Do I really have to put a disclaimer here? Will I get sued if I don't? Ok ok, I am an unoriginal plagiarist and Tolkien is God. Whee.
In the Shire
It was an ordinary day in the Shire. Birds sang, flowers flowered, an evil Ring of doom floated around Bag End where our hero, Frodo Baggins, was deep in conversation with Gandalf the Grey, voted Least Evil Wizard in Middle-earth™ for three hundred years running.
"Frodo, my lad, not to frighten you or anything, but you know that ring Bilbo gave you? Funny thing is, it's the One Ring of Sauron, and he's trying to get it back so he can take over the world. Yes, yes, I knew you'd find it funny too. So dreadfully sorry to tell you this, but you've got to go take it to the Cracks of Doom in Mordor and destroy it."
"Rodrom, rodrom!" cried Sam, Merry, and Pippin a la The Shining. But Frodo looked sceptical.
"Gandalf, I can't just destroy the Ring. Haven't you ever heard of the Law of Conservation of Matter?"
"No, what's that?" said Gandalf wisely and sagely.
"This guy Isaac Newton, a Ring fell on his head and it all sorted itself out from there. It says matter cannot be created or destroyed." (Our charming innocent young hobbit was not exactly as scholarly as one might have hoped.)
"I see," mused Gandalf thoughtfully. "Nevertheless, get the Ring to Rivendell. I have to go tell important secrets to Saruman, that creepy guy with the pointy nails who's always dissing on hobbits," he announced.
"We're coming with Frodo!" cried Sam, Merry, and Pippin.
"Yay! I'm so glad for the platonic, brotherly, asexual support of Sam, Merry, and Pippin!" exclaimed Frodo delightedly as Sam pinched his derriere.
In Rivendell
"Boy, have we got a story to tell you!" said Frodo to Bilbo inside the House of Elrond.
"Yeah, we got into this fight with these Nazgul. Frodo just stood there looking wide-eyed and scared, so he got stabbed by a Morgul blade. Then Strider came in and chased them all off!" chimed in Sam.
"Strider's this guy Sam picked up in a bar on Karaoke Night," explained Pippin. (A/N: Come on you guys, The Prancing Pony? I KNOW I'm not the only one who read that and thought "That is not a straight man's inn." But whatever floats Sam's boat.) "We were waiting there for Gandalf."
"But he never showed, and Strider said, 'Gandalf sent me to guide you hobbits to Rivendell.' I thought it was a pretty lame pickup line but it seemed to work," finished Merry.
Meanwhile...
"We have a slight problem, Elrond," confided Gandalf.
"Oh no! Saruman turned evil?" guessed Elrond. Gandalf blinked.
"All right, make that TWO slight problems." Gandalf then explained about the Law of Conservation of Matter. Elrond listened intently. When Gandalf was done:
"Shit," said Elrond helpfully.
"Let's have a Council," suggested Gandalf.
At the Council
"Whatever shall we do?" said Strider, who was now known as Aragorn, despairingly.
"Let's give it to Tom Bombadil," suggested someone. Gandalf laughed.
"Nice try," he said. "I've seen the movie. There's no such person as Tom Bombadil." Everyone rolled their eyes.
"Ok, then, let's send it over the Sea where Sauron can't get to it," said someone else.
"No, we can't do that," replied Elrond. "It's Middle-earth's problem, Middle-earth must deal wiht it."
"What a cop-out, Elrond," snapped Legolas the Elf.
"Quiet tree-boy," responded Elrond irritably. "No, the only thing to do is send the Ringbearer on an impossibly dangerous mission to throw the Ring into the fires of Mordor, a task which will probably lead to his death and the end of the world. Let's face it, he looks a little scrawny to me and I don't really think he's up to it, but whatever."
At this point Frodo spoke up. "I have a better idea," he said.
10 minutes later
"Explain to me again how dressing Legolas up in a ballerina outfit is going to help us destroy the Ring?" demanded Elrond. Gimli the Dwarf threw a sideways glance at the pink-clad Elf and snickered. Legolas politely flipped him off.
"Ring?" said Frodo distractedly. "Oh, right! The Ring! Well, I say we put it in a spaceship and send it into a black hole."
"Interesting," said Gandalf. "Of course, the journey to NASA will be impossibly dangerous. You will be beset with perils from all directions, and you will probably not make it there alive. Yet the fate of the world rests on your shoulders, Ringbearer. We will send a Fellowship to accompany you. Aragorn of Many Aliases, Boromir the Prat, Gimli son of Gloin, Legolas the Very Attractive Elf, myself, and Sam, Merry, and Pippin of the Shire."
"Now get out of here you crazy kids," added Elrond.
It so happened that NASA was located a mere 3 miles' journey from Rivendell. So the Fellowship packed accordingly.
"Boromir, why the hell are you taking sunscreen?" inquired Aragorn.
