Stars
watch?v=V22Dt8gnz8g – Jack's return
"I lit a fire with the love you left behind
And it burned wild and crept up the mountainside
I followed your ashes into outer space
I can't look out the window I can't look at this place
I can't look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all I know you've gone too far
So I, I can't look at the stars" – Stars by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
Ianto walked into the Torchwood base alone. He took a deep breath as the pain seemed to reach out and grasp him yet again. He hated going into the base alone now. When he was with the others he didn't notice it as much, but alone all he felt was his own pain. It was as if the room was empty, despite all the tech junk, piles of paperwork, and empty coffee mugs. Without Jack's presence his life seemed hallow. He took another deep breath, trying to erase the pain from his body, and then went about his business. More paperwork to file, more cleaning to do. He tried so hard to focus on the task at hand. He had to go into Jack's office to grab some forms. He tried to see the file folders, but all he saw was jack sitting on the desk.
"Ianto, come here."
"I've work to do sir." Jack scoffed.
"Still callin' me sir. You're always so formal."
"Yes sir." Ianto smiled as Jack pulled him into his arms.
"We haven't ever had a real date, you know that?" Ianto nodded stiffly, highly aware of the fact. He breathed in Jack's scent, a unique thing that was all his own. It was warm and comforting. "I think it's all this work that you like so much. How about this weekend, no more work okay? Cardiff could be exploding, I don't care. This weekend I'm taking you to a nice restaurant and we're going to eat and have wine and awkward first date conversations and then we can go back to my place and. . . ."
"That sounds lovely Jack." Ianto breathed. And he meant it. Nothing sounded better. It was his dream, it was everything he wanted. Just to be alone with Jack, with no other aliens, no guns, no distress calls at 2am. Just him and Jack. Jack leaned up and kissed Ianto softly.
"Don't bail on me Yan."
"I wouldn't dare."
"Promise?"
"Of course."
They never had gotten that date before that odd whirling sound and then Jack was gone. Ianto was consumed again by the pain left behind. He had to get some air. He couldn't be in this place another second. He staggered to the lift and allowed it to carry him outside, then bent over in the street, taking deep breaths, trying not to sob uncontrollably. He looked up at the stars and another wave of pain washed over him. He was somewhere out there right now, without him. Jack had chosen the doctor over him. He cried now, grateful for the perception filter that shielded him from the few people walking around the square at this time of night. He hated the stars that he used to love so much. They had stolen his Jack from him. A buzzing in his pocket pulled him out of his misery temporarily. He answered his phone, trying hard to keep the pain from his voice.
"Gwen. What's up?" Gwen ranted on the phone about this and that, the rift monitor was showing some activity, everyone would be right in, blowfish driving a sports car, the usual. He went back inside and into the bathroom, splashing some water on his face and trying to make it look like he wasn't just sobbing. The others knew what was going on, but that didn't mean he didn't try to hide it. They all knew he was torn up about Jack's departure more so than the rest of them, and in their own ways they had all tried to help him. Owen had invited him out for a night of drinking which had ended up with several bar fights and plenty of black eyes to go around. Tosh had tried to rig up his cell phone so it could make long distance calls (as in to space) but it had ended up with an explosion and an even more devastated Ianto. And Gwen . . . well Gwen had tried to talk to him about it. That had only resulted in Ianto rushing out of the room in order to avoid thrashing Gwen to death. After that they had all left him alone apart from the pitiful glances he sometimes caught cast his way.
Twenty minutes later they were in the van, all bickering about the odd blowfish, Owen doing his best to kill them on the way there with his reckless driving. The words "jack would've known what to do" were brought up. Silence. And then Owen's harsh "yeah well jack's not here." Cut through the air like a knife. Ianto tried to focus on something else. He tried to steady his mind for the task at hand. Seconds later they were running into a house, gunshots had been fired. The fish was holding a hostage in front of him, a gun to her head, taunting them. He somehow knew all about each of them. He somehow knew about the member they were missing.
