about it…
"Please Doug, please don't go." Ste begs desperately. "Please don't go. If you go, I'll go back to him, and I can't do that Doug, I can't!"
Doug can barely believe he's hearing this. "See this is exactly what I'm sayin…"
"…I know, but you can't go though, because I can't go through that with Brendan again; it hurts too much!"
"Yeah, but I'm not your… your DECOY!"
"I'm so sorry." Ste cries. The tears are falling hard and fast and he shakes his head, and he's squeezing his own fingers so hard it looks like they could snap at any minute. It's like watching a child… so small and vulnerable all of a sudden. "I'm so so sorry, I am, I'm sorry."
He says it over and over… like a chant or a mantra.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"
"Ste, stop."
"…I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"
"STOP!"
Doug can't help it. He doesn't have it in him to watch Ste like this, and so he wraps his arms around him tightly and holds him. He can't help it; regardless of how angry he is. Ste rocks into him, allowing Doug to grip him tightly.
"Ste, I don't know why you're helping him when… you clearly need help yourself."
He doesn't say it to be cruel. Only honest.
With Ste he has always seen somebody swimming with charisma, good-nature, an inner-strength that Doug has always respected, and a simple naivety Doug has always admired.
But there's always THIS demon lying beneath all that beauty in Ste. This insecurity that verges so closely to self-loath, that it SCARES Doug. It scares him to see Ste like this, as it would anybody.
"C'mon." He speaks lowly, "C'mon Ste, I'm gonna take you home."
"You're comin' too though? You're not really leavin' me? You can't."
"Lets just get you home, okay?"
"I can't be with Brendan." Ste speaks. It's like he's in a trance almost; like he's not even hearing what Doug is saying, like he's not even feeling that Doug is moving him. "I can't do that again, don't let me do that again…"
"I'm not gonna let you do that again."
"You'll stay with me."
"No. I can't do that either, Ste." Doug croaks miserably, as he guides Ste into the open night air and towards the council estate. "I can't do that either, but I swear, I'm not gonna let you go back to him."
"No, don't let me go back to him."
"I won't."
"Don't let me do that, please."
Ste continues his aimless emotional pleads and spiels all the way home. Even when Doug passes him over to Amy and the two guide him over to the sofa, he's still babbling away like the traumatised product of a nightmare.
It's hard for Doug to leave him like this, and yet he knows he has to. He's allowed himself to become ravelled in the never-ending cycle of Ste and Brendan, and he's witnessed the very raw hell of it. It's too intense for him, and he knows it's a game he'll never win. He knows that Ste – for a good time to come – will never truly have rid Brendan from his system. And that has never been more clear than right now.
As he walks away from Ste's house though, he can't help but let Brendan's words haunt him…
"Douglas, I'm warning you right now… if you hurt Steven in ANY way, I will find you. Alright? And that's a promise."
He remembers now that Ste was perturbed – more so than he was pleased – about having Brendan's blessing. He can see now, in hindsight, that despite Ste's protests about hating Brendan's guts… he was GUTTED that Brendan didn't care more. It put him out. It maybe even scared him a little bit.
"Steven's a lad who needs to be treated right, you know what I'm sayin'?"
"Y… yeah, of course."
"I'm sayin' he's sensitive. He acts tough but he's not."
"Sure."
"I don't want him gettin' hurt, Douglas. If I wanted him gettin' hurt, I'd be with him myself – do you understand that?"
"Yeah."
Brendan pushes Doug further against the wall; their noses inches apart, and he breathes… "Do – not – screw – this – up."
Which is why, right now, as Doug walks away from his breakup with Ste… he feels dread and terror as well as sadness.