Here it is, the most voted story and so (probably) the most awaited one, Losing hope.
I am still having a bit trouble with this story, as I wrote this a long time ago and I have not been satisfied with it. At all. Now, it is basically being rewritten, but it still isn't quite how I want it to be.
Still, I really wanted to present this story for you as I know that some have been waiting for this. I hope you enjoy this first chapter.
WARNING: I was going to say that there will be a lot of moments of Natsu getting hurt but scratch that, this story is based on him getting hurt. So, if you aren't into that, now is the time to turn back. Also, possible gore (not sure yet) and horror ahead. I will inform about those parts separately and they can be skipped. An a-bit-gruesome warning given for this chapter too.
You know the drill: I don't own Fairy Tail.
It was impossible after all.
Even though I swore I would find you.
The expectations rose so high as I told myself that I could do it. One day, for sure.
'You can definitely do it!'
'If you just keep searching, you're bound to find something!'
But somehow I always knew. Deep inside of me, a tiny voice was saying that I couldn't do it.
Did you hate me so much that you left me alone?
The tiny voice had grown bigger during the years and now it was becoming overwhelming.
After the battle where my own strength wasn't enough to protect my friends, I realized. I realized that I'm weak.
I can't find you.
I can't save anyone.
'It's not your fault.'
But I still know it is.
–
I hadn't gone to the guild for a few days.
I couldn't face everyone knowing that I wasn't be able to protect them anymore. Or, maybe I never could. My heart ached with the feeling of powerlessness and so turned my head to bury my face in my pillow once again. I didn't want to get up, not due to laziness but because I felt more down than ever. This had been going on for a few days, just laying in my bed, thinking about how useless I was. Happy had tried to get me up for countless times, but I wouldn't even answer to him. I couldn't. He was still covered in bruises and his tail was broken from several places but he hadn't complained about the injuries even once. He tried to act happy like he always was but I knew that he was still in pain. Seeing him like that made me unable to even speak. I couldn't even apologize any longer. Every time he tried to cheer me up or offer me something to eat or drink I would stay in complete silence, gritting my teeth in self-hatred and guilt.
The others had been injured too. Happy told me that Lucy had woken up yesterday but she still needed to stay in bed for a week at least. Erza and Gray were thankfully better. Erza had broken bones and bruises like the other two, but she had woken up right after the battle and was in a relatively good condition. Gray's ribs had broken in several places and he had a lot of other injuries, but he was up and walking. Erza and Gray were both fast healers, unlike Lucy, so they were spending their days at the guild like nothing had happened, apparently.
I had a lot of injuries too, but they weren't too serious. Some cuts and bruises and a few broken bones. Since I was a fast healer too, I knew that I was going to be in perfect condition in a few weeks at most.
I was in pain, but it wasn't my injuries that were hurting. The fact that I had let everyone down, that I hadn't been able to protect my friends when I should have, pained me more than any wound ever could have. I was the only one who blamed me about what happened. They were saying that it wasn't my fault. But if I had made some other choices maybe everything would have been different and no one had had to get hurt because of me.
I let the most recent painful memories flow into my thoughts again, consuming me, as I felt like it was the only thing I could do to punish myself. I needed to relive that moment over and over again so I was never going to forget what I had done.
- A few days ago -
I woke up in a big, round, white room chained high to the wall. My first reaction was to struggle against my bonds, trying to get my freedom back. Unfortunately, it was no use.
"Damn it!" I shouted in frustration.
I tried to remember how I got there but the last thing I remembered was that I was trying to find my friends inside this stupid maze-like building.
Since my hands were held high over my head and all my weight was supported by the chains, I felt an uncomfortable ache in my shoulders. I knew that if I would have to stay in the position for too long I was going to have to feel the pain of my shoulders dislocating.
"I see you have awakened, salamander," a dark, cunning voice then said and I looked down to see a tall man wearing an evil grin.
"Who are you?! Or more importantly, GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!" I shouted at him, only to earn a snicker.
"I'm the one you are supposed to defeat." I frowned as my mood turned more serious.
"So, you're the one who sent that challenge letter to our guild?"
"Yes. But that was only to lure you in here," the man told with a twisted smile.
"What?!"
The man gave a laugh. I tried to struggle out of the chains again but it wasn't working. These chains were different.
"You probably noticed that those chains cancel all magic," the man told calmly. He held his hands behind his back, which just made me more irritated. He didn't see me as a threat. I gave the man a glare as he just smirked at me.
"I need you to give me some information about the dragons." I felt my face twitching in anger. So he was after the dragons.
"No way in hell."
"I thought you would say that, but I think that this should make you reconsider."
The man snapped his fingers and three big screens opened in the air. They were all from different parts of the castle and in each of them, there was a familiar mage making their way somewhere.
