Everything I do just reminds me again,
Like a picture of you painted under my skin.
If love is a mystery, then my only clue,
Is some belong together like I do to you.
-Tyler Hilton, I Belong
[1]
"He called me untrained and an unwarranted diva!" Rachel stomps her foot, the paper crinkling in her fist.
Santana can't help but roll her eyes from her place on the couch. Rachel has only been on Broadway for a month. Sure, Funny Girl is expected to collect a couple of Tonys and Rachel will be singing to sold-out crowds for at least the next five months of her contract. Little Rachel Berry's dreams are coming true, but the time she spends reading articles about herself is going to drive Santana crazy.
"Rach, you've gotten a million rave reviews from some of the biggest critics in the business. Are you really going to ruin your day over what some online critic wrote on his pathetic little blog? This is the same dude that said the dog in Annie was a mangy mutt that had no right being in the business."
It is as close to comforting Rachel as she is going to get. If Rachel wants to be in this business, at some point she is going to have to stop wearing her heart on her sleeve.
Plus, Santana would like to get laid tonight. Saying the wrong thing was inevitable in this case and pissing Rachel off would probably ruin her chances of a decent orgasm.
Maybe if they had been doing this friends-with-benefits thing longer than two weeks, Santana would be more willing to tell Rachel to suck it up and deal with the bad press. Part of her thinks it's ridiculous that she's willing to swallow her comments for the sake of a girl that she's lived with for four months and has only slept with a handful of times.
But those few times were way better than Santana had ever expected. One drunk, celebratory night had turned into kissing against the bathroom sink as soon as Rachel had finished brushing her teeth in the morning. There were groping sessions during episodes of Parks and Recreation while Kurt was at work in the mornings. Santana told herself it was just an added benefit of having a fucking sexy roommate. There was no way that she actually had feelings for an unwarranted diva and insufferable know-it-all.
[2]
Santana whines for three whole weeks leading up to the Tony Awards.
Rachel is nominated for Best Leading Actress in a Musical - not that Santana expected anything different. And fuck, Santana is proud of her. Why else would she have seen the show a dozen or so times in the past six months? Rachel deserves the fancy dress and the media buzz and the red carpet walk.
But fuck, having to watch Rachel get ready to go to the event on the arm of Jesse St. James is enough to make her blood boil.
Santana gets the need for PR and keeping their relationship quiet from the public. Rachel is a small-time celebrity and she's still a teenager with a huge career in front of her. Her rep, a thin-lipped bitch named Lindsey, wants to keep her dating life off the radar - Santana thinks this is just a polite way of saying that Santana's not the kind of person a rising star should be involved with in public. Instead, Lindsey jumps on the chance to let Rachel walk the carpet on Jesse's arm. They'll be the talk of every Broadway website tonight: the two young stars in their first big shows that also happened to be romantically linked during their high school years. Jesse is nominated for Best Featured Actor in a Musical and is the perfect arm candy for Rachel.
He shows up at their apartment with flowers and a shit-eating grin. Santana has to admit that he looks good - his tuxedo fits him perfectly and his haircut is so much better than his high school look. The pictures from the paparazzi of them together will be fantastic. Rachel's dress, a simple champagne-colored Oscar de la Renta design, suits her perfectly.
Santana pouts on the couch as Kurt exclaims over the two of them. Lindsey stands off to the side, tapping away at her cell phone and checking her watch obsessively.
"We need to go," Lindsey announces suddenly.
"The limo is waiting downstairs," Jesse agrees, his teeth sparkling as he smiles widely. He runs a hand through his short hair.
"You NEED to get a picture taken with Idina if you see her," Kurt reminds Rachel, leaning in to kiss her cheek lightly, careful to not smudge her makeup.
Santana doesn't move from the couch. She folds her hands over her chest as she hears the door slide open.
The click of Rachel's heels move away from the door and Santana listens to them heading towards her until she's met with Rachel standing in front of her, her hands twisting nervously in front of her.
All of the anger melts away when Santana sees the insecurity in Rachel's eyes. She stands up quickly and reaches for Rachel's hands. She squeezes them lightly before interlocking their fingers.
"You're amazing, Rach. You're nineteen and you're nominated for a fucking Tony Award. Just enjoy it, okay?" She pauses and Rachel gives her a weak nod. "Winning isn't everything, you know. Though they're complete fucking morons if they don't realize that you're the most fucking talented person at that venue."
