Idiots Guide for Survival (Vampires)
(A/N): I did this because I was bored and I have nothing to do and because one of my friends post interest me. So…yea… what are you waiting for? Go and READ IT!
*References were used at the making of this guide*
Summary: Follow Zena and Nina while they (cause mayhem and trouble to) make the lives of the Moon dorm residents interesting by (not) following this guide.
Step by step guide for a better survival:
1. Wherever you go always bring a very, very big Cross.
Zena: Hey Nina look! I got this Cross for just 1 buck! How awesome is that?
Nina: … How did you even carry such a thing in here!
2. If a vampire walk past you, don't waste your time waving a cross at him, just hit the vampire with said Cross.
*Kaname walks by*
Zena: Die evil vampire! Let the power of Christ compel you! *waving the Cross*
Kaname:…Zena… what are you doing?
Nina: Let ME do it. Take this evil vampire! *Hits him on the head*
Kaname: *blank stare* *The Cross broke*
Zena & Nina: ….(OMG!)
3. If the vampire is Jewish, said Cross might not work.
Jewish vampire: *blank stare*
Zena & Nina: …RUUN!
4. Don't get romantically involved with strange, mysterious and beautiful women. Ugly women are much safer.
Zena & Nina: Whaat?
5. Always have stunningly attractive human women in your group. Chances are the vampire will go for her first, while you make your get away. If there's none, make your best friend trip in front of the vampire then run.
Zena: Hey Nina, your shoes untied.
Nina: What? *Looks down*
Zena: *Pushed her to the hungry vampire then runs away*
Nina: Traitor! And i'm wearing slippers!
6. Look out for strange pale man who lives alone in an abandoned castle on a hilltop with lightning flashing at the background. He probably doesn't have candy in there, so don't even think about it.
Zena & Nina : Trick or Treat!
Rido: …
Nina: Err… Happy Halloween?
Rido: It's in the middle of July for God damn sake!
7. When you get bitten by a vampire, it does not mean you get to wear gothic clothes all year-round. Neither does it mean that people will be strangely attracted to you. Neither will you be automatically related to the Cullen's.
Zena: aww…
8. Using a coffin as a Christmas present for vampires, doesn't go well. Either the vampire use it to throw it at your face or make you to be the one using it.
Nina: Sheesh, he doesn't have to be all mad about it, I mean I just let him try the coffin then locked it up and throw it outside the window into a pond, no big deal… *door slammed open*
Aido: *dripping wet*
Nina: Oh… Aido, so how's the coffin?
Aido: *stressed mark appears* Why don't YOU tell me Nina… *opens the coffin*
Nina: Uh-oh...
9. Don't watch Dracula in front of them, because they will start to act all smart about it.
Aido: This show is LAME, let's watch something else
Nina: NO! This is getting to the good part!
Kain: The girl is was so scared of the vampire that she back up against the far end of the room where there's an open window, she knocked against the edge of the window and falls through it and dies.
Zena: Damn it! Don't spoil the movie!
10. Watching Twilight in front of them is just plain insulting(no offence to Twilight fans though), and using Twilights vampire theories just gets you into more angry vampires going after you.
Zena: Hey vampires! Can you go under the sun? I want to see you sparkle!
Vampires: …
Nina: Come 'on~ I want to see sparkles!
Kaname: … You two watched Twilight while overdosing yourselves with sugar… again…
Zena: What makes you say that? Oh! I see flying monkeys over there! Nina let's go catch them then sell them for 1million bucks and use the money to buy more flying monkeys!
Nina: YAY! I LIKE UNICORNS!
Vampires: …
11. When you're angry, don't shout "I'LL BITE YOU!" they think it's very amusing when a human says that. Even though I don't know what's going to happen after that, just DON'T do it.
12. Don't walk outside alone when it's dark. They may jump out and attack you.
*silent night~ Kain walks around casually*
Nina: *jumps out of nearby bush* SUPER NINJA JUMP ATTACK!
Kain: AAH! What the heck was that for?
Nina: You can't jump and attack me if I jump and attack you FIRST!
Kain: … Why the hell would I want to do that!
13. Reenacting SAW III and using the vampires as the victims will cause devastating consequences.
Vampires: Hey… why is it so dark in here? Someone turn on the lights
*light flashed at the spot where Kaname was chained up to a table with a chainsaw at his side*
Vampires: KANAME-SAMA! Who did this to you! *they rushed to Kaname to realize there's a transparent divider*
Deep Voice: Mwahahahahahaha! Nice try vampires, if you want to save your precious Kaname, do as I say"
Aido: Who the heck is that?