"Ooi! Everyone! I'm here!" I shouted, trying to get them to notice me. But as I slightly expected, they didn't seem to hear me.
"Now, salamander. If you don't tell me where the dragons are, I'm going to start hurting your friends. You don't want that, now do you?"
I gritted my teeth.
"You aren't playing very fair."
"But you still aren't willing to tell me anything? Then, let's start."
At the same time in all of the screens, chains appeared from somewhere and grabbed my friends. They all screamed as they were dragged away at a frightening speed.
"What are you doing?!" I shouted at the man who gave a laugh again.
"Now, tell me where the dragons are."
I started to panic.
"Let my friends go! They've got nothing to do with this!"
The two big doors soon opened and chains ran towards the man and went into his sleeves. The chains continued to run and seemed to disappear inside the man's coat. It took a while before one of the chains reached its end and revealed a familiar figure, all wrapped inside the chain.
"Gray!" At the same time, Lucy, Happy and Erza were dragged inside the room too.
"That hurt!" Lucy shouted angrily and tried to struggle out of the chains.
"Everyone!" I shouted, making the three look up to see me.
"Natsu! What are you doing up there?" Erza asked with a light tone, seemingly not concerned at all about what was happening.
"It's not like I want to be up here!" I found myself snapping at her.
The man walked towards my friends with a smirk on his face. He controlled the chains so that the the four were dangling in the air, letting out surprised yelps.
He walked to Lucy and pulled her hair so that her face was facing up. Then, he took a knife out of his pocket and held it against Lucy's neck.
"Now, salamander, do you feel like speaking?" A few drops of sweat ran down my face as I gritted my teeth. "Stop it! I'll tell you everything I know so leave them alone!" The man released Lucy and walked closer to me again.
"Alright. Tell me now and I'll let your friends go." I gulped. This couldn't end well.
"W-well…"
"Tell me!"
"The dragons disappeared one day, all at the same time."
"I know that already. I need to know where they are now." The man was getting impatient.
"I don't know anything! I have been searching them too, but I haven't found anything."
"You little liar." The man seemed very angry. He gave me a punch in the gut, forcing the breath out of me, leaving my vision spinning for a while. When I could focus my vision again and gasp a few wheezy breaths, I saw the man walking towards my friends.
"NO! STOP IT!" I shouted but the man didn't listen. He tightened the chain around Gray, who shouted in pain.
"GRAY!" I saw the older mage gritting his teeth in pain as his eyes shone with anger.
"STOP IT! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM!" I tried to reason, but the man just started kicking and hitting Gray, who cried out in pain after every attack. The room was soon filled with different noises. We were all shouting, but the worst noise came from the bones that kept cracking underneath Gray's skin. It went on until Gray had no strength to shout. The man then dropped him onto the ground where his blood had gathered into a puddle and it splashed as he fell.
He once again walked over to me and asked me the same questions. I only stared at my comrade in shock, before I shook my head.
"Please.. I really don't know! I will do anything, just stop this!" I pleaded, unable to keep my tears back. They rolled down my cheeks, creating small rivers. They made no difference to anyone.
After the man didn't get the answer he wanted, he chose his next victim. The beating went on and our voices died down one by one, until it was only me left.
"NO! No, no! Stop it..!" I continued to shout until no sound came out anymore. I didn't even notice the water falling from my eyes anymore, just wishing he'd stop this torture. I heard him land one last kick on Lucy before there was only silence.
The man was panting and he turned to look at me again. I looked up to see that my friends weren't moving anymore.
"No…no…" I breathed out. I felt like something inside of me died that moment. They weren't moving. Oh god, they weren't moving. This had to be a nightmare. I wanted someone to wake me up now. I wasn't going to be able to stay sane for much longer.
"Tell me where they are…" the man was seething in anger while walking closer to me, his body covered with the blood of my friends.
I was too shocked to say anything. I barely even registered what the guy said. I was being lowered down and soon I matched his eye-level.
I wasn't looking at him. I was broken. My friends were…
"Useless!" he hissed, "you are completely useless!"
The man started hitting me and kicking me but I barely even noticed. I felt dead already. There was an ugly sound next to my ear, coming from my shoulder. Another similar pop was soon heard again from the other shoulder.
'So they dislocated...' I thought absentmindedly.
The enraged man kept on going and I started registering the pain slowly. This continued for a very long time before he seemed to snap completely. He stopped and pulled a knife out of his pocket. He inspected the blade in strange glee shining in his eyes. "I think I'll just make you suffer through hell…"
'Hell..' I wondered at his words, 'Am I not already in hell? My friends...' Another tear rolled down my cheek. I was thinking that this was the end. My friends were gone and it was my fault. Now, I was going to share their fate.