"Is your aim good enough?" he hissed at Ianto, whose gun was pointed directly at the fish's brains. "Can you shoot before I do?" Ianto steadied himself, pulling himself out of all the emotion evoked at the words of the lunatic blowfish. He needed to be emotionless right now. He needed to concentrate. If he missed, he would kill an innocent girl. He steadied his hands, drew a breath in, and lightly applied pressure on the trigger . . . BANG! A shot rang out. Ianto looked at his own gun, having not fired. And then he spun around, trying to figure out where the shot that had effectively blown the blowfish to bits but skipped around the girl had come from.
"I'm back kids! Did you miss me?" Jack's cocky grin and arrogant bravado instantly filled everything. It filled the room, it filled Ianto's lungs, and it filled his heart. And he had never been so torn in his life. Half of him wanted to punch Jack as hard as he possibly could, the other half wanted to fling himself into Jack's arms and kiss the crap out of him.
Instead he opted for silence. He would wait until they were alone to do this. If there was even a "this". Were they even a possibility anymore, or had Jack leaving ended that? Had it been Jack trying to tell Ianto that they were over before they had even begun? Ianto wrapped himself up in this new cocoon of emotion, relieved by one thought and one thought alone. No matter what happened after this, Jack was back.
They had ended up fixing it. Jack had announced in front of the entire team that he had come back for Ianto, looking into Ianto's eyes with a searing passion. Ianto felt as though his heart were too big in his chest and about to explode. He felt as if gravity was losing its effect on him and him alone, and he would soon float up to the heavens. Outwardly he straightened his tie and tried to be mad at Jack. Yes, you came back, his eyes said, but that doesn't change the fact that you left. Hours later while trifling through an office Jack had asked him out again.
"Like . . . on a date?" Ianto asked, awestruck by this man's gull.
"Yeah. On a date . . . unless . . . you don't want to?"
"I'd love to." Ianto word vomited. What he had meant to say was YOU LEFT ME FOR HOW LONG, AND NOW YOU POUNCE BACK IN HERE AND EXPECT A DATE!? But his heart had done the talking for him. Later on, after the dinner and a movie, Ianto lay with his head on Jack's chest, and Jack's arms wrapped around him. It was as if time stood still. Jack was being delicate, taking long lingering kisses, holding him tightly as if he were afraid Ianto would blow away on the next wind. It was odd, Ianto should be the one who was terrified of Jack leaving, but it almost seemed the other way around.
"Jack . . . I missed you more than words can describe."
"I missed you too Yan." Jack pressed a kiss into Ianto's hair.
"Why did you do it? Why did you leave us? Leave me?" Jack took a deep breath.
"I needed answers, and I thought The Doctor would have those answers. It turns out he was just as clueless as I was. I ended up far away for a long time, even longer than it seemed to you, and I thought about you every second."
"What do you mean longer than it seemed to me?"
"I was gone for a year, Ianto." Ianto let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding and looked up at Jack, not doubting for a second every word the captain said.
"How?"
"Don't worry about how."
"What were you doing?" Jack seemed to flinch, and it was as if Ianto could feel the answer. "Someone hurt you didn't they?" Ianto breathed, his heart seeming to break all over again. He ran his fingertips along Jack's jawbone.
"I'm okay."
"Jack. . ."
"You kept me sane. Every time they hurt me, or killed me, I thought of you. I closed my eyes and saw yours. I floated in and out of death so many times, but all I saw was you." Ianto felt a lump rising in his throat.
"And here I thought. . ."
"That I had chosen the stars over you?"
"Exactly. How could you not? They are so infinite, just like you, and I'm only a little coffee making Welshman in a suit."
"The stars have nothing on you Ianto Jones. If I had to choose I would always choose you, until the end of time I would choose you." Ianto could feel that he meant every word he said, and it was as if his heart now liquefied in his chest. He kissed Jack, trying to transfer some of his emotions through the kiss.
"I love you Jack."
"I love you too Ianto." And they fell asleep together, beneath the stars that were no longer enemies, but old friends.