When Cartman returned to South Park after he disappeared to Nebraska for an entire summer, he was thin.
Well, he wasn't rail-thin like Kenny. He slimmed down to the point where his shoulders looked more broad and it compensated his thick stature. The moment he walked with purpose to his locker on the first day of class, he was turning heads or causing accidents out of sheer disbelief.
Poor Wendy almost broke her nose slamming face first into Stan's open locker when it happened.
Cartman was thin and Kyle didn't like that. It didn't feel right. It wasn't him.
And the asshole's little stunt rightfully stripped him of his favorite insult in the process. Fatass was a nickname, a calling card. It was a name that went hand-in-hand with Jew like how sickeningly adorable sweethearts would call each other if they were the couple from hell.
Calling him fatass would be stupid and unnecessary at this point. Kyle had seethed and complained for two whole weeks about it.
That wasn't even the half of Kyle's problem with Cartman's new look. The asshole had always had a good-looking face - it was just evened out by his enormous weight. But now that he was slimmer, those baby blue eyes and strong jawline only encouraged more attention.
Now Kyle had to stand here and watch girls prettier and way out of his league approach Cartman like he was a celebrity and giggle at his sly insults when they should be hating him. Instead of being obnoxious, people saw him as charming and funny.
Because he was slimmer and so hot, it was both arousing and infuriating. Shallow assholes.
Kyle forced himself to look away for the tenth time today. Seventh period had ended and everyone was crowding the corridor getting their stuff to head home. Cartman had been caught just out of his last classroom to entertain his latest new admirer the last couple of days. Sandra Anderson had beautiful red curls and lovely green eyes that glittered in Cartman's presence. She was a cheerleader and head of spirit squad and Cartman would be a fucking idiot to turn down someone as popular as her.
Had they all fucking forgot that he was an asshole? Was Kyle the only one who hadn't been enraptured by what was obviously a ruse?
He decided looking at his reflection in the mirror hanging in the back of his locker was a better use of his time than looking at them. All Cartman had to do was slim down. He's been handsome the entire time. Who was he kidding? Kyle had been the only one who saw it way before anyone else did.
Kyle, meanwhile, had untameable red curls that had to be forced into a baseball cap and a nose too big and too sharp to be conventionally attractive. And he had a weird shaped silhouette with a thick ass that just didn't fit his lanky body type.
Unlike Cartman, Kyle couldn't exercise his looks away. Cartman could ditch him and fulfill his dream of becoming Homecoming King with Sandra Yoo-hoo. He spent the last week anticipating it just so he didn't end up turning into some kind of lovesick emo like Stan became every time he broke up with Wendy.
Kyle had been the only one to give Cartman the time of day back when he was fat and stupid and lazy and… well, long story short, he said yes when Cartman asked for a date two summers ago. No one else was going to do it. No one wanted the fat turd.
Kyle did. He still did. They were going two years strong now. How it happened he still couldn't figure out but it did, and well - he actually liked dating Cartman. He still wanted to dammit.
This happened to Tilly Larson too. When she lost weight and cleared her acne, she ditched her dorky D&D boyfriend for a junior varsity basketball player. It was logical to trade up - to get the newest, sexiest model now that your options have widened. Kyle may have to come to grips with the fact that Cartman had been spending less time with him the last few weeks because he was trying to break their relationship off.
It pissed Kyle off. And it hurt. It really, really fucking hurt.
Kenny said he didn't give Cartman much credit - that he wouldn't be shallow enough to do it. Stan was on the fence about it, but then again he never really approved of their relationship to start with.
Kyle squeezed his locker handle hard. Sandra was Kyle 2.0. Sexier, sleeker, and everything Cartman would want in a new lover. Cartman looked at girls just as much as boys; it wouldn't be completely out of the park. He'd be stupid not to want her. Kyle needed to look at this like it was a cold, complex equation because the moment he took it personally, he knew he was going to lose it.
He would make a scene, scream, attack, attack -
Kyle slammed his locker closed and got rid of his sub-par complexion altogether. It was so loud, it caused students in the vicinity to jump in alarm. His internalized anger doubled in size thanks to his neuroticism. He had half a mind to grab the nearest person and beat the shit out of them.
Maybe Cartman wasn't the only one avoiding this. Kyle didn't want to approach Cartman, not when his fears were hanging over him like a toxic cloud. The moment they had privacy, this was going to be brought up. Cartman would want Sandra and hey, sorry brah, but maybe they should see other people.
