He had lost his Bones.
It had been months since the day that had taken Bones from him. The reckless firefight he had lead them into with an enemy they never had a chance of matching. It had been a dangerous gamble that had not paid off. Jim had wagered a lot and lost the one thing that had been most important to him. He had spent that night wishing for death to come and claim him as well.
This world was full of life and death situations, Bones knew that even before he came aboard, and he made sure everyone else knew it too. It never would have stopped him though he went where Jim went. The two were not capable of fully functioning without each other. Their love had been like a fever that had burnt all logic and reason from their minds leaving only the two of them together. It was meant to be that way, they had known it in their bones.
Jim had eventually come to terms with the loss, but would never truly get over it. The crew could tell something was different. He was calm, calculating, gone was the wild youth from their academy days. No longer would he leap without looking, he knew better. He still took risks, but they were much more thought out and every wound he survived, every scar he kept was a tribute to the man he lost. He would keep going where Bones could not.
And when Jim would close his eyes at night he would see the blood, the gore that Bones had left. It wouldn't scare him, it would thrill him. He would revel in the knowledge that Bones was still there with him. He was branded on his soul, ice cold like frostbite, never truly leaving his side. He could feel him there, deep in his heart, speaking to him, guiding him. His whispering ghost speaking to him in the dark hours when he was alone in their quarters, telling him he was on the right path.
In the morning Jim would awake with a sense of purpose he had never had before. He would make his way to the bridge, a with the confidence of knowing he was where he was meant to be.
He was James TIberius Kirk, captain of the I.S.S. Enterprise, and no one was taking that away from him without a fight.