"You never know when you might need it, man," replied Boromir.
Altogethere the Nine Companions had 21 suitcases plus Sam's purse (home of such necessary items as an empty box of Tic-Tacs and a nonfunctional cell phone.) They knew it was going to be a long hour and a half ahead of them.
Pippin packed rations for 3 months.
Merry packed pipeweed. 35 pounds worth. And a pipe.
Sam packed peppermints. Just in case that special moment came, it wouldn't find Samwise Gamgee unprepared, no sirree.
Gimli packed a first-aid kit. Because you never know when you're going to be attacked by Orcs, or Uruk-hai, or more Orcs, for that matter. "When I was a Boy Scout," he growled, "we had a motto."
Legolas did not pack any hair care items whatsoever. I bet you didn't see that coming.
Aragorn packed The Sword That Was Broken and a roll of duct tape.
Boromir packed Cucumber Melon Body Lotion.
Gandalf packed Balrog repellant.
And Frodo, our hero, packed Pop-Tarts. Just because.
The Fellowship had reached the end of Elrond's driveway when the first perilous peril beset them.
"Ai, ai!" wailed Legolas. "A fangirl! A fangirl is come!"
He shot an arrow at ther, and to his dismay, the arrow went right through her.
"It's just a hologram," said Gandalf in relief.
"... the hell?" said Tolkien.
"Well, we have finally reached the Mines of Moria," said Gimli, looking pleased. Frodo nudged him.
"Dude, that's not the Mines, that's NASA. We're here," he whispered.
"Oh. Cool," answered Gimli after a moment's reflection.
So Frodo went past the one inept guard, put the Ring in a space shuttle, and set the controls for A Black Hole. Whoosh went the rocket. Frodo turned around.
"Where's Boromir?" he asked.
"He died," said Aragorn.
Frodo shrugged his shoulders. "That's too bad," he said, but he had destroyed the Ring so everyone was pretty satisfied on the whole.
When the Fellowship arrived in Rivendell later that same day, they found it in chaos.
"It's Sharkey," sobbed Glorfindel. "He's... he's taunting the ducks in Elrond's pond!"
"Oh for crying out loud," sighed Frodo, turning around to see Saruman perched by the pond waving bird feed over his head where the ducks couldn't reach it.
"Glorfin-who?" said Gandalf puzzledly.
Merry and Pippin exchanged Looks. "Should we do it?" asked Merry.
"Yes, I think we should," answered Pippin gravely.
So they both ran up and pushed Saruman headfirst into the pond.
The End
In the Shire
It was an ordinary day in the Shire. Birds sang, flowers flowered, an evil Ring of doom floated around Bag End where our hero, Frodo Baggins, was deep in conversation with Gandalf the Grey, voted Least Evil Wizard in Middle-earth™ for three hundred years running.
"Frodo, my lad, not to frighten you or anything, but you know that ring Bilbo gave you? Funny thing is, it's the One Ring of Sauron, and he's trying to get it back so he can take over the world. Yes, yes, I knew you'd find it funny too. So dreadfully sorry to tell you this, but you've got to go take it to the Cracks of Doom in Mordor and destroy it."
"Rodrom, rodrom!" cried Sam, Merry, and Pippin a la The Shining. But Frodo looked sceptical.
"Gandalf, I can't just destroy the Ring. Haven't you ever heard of the Law of Conservation of Matter?"
"No, what's that?" said Gandalf wisely and sagely.
"This guy Isaac Newton, a Ring fell on his head and it all sorted itself out from there. It says matter cannot be created or destroyed." (Our charming innocent young hobbit was not exactly as scholarly as one might have hoped.)
"I see," mused Gandalf thoughtfully. "Nevertheless, get the Ring to Rivendell. I have to go tell important secrets to Saruman, that creepy guy with the pointy nails who's always dissing on hobbits," he announced.
"We're coming with Frodo!" cried Sam, Merry, and Pippin.
"Yay! I'm so glad for the platonic, brotherly, asexual support of Sam, Merry, and Pippin!" exclaimed Frodo delightedly as Sam pinched his derriere.
In Rivendell
"Boy, have we got a story to tell you!" said Frodo to Bilbo inside the House of Elrond.
"Yeah, we got into this fight with these Nazgul. Frodo just stood there looking wide-eyed and scared, so he got stabbed by a Morgul blade. Then Strider came in and chased them all off!" chimed in Sam.
"Strider's this guy Sam picked up in a bar on Karaoke Night," explained Pippin. (A/N: Come on you guys, The Prancing Pony? I KNOW I'm not the only one who read that and thought "That is not a straight man's inn." But whatever floats Sam's boat.) "We were waiting there for Gandalf."
"But he never showed, and Strider said, 'Gandalf sent me to guide you hobbits to Rivendell.' I thought it was a pretty lame pickup line but it seemed to work," finished Merry.