Rachel beams at her and Santana finds that it is impossible to stay mad at Rachel just because she doesn't get to attend as Rachel's date. It's Rachel's special night and she doesn't want anything to ruin that.
She leans in to kiss Rachel, but Rachel turns her head.
"I'm so sorry. Lindsey will kill me if I mess up my makeup."
Santana sighs, but doesn't argue. Without warning, Rachel is in her arms, hugging her like she's trying to pour every ounce of reassurance into Santana's skin.
"I can't wait to see you tonight," Rachel whispers in her ear. "We can have our own celebration when I win."
Santana shivers from the feeling of Rachel's hot words on the shell of her ear. Rachel steps back and adjusts her dress before she walks to where Jesse is waiting for her by the door.
Kurt makes a huge bowl of popcorn and pours them glasses of wine as they watch the carpet. There are a million of people Santana doesn't recognize, but Kurt keeps up a running commentary for her sake.
When Jesse emerges from a limo and holds his hand in front of him to help Rachel out, Santana holds her breath. She watches as her girlfriend appears on national television, looking like a Hollywood star. The glitter in her dress catch the sunlight and she literally sparkles for the cameras. Santana can see the flashing lights from every direction around Rachel and the hosts are gabbing on about the young faces, but all Santana can fixate on is how beautiful Rachel looks with her long, wavy hair falling over her shoulders and the perfectly cut, elegant dress.
Soon they are moving onto the next arrival and Rachel disappears from the screen, but Santana is already grabbing her laptop to Google the paparazzi shots of Rachel. She checks Rachel's gossip sites. They're nothing like Perez Hilton - this is Broadway, after all - yet they are already filled with the rumors about Rachel and Jesse's possible relationship. Some have put together the links to Rachel and Jesse's rival show choirs pasts and one website even has a picture of them together at McKinley's junior prom.
Santana doesn't pay attention to the television again until Rachel's category is up. Kurt turns the volume all the way up and Santana sits up straight as they announce the nominees. The camera zooms in on Rachel and she's giving the camera her best smile, but Santana can see how nervous Rachel is based on the little beads of sweat appearing at her temples.
The envelope is opened as slowly as humanly possible (in Santana's opinion) and then the dude leans into the microphone.
"And the winner is…"
Santana is pretty sure that her heart stops beating.
"Rachel Berry as Fanny Brice in the revival of Funny Girl!"
Kurt is on his feet and the bowl of popcorn goes flying. Santana jumps up and they hug as they scream.
Rachel calls her as soon as she can after the ceremony and Santana can't stop gushing about how perfect her speech was (even if she called Santana her roommate in it) and how beautiful she looked.
Santana convinces her to go to the after party with Jesse - she deserves to have a great time tonight - and that she'll see her in the morning.
Kurt goes to meet up with some NYADA friends to celebrate Rachel's victory - apparently a NYADA win is a win for all of them. Santana gets ready for bed and posts a congratulatory Facebook status before she climbs into bed alone.
She's woken by Rachel shaking her shoulder from the side of the bed, still wearing her Tony dress. Her hair has lost most of its curl and her makeup is slightly smeared below her eyes, but her giddiness makes her even more beautiful than she looked in all of the red carpet pictures.
Santana rubs her bleary eyes as Rachel unzips the dress and it falls to the ground. She licks her lips before Rachel is climbing onto her, settling with her knees on either side of Santana's hips.
"Celebrate with me," Rachel demands and she kisses Santana hard, not caring that her lipstick is going to leave a mark.
[3]
"How long are you going to be gone?" Santana asks. Rachel neatly folds her underwear as she puts it in her suitcase.
"Five days. I have go to the audition, though that's really just a formality from the studio. Then I have to do a chemistry read with the male lead. Hopefully before I leave, I'll be signing on the dotted line," Rachel replies.
A TV show. A TV show that films in Los Angeles for the majority of the year.
They've talked about it a million times from every angle. Breaking away from Broadway is the logical step in Rachel's career.
Los fucking Angeles.
Santana isn't tied down to New York. She has five weeks until graduation and she is job hunting anyway. She can be a journalist in Los Angeles instead. Sure, her connections are all in New York. Their friends are here. It's been home for the past five years.
Los Angeles is for the rich and the famous. Rachel has a chance to be one of them if this show takes off.