The man took out a bottle from inside his coat and opened the lid. He poured the strange black liquid to the blade and marveled it for a moment. Then, with a swift move, he stabbed me in my side. I screamed until my voice cracked and disappeared into a wheezing sound.
He twisted the blade a bit before pulling it out. My vision became blurry and I saw the blade, dripping fresh blood on the floor. It hurt. I couldn't breathe.
The last thing I saw before I could finally let go of my consciousness, was an explosion as the doors were brought down and a crowd of people walking through the dust. I recognized one small figure in the front as the guild Master and relief overcame me. With that emotion washing over me, I greeted the darkness.
- Current time-
I touched my side gently. It had been bandaged carefully but somehow, the pain was still there. 'Usually the pain would be gone by now…' I thought but decided that it was nothing serious. I rolled over and stared at the empty room before letting out a tired sigh.
"Maybe I should just get lost… I really can't look at them in the eye anymore…" I spoke to the empty room. I sat up and buried my head in my hands.
"What am I supposed to do…?" I muttered.
I felt tired. Very, very tired, but I felt like I couldn't stay there any longer. I got up and decided to go to the nearby lake to wash my face for starters. I could think about my next course of action after that.
I walked out of my and Happy's house and walked down the path we always took when we went to the lake. I let my thoughts wander.
I knew that I couldn't live with this guilt for much longer, but living in Magnolia made it impossible to forget about what I had done. Seeing my friends would remind me about my powerlessness and I didn't want that. I was the one who needed to keep them safe, but I had been completely unable to fulfill that role.
I knew what had to be done. I needed to leave Magnolia for good. There was no other way. I would travel the continent – like I had once wished – never staying at one place, never making any relationships. If I did, I would just end up losing them again. Realizing how cliché my thoughts sounded, I couldn't help but to laugh silently. Gray would surely make fun of me if he knew. I stopped walking at that thought. Why was I thinking about him now? I tried to search through my feelings for a possible solution. He was my rival and a friend and there was a strange, unspoken bond between us. Somehow we knew if the other was feeling down and sometimes even our thoughts seemed to be exchanged just by a glance. Maybe it was because of those reasons that I somehow felt like meeting him. I wanted him to know what I was thinking, to know that I was leaving. He would probably understand me. Surprisingly, that thought made me smile a bit. Maybe I could meet him once more to talk to him. Then I would surely leave.
I found myself growing tired. The road to the lake felt much longer than I remembered. My steps were getting heavy while sharp tugs of pain to coursed through my body to the rhythm of my steps as my injuries were aggravated by the movement.
After a good while, I reached the small lake. I let out a relieved sigh and walked slowly towards my favorite napping place. I sat down and leaned against the trunk of the big three, inspecting the soft grass under my fingers. The pain on my body started fading slowly as the sun washed its warm rays over me. I stared at the thick clouds floating above, my mind emptying from all thoughts. It was so calm. Before I even noticed, I had fallen asleep.
Unfortunately, my nap turned out to be restless. I had a nightmare about the latest incident again. They were all dying again…And it was all because of me. I tried to run towards them but I couldn't reach them. The chains caught me again and snaked up my body, trapping me, imprisoning me. They stole my freedom and crushed inside their grasp painfully. Soon, they were around my neck, choking me. I cried soundlessly and stared at the bloodied bodies of my most treasured friends.
Just when I was sure I was going to die, I woke up, but I panicked as I noticed where. I had somehow managed to get deep underwater and I had no idea where the surface was. I clearly hadn't thought about taking a deep breath before diving for I didn't have much air in my lungs. I was so lost and in panic that moment. I looked around and saw a glimpse of light. Without thinking, I started swimming towards it but soon realized that I wasn't going to make it. My body became heavy and my lungs were on fire.
'Shit… I don't want to die in here! Not like this!' I thought but my vision became blurred and my arms didn't have any strength left. The air in my lungs escaped into the water and slowly rose to the surface. It was so close… So close… But I couldn't reach it. I extended my hand and tried to reach the surface as the last futile attempt. I knew that I couldn't reach it. I was about to give in when I felt a strong grip on my hand. But I couldn't help it. The water rushed into my lungs and I blacked out.
An alarmed shout woke me up. "Oi! Natsu! Wake up you idiot!"
I slowly opened my eyes and saw Gray leaning over me with a worried look. His face and hair was dripping with water and he was panting softly. If I wasn't surprised enough because of that, I soon found that I couldn't breathe. I gasped for air and started coughing. Gray noticed this and quickly lifted me up to a sitting position so I could get rid of all the water that had managed to get into my lungs.