Deep Voice: You don't need to know who I am, Aido, you would do anything for Kaname right? Now go to the table next to you, you will see a box with a hole full of sharp blades, put your hand inside the box and search for a piece of paper with codes written on it, use the code and dial it on the phone located at the other end of the mat of needles… You should hurry up, or your precious Kaname will be sliced into half by that automated chainsaw!
Aido: Are you crazy? How could dialing a code on a phone help Kaname from being sliced?
*microphone accidently turned off*
Zena: It doesn't I just want to order pizza for lunch- opps…
Aido: ….. ZENA!
14. Making a deal with a vampire is strictly NOT encouraged. I can assure you all they want at the end of the deal is your blood. Pretty lame if you ask me…
15. When encountering a vampire, running is futile, grab a big plastic bag and cover the vampires head violently then kick him in the ass into a nearby pile of garbage cans. Then clap your hands together while wiping off the dust like in those cops movies. It will work perfectly, if not, you had a very nice life.
16. Don't comment on a vampire's look, they are kind of touchy on that subject.
Zena: Oh hey Ruka, I just want to ask- wow… talk about bad hair day…
Ruka: What did you say?
Zena: I'm saying you look ugly today
Ruka: How dare you! A mere human calling ME the said beauty queen in the entire moon dorm UGLY! How shameless!
Zena: Your right, the word ugly is shameless, what about I call you fugly instead?
17. Never wake up sleeping vampires; they are cranky in the morning, which will end up shouting at each other.
Nina: *creeps into a room carrying speakers and placing it around the bed*
Aido: *Zzzzzzz*
Nina: *singing softly* round round the mulberry bush, the monkey caught the weasel, the weasel snaps, the monkey freaked out, *plugs in a microphone*
Aido: *still sleeping*
Nina: *breaths in* POP GOES THE WEASEL!
Aido: HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE HELL!
Nina: MORNING AIDO! YOU SHOULDN'T SLEEP THROUGH THE DAY ITS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH!
Aido:…. NINA! VAMPIRES WAKE UP AT NIGHT! AND WHY ARE WE SHOUTING TO EACH OTHER!
Nina: I DON'T KNOW! BUT THIS IS FUNN!
Kaname: *slams the door open* SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!
18. When running and hiding from a pack of vampires, NEVER say "I think we lost them", nothing good comes out of it, this works for zombies too.
Nina: I'm so tired… and I think we lost them…
Zena: Yea… wait! Their over there! And they have more people together holding bags! I think its candy inside!
Nina: ZENA! Don't-
Zena: HEEYY! We're over here! *waves arms* Do you have candy in there? *rush over to the vampires*
Nina: *emotional* ZZEENNAA! NOOOO! WHY! WHY HER? SHE STILL OWES ME FIVE BUCKS! *tears*
19. Don't taunt them by saying Werewolves are better than Vampires in front of their faces, things could get messy…
Zena: Werewolves are WAY better than vampires~~
Nina: No shit Sherlock.
Vampires: …. (why do we even bother….)
… or not.
20. Confusion is the best way to get away with almost anything.
Nina: Yo! Kaname! Wats'up?
Kaname: …Ceiling…Anyway… I've heard that you have caused the entire moon dormitory members a lot of …trouble.
Nina: What are you talking about?
Kaname: You set the moon dorm on fire, covered the entire living room of the moon dorm with bubblegum and sabotaged Aido to look like a chicken.
Nina: Oh! That~ Ah! good times, good times.
Kaname: ….. Right… *ahem* Well, the chairman instructed me to give you your punishment for all the trouble you've caused.
Nina: Punishment? ...You're gonna rape me?
Kaname: … I did not say that…
Nina: Yes you did.
Kaname: No I didn't.
Nina: Yes
Kaname: No
Nina: Yes.
Kaname: No.
Nina: What?
Kaname: ... I don't know anymore… *confused*
Nina: ok… well, I'll go now... Peace! *walks out*
Kaname: ….What the heck just happen….?
Nina: *outside* That was way too easy... Now... what should I make Aido do for me next...
Well… that's about it I guess, I intended to write more but I couldn't think of anymore idea's to put in. So …yea …I'll put it as a one shot until I could come out with more ideas or receive any idea's from others.
Good? Funny? Stupid? Lame? Review!