They're only twenty-three; their whole lives are still in front of them. Santana could be happy in a place that's always sunny. If nothing else, at least Rachel will be there.
"When do you actually start filming?" she inquires, leaning back against the headboard. Rachel stops packing and climbs onto the bed next to Santana. She nuzzles into Santana's shoulder, her hair tickling Santana's cheek.
"Probably within the next two months," Rachel admits. "Most of the parts are already cast. Robert says that they want to get moving on this project."
Robert, Rachel's manager, is going with her. He's the one that got the producers to even notice Rachel in the first place. Santana wishes she could go too, but she can't miss a week of class just because her girlfriend is on the verge of having a huge break for her career.
Rachel calls four days later to tell Santana that she got the part. It's on the down low for now - the paperwork still isn't complete - and Santana can't pay attention in class at all.
Instead, she jots down ideas for the article she's going to write as part of the announcement. Her website isn't completely stories about trashy Hollywood gossip. In fact, it's kind of all over the place with what she writes about. Journalism isn't clear cut and she's not sure what she wants to do with her degree exactly. A story about Rachel landing a role this big - though she won't release it until Robert gives her the nod - is too much to pass up.
Two days later, Rachel is home from her trip. Santana rushes home from class to see her, not wasting a single moment.
The living room of their apartment has been transformed with candles and flower petals. It's cliché romance and is so incredibly Rachel that Santana can't help but smile.
"I take it that we're celebrating?" Santana jokes as she drops her bag by the door and walks over to where Rachel is standing in the living room. Rachel kisses her in greeting, but pulls away faster than Santana would have liked.
She stays in the middle of the room while Rachel walks over to the record player and drops the needle down onto the record.
The room is filled with Billie Holliday and Santana holds out her arms, gesturing for Rachel to return to them. To her dismay, Rachel turns away and moves over by the entertainment unit. She fiddles with something that Santana can't see before she walks back.
There's something in Rachel's hand and Santana's heart squeezes tight at the sight of it. She knows a jewelry box when she sees one.
The song fades to the distance as Rachel takes her hand and lowers herself onto one knee. It's a scene Santana has never imagined - she always figured that with Rachel being a diva princess that she'd be the one executing this particular gesture.
"Santana."
Rachel's voice pulls Santana out of her own head. She locks eyes with Rachel and she can feel Rachel's trembling hand in hers. She lets her thumb stroke Rachel's palm softly.
"I know that it's a lot to ask of you to let me follow my wild dreams, no matter where they lead. I know that it's hard for you to sit back and deal with all of the unpredictability that happens in my life. But I want you next to me. I want you to be my rock every single day. I want you to be the home that I can always come to, even if we're on the other side of the world. I want to show you off on the red carpet and kiss you on camera when I win. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Santana. Will -"
"Yes."
"But I didn't even ask you the question yet," Rachel pouts. Santana pulls Rachel to her feet and kisses her soundly, her arms snaking around Rachel's waist.
"My answer will always be yes for you," Santana replies. She doesn't need some big fancy proposal to know that she wants to be with Rachel forever. "But I do require some bling."
Rachel takes a step back and fumbles with the box in her hand. It's not Tiffany blue. If it had been anybody else, Santana probably would have turned the ring away for that reason alone.
"I know it's not the one in Tiffany that Quinn mentioned you've been eying up for months," Rachel admits. Santana should have known that there was a reason that Quinn wasn't annoyed with how many times Santana dragged her through the jewelry store to look at rings that neither she nor Quinn could afford. "I could have been home a day earlier but I had to swing by and see Neil."
"As in Neil Lane?"
Rachel shrugs and gives her a little smile. She pries open the box and holds it out towards Santana.
The diamond is bigger than Santana expects and so, so shiny. She's dying to feel the weight of it on her finger but she tries to be patient as Rachel extracts it from the box and slips it on.
When Rachel's hand falls away, she can feel the heaviness of the platinum and diamond on her finger, like an anchor holding her steady against a current of emotions.
"Do you like it?" Rachel asks, her voice timid.
"Like it? Rach, it's perfect," Santana assures her. It's more than perfect.
The only question on Santana's mind is whether to get married here in New York or in their new home of Los Angeles.
[4]
Santana's plan was not to be a journalist that only writes about celebrities. However, having a famous wife does have its advantages for her research and it's not like she's a gossip columnist. It's what she tells herself as she writes an article about the latest trends in designer heels on the red carpet.
Part of her knows she's doing something good - her website is one of the hottest in the industry and she manages to do it by only focusing on strong women. It's not a place to talk about their romantic lives or their diet routines. She talks about fashion and strong role models and the ever-present intelligence and compassion of the women in Hollywood.
As much as it is still all about celebrities, she sleeps better at night knowing that she's helping young girls see these famous women as wonderful role models. So what if her inspiration came from Brooke Davis on One Tree Hill? She has met Sophia Bush now and she knows that these women are more than their clothing size and romantic entanglements.
She gets recognized on the streets of LA and it makes her laugh when her own picture appears on gossip websites as she walks Hadley in the stroller on her way to a meeting.
Hadley is her best buddy. Rachel's current movie schedule has her filming overseas for the next seven weeks and Santana refuses to leave their daughter with a nanny. She's a mother and she wants to be an active parent, not a Hollywood mom.
So instead, the five month-old sits in her lap as she interviews Lucy Hale. It's impossible to not notice the giant diamond on Lucy's hand - a new addition from her engagement only early this week. After a quick, off-the-record word of congratulations, Santana moves on with the interview. Her story isn't about Lucy's love life. In all honesty, there will be one line mentioning the engagement only because Lucy talks so fondly about her husband-to-be's support over her controversial role in a new movie.
At intervals, Hadley gets fussy and Santana bounces her little look-alike on her knee. She apologizes to Lucy when finally she knows she has to give in and nurse her daughter. Lucy reminds her that she should be proud to be a mother that actually spends time with her kid - even while on the job. It's something that Santana has preached so many times in interviews and in her editorial column on the website.
After Hadley is sufficiently full - Santana nursed her using the ridiculous curtain thing that Rachel got made especially for her - Lucy asks if she can hold her. Hadley goes happily to the stranger and she sucks happily on her pacifier as Santana finishes up the interview.
She straps Hadley back into the stroller at the end of the interview and hugs Lucy goodbye. Lucy comments on what a great mom she is as she pulls the shade down to block Hadley both from the sun and the bright lights of the paparazzi that tend to stalk this area. She beams with pride at Lucy and tells her that Hadley is the thing she's most proud of in this world. It's completely the truth.
When she lands her own talk show eleven months later, the whole first episode revolves around her own life of being married to a celebrity and being an active mother. Hadley sits on the rug in front of her, playing happily with stacking cups as Santana interviews Willow Smith about her new foundation. In the front row, Santana can see Rachel beaming up at her, happy to give Santana her shot in the limelight.
[5]
It kills Santana when she needs to drop Hadley off at school on the first day of kindergarten. Rachel holds her hand on one side as Hadley clutches to her other. Hadley's backpack is too big for her little frame and it bumps against the back of her knees as they walk.
Santana wants to take it from her and carry it herself, but Hadley is stubborn like Rachel and will tell her that big girls carry their own backpacks. She's glad that her daughter has grown into a little independent person who can handle herself, but this is her baby girl.
Santana and Rachel hug their daughter goodbye at the doorway to Hadley's kindergarten class. Rachel has to tap her shoulder to make Santana break her hug and release their little girl into the world of school. Hadley isn't bothered though. She hardly pauses to wave to her moms before she runs inside the room.
"When did she get so big?" Santana wonders aloud, trying to keep the tears at bay.
"We've done well, honey," Rachel reminds her, squeezing her hand. She steers them away from the classroom and Santana is grateful to have someone like Rachel beside her for these things.
Rachel insists on taking Santana out for breakfast before they both head into work and they sit and laugh together in the little French place around the corner from their house. They don't get many moments like this anymore - Hadley is usually tugging at one of them, asking if they'll play with her. It's the reason that they agreed that Hadley wasn't fit to be an only child and the reason that they signed the adoption papers for little Benjamin three days ago. By the end of the week, he will be ready to come home with them.
[6]
Having another baby is a huge adjustment. Santana forgot how hard it is to function on hardly any sleep for days on end. Hadley acts out when she doesn't get all of their attention. There are dirty diapers to change every minute and bottles that need to be washed out and a constantly growing pile of laundry.
It's not as easy being a working mother when there are two children, Santana quickly learns. She can't have Ben on set with her - he cries too often that they have to keep stopping so she can tend to him. Rachel's work schedule is never definite, and while she takes Ben when she can, it's not working out.