After I finally was able to breathe again, Gray moved in front of me and grabbed my shoulders tightly. I raised my head slowly to look at him. I saw his face twisted in worry, but more than that, he looked pissed.
"What the hell were you doing!?" he shouted, "I get that you're upset but this isn't like you!" He shook me a few times and I saw that he looked hurt.
"We've told you already, what happened wasn't your fault! No one blames you for what happened," he said and I looked away from him, but he shook my shoulders again and leaned a bit closer. I had no choice but to look at him. His angry look melted away.
"You should have told someone you were that depressed…" Gray now only looked honestly sad which I found confusing.
"I just thought that I would come and check on you but then I found that you weren't in your house. So, I started searching for you. How do you think I felt when I saw your muffler floating on the surface?" Gray's grip on my shoulders tightened and I somehow got what Gray was thinking right now. I was about to say something but then, I felt Gray's hands shaking before he shouted at me, his voice wavering with what I recognized as terror, "damn it, Natsu! You scared the hell out of me! Don't you ever think about doing a suicide again, you hear me!? Not ever!" Gray shook my shoulders again and I was just shocked. Gray cared this much about me? He looked at me directly in my eyes.
"I never thought that you would do this…" He let his hands fall back down. He gave a sigh before he continued.
"Look, even though we fight all the time and argue about everything… I just really can't imagine Fairy Tail without you around…"
I couldn't say anything. I had no idea that Gray had a side like this.
"So, don't leave us like this." Gray looked at me with pleading eyes. The whole drowning part was just an accident but it was kind of hard to tell that now. And even though I wasn't planning to kill myself, I was still planning on leaving Magnolia. I guess this just meant that... I was still needed back.
I still couldn't forgive myself completely, but I felt like a big stone had just been lifted from my heart. I was still needed. Even if I was weak and useless, I still had a place in the guild.
I felt really happy and I couldn't help when a small smile crept on my face. Gray noticed this and smiled back. He looked really relieved.
Then, he looked like he remembered something and turned around to grab something. He then gave me something white, soft and very wet. It was my muffler. I grabbed it gratefully and he ruffled my wet hair with his hand. He was being so nice to me but somehow, it didn't feel weird. I felt happy that we weren't fighting, and that he showed that he cared about me.
Gray took the muffler from my hands and wrapped it around my neck like it always was. I felt a bit embarrassed due to the closeness and I felt my face heat up.
Gray retreated his hand before standing up, stretching his legs and arms.
"Can you stand?" he asked me and I nodded a bit uncertainly. He offered his hand to me and I grabbed it.
We then just stood for a while and I used my powers to dry us up. Gray grimaced at the heat, but still gave me a smile now that we weren't soaked.
I felt a bit unsteady on my feet but I tried to cover it up so Gray wouldn't notice.
He walked ahead of me, but not far, and looked at me over his shoulder every once in a while just to make sure I was following.
Without a warning, it then happened. I suddenly felt sharp pain in my side and I looked down to see an enormous amount of blood on my bandages. Like there were no bandages at all, the blood continued to flow down my side. My hands flew to the wound and my hands were soon covered in blood. I didn't get it. There was no way that wound could bleed this much. It should have started healing already. I felt panicked.
I looked at Gray, who hadn't noticed that I was having slight problems. I tried to call out to him, but no voice came out.
'Right, I lost my voice...'
The only thing that came out was a wheeze. The blood dropped to the ground steadily. I had never seen this much blood coming out of a wound before. I was scared. I needed help. My vision was becoming a bit blurred and I was scared that Gray wouldn't notice at all. But when I fell to my knees, he turned to look at me and when he noticed that I was bleeding heavily, his face turned shocked.
"NATSU!" He shouted and was by my side in an instant. I felt a bit relieved and I was about to fall to the ground but Gray caught me.
I was scared. I usually wasn't, but now, I was so scared. The fear must have showed on my face, making Gray feel panicked too.
"The blood isn't stopping…Damn it!" I tried to say Gray's name, but no voice came out. But Gray noticed that I mouthed his name and grabbed my hand.
"It's going to be okay Natsu. I'm going to take care of you okay? You aren't going to die. I won't let you." He then lifted me to his arms, making me let out a pained groan, and started running.
I trusted Gray. I knew that he wouldn't let me die. He saved me from drowning just now, and now he was going to save me again.
'I wonder how I can return the favor…' I thought before I started to feel even more lightheaded than before, causing me to pass out against Gray's shoulder.
Now, I don't feel so sure about this. I could ramble for an eternity about how I don't feel satisfied with this, but I will leave that for my fellow writer to listen to later.
However, if you liked this at all it would mean a world to me if you could inform me about that. Otherwise, I will assume that everyone is grimacing while reading this.
Goodnight.