Meanwhile...
"We have a slight problem, Elrond," confided Gandalf.
"Oh no! Saruman turned evil?" guessed Elrond. Gandalf blinked.
"All right, make that TWO slight problems." Gandalf then explained about the Law of Conservation of Matter. Elrond listened intently. When Gandalf was done:
"Shit," said Elrond helpfully.
"Let's have a Council," suggested Gandalf.
At the Council
"Whatever shall we do?" said Strider, who was now known as Aragorn, despairingly.
"Let's give it to Tom Bombadil," suggested someone. Gandalf laughed.
"Nice try," he said. "I've seen the movie. There's no such person as Tom Bombadil." Everyone rolled their eyes.
"Ok, then, let's send it over the Sea where Sauron can't get to it," said someone else.
"No, we can't do that," replied Elrond. "It's Middle-earth's problem, Middle-earth must deal wiht it."
"What a cop-out, Elrond," snapped Legolas the Elf.
"Quiet tree-boy," responded Elrond irritably. "No, the only thing to do is send the Ringbearer on an impossibly dangerous mission to throw the Ring into the fires of Mordor, a task which will probably lead to his death and the end of the world. Let's face it, he looks a little scrawny to me and I don't really think he's up to it, but whatever."
At this point Frodo spoke up. "I have a better idea," he said.
10 minutes later
"Explain to me again how dressing Legolas up in a ballerina outfit is going to help us destroy the Ring?" demanded Elrond. Gimli the Dwarf threw a sideways glance at the pink-clad Elf and snickered. Legolas politely flipped him off.
"Ring?" said Frodo distractedly. "Oh, right! The Ring! Well, I say we put it in a spaceship and send it into a black hole."
"Interesting," said Gandalf. "Of course, the journey to NASA will be impossibly dangerous. You will be beset with perils from all directions, and you will probably not make it there alive. Yet the fate of the world rests on your shoulders, Ringbearer. We will send a Fellowship to accompany you. Aragorn of Many Aliases, Boromir the Prat, Gimli son of Gloin, Legolas the Very Attractive Elf, myself, and Sam, Merry, and Pippin of the Shire."
"Now get out of here you crazy kids," added Elrond.
It so happened that NASA was located a mere 3 miles' journey from Rivendell. So the Fellowship packed accordingly.
"Boromir, why the hell are you taking sunscreen?" inquired Aragorn.
"You never know when you might need it, man," replied Boromir.
Altogethere the Nine Companions had 21 suitcases plus Sam's purse (home of such necessary items as an empty box of Tic-Tacs and a nonfunctional cell phone.) They knew it was going to be a long hour and a half ahead of them.
Pippin packed rations for 3 months.
Merry packed pipeweed. 35 pounds worth. And a pipe.
Sam packed peppermints. Just in case that special moment came, it wouldn't find Samwise Gamgee unprepared, no sirree.
Gimli packed a first-aid kit. Because you never know when you're going to be attacked by Orcs, or Uruk-hai, or more Orcs, for that matter. "When I was a Boy Scout," he growled, "we had a motto."
Legolas did not pack any hair care items whatsoever. I bet you didn't see that coming.
Aragorn packed The Sword That Was Broken and a roll of duct tape.
Boromir packed Cucumber Melon Body Lotion.
Gandalf packed Balrog repellant.
And Frodo, our hero, packed Pop-Tarts. Just because.
The Fellowship had reached the end of Elrond's driveway when the first perilous peril beset them.
"Ai, ai!" wailed Legolas. "A fangirl! A fangirl is come!"
He shot an arrow at ther, and to his dismay, the arrow went right through her.
"It's just a hologram," said Gandalf in relief.
"... the hell?" said Tolkien.
"Well, we have finally reached the Mines of Moria," said Gimli, looking pleased. Frodo nudged him.
"Dude, that's not the Mines, that's NASA. We're here," he whispered.
"Oh. Cool," answered Gimli after a moment's reflection.
So Frodo went past the one inept guard, put the Ring in a space shuttle, and set the controls for A Black Hole. Whoosh went the rocket. Frodo turned around.
"Where's Boromir?" he asked.
"He died," said Aragorn.
Frodo shrugged his shoulders. "That's too bad," he said, but he had destroyed the Ring so everyone was pretty satisfied on the whole.
When the Fellowship arrived in Rivendell later that same day, they found it in chaos.
"It's Sharkey," sobbed Glorfindel. "He's... he's taunting the ducks in Elrond's pond!"
"Oh for crying out loud," sighed Frodo, turning around to see Saruman perched by the pond waving bird feed over his head where the ducks couldn't reach it.
"Glorfin-who?" said Gandalf puzzledly.
Merry and Pippin exchanged Looks. "Should we do it?" asked Merry.
"Yes, I think we should," answered Pippin gravely.
So they both ran up and pushed Saruman headfirst into the pond.
The End