Fus Ro Dad

By Austin Liska

The Dragonborn was finally returning to Whiterun after another adventure into a draugr infested crypt with his Housecarl Lydia and could not wait to lie down in his bed and rest for an hour or so before running around town selling useless crap he had found in the crypt and moving on to the next one. He walked into Breezehome expecting to see his daughter Lucia run up to him asking for an allowance or a taffy or some such trivial item, which he kept around for such occasions. However when he actually went in he saw his wife Senna and good friends Amren and Saffir sitting with Senna, Lucia and Amren's own daughter Braith around the firepit that somehow never goes out.

"Um… hi Amren, Saffir, Honey, Sweetie, and Braith. What's everyone sitting around the fire for?" Said The Dragonborn.

"We need to talk." Said Senna

"Oh boy, that's never good." Said The Dragonborn

"No, it's not." Said Senna, "Take a seat my love."

The Dragonborn also took a seat around the fire and then reasked his question, "So why is everybody here?"

"Lucia hit our young Braith with Voldenrung the Ancient Hammer of Destruction, and artifact of the Daedric Lord Malacath." Said Amren

"Your daughter is just lucky that all children are immortal or you'd have real trouble on your hands!" yelled Saffir

"Lucia! Why did you hit Braith with Voldenrung the Ancient Hammer of Destruction, and artifact of the Daedric Lord Malacath?" asked the Dragonborn, incredulous that his sweet and unassuming daughter would do such a thing.

"What I want to know is how she lifted the damn thing." Said Lydia

"Lydia!" Shouted all the adults, "This is serious!" said the Dragonborn

"Not really, all children are immortal and that's far from the most dangerous thing you have in the house." Said Lydia

"Whoa wait, T.O.!" shouted Amren "Voldenrung the Ancient Hammer of Destruction, and artifact of the Daedric Lord Malacath, isn't the deadliest thing you have!?"

"If that isn't what is!?" shouted Saffir

"Mace of Molag Bal. One hit from that thing and your daughter would endure an eternity of rape at the hands of the Daedric Prince of… well evil basically." Said Lydia

"It's well guarded against children I assure you!" Said the Dragonborn hastily

"No it's not, you keep it in an unlocked chest upstairs." Said Lydia

"Lydia!" Shouted the Dragonborn

"What? I'm sworn to carry your burdens not your secrets." Said Lydia

"You keep that thing in the HOUSE!?" Yelled Senna

"How did you even get that?" asked Saffir

"I killed a Priest of Boethia. He was evil! It was totally justified!" said The Dragonborn

"Well he really more tortured the guy until he died, resurrected him, tortured him again, broke his spirit, then killed him and sent his soul to Molag Bal. I don't know if Molag Bal is into guys or whatever, but either way it's not gonna be a fun eternity for that guy." Said Lydia

Everyone was silent with jaws hanging open for a while, before Amren finally said, "Well, now we know where she gets it from."

"What's that supposed to mean!?" asked the Dragonborn

"You torture and murder living beings on a daily basis and you don't think it might be you that caused your daughter to hit my daughter with Voldenrung the Ancient Hammer of Destruction, and artifact of the Daedric Lord Malacath?"

Things were silent for a while before the Dragonborn yelled "OH GOD IT'S TRUE! I'M THE REASON MY DAUGHTER IS A PSYCHOPATH!"

"Maybe if you spend more time with your family and less time murdering things, you won't have these problems." Said Senna passive aggressively.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Asked The Dragonborn defensively, "I spend plenty of time with you guys!"

"You stay with us for about an hour a day, then we have sex, then you leave for another draugr crypt for a week, then you come back smelling of death and the cycle repeats!" Said Senna

The Dragonborn thought about this, before finally stating, "I am the worst person ever. But sweetie, I promise you that I will stay off adventuring from now on. My life will now revolve around being with you and Lucia in a loving household free of murder."

"That's all I'm asking, my love." Said Senna before the two kissed

Mommy, mommy! Does this mean daddies going to be around more often to play tag and hide and seek and everything!?" Said Lucia excitedly

"It sure does kiddo!" Said the Dragonborn pulling his family into a group hug, "Lydia! Come get in on this you're as much a part of this family as anyone!"

Lydia rolled her eyes then sauntered over and into the hug

"Looks like everything is going to be ok from now on!" Said The Dragonborn

"Yeah, we need you to move." Said Amren bluntly

"What?" Said The Dragonborn, incredulous that Amren would ruin the moment like that

"Me and Saffir just don't think that a guy who consorts with both Malacath and Molag Bal should be around town."

"There's only two of them!" defended The Dragonborn

"He's also drinking buddies with Sanguine and goes out to eat with Namira once in a while." Said Lydia

"Hey Sanguine's not as bad as other Daedra! He's the reason me and Senna met! Remember sweetie? I was totally hammered and molested a statue of Dibella?"

"Yeah you need to leave" said Saffir

JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR FUS RO DAD CHAPTER 2: MOVING DAY!