Kyle's mouth twisted in anguish and he fought his damned hardest not to tear up at the idea. He didn't want to lose Cartman. What they had was weird, out-of-place, but so right. Cartman was the only person who had no problem dealing with the best and worst of him. Losing that part would be devastating. He could admit that.
He needed to admit that.
"Goddamn, Jew. Did someone piss in your cereal today?"
Cartman snatched the dark green baseball cap off of Kyle's crazy curls and spun it in his hands. Kyle instinctively snapped around to grab it back, but Cartman hung it over his head just barely out of his reach.
His teasing grin became fixed by the crushed look behind Kyle's cold green eyes. "Holy shit. The fuck's going on with you? Someone die?"
"There's nothing wrong with me," Kyle said flatly and tried to jump for his hat this time. "Can you not? Give it back, asshole!"
"Nah, brah," Cartman responded and fit the hat over his own fluffed up brown hair. He looked even better with the hat on. It just wasn't fucking fair. "You lose your hat privileges until you tell me who put sand in your vagina."
Kyle's curls were literally trying to eat its way upward the longer he went without his hat. With a scowl, he flattened his hair down to avoid the embarrassment of people seeing it. "You just want me to look fucking stupid, don't you?" he snarled. "What the fuck is your problem?"
Cartman snorted. "You've always looked fucking stupid, Kahl. The hat doesn't change shit."
Kyle couldn't help but shove Cartman so hard, his back hit the other side of the lockers. Cartman cried out in pain, but it wasn't enough for him. He roared in anger. "THEN BREAK UP WITH ME! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?"
Stunned by Kyle's outburst, Cartman couldn't help the way his eyes bugged out at the declaration. "Wha… the fuck? Why the fuck are we breaking up?!" he demanded, panic lacing through his words. If they didn't keep it down, they were going to attract attention. But that never mattered when they fought.
"You said it yourself!" Kyle snapped. "You think you're hot shit now because you've lost weight? You're still an asshole, Cartman! No matter how much you lose weight it won't fix that! And these fucktards need to know this! But if you want to fuck off with someone else, that's fine! I don't need you, Cartman! I don't!"
"Jesus fucking Christ…" Cartman muttered, his expression one of pure puzzlement until it hit him. He gave his irritated boyfriend a slight smile. "You sound jealous…"
Kyle blushed hotly. "I-I'm not!"
"Holy shit, you are!" Cartman proclaimed happily. Kyle flinched and tried to run off, but Cartman quickly pounced and pinned him against the lockers. "Oh Kahl…" he purred, squishing the Jew like a pancake. "My precious jelly baby…"
"Shut the fuck up!" Kyle hissed, but floundered the moment Cartman pressed a kiss against the bridge of his nose before being caught by the lips. He held firm and resolutely refused to kiss back. There was no way in hell Cartman was going to baby him like this. No fucking way.
Cartman just continued to hum pleasantly with each kiss. "Hmm… so jelly. Now I see…" he was using that stupid sing-song voice that Kyle loved and hated at the same time. "You think I'm gonna trade up like Tilly did, do you?" Kyle's determined silence answered it. "My poor insecure Jew…"
"Stop belittling me," Kyle grumbled, but he was unable to resist his boyfriend's soft lips and heavy weight for long. "If you're gonna break up with me, at least do it with some dignity. I think I deserve that much, don't you?"
There was something profound and almost unsettling from Cartman's stare. It was exasperation and almost pitied. Kyle averted that open gaze.
"You're such a stupid Jew…" Cartman trilled affectionately after a long moment. He stuck the cap back on his lover's head again and pat the top. His hand slid down and played with a stray curl over Kyle's ear. "And that's saying something since you're the one with the good grades."
"Come off it!" Kyle said irritably. "That's the whole point of you losing weight, right? To win Homecoming King and get that fifty dollar gift card to Casa Bonita."
Cartman's smile twisted into a sneer. "God fucking dammit. Let me guess… Butters?"
"Bebe," he replied in cold triumph. "And that's why you've been pandering to Sandra's ass, haven't you? Word can spread when you date her and you'll get your votes. So I know you're going to break up with me for fucking Casa Bonita! God, you haven't fucking changed!"
"You think I'm gonna leave you for fucking Bimbo McGee?!" Cartman exclaimed. "For a Casa Bonita card? Well okay..." he snorted at Kyle's flat stare. "I'd do a LOT of things for Casa Bonita… but give me some credit here! I don't need any bitch to win King. Here me out, babe. I'll split the card with you if you're THAT jelly. I'll do that because I'm such a nice guy. You and me, Kahl. What do you say? Like old time's sake!"
"God, I'm not worried about the fucking card!" Kyle's fingers twisted hard around Cartman's coat. "I'm worried about you leaving me! Real or fake!"
"Wow…" Cartman breathed in wonder. "You really are jealous. It's kind of cool."
"What's so cool about jealousy? It fucking sucks!"
"Damn right it does!" Cartman sneered. "How does it feel to put on the other shoe, Kyle? I've been fucking dealing with it for six years!" He gestured between them. "But this? It feels so fucking good. I'm wanted, Kyle! For the first time in my life, people want me!"
"They never wanted you before when you were fat, Cartman! It's NOT the same thing!" Kyle snapped. "The moment you get fat again, they'll ignore you! Sandra too!"
"Yeah, no shit Sherlock," Cartman snorted. "That's why I should stay with your Jew ass, right?"
"If you were smart you would! I've always wanted you, Cartman. I'll always want..." Kyle blurted out and, after a beat, widened his eyes in horror by what he just admitted. Before he could correct himself, Cartman's expression softened and he was swooped in for a deep, heart skipping kiss.
"Mmm… tastes like… oh my. Is it... love?" Cartman teased when he pulled away a fraction and stroked Kyle's cheek with his thumbs. "Kahl loooooves meeeeee~"
"Ugh…" Kyle grimaced. "Don't do that."
"Kahl wouldn't care if I weighed five hundred pooooounds~" he sang happily. "Cuz he loves meeee…"
Kyle shoved a hand up Cartman's face and pushed it back. "Of course I'd care, asshole! The last thing I need is to rent a forklift for your tubby ass all day." He squeaked and pulled his hand away when Cartman's tongue flickered against it. "Gross dude!"
"God, you're so Jewish it almost hurts," Cartman huffed pleasantly before licking his lips. "Well now I can't break up with you, Kahl. Not when you love me so much! That would be a really douchey move."
"I'm not… gahhh," Kyle growled and wiped the saliva from his jacket. "That's it. I'm breaking up with you."
"Yeah fucking right." It was the first time he's ever seen Cartman look so fucking stoked. Kyle couldn't help but let him nuzzle into his neck and hold him like he was some kind of damsel in a shitty high school romance movie.
But just like that, his anger and jealousy dissipated the longer he was bombarded by the force of Cartman's smile. He was just so… genuinely happy. Maybe, just maybe, Kenny had a point. Kyle may not have been giving Cartman the credit he deserved. He had been so sure Cartman would leave him, would have gone the way Tilly did, and Kyle would have been the one to sob on Kevin's shoulder instead of the other way around.
In his own self-defeat, Kyle let his lips slide against Cartman's as naturally as breathing this time. His cheeks colored a bit from his stupidity. Cartman wasn't shallow enough to leave him, but it still took some getting used to. Trust was something that was built slowly over time.
They had the time. Kyle would make sure they had it. His palms instinctively slid down Cartman's sides when they pulled each other close and he sighed despondently into his boyfriend's mouth when he squeezed at his love handles… well, what was left of them at least.
He kind of missed the extra padding.
"Problem?" Cartman smirked against his lips.
Kyle fixed him a look and squeezed again for emphasis. Yes, Cartman was healthier. Yes, this was a better lifestyle choice. But goddamn…
"Do you want to go to Shakey's afterward? It's All-You-Can-Eat Tuesdays…" Kyle raised an eyebrow and grinned when those blue eyes lit up with delight. He might as well have asked Cartman to marry him. "I'm buying."
"A Jew actually footing the bill?" Cartman teased. "You must really love me."
"Enough with the Jew jokes, smartass," Kyle deadpanned and squeezed a third time before giving up to flex his fingers against Cartman's firm back. Maybe if he can get Cartman to eat a bit more… just a little bit of weight - the admirers would finally stop and Kyle can finally assert claim over his own boyfriend.
Cartman didn't need to know this, of course. He wasn't the only one capable of scheming his way into getting what he wanted.