"We need a nanny," Rachel says after Santana reads to Hadley and tucks her in. Ben is in Rachel's arms, sucking down a bottle as quickly as his tiny mouth will let him.
Santana sighs. She knows Rachel is right - this isn't working.
"It goes against everything I've talked about for years though," Santana complains, sitting down next to her wife on the couch.
"Just part-time, Santana. We both have careers that we love and don't want to give up. So we need to sacrifice somewhere else."
"Don't you feel like we're selling out and becoming every other Hollywood couple if we do?" Santana asks. She reaches over to stroke Ben's little foot.
"As soon as he's sitting up and can play happily, he can sit at your feet like Hadley did for years," Rachel assures her. "But wouldn't it be nice to have some help?"
"Yeah, I guess," Santana agrees.
"It doesn't mean we're not good mothers."
"I'm not settling on the first nanny we interview," Santana warns. "They need to be highly qualified. I want references and background checks. Have Robert draw up confidentiality agreements if they're going to be spending so much time in our house. Do you think we should have nanny cams installed, just in case?"
"Santana, I think you're overreacting to the situation. People leave their kids with babysitters all the time."
"We're not just any people, Rach. You're a Grammy away from your EGOT. I have two Daytime Emmy awards and a book deal."
"You just like reminding me that we're the ultimate power lesbian couple, don't you?"
"I'm just saying, Portia and Ellen don't have a Grammy. You need to work on getting one for our mantelpiece, babe."
[7]
Rachel's album hits the charts hard right out of the gate.
Santana isn't even a little surprised - Rachel is a beloved public figure with a following that goes all the way back to her Broadway debut. Her voice has only gotten better with age. Despite doing TV shows and movies, she's never stopped singing for even a moment. There were short stints in various Broadway shows during breaks from filming, benefit concerts for disaster relief, and lullabies for Hadley and Ben.
Santana can't wait for the day that they announce the Grammy nominations. Rachel calls her while Santana is in the middle of filming and Santana answers her cell phone while they're still shooting. The crowd goes crazy when she puts Rachel on speakerphone and Rachel announces that she's nominated for not one, but three different awards.
Ben climbs up into Santana's lap and hugs her, unsure of what to do with all of the excitement. She snuggles him tightly until the crowd dies down and then he sits with her happily crashing his cars together as she interviews her next guest.
They leave Ben and Hadley with their Aunt Brittany on the night of the Grammy Awards. It's been awhile since they've had a real night on the town. They're old now. Rachel likes to call it 'seasoned' but Santana knows it's just a way to make her feel better. They have wrinkles starting to form at the corner of their eyes - a reminder of all the smiles they've shared. Unlike many in Hollywood, they're actually aging. They have avoided plastic surgery to maintain the perfect appearance, but with good stylists, they still look amazing by the time they're heading out the door.
Unlike Rachel's first Tony Awards, Santana is happily on her arm. They pose together down the carpet, their dresses complementary of one another, yet reflecting their very different takes on fashion. Rachel gets asked a million questions, but the reporters all take the time to ask Santana who she is wearing tonight as well.
After all these years, she's happy to be Rachel's arm candy. Her wife is as beautiful as she was on that first ever carpet that Santana watched from their Brooklyn loft with Kurt. It's even more sweet when Rachel's name is announced and she kisses Santana soundly despite the cameras in their face.
Rachel Berry-Lopez is an EGOT winner. It's a dream that she's had for as long as Santana has known her. Tonight, Santana feels like the winner though. Because that beautiful, poised women on stage is looking directly at her as she delivers her acceptance speech.
"...And most of all, I need to thank my beautiful, talented, supportive other half, Santana. She's the only reason I'm standing here. Without her pushing me and loving me so fiercely, I would have never finished this album. She's my inspiration and my world and gave me the two best gifts in our children, Hadley and Benjamin. Thank you!"
Santana can feel the cameras recording her reaction, but it doesn't matter. They're in a huge venue and Rachel is standing under massive spotlights, but it's just the two of them in a quiet moment. Rachel's eyes linger on hers as she holds the award with both hands. Rachel smiles and Santana knows it's completely for her. It is their own tiny celebration of the moment. Brittany has the kids until tomorrow and Santana can't wait to celebrate privately when they get home, just like they did the first time Rachel brought